sojohley

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Oh my gosh yes

“That amazing moment when you hear a song you haven’t heard in years and you still know every word.”

— Unknown

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emotions.

Hey there. I’ve definitely had enough. I don’t want to do this anymore and I’m cutting off ppl. Idc, I refuse to allow anyone to use me and come to me when they need something. Like they can come and go. I’m tired. I’d rather not talk to anyone. And I also refuse to allow myself to hurt anyone because I’m simply “not ready” I’m not too hard on myself about it because I know I deserve to finally be alone. I talk to friends, but if they ask for something more (because it’s hard having platonic male friends) I’m going to respectfully say no. It’s either friendship or nothing. People need to learn and respect the friendship phase. Get to know each other more, learn why they are the way they are (because at the end of the day no one is perfect) but just get to know their soul. I think there’s a time and person to be serious with, but I believe that comes naturally. Not everyone is someone special. I guess you have to keep those around. I’ve let go of special people and it was the hardest thing to do. I’ve been sad for the emotional attachments that I’ve lost and the soul that made me laugh, cry, be or get upset, the memories that stay left behind, but it has to be done. So you can grow and especially for the other. They may not see it nor I, but as time goes you appreciate what you know now. The path that it took you and the person you are now. It makes me cry. Because I’ve met such great ppl but at wrong timing.. for my part or their part. Crazy how we bump into the perfect ppl to build our character for specifically our future. I hope that when I’m older I get to look back in life and be happy for what has happened. I don’t want to look back and be sad, or regret, and I’m working on that. To allow, accept, and move on. To heal within God’s timing, not mine. Everything happens for a reason. I want to genuinely be happy with life and myself. I want to have a family one day and be with a man that I unconditionally love. I want to feel so safe and warm. I dream of such a life. I know it will come one day but at it’s own timing, God willing. I get discouraged because I’m at an age where I see others have it going for them. Graduating school, have a family, a home, a good paying job, vacationing.. it goes on. I have not finished school, I work, but doesn’t know how to save money, I can be irresponsible, but I never give up to at least try. Try to work hard to save money for school, but the urge to just spend money… I’ll get it one day. I thank God for my job. I don’t want to speak on such subjects anymore. I’d rather stay quiet, but I don’t like it. Especially at work, it’s so crazy. Whatever is going on in my personal life I simply shut it off as I walk past those entrance doors. My personal life does not exist or I try not to let it affect me at all. I have to be careful too. I don’t shut my feelings out they remain and I stay calm. I keep myself private in certain situations and with people. I do wonder about those I work with. Some of them seem so fake, but I really shouldn’t be talking lmfao. I guess now what I’m saying is I’m fake hahaha jk. It’s actually now very understandable. I’ve seen personal topics affect my coworkers during the shift. That’s why I’m careful. They see another side of you being vulnerable. I’m not saying be a robot either, ppl don’t see you as human sometimes. Quite possibly as a competition and they want to see what you’re weaknesses are. Nobody really cares honestly.

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Belladonna of Sadness (1973, dir. Eiichi Yamamoto)

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Booboo Stewart photographed by David Katzinger for Schön Magazine

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art by Aldous Massie

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