solsteri

[solsteri]

to my youngest sister, 

How can you understand me the least but be the only one in the world who can understand me at all. Beginning opposed to live in the same space and exist within each other. Hurt by our circumstances of home life, we fell into a fated dance of generational hurt passed through our parents and siblings. Bearing the illusion of declarations of love with underlining manipulation and guilt, set us targets to hold the weight of our emotionally unavailable parents from our world. We grew to hate each other and fueled our split family to aid each other to see how much we could hate one another. To you who threw the world in my face and I who did the same, I am sorry that I could not be the older sister that we both did not have present. Our sisters were filled with the rage and sadness of living in our home. I don’t blame them for leaving anymore but I will never see them like I see you, my dearest younger sister. It pains me to think that we both used our hurt to break each other to the point of avoidance. I began to heal myself and realize that this life is the one I can remember, so how could I hurt you to this point. 

I have no recollection of when we began to exist at the same time. I remember being once apart from you and now I seek you out in a crowd.You know nothing of the inner working of my mind and I will never burden you with such, but I would hold each and every struggle that may come your way each and every time. I would relive my childhood for you to live one of happiness and joy at the expense of my own. To think that we don’t exist in the same space and we will soon grow old and distant with lives of our own. Seeing each other at every waking moment to being a call away will hurt more than anything you ever said to me. 

I know you will never blame me for leaving but I blame myself for not being enough to bring you with me. I am sorry that I left you there all on your own, just as everyone has done to us. You will never tell me that you miss me or ask me to come back because we both know what that place has done to us.

I thank you for being alive and although my life has hurt me to the point of no return, hurting you by leaving indefinitely has always kept me tied to the ground. Floating aimlessly in this world, I can always find you and watch you live. I hope that although late, I was able to be someone you search for and tell your thoughts to. I saw a chance to step out of this dance and change the tune we swayed to, although I will never dance with you again, I can be the supporter we all needed. 

I will never be enough to take all your pain and hurt away, but I will destroy every fiber of myself for you, give myself to the moon so that you can enjoy the night. 

sincerely, 

the second youngest.

by solsteri

[solsteri]

I feel like I don’t deserve to exist and the guilt of being alive eats at me everyday

[solsteri]

with pain and anguish, I longed for the day that I no longer exist for you

I lay here realizing that I will no longer exist within the realm of you

I have removed myself, freed from the shackles that held me to this place

Now I know nothing, nothing will hold me

the idea that you created of me that held me desperately down even tearing at my flesh

Nothing will hold me but ooh how I long to be held even at the expense of me

I don’t exist by solsteri

[solsteri]

why can't anyone come save me? please come save me.

i can't take the fear that is deeply sewn into my bones. rotting from within is infecting my mind. please come help me.

i no longer think that i can be a good person. please.

i need to rip the rotten bones out of my body. i am begging.

please come find me and save me from myself. te lo sopligo...

forsaken by solsteri

[solsteri]

the desire to stay deep rooted with rotting soil infects my desire to no longer stay stagnant and docile. 

i know i will begin to disintegrate along with this teetering foundation but the familiarity comforts the loneliness.

why am i staying when my roots are growing and sowing into different waters i am moving and changing directions with every passing day. 

I can no longer keep our roots intertwined since this mutualistic relationship is becoming parasitic and you are draining my life right out of me.

pending title by solsteri

[solsteri]

the basis of nothing but not enough to be not a thing 

no clear shackles that are bound but a tug that frightens anyone who sees not a thing

stood with no desire for motion neither a desire to stay stagnant 

the idea of perception ties me to the cycle of neither this nor that. 

by solsteri

[solsteri]

how did i get to this….why is no one here to help lift me up just as I did with them? i just want a friend who cares

[solsteri]

i wish the rain could wash my existence away

[solsteri]

The world does not end, for it has no limit. We are the ones who have a limit.

- When will the world end? by solsteri

[solsteri]

The day we can smile and say we have lost is when we have really made it.

- Afternoon thoughts by solsteri

[solsteri]

I walked alone, and I saw my future.

- My walk into senior year by solsteri