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therapy 04/15/24

had a really insane therapy session today where I learned a lot of things about myself. I guess things ive known for a while, but i havent fully accepted/processed. it started with elli and how i haven't forgiven her for something that happened 6 years ago and how i ruminate and hold grudges. i do this because part of me doesn't believe myself. why dont i believe myself? why do i ruminate? because im trying to protect myself when so many things that i pretend aren't real happened in my childhood + my past. things that i find shameful. why do i find them shameful? because its easier to pretend that my life wasnt that bad. that i didnt feel unsafe as a child. that my parents were loving + protecting. not only that, ive been trained by authority figures that what i do remember is wrong. tina telling me that my dad is just like that and to get over it/normalize it, my mom telling me that she has it worse, the embarrassment of cps coming to my house, other ppl seeing my parents and thinking they were normal. its just easier to pretend that's true, and it makes me doubt my actual feelings. maybe it is true! maybe i'm being overdramatic and whiney- things aren't that bad! i have always lied and said my dad wasn't part of my story. but he is. all the trauma that i can't remember is part of my story. kennedy and why that all happened. i cant even broach the topic anymore. i cant even think about it. forget forget forget. so now, that's why i ruminate. that's why i have to convince myself that things people did are wrong in order to protect myself. and its hard because i was programmed to not do that. to deny and forget. as delphine said, i couldn't process that as a child– it was too painful. so now, my nervous system is in overdrive, i hyperanalyze people and am so so distrustful and unforgiving. because i cant deal with the source of those problems. i cant truly not judge and forget what happened. even though i can't remember it, my spirit does, my nervous system does, my poor tortured inner child does. it's so much easier to keep pretending and make up these fake traumas then face the real ones. it's easier to say i was raped in china than i was raped by numerous older men (and in some ways i still feel like i deserved it). I still havent brought up those stories with delphine. not even sure if i can do it yet. these are things that i havent admitted to anyone ever. i'm so embarrassed, humiliated by my vulnerabilities because i don't want to face them. i don't want this ugly part of me to ever come out. because i feel like if it were all true, i'd be unfixable and pathetic. that's why i fiercely protect myself now, maybe to a fault. i think that's why i know instantly whether or not i like people and why i'm so sensitive to their mistakes. because i feel a deep deep disgust that i have never really explored or let out. i recognize evil, i recognize darkness, i recognize bad. so maybe that's good now. but i wish i could have gone back in time and protected little me. she didn't deserve all the things that happened to her. and it's so unfair those things happened to her. but maybe i should move a little slower like delphine said. try to relax and calm my nerves when i've been through so much. it's reversible. i am strong. my life has texture to it. maybe all this shit has made me crazy, but all i can do is respect and honor myself now. put myself and my feelings first. actually listen to myself, honor my feelings, and slow down.

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Header with cherubs and sun face. Divine emblems. 1867.

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forever in awe of people who pay attention. people who wait for you while you tie your shoes while the others have walked away. when they continue listening intently while the rest of the group stopped listening. noticing your moments of silence when everyone else hasn’t. “this made me think of you” noticing things you never even noticed about yourself. people who say “text me when you get home safe.” people who make you laugh until you cry. childhood friends who keep in touch. people with genuine intentions. people who are soft when the world has given them every opportunity to turn hard. the “let’s get ice cream” at 3am friend. the turn up the music in the car and sing friend. people whose actions match their words. people who make the world feel less chaotic. kindred spirits. the trustworthy and honest. hard workers. good listeners. clear communicators. people who love you for who you are. people who don’t ask you to be anything other than yourself. people who choose you. people who stay.

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april dreams 🌱🌸

vibe: smiling, dreaming, taking it slow, gratitude, thoughtfulness, witchy

lifestyle: sewing, witchiness, running, biking, dancing, swimming, meal prep, meditating, reading, watching movies, thrifting, studying, drinking tea, cleaning, animals

dreams: whimsigoth/witchy closet, beautiful body, clear skin, nicole kidman in practical magic vibe, cool

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੭୧

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Virginia Woolf, Orlando

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having the letters "t", "p", "d" in one word makes it sound so unwittingly whimsical - tepid, petted, trepid, potted, pitied, droplet, depicted

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Whimsigoth outfit inspiration

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Charmed

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i mean this completely seriously but… a cup of coffee can save your life a little, a shower can save your life a little, making your favorite meal can save your life a little…….little things actually add up to really big things in the long run if you let them, the secret to surviving everyday is infusing a little bit of magic into the mundane i truly believe that

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Hydroluminescence

(c) gifs by riverwindphotography,July 2023

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