slugworthless

[slugworthless]

I am feeling better (and your words make me feel even better). I was going to take you to buy a new outfit to wear, but if we don’t get to attend this thing together, we will have a night of our very own. I feel very strongly about you too, and I think we will raise a wonderful son that will see what a loving family is like. We will see amazing growth in him once he’s in a normal family environment. I can’t wait to wake up next to you and fall asleep next to you. I know we will have our differences, but the main thing is we will work through them together as a couple. We won’t agree on everything because no two people think exactly alike; however, as long as we both realize how we feel about each other, we will work through anything life throws our way. I’m just counting the days until we can be together. Now I better stop before I embarrass myself.

[slugworthless]

Am I ok? I’m not sure. I feel my mind has been breaking, and this comes not just from the relationship, but from so much regret and pain. I’ve begun to see a therapist to try and work through my issues. I’ve begun talking about my trauma and working with the therapist in order to not only better my social skills but to also better my own internal dialogue and understanding. Tbh the past year has been another dark night of the soul for me. I’m lost and confused. I don’t know if I’m at fault, if I was abused, or if If I was the abuser. I've not been a nice person, and I'm beginning to understand that beneath myself lies hurt, anger, and fear. It has boiled over, and, in times of stress, it rises even further to the surface.

You've not always been on my mind, but I often found myself thinking of you as well. In times of distress, when it felt like no one could understand the inner me, you'd reappear. Just random days, Id wonder how you were, and if your life was going well. I didn't want to interfere with your life anymore. I didn't want to hide from Sam and cause you trouble. I was trying to be where I was and be the best that I could be, but I found myself trapped. Things are getting better, now, though. I'm still alive. I'm still here, and while that is the case, I've realized that it's up to me to make this life something that I can be happy with.

I feel as if I hold myself back from the world; afraid of people and their interactions; afraid of their perception of me; afraid of more pain that might arise. I'll tell you the story, and I'll tell you all of it. I won't hold anything back, and you can be the judge of my character and what transpired. There's still so many things I'm unsure on.

It all began back in November. You had encouraged me to find someone else to experiment and enjoy with. I began talking to this individual to find a fwb. I was still living with my ex-wife at the time. I had stumbled upon you, and I was so sure that we had found something special. I remember that I wanted to give you the Dolores Claiborne book, but I couldn't find my own copy. I searched my parents' house the day of our meeting, but couldn't find it. I stopped at a bookstore ran by an elderly woman who seemed to love books. She charged $5 for that copy, which I ended up gifting to you. I was so excited. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized how the day had went on your end. I didn't realize any of it. I got the room, and had been watching Steven Universe. You arrived while I was in the bathroom, but I had the phone still playing that show, so I ran to pause it before opening the door. I didn't want to make a bad impression. You know the rest of what transpired. That night, as I was heading home, she texted, asking how I had been. I ended up meeting up and fucking her, in my state. Was it a rebound? I was pretty upset over everything, so I tried to escape and forget. We had stopped talking, and I just met up with her and we fucked. That happened alot. Over time, I had decided to just stop bothering you. I cut ties. I didn't want to keep hurting over you. I focused on her. She was sweet. She had a lot going on in her life. I tried to be understanding of everything. She was in an abusive relationship. She told me that her kids had been taken away by DCS because of that man. He called DCS after convincing her to bring them to his residence. He'd watch them because they had just split up. She was transitioning and trying to move. He lived in a place without electricity.

Well, they took them away from her. She lost everything. She was trying to do her best. Honestly, the environment and people that I have met and seen have been really bad. I've had my life threatened countless times. I was dragged into the underbelly of drug addicts. I've been exposed to these kinds of people, now. I've seen the nastiness that humans can exhibit.

I bought a second car. I had everything sorted out. I gave her the car to use in order for her to get her life on track. She would make the payments on it. I installed a tracker on the car, in order to be able to get it, should the need arise. I began noticing odd behaviors. Her driving to certain places at night. Erratic behavior and the like. She told me that she used to be on drugs, but now she was just delivering it for people, as a form of employment.

Over time, I kept asking her to forsake that life. There was too much at stake to keep going down that path. I wanted to see her succeed. I wanted to be supportive. We weren't anything serious. Tbh, I had rationalized the car, as an investment to have a second one. One day, she was talking about a number that kept texting her, so I asked her for it, and texted them, unbeknownst to her. It turned out, it was someone she had met on a dating app. I confronted her about it, and she said she used them to find "stuff" for people. This back and forth happened for so long. My trust began to fade and I became more critical. I began watching her. I began to see if she was up to anything. She would disappear. She would turn off the trackers. She would get defensive if I brought anything up, and would begin to attack me; bringing up my own shortcomings that she had problems with. I fell for it all. I became angrier and angrier over time. I eventually took the cat back, and that's when things came out that she was on meth. She didn't deliver anything. She was going to buy it for herself.

From there, we continued to fight off and on. I was constantly under scrutiny. We gave each other access to our Googles. She combed through mine with a fine-tooth comb, which made me do the same to hers. I was manipulated. That's how it felt. Gaslighted. I was told that I talked to her like she wasn't a person. I would get so incredibly angry. I couldn't handle it. I would talk to her very negatively. I would tell her that she won't get her kids back like this. She needed to work and get money. She needed to help me pay for the car. I called her a burden, so she went back to dating apps. I kicked her out in July. I felt bad though, she needed a car. She had nothing without me. I would ruin her life if I had canceled everything.

I brought her back, and she wanted to know what I wanted. Were we together? What was she to me? I didn't want to think about it. I was afraid of who she was at this point. I didn't want to ruin someone's life, but she constantly put pressure on me. She constantly made me come back to reality to figure it out. We have screamed at each other. We have fought and fought, and I hate it. I can't handle these things. I'm traumatized from my childhood. Anger leads to depression for me. I did become severely depressed. She lied to me about her addictions after that. She said she had quit. Her court case with DCS was still ongoing. She eventually went to jail, and I was left alone. The day she went, I had confronted her about everything and told her that she didn't love me. I was being used by her. Nothing made sense. Existence had become a daily sense of anxiety. I've cried, broken walls in anger, and said so many hurtful things. I've made her cry from those words more than once. I went two weeks without her, and when she was released we talked about making things better. I had tried to find answers in introspection. I had never been in such a stressful environment. Never a moment of peace. However, while she was gone, I became incredibly lonely; smoking weed daily to try and numb my mind and pain.

It's always been over the same things; her talking to other guys, and her disappearing and being dishonest. Communication is crucial. Trust is crucial. I had neither. My trust had vanished. I became almost paranoid. Last week, she went to her mother's house to see her nephew, while I was working at the house. It had been a full day, and I tried calling her, but she ignored my calls for 2 hours. It was getting late. She had been talking to me that day on what I was doing wrong for everything. I felt like I truly was the one at fault, but I was confused too because I wasn't truly sure if I was at fault. I was explaining how I was trying to make things better by working on myself. After 2 hours of not answering my calls, I went to her mom's. I knew she was there. It was 1020, and I had to be up at 6am. I pulled in and saw her in the car with a man eating her out. That was the moment. I snapped. I cut all 4 yores to that car. I had it towed to my house. I left her stranded at her mom's. I told her mom what happened. She was on probation for 2 years. She had a job. I cut all ties and then she had nothing. I have no plans of getting back with her. She needs the car so I have her cleaning my house rn. I'm traveling around for Thanksgiving. I've spent the past few days talking shit to her. She needs the car. It's her only way to keep from going to jail for two years. I'm still angry, but she doesn't control me anymore. I've made it clear that we're not together. I brought her back to clean my house because the dogs are too much. She's on her own. I'm making her pay to replace all the tires, then we'll figure out a contract or something for the car. Idk.

[slugworthless]

What I began to realize was that it had become all- consuming. I lost myself. I couldn't get time to myself. I would go to you when things became confusing or strained. You were the one I wanted, but it wasn't just an attraction. It was the act of our souls connecting in the verbose nature of our conversations. Your curiosity for me. Your enjoyments. I know I'm a strange individual, but I felt as if we understood each other without needing to try. A mind that I yearned to be with and speak with everyday. Despite the pain we've both experienced, it was a a lovely dream to think of.

Of course, I wasn't a Saint either. In the beginning, I had still talked to others too. Her and I were just fwbs at first. However, after we got together, I had cut all of that out. I do believe in loyalty. I didn't want to cheat. I've cheated before. I won't deny it. I did not cheat on her though. I wanted to be better than that. However, she hated me talking to you or b my ex-wife. She told me that you were just trying to use me. That you probably did this kind of thing to others and I was just another one.

Tbh, I've not had a good life. I've not had good relationships. I cut myself off from people. I keep to myself and my thoughts. I'm afraid. I've been used and taken advantage of by so many people. I question why I keep seeking others despite my b shortcomings. My answer was that I'm not happy with myself or my position. I'm working on me, but idk what I'm doing anymore. I don't where I want to go. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I want solitude. Despite all of that, I reached out to you. You're my weakness. My exception. My comfort. I missed you so much this year. I'm not perfect. I'm insecure. I still feel like the young child that used to sit in the shower to cry, so no one in the family could hear me.

[slugworthless]

John,

Yes, I think of you often; sometimes in the sort of instance you described (moments of desolation or distress which always emphasized the absence of you) and sometimes in everyday, unremarkable goings-on—without warning or reason—there you’d be. No matter the way you would so frequently come about in my thoughts, I’d always end up sitting in the same bitter feeling; and this wasn’t a bitterness toward or because of you/your actions (don’t assume that), as this was an aching, ugly bloom of a thing rooted in all the regret I carried regarding our relationship. It grew from there, and also from my devouring sense of hostility toward this stupid, stupid, weak nothing named Ashley, who so handily squandered something exceptional (not only for herself, but for you and Dean too).

I do wish I could tell you how these feelings led to a recurrent reflection, of which I’ve given due time—meditating amid the mess I’d made, living in a bog, until I could nurture from it an understanding of the path to answers. And then, maybe with newfound insight, I’d unearth whatever we needed to do, know, find, become… and then we could finally grow together. And upwards and outwards, and beyond these darkened places. And into one another, where we’d be happy and free and bright—like a wildflower garden.

However, in circumstances like this (where I’ve messed up and it’s painful), I don’t allow myself to ruminate. I just feel the bite when it comes, and then banish the offending Forget-Me-Not to a catch in my mind I’ve fashioned to contain all that I can’t think about. So, all of this—the aftermath—is strange for me too. It’s strange and sad.

But, I’d like to know everything there is to know about you, all over again. If you’re up for it, that is. I have a lot of questions about this most recent relationship and it’s descension from whatever you felt in the beginning and the highs, all the way through time, to right now. Can you tell me about all of it? You might feel better afterward, especially if you’ve been shouldering an abusive relationship on your own (I mean, without a supportive/knowing ear). Before anything else, though, my foremost concern is if you’re really okay?

I have more to tell you and more to ask, but Dean is up and I’d like to get something over there to you; just so you know I’m here. Also—know that I’m elated to, once again, be a person you’re reaching toward when you need someone.

I really, really have missed you :)

[slugworthless]

To me, you’re a conundrum. An improbability. Someone that interests me due to our similarities, but something more too. I often wonder what kind of person am I really. As you’ve seen, I’m weird. I’m awkward. I lack social skills at times, if I feel any pressure. I turn 32 next week, but what am I doing here? What is all of this? This existence? We’re all in this together, but not a single person truly knows why we’re all in this. A momentary time in which we exist; the journey through it all, finding our pleasures and our pains. What is my purpose though? Who am I really? You mentioned before about “what I am,” and you spoke of me as if I was something special, but I don’t see that. I’m still that lost child that I was so many years ago. I remember my life, and I remember all of the pain that I’ve felt through the years, but I still hold most of that in. I rarely of ever talk about it because I rarely let people in.

[slugworthless]

Hey there,

How have you been? I know it’s been a long time, but I’m glad you still had the same number. There’s so much to catch up on, and honestly I just don’t know where to start. If anything, I mainly want to hear about you. You’ve thought of me often? What sort of things do you think about? I wonder what you think of me, and how you think of me.

For me, it’s a strange thing. If I’m ever truly in distress or troubled, and need someone to talk to, you’re always the first one in my mind. Idk how to explain it, but our conversations hold a special place in my heart. There were sexual tensions at times, but it felt like you and I were captivated by each other’s spirit. The understanding of who the other person was. The feeling of being heard and listened to. I don’t know if I’ve romanticized the whole ordeal, but, in terms of thought, I felt as if we were so similar. The way you’d speak so fondly of Dean. How you actually inspired me to read books again. You and I shared so many similarities, and I found you so beautiful. I found myself looking forward to our talks. I still don’t fully understand what happened when we met, and why things went as they did, but I blamed myself. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to process.

As for me, I ended up being in that relationship and I see now how abusive it was. I lost myself. I lost everything that made me, me. I was made to feel like I was the problem. I became paranoid. I was lied to constantly. I tried to be a good partner. I caught her cheating on me. I took my car back. I made her lose her job, and tbh I’m just shaken up over it all; how I negatively impact people, and how I have so much trauma that I don’t talk about. I’ve lost sight of where I am and where I need to go. What do I even exist for? If there was one question that I could ask you, then I guess it would be, what am I to you? How do you see me after all this time? What have you missed? Do you often think about what things would have been like if we had stayed the night together, last year? We’ve talked about sex, love, life, sadness, joy, and so much more. I know that I said “one question,” but there’s so much to talk about.

[slugworthless]

What’s “sots?”

Anyways, I’m on break at work atm. I’d like to catch up, and I could use your advice like always. I’d really love to hear about the year, for you.

Ha. It’s from “You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Lol. It’s slang for “drunkard”

I’ve missed you too :(

I think about you often.

But, I will have to email you sometime today.

What sort of advice do you need? (I just want to know your questions, so I can be sure to properly answer them in my email)

[slugworthless]

Hey, is this Ash?

Yes. Who is this?

I kinda just need a friend rn. Idk if you care, but I guess I was wondering if you’d be up for chatting. It’s John.

I’m sorry for pushing you to meet so long ago. For coming and going from your life. Drama.

I’m single and I’m not trying to get in your pants or anything. I’m not after anything. I just want to talk. I always felt heard when we talked. I always listened when it was you. I guess I just wanted to see if this was still your number. Text back whenever you want, or not at all. That part is your choice after all.

But I think I understand what it means to be the victim of emotional abuse, and I’ve suffered so long from it. I feel so broken and alone.

Hey

I’m so glad you reached out :)