smoothembers

[smoothembers]

Severus' and Luna's dynamic lives rent free in my head constantly. Fic Snippet:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As he turned the final corridor toward the dungeon stairwell, he stopped.

A little girl was standing upside down on her hands against the wall, her robes bunched around her waist, revealing an unfortunate clash of mismatched striped socks. Her wand was stuck in her mouth.

Snape blinked.

“Miss Lovegood,” he said flatly.

Luna dropped her legs and stood up right-side up, wand still dangling from her teeth. She plucked it free delicately and tucked it behind her ear.

“Oh, hello, Professor,” she said dreamily, as if she hadn’t been halfway to becoming a human chandelier a second ago.

Snape gave her a long, slow blink. “May I ask… what you are doing?”

“I was listening,” she said brightly.

“To the floor?”

She tilted her head. “To the stones. They remember things, you know. Everyone steps on them, but no one asks what they think.”

Snape stared.

Luna blinked back at him, eyes wide and honest and eerily unblinking. “Your boots are loud today.”

“…Pardon?”

“They weren’t yesterday. But they are now. Heavy. Like they’re carrying something besides you.”

Snape’s jaw clenched, the muscle twitching ever so slightly.

“I assume this is a metaphor,” he said curtly.

“Oh no,” she said sweetly, “I mean it literally.”

He resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I suggest, Miss Lovegood, that if you wish to remain unscathed for the next seven years, you avoid using your senses to diagnose the emotional weight of your professors’ footwear.”

Luna considered this. “Alright,” she said agreeably. “But I’d still check the left boot. The stone underneath it was quite cross.”

He said nothing.

She beamed up at him. “You’ve been thinking very loudly, sir. Don’t worry. Most people do.”

“…That’s comforting,” he muttered.

Luna gave him a look that bordered on pity. “You shouldn’t try to make yourself smaller to fit into something that no longer suits you.”

Snape froze.

She didn’t elaborate. She just swayed slightly on her feet, turned on the spot, and wandered off humming the Hogwarts school song—but in reverse.

Snape stood alone in the corridor for a beat too long, frowning at her retreating form. Then with a low snarl, he turned on his heel and continued toward the dungeons, each step now impossibly loud in his ears.

He didn’t check his boot.

But he did wonder what the stone would have said.

Consider how well Luna and Snape would be compatible with each other. Everybody keeps talking about Snape and Hermione, but Hermione is just too normal to get along with him without grating his nerves more often than not.

Whereas Luna... well, she's great because she's so unhinged that she'd just baffle Snape out of his own horrible personality by just being herself. Instead of being annoyed that a student dares speak in his presence and snapping, Snape would be fully occupied with marvelling that somebody would actually consider saying that out loud, let alone whilst maintaining direct eye contact with him and absentmindedly assembling a turnip earring.

And let's be honest... Luna would take good care of him when he happens to absurdly neglect himself because she doesn't fathom the concept of social barriers.

[smoothembers]

bottom sneep,,, bottom sneep my beloved,,, i need that sneep to be overwhelmed and i need him placed in situations™

the cost of serving so much cunt is that the world hungers for it

[smoothembers]

rotating The Sneep™ obsessively in my mind like a rotisserie chicken,,, lovingly placing him in Situations and Circumstances,, yes i'm inflicting horrors upon him, but no one else wears misery so well.

[smoothembers]

forever Intrigued by obscurial sneep. Such a compelling au, with his dubious childhood. so many thoughts to think. a world where he doesnt meet lily, and is affected by his fathers hatred for magic in a different way. i like to imagine it as him being riiight at the brink of becoming one but not quite. lots of interesting potential for storytelling, i think aaaaaaaa i might doodle some obscurial sneeps later hhhh

[smoothembers]

Number one favorite problematic ship dynamic:

Middle-aged villainous mentor/parental figure x younger, headstrong, less villainous protegé who may or may not have actually agreed to being mentored. They are weirdly affectionate/close with each other in ways that are somewhat suspicious given the rest of their dynamic.

[smoothembers]

Tis illegal to Slander The Sneep in my presence when that man literally carried the whole damn series on his scoliosis back several times over. That man dragged the entire wizarding world kicking and screaming to safety on his actual living carcass. idgaf about no neville toad, brother, im putting respect on his goddamn name

[smoothembers]

I like when people give Snape some thestral/dementor affinity in their fics. Things like thestrals being a lil fond of him, or him being able to see them early on in his student days, or things like having some sort of vague connections to dementors in general. I just think it's fitting, and the implications for storytelling purposes are interesting! The imagery is nice too. Theres just something really compelling about the idea of this terribly lonely and tragic figure, who has been abandoned and vilified by everyone, unable to find kinship in anyone aside from the only other creatures as hated (dementors) or in the case of thestrals as invisible (metaphorically speaking) as he.

[smoothembers]

I really will just ship anything so long as Severus is part of it, won't I? I dont care who it is, as long as The Sneep is loved. Like please, won't someone just love this creature and mean it.

[smoothembers]

The Reasons Why Severus Snape is Secretly a Cat, Actually.

I'm saying he's a neglected and abused stray little black cat and here is why

He's very meow meow. VERY kitten.

Black cats are vilified and assumed by some to be evil. Coincidentally, both of these things happen to Snape as well.

Difficult to befriend. Cats are already picky about who they like, and Cats who have had it rough are even more difficult. One cannot just waltz up to a cat like that expect friendliness, or even indifference for that matter.

Extremely bad, no good, very bad luck with dogs. Seriously, the man MUST have dog trauma by now. Werewolves? Sirius, one of his biggest haters and tormentors, a dog animagus? even Fluffy mauling his leg?? The first two were marauders, yes, but that's not a good thing when it comes to Snape. (not all dogs and cats dont get along, but its certainly interesting. Personally, I headcanon him as a definite cat person who has a bad associations with dogs but thats a whole other post.)

Very hissy and snarly and unpleasant when threatened - and sometimes, even when YOU think there's no apparent threat! This is premium Gato™ Behavior. An abused little shelter cat, horribly unsocialized, becoming hyper defensive anytime anything happens to him, even if the thing that is happening is kind.

it fits with the idea that hes "mean for no reason" because there IS a reason - cats are complicated little guys! Where you see a nonissue, He might see a threat. Where you see kindness, he might see mockery. Where you see playfulness he might see cruelty, and so on. After all, he's been on the receiving end of it all too often.

Cats like this usually end up stuck in shelters - not a home - because no one will take them. They're too offputting, they're too mean, they're too much trouble. One could argue that Hogwarts itself IS that shelter in this scenario; a place to be, but not a home. Not really.

Worth noting: maybe to Harry, Hogwarts can be considered a sort-of Home, but he actually found kindness and friends there. Severus lost his only friend and was tormented there. Better than his incredibly shitty situation with his family? Certainly! but Shelters often are.

SWM fits as well; A moment of extreme distress from being humiliated, afraid, and overwhelmed? all those jeering laughing faces while he is vulnerable and unsafe, defenseless at the hands of people who have continuously hurt him for years?? and to see and know that his friend - his BEST friend - the only friend; the only PERSON, he has, is there holding back a smile as it is happening too? Have you ever met a cat in distress? of course he lashed out. It's honestly astounding that he didnt lash out MORE.

and while on the subject of SWM, him lashing out at Lily applies here too. A cornered, distressed cat (especially one with a history of abuse) sees everything as a threat , even people it is normally friendly to, if it's distressed enough. Have you tried to bathe a cat? or maybe tried to coax one to get into a cat carrier for the vet? these things are very difficult but manageable at the best of times but "vulnerable, afraid, humiliated, and threatened" are NOT the best of times, I fear.

it even works with his occlumency and the way he deals with vulnerability as well. Cats, when in pain, do their best to hide that pain. This is because to be outwardly hurt is to be vulnerable, and that can lead to predation by bigger animals. Severus too, hides his vulnerability. The things that truly matter to him, his worries, his soft and squishy bits, and loyalties all carefully locked away.

Rivalry with Minerva?? that's just good ol' unserious cat drama. Have u ever seen an indoor cat staring down a stray through the window? silly little creatures. They'll grumble about it and act like its on sight (and maybe it is!) but when you're not looking, there'll be sniffing through the glass and pretending they dont care while they nap suspiciously close by.

Starved for affection and touch. An abused stray, past all the hissing and the fear and violence, once they're finally given a chance and finally understand that they are safe, just wants to be loved. They usually end up being the most affectionate and loyal cats of all! only to those they feel safe with, of course.

And speaking of loyalty, that applies here too. He was loyal to Lily, the first and only person to show him kindness (though my feelings for her are very complicated) and he was later loyal to Dumbledore. Unfortunately, neither of these people ever truly took in the stray, not really. And so the Stray was never actually socialized, and never completely safe, and never actually given a home.

and finally.. his death. Cats have a tendency to hide when nearing death, or dying.. and as such, often die in solitude. Severus may not have exactly had a direct hand in this of course, but.. there's something about him dying in this shitty little shack, far away from the action, presumably alone (or so he thought until Harry and his friends materialized out of nowhere under the cloak.). He wasn't actually alone in his actual final moments, but in the time leading up to it? Very lonely.

In a way, one could say that Lily came closest to adopting the stray Sev cat. And maybe she would have! maybe she wanted to take in the stray at one point - had planned to, even! But her friends told her he was dirty and gross, "who knows where that things been! he's probably diseased". and The marauders kept tormenting him, making him increasingly defensive and hissy and violent, as cats often are in that situation and then it was also "look how cruel and mean he is! he'll only hurt you". and maybe when the time finally came and that defensiveness finally WAS aimed at her it only confirmed what she had already begun to believe. And then she decided she wasnt a cat person after all. Who knows? One could make an argument for all of that. Do i see things that way? maybe, maybe not. My feelings toward every character who is not Snape are largely indifferent for the most part.

Verdict: Severus Snape is a Cat. He is a little kitten meow meow. Give this man a little cauldron to curl up in asap

[smoothembers]

not shutting up about Severus Snape

I say "Severus Snape is a black cat" and "what if Severus Snape is secretly related to Dementors and Thestrals" but the reality is that Severus Snape is whatever we need him to be at the time. He's whatever vibe we need in the moment. He's a raven behind the 7eleven parking lot and he's my beloved wife. He's my precious angel baby, He's a clump of soggy hair I fished out of the drain. He's an angry little mosquito. He's a gorgeous and elegant, slender black serpent. He's a feral little gremlin. He's a bat darting across the night sky. He's a silly fluffy speck of lint in my pocket. He's an ill mannered goth kid, He's a studious little nerd boy. He's a very bad man. He's a painfully good person. He's a regal, distinguished Prince. He saved my life for the 70th time, and he slaughtered me in cold blood last Wednesday. He ate my leftover steak. He's very good at cleaning kitchens.

He's got the versatility, He's got the range. He's a spy, after all.

[smoothembers]

The thing about Bottom!Snape is that it's a legal requirement to praise him. You have to tell him how very good he's being. You gotta make sure he knows what a good boy he is and you especially have to remind him of how pretty he is. If you dont do it, Dementors manifest physically within your home to rob your house along with your soul or whatever.

[smoothembers]

"stop sexualizing that old man, he should be retiring in a home-" IM bouta retire in HIS home if u kno wat i mean hehehe (my penits)

[smoothembers]

"Snape is such a bully and-" excuse me, That Sneep is frolicking. It's one of the few enrichments he can have in his enclosure at this wretched zoo they call the wizarding world tbh.

perhaps if this were a fortunate Free Range™ Sneep, he would not be stuck in such wretched Sneep husbandry conditions, but tragic boys must make do, hmm?

[smoothembers]

ah ah ah, i am fixated,,, snoldemort,,, horcrux sneep,, intentional horcrux sneep,,, snoldemort real, horcrux sneep real,,,

[smoothembers]

why does the sneep have such a thin delicate manhandle-able waist huh? for men to grab? to hold like he's a treasure??? slut!

tiny waist TINY SNEEP WAIST waist of the sneep small so grabbable perfect for grabbing (immaculate) sneep waist, it is MADE for grabbing (grabbing it) GRAB sneep waist REAL REAL sneep waist is grabbed we grab the sneep waist MANDATORY it MUST be grabbed (grab it) grab the waist, (CRUCIAL AND NECESSARY) SNEEP HAVER OF WAIST (grabbable) IMPORTANT good for the health grabbing sneep waist REAL sneep WAIST OF THE SNEEP i am the man WHO GRABS (the sneep waist)

I AM BECOME FERAL THE GRABBER OF SNAIST

[smoothembers]

I see a lot of mentions of Snape having an extensive knowledge of flower language (real and true) but now consider an AU (VERY au, not canon compliant AT ALL.) that has been tumbling around in my skull:

Serial killer! Sneep leaves ominous messages entirely in flower language. bouquets beautifully and lovingly arranged upon/within a corpse like a macabre vase. Soft, gentle breezes spread an array of colorful petals upon your path, just so. A single lost bloom laying curiously out of place in your line of sight, placed oh so carefully, as though its existence is for you alone. "oh how lovely!" they exclaim at the blatant announcement of their deaths.

anyway, people learn to be wary of pretty things and happy coincidences.

[smoothembers]

Sirius: you are too weird

Snape: I am autistic

Sirius: you are too normal