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Two crows were observed perched silently atop a street light during a misty morning in coastal California. ♡

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girls will have one (1) good day when they convince themselves they've never been unwell in their life and the next day the horrors will return

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Oh and my car's catalytic converter and oxygen sensor was stolen right out out my driveway. So the car was worthless and my insurance ripped me off and didn't give me any money for it. That happened this year too.

12.22.2023

Not going to lie, it's been a really hard year.

We started off with New Year's Eve 2022 in the middle of the night needing to call an ambulance because my husband couldn't breathe (pneumonia!). He spent the night and day in the ER.

A day or so later my cat started breathing heavily and not acting like his usual self. We took him to the veterinary hospital where he was put on oxygen. The vet could do nothing for him (xrays showed pockets of infection or cancer in his lungs) and so we had to put him to sleep.

A couple of days later my husband went to his doctor for the ER follow up and he had not at all improved so he was admitted into the hospital this time and spent a very shitty three days in there. He now has asthma as a result of the pneumonia that wouldn't go away. And of course we are still paying off his medical bills a year later.

I got into a lot of fights with my mom this year about childcare. She couldn't watch my youngest enough and while I tried to make it work, my performance at work was seen as unsatisfactory.

People treated me terribly at work. Sexism reared its ugly head, not that HR would own up to it though, because of course fucking not.

I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (which I'm realizing now I shouldn't have signed, but hindsight is what it is).

At this point followed four months of absolute hell at work. I had to cancel my week long trip to Italy to see my friend in this flailing attempt to keep my job.

It all culminated with me finishing the PIP with lukewarm indications that they might extend it. The feedback I kept getting to my face was that my performance was improving. The feedback that was written in the official documentation was that I was constantly failing. My manager and the HR person who were collaborating on this particular torture would lie and stretch the truth about my performance to paint me in the worst light possible.

I finally quit.

Now two months later I'm still looking for a job. Luckily we have savings but those savings run out in February so I need to get a job soon.

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I'm tired of just surviving though. The spirit I want to bring into the next year is a hopeful one.

There were good things that happened this year too.

I got to go to Tokyo! Although the memory is a touch tainted by the fact that it was a work trip, I still fucking got to go to Tokyo!! It was absolutely incredible. I refuse to let my shitty previous company poison that for me though.

We managed to get our youngest into full time day care at the same place where my oldest goes to preschool and she has been adjusting, so now we have the breathing room and the time necessary to get work done.

I've been doing more art this year, which has felt good.

I have made another really great friend, hilariously, through work (before I quit, obviously).

We added a desk for my husband up in the green room where my office is so he can finally see the day light while he's working.

I'm enjoying the cold a lot more than I used to. I've been listening to books on my morning dog walks and it's been really nice. I've taken some cool pictures.

I've been enjoying classical books more and really appreciating them in a way I couldn't when I was younger.

I finally chopped off my hair and faced the reality that I look better with short hair.

My kids are continuing to be a source of absolute delight.

I started using an agenda again and it has been useful instead of a drain, which is nice.

As far as work, I'm finally making progress in interviews. I just have to study a fuck ton so that I don't mess up all the technical interviews but at least for now it feels like there's a glimmer of hope. I am not unemployable. This too shall pass. I just need a paying job for the next year, even if it's not a lot of money. And then I can take my time to find an actual job I like once my husband finally finishes grad school this summer.

One thing I want to do more of is be more intentional about my clothes. I've said this before, but I'm reaffirming. I don't want to be like that grandma on her deathbed wishing she had used the nice dining set. I don't want to get to the end of my life and wish I had worn the fun clothes. So that's one of the things I want to do more of going forward.

Ok I think that's enough of a list for now. All of this has kind of just been swirling around in my brain for a while and it had to come out, so here we are. I hope 2024 treats us all more kindly.

12.22.2023

Not going to lie, it's been a really hard year.

We started off with New Year's Eve 2022 in the middle of the night needing to call an ambulance because my husband couldn't breathe (pneumonia!). He spent the night and day in the ER.

A day or so later my cat started breathing heavily and not acting like his usual self. We took him to the veterinary hospital where he was put on oxygen. The vet could do nothing for him (xrays showed pockets of infection or cancer in his lungs) and so we had to put him to sleep.

A couple of days later my husband went to his doctor for the ER follow up and he had not at all improved so he was admitted into the hospital this time and spent a very shitty three days in there. He now has asthma as a result of the pneumonia that wouldn't go away. And of course we are still paying off his medical bills a year later.

I got into a lot of fights with my mom this year about childcare. She couldn't watch my youngest enough and while I tried to make it work, my performance at work was seen as unsatisfactory.

People treated me terribly at work. Sexism reared its ugly head, not that HR would own up to it though, because of course fucking not.

I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (which I'm realizing now I shouldn't have signed, but hindsight is what it is).

At this point followed four months of absolute hell at work. I had to cancel my week long trip to Italy to see my friend in this flailing attempt to keep my job.

It all culminated with me finishing the PIP with lukewarm indications that they might extend it. The feedback I kept getting to my face was that my performance was improving. The feedback that was written in the official documentation was that I was constantly failing. My manager and the HR person who were collaborating on this particular torture would lie and stretch the truth about my performance to paint me in the worst light possible.

I finally quit.

Now two months later I'm still looking for a job. Luckily we have savings but those savings run out in February so I need to get a job soon.

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12.22.2023

Not going to lie, it's been a really hard year.

We started off with New Year's Eve 2022 in the middle of the night needing to call an ambulance because my husband couldn't breathe (pneumonia!). He spent the night and day in the ER.

A day or so later my cat started breathing heavily and not acting like his usual self. We took him to the veterinary hospital where he was put on oxygen. The vet could do nothing for him (xrays showed pockets of infection or cancer in his lungs) and so we had to put him to sleep.

A couple of days later my husband went to his doctor for the ER follow up and he had not at all improved so he was admitted into the hospital this time and spent a very shitty three days in there. He now has asthma as a result of the pneumonia that wouldn't go away. And of course we are still paying off his medical bills a year later.

I got into a lot of fights with my mom this year about childcare. She couldn't watch my youngest enough and while I tried to make it work, my performance at work was seen as unsatisfactory.

People treated me terribly at work. Sexism reared its ugly head, not that HR would own up to it though, because of course fucking not.

I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (which I'm realizing now I shouldn't have signed, but hindsight is what it is).

At this point followed four months of absolute hell at work. I had to cancel my week long trip to Italy to see my friend in this flailing attempt to keep my job.

It all culminated with me finishing the PIP with lukewarm indications that they might extend it. The feedback I kept getting to my face was that my performance was improving. The feedback that was written in the official documentation was that I was constantly failing. My manager and the HR person who were collaborating on this particular torture would lie and stretch the truth about my performance to paint me in the worst light possible.

I finally quit.

Now two months later I'm still looking for a job. Luckily we have savings but those savings run out in February so I need to get a job soon.

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12.22.2023

looking for the beauty in winter.

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THIS!

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Bloom where you unintentionally find yourself, I guess. We're all sick again and the house is a mess and work is bad and I'm trying so hard not to give in to despair.

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8.1.2023

So much anxiety lately though I guess I'm glad that my husband helped me realize that what's wrong with me is that I have anxiety and that it's not my depression returning. It feels better, knowing that. I can figure out a way to cope with anxiety.

The photo above is one I took when I was doing retail therapy at the craft store. I felt some type of way about these wooden bird houses. Just so incredibly wrong. I'm anxious about the state of our house. It's always cluttered and we have neither the time nor the energy to declutter or clean. I want to hire someone to clean but it feels like giving up and if it's a cluttered mess anyway how much can a housekeeper clean anyway? Can we even afford it? I feel like I'm drowning again, can we afford not to?

Looking at those bird houses I felt absolutely insane. And buying a bunch of sketchbooks didn't solve my issues, imagine that.

My biggest worry is work of course. I'm not doing enough. I'm not working enough hours. It's time for the mid cycle review and I feel sick thinking about having to account for the work I've done the last six months. I keep saying I'll turn it around and then never do. All I keep thinking is that I should find a new job to run away from my failures here but as I already know, wherever you go, there you are. I've felt like this at every job I've had. A new job won't fix my lack of commitment.

I have to start being more efficient and committed during my few day time work hours because I can't get up early and I can't always commit to working at night. I'm too tired after I see the kids off to bed.

As always, I'm tired of being awful to my kids and not being patient enough with them. I constantly have a timer running on my mind of the time I'm with them but I'm thinking about work or how little sleep I'm getting. It's not their fault, I need to get over that.

I've decided to follow that one skeleton meme approach to all these bad feelings. "If it sucks, hit da bricks!" Well, these feelings suck and I am just going to leave them behind. There is nothing wrong that I can't fix.

I don't have childcare for my youngest today or tomorrow but my husband will take her out of the house for a bit so I can work. I will also not nap today and will work while she's sleeping. I will knock out my current project and then do my work self reflection later with a sense of accomplishment. My second thing is to go to bed earlier. If I'm less tired, I'm more patient, simple as that.

So, 1. Stop avoiding work

2. Go to bed early

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fun fact! did you know that you can gain extra ‘forbidden time’ by staying up late in the night? but Watch Out

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“everything will be okay”: shallow and dismissive comfort that establishes impossible goal an indefinite future away

“in two weeks you will have different problems”: so true bestie the human experience

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