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Some couples have one child, some have two, and some have three...but rarely do they have twelve! For Colin and Sophia Wagner, this shocking statistic is more than a concept...it's real life. On tonight's season premiere of Freaky Families, we'll experience a week in the life of the Wagners, learning everything from how many eggs they eat in a morning to just how everyone stays sane!

The answer to that last question, by the way, is faith. The Wagners are a devoutly Christian family, attending church twice-weekly (at minimum!) and praying morning, noon, and night. Colin and Sophia cite their belief in God and the Bible as the impetus to have such a large family.

Sophia: We aim to dress and behave righteously at all times in order to live out God's perfect plan for our lives.

But what does "righteously" mean, exactly? We recruited a couple of the Wagner kids to set us straight.

Charlotte, 13: Living righteously means we dress modestly and protect ourself from sinful influences at all times in order to set the best example for everyone around us.

Eldest daughter Charlotte is "essential" to the smooth running of the family machine, says mom Sophia, and I think I know why! She certainly knows the Wagner creed front to back and back to front. Eldest son Colin Ezekiel Jr., known to everyone as "Zeke," and daughter Cadence also weigh in:

Colin Jr. "Zeke," 12: The boys do boy things, like playing outside, and the girls do girl things. That way nobody gets confused.

Cadence, 9: I guess it means...not listening to secular music, and playing praise hymns instead.

Well, there you have it, folks. The Wagners will be back after the break!

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From the @/SimLearningChannel account:

Get ready for a BIG evening of television with one of the country's largest families! Colin and Sophia Wagner and their 12 children feature in tonight's special premiere of Freaky Families, only on the Sim Learning Channel. Airing 8/7 Central.

#freakyfamilies #simlearningchannel #slc #familyof14 #familylifestyle #traditionallifestyle

wagnerfamily 👏 Can't wait for everyone to see it!

alyssa.jeremyrobinson12 Yay, so excited!

realityyytrash ooh la la, what do we have here 👀

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The Sim Learning Channel is featuring US on an episode of their show, Freaky Families!! While neither Colin nor I are thrilled about the name, we've decided that this a great opportunity to spread the Word, promote the Institute for Strong Christian Standards, and show the world a positive example of a large, faith-focused family.

We've been filming our special for about a week now and we're almost done. I can't wait to see the impact it will make!

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Colin: This is Colin Wagner. Who am I speaking to?

Unknown Caller: [unintelligible]

C: The Sim Learning Channel? Is this a prank?

UC: [unintelligble]

C: Us? For a--

UC: [unintelligible]

C: Well, I have to check with my wife before we move forward, but I'm excited about this, I won't lie. Thank you, Mr. Cooper. God bless.

Sophia: What was that?

C: Honey, how do you feel about going on TV?

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I am so glad my children are able to receive the blessing of homeschool! A long time ago I made the mistake of signing our oldest few up for a very liberal co-op. At the time I thought I was so clever, but looking back I realize how shameful it is to send your own children away from the home, just so they can be given all sorts of mixed messages about what God wants for them.

There's hope at the end of that story, though! We pulled the kids out before they could be too damaged and Colin and I are hard at work designing a new, Christ-centered curriculum to distribute through the ISCS. Praise the Lord our children are excellent guinea pigs!

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I'm officially a mother of 12, which makes me the mother of the largest family in Brindleton county, which the editors of the Brindleton Bay Examiner decided was deserving of a news article!!! I can't believe it. I'm beside myself! The paper sent down a journalist, a very nice man despite the tattoo I spotted peeking out of his shirt cuff, and he asked us all sorts of questions about our family life and our faith. They compensated us generously, so we're going to get our living room walls repapered after over five(!) years! We didn't have enough to fully refresh the space so we stuck with the same style, but baby steps are better than nothing.

Text of article under the cut

The Brindleton Bay Examiner

Local Family Welcomes 12th Child

BRINDLETON BAY - Shouts of joy were heard in the Wagner household yesterday morning as matriarch Sophia gave birth to the family's 12th child. The baby, a little girl Sophia and her husband Colin Sr. plan to name Stella Pearl, officially makes the Wagners the largest family in Brindleton county.

Older siblings Charlotte, Sadie, Colin Jr., Samuel, Cadence, Stephen, Catherine, Simon, Caleb, Sienna and Cierra range in age from 13 years to 12 months, making the Wagner home quite the hive of activity even before this new addition. Mr. and Mrs. Wagner, who both hold positions on the board of conservative group the Institute for Strong Christian Standards, maintain that their faith has guided CONTINUED ON A4

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Happy birthday to our sweet Cierra! The girls' bedroom is so much less stylish now that we've rearranged it to fit her crib, and, well, I wish her clothes were a little girlier...but of course that pales in comparison to the value of raising another child up for God. I can't wait to see how she honors Him with her unique talents!

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So my problem with most ‘get to know your character’ questioneers is that they’re full of questions that just aren’t that important (what color eyes do they have) too hard to answer right away (what is their greatest fear) or are just impossible to answer (what is their favorite movie.)  Like no one has one single favorite movie. And even if they do the answer changes.

If I’m doing this exercise, I want 7-10 questions to get the character feeling real in my head. So I thought I’d share the ones that get me (and my students) good results: 

What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

What is their grooming routine? (how do they treat themselves in private)

What was their most expensive purchase/where does their disposable income go? (Gets you thinking about socio-economic class, values, and how they spend their leisure time)

Do they have any scars or tattoos? (good way to get into literal backstory) 

What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

Are they an oldest, middle, youngest or only child? (This one might be a me thing, because I LOVE writing/reading about family dynamics, but knowing what kinds of things were ‘normal’ for them growing up is important.)

Describe the shoes they’re wearing. (This is a big catch all, gets into money, taste, practicality, level of wear, level of repair, literally what kind of shoes they require to live their life.)

Describe the place where they sleep. (ie what does their safe space look like. How much (or how little) care / decoration / personal touch goes into it.)

What is their favorite holiday? (How do they relate to their culture/outside world. Also fun is least favorite holiday.) 

What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

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This is a little snippet of a plotline I’ve been working on for a while now. It’s in the queue for next week but I can’t hold myself back any longer lol. I’m so excited to share the whole thing!

Spoilers below, naturally.

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Colin and I encourage our girls to journal at every turn! It's such a valuable way for them to connect with God, think through decisions, and manage all the emotional ups and downs of adolescence. Charlotte in particular has been a busy bee. She's such a great role model for her sisters!

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It's Caleb's birthday! This sweet little guy has been a light in our lives ever since he joined us three years ago.

His hair is a bit too long for my taste (what if someone mistakes him for a girl?), but we haven't yet had the time to get him a haircut. I'm just praying our church family doesn't get the wrong idea about the kind of boy we're raising!

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The Lord has blessed us AGAIN with the desires of our heart! I am so thrilled to announce we are expecting our 12th baby, a little girl. She came earlier than expected, with the gap between her and Cierra only about 12 months, but we are so excited to meet her nonetheless!

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Today we attended the wedding of Pastor and Mrs. Phillips' eldest daughter, Lauren! She married a very nice Christian man, Chase Gardner, whose family has been attending Brindleton Bay Baptist for the last fifty years. She'll stay at home to take care of any children they're blessed with, and he'll provide for their family through his very prestigious job at Gardner Bank here in town. Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Chase Alden Gardner!

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This evening, poor Colin walked straight home from work into a living room full of chaos! It's always my goal to make our house a sanctuary for him--he does so much to provide for us, after all--but unfortunately all children are born sinners and don't always follow the rules their parents enforce.

Thankfully, we were able to have a very serious conversation with the children once things calmed down. We talked about keeping our sinful natures in check, making the right (respectful!) choices, and putting our best foot forward as a family, even in the "privacy" of our own home. Nobody can hide from God or His will!

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Lottie is the BEST big sister to our little ones! She bathes them, plays with them, helps train them...it's perfect training for her, too, when she's at home with her own little ones a few years down the line!

Charlotte: Simon, do you know what happens to boys who won't use the potty like big kids?

Simon: Ummm...no.

C: They go to Hell, because they aren't being obedient to their mommies and daddies and big sisters.

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I'm at the end of my rope here. Our fourth, Samuel, has always been one of our more difficult children. He's so soft, and he never enjoys playing rough with his brothers. But yesterday it got even worse! He found this bear costume in the church lost-and-found box and has refused to take it off since. And then, in the middle of the night, I caught him sneaking laptop time. I checked the browser history and luckily it was all wholesome content, but I'm so disappointed in him. I gave him a stern talking-to, forced him to take that awful suit off, and sent him up to bed. But now I'm just at a loss as to what to do. Thank the Lord our children are homeschooled--I'd be so embarrassed to send him to school dressed like that!

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I can't believe I'm saying this, but my eldest are teenagers! It feels like just yesterday the doctor was telling us we were having twins...and now here we are, with two gorgeous young ladies on our hands.

Charlotte--or Lottie, as we all enjoy calling her--is our beautiful eldest! She is everything a young woman should be: pretty, kind, obedient and so devoted to Him! She continually points her siblings (and Colin and I!) back to Jesus; in every area of her life, she strives to incorporate worship. As to her future, we've had many conversations. I'm so proud to say that marrying, having children, and building a Christian home is the desire of her heart! Courting may not be an option for another few years but regardless, Colin and I are so glad she's heading down the right path. And I have no doubt that the boys from church will be pounding down the door the minute she turns 16!

Sadie is Lottie's younger twin. She's also a very pretty girl, and even prettier now that we've encouraged her away from her more masculine interests and friends! I have her inside more, helping with chores and the little ones, and we're all much better for it. She's such an independent girl. After those first few days of guidance she totally submitted herself to God's righteous plans for her, and now she doesn't need any instruction or special attention, which frees up so much of my time. Praise the Lord!