sl8tersstuff

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I’m so disgusted with myself all I want is for everyone that has ever known me to look me in the eyes and tell me that they hate me because I deserve it. Tell me that I’m desperate, and when I speak my voice is exasperating. I’m like a passenger who never gets off the train, needing, taking up space, always wanting more, with no journey or destination.

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When I’m just laying there on my side with a hand on my heart because it hurts so much to bare the thought of being alive

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I’m so tired of spending my entire life picking myself up over, and over, and over again.

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Telling myself it’ll get better for the fifth year in a row

I’m tired

It won’t ever get better

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I don’t think I can keep doing whatever this is anymore

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It’s been a year, I’m still grieving

Still grieving who I once was even the version of myself I never thought possible to grieve

I don’t want to be me anymore

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I feel so shameful for just existing

I don’t want to be perceived

I don’t even want to be alive

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I wish you loved me that much.

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I wish you understood me

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I do not deserve happiness

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I hate apologies

apologies mean you knew it was wrong

but you did it anyway.

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When I stopped reaching out first so everyone just stopped coming

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there are times when i feel like life is good and beautiful and the love is never ending but then i remember that so is the grief

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Everyday at 11:11 I wish that something bad, life changing even, could happen to me so I finally have a valid excuse to be sad all the time

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Why can’t I just get better

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Right back where I started

in a hole I tried so hard to crawl out of

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Even the most evil people I’ve ever known have gotten everything I’ve ever wanted.

Am I not as deserving or forgiven? Will I spend the rest of my life repenting? How many people am I? Have I ever even lived?

They have a family, they have jobs and struggles that I’ll never know.

Do the struggles in their life validate what they did to me?

I have a list of things I want to know and it never gets shorter.