someoneyouwouldntwannaknow-blog

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avoidance and guilt

came here after watching a video about critical thinking and how writing makes one better. I was watching it because i was actively trying to avoid the work that I have. Since friday. I don’t know why but I just don’t feel like doing it. and I feel guilty that there are expectations off me that I won’t be able to fulfil. trying to avoid as if the idea is just going to come to me while I spend time watching random things on youtube. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. of not wanting to do something because you know you’ll not be able to match the expectations of people from you.

even writing this feels like a task. I just took my phone and started looking at instagram. which i have looked at around 100 times already today.

this guilt is killing me

[someoneyouwouldntwannaknow-blog]

The inevitable

I was told today that J has been seeing someone lately, and my heart sank. Though I don’t know if he dated anyone in these 2 years. Maybe he did. But this woman. I met this woman on my birthday. and it just felt odd, for her to be there. and it just felt, that there’s something. and that’s what happened.

So many thoughts, just running through. My mind cannot stop thinking. Why didn’t he tell me about it? Is this why he was not responding to my messages like he used to? Is this why he didn’t ask me to go somewhere else when everyone left on my birthday? He didn’t even respond when I asked him if he was coming for our colleagues’s wedding. Looking into the past trying to find how things changed. Did I make it happen? Was I the one who pushed him away?

I think it was clear that it’s not going to work out. He never asked me to meet when he was in bangalore, we only met with friends or people around. I had told him that i’d never ask him to meet me again because it never felt like he waned to. And he didn’t still. 

Maybe I don’t matter. Maybe I never mattered. It just hurts to hear this from someone else. But it’s better to hear it from someone else.

Just imagining ways I’m going to respond when I see him this friday. Will he come with her? of course he will. Will it hurt? Yes it will.

I’m just surprised that it’s been 6 months since we’ve both been here and we never really met. All the things I wanted to say to him. Never said. All the things I wanted him to know, will never be.

And now I keep thinking how will I give him the book that I always wanted to give him. I feel like it’s just that one thread that’s holding me. and i’ll bawl and cry. but i’ll be alright.

[someoneyouwouldntwannaknow-blog]

07 March 2019 A productive day? Was planning to wake up early morning but woke up just around when breakfast was ending. Took a bath and went to the department to work on the project because I needed the light panel. Worked. AS came and just ignored him. Same he did. L and V came together as usual. Felt like asking L to change her places because the whole day V was wandering in our section and it just boiled my blood. Bitch. Worked the whole day. P again asked for khoka today but refused because first, It felt like he's just asking for the sake of it. Second, AS didn't give a fuck so, didn't want to go because I think he didn't want me to come. Went with H instead. I think I should not share much things with H beacuse I think he doesn't keep things to himself. Tried to keep my mood up while working. I'd like to believe I managed to but deep down I know I was sad. I don't know why people are like this. Why they don't fucking care. Or maybe they do about others, just don't care about me or what I think or want. As I write this, tears just roll down my eyes. Why the fuck. Just why. The more I try to be adaptable and understanding. The more people find ways to fuck with me and be bloody assholes about everything. Anyway, I think I should get back to work.

P.S. Couldn’t find any picture for now. Might change it afterward.

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06 March 2019 Finally After struggling not to wake up, finally woke up around 4 am. Watched the movie which I left in the middle because I wanted to sleep. Me Earl and the dying girl. Cried. Still had some time left for breakfast to start. So after a lot of not wanting to do it, finally wrote last day's diary. Going through Insta and seeing this junior's post and wondering why am I not productive like her. Wasting my time in watching movies and writing diaries. Really questioning my life choices right now. And I slept again at 8 and woke up around 11. Watched a documentary waiting for lunch to start. Ate and after an hour or two finally sat down to work on the project. Yay. Studied the manual. Was skipping through content by evening just to get it done with. Did my skin routine (which I do like every once in 4 months?) in between studying. P texted in the group for khoka. Ignored. Felt like he only texted because I told him yesterday that they don't. Didn't pick up his call. Watched another teen drama. Grabbed some dinner and after that just don't feel like working anymore. Though I have to because no time left. P texted again and I replied back like I didn't want to talk. Rain poured down heavily today and it felt nice somehow. I don't know what else to add. Just a bit worried about the Exhibition branding. Nothing productive have been done since a week and I’m being too lazy to do anything. Should go back to work.

P.S. This tree is in front of my balcony and blocks the view. But today, when I went to my balcony in the evening and I saw towards the sky, the tree looked so pretty. The picture didn’t come out so well. But I’m happy that I took it anyway.

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05 March 2019 I don't really know if I even want to write this one. Woke up late and missed breakfast because I was up till 4 watching a movie last night. Wasted the whole day on the bed doing absolutely nothing. Went to the department and sat with H to do some work regarding the exhibition that we're handling. Ended up discussing random things and movie stars. Wasted another 2 hours. H asked to go to Khoka so asked P. He said they already went but he'll come anyway. Was so fucking pissed. They just didn't ask. Since Saturday they just didn't ask once. It's not like L that whenever they ask I say no. I don't. I'm always ready to come. But I think they only don't want to hang around with me. so, I don't know. Something must be wrong with me. I just try to be good and go wherever anyone asks to and still this happens. I don't know what else to do. Anyway, Went to khoka and while going there I was saying something to H and he isn't just responding or even listening. He's busy on his phone. I know he does that sometimes when he's so engrossed in his phone that he doesn't listen. But I still got a little sad. P and R came with a camera. Turns out they're going on a trip. And that's it. I was just so fucking pissed. I mean R is behaving like such an asshole about what apparently happened that day. He should just ask me about what was that all about. Instead, he's just being an asshole. I was just hurt. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Just sitting there trying to hold the tears. Wanted to go back to the room. Got to know that only R is going but was still hurt by the way he was behaving. Went back alone. P caught up asking what happened and I just didn't want to talk to him. Or anyone. Went back to the room and cried. And suddenly a storm came and it started raining. Just how sometimes the weather changes in sync with your mood. It’s like the sky was crying with me. Downloaded a movie and while waiting for dinner to start started watching the movie. But felt so done with the day that just went to sleep. Skipped dinner. Woke up in between because of the calls and the uncomfortable position I was trying to sleep in. But didn't want to wake up.

P.S. Looking through the pictures in my phone and came across this. Was taken in the first sem when we went to attend this music festival and it was the best three days anyone could ask for. Didn’t want to come back. Happy Days. Would like to have them back. Also, It wouldn’t hurt to actually have a friend that understands and stays forever. Hoping to get lucky.

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04 March 2019 Moody Monday I just didn't want to wake up today. I don't know why. But had to because was expecting H to come back from home as we have to work on the project and we're running a bit late on that. Turns out he's not coming because apparently, the bus service was not available today. Did some chores. Talked to L, she was also planning to go to the city. Turns out the bus service was available today. Asshole H. Also, lazy me because I just didn't want to work on the project alone. I don't know why I start relying on people so easily. Grabbed some lunch. Did some online shopping *wink wink*. Some conversation with H reminded of prom and how I don't have a dress if it requires me to go. Searched online, got to know that it's called a maxi dress. Couldn't find anything worth buying. After a long wait and wasted hours, we finally went to the party at T da's place. I think R is pissed with me after what happened on friday. A asked who knows me like he does and I said P (I just didn’t think. or maybe I did Idk. P and R knows some things or the other. Idk why I didn’t say R maybe because lately I talk to P more) Also, A said that I told him how i sometimes rant about what R and L did. I think R listened and though he's not saying anything but now he's is just too angry. Was just scared to have bhaang because of the little experience I had previously. Had only 2 glasses. Also chillam. T da was so hospitable. Also, I might get a project to do a canvas. I'm excited but also don't think I'll get it. Downloaded a movie during the day that I was planning to watch during the night but ended up downloading another movie because I wanted to watch teen drama. The diary of a teenage girl. I could relate to the girl so much. How much she's insecure about how she looks and what people feel about her. Like how she craves love sometimes. But also learned that you don't need another person to love you for you to feel happy. Waited for the bhaang to hit but no. nothing. Asked friends and everybody was disappointed. Should have had that another glass. A friend texted. Talked to him after long. Felt good. Also, another friend sorta. D called. And I wasn't expecting at all. Talked to him after so fucking long. Felt really good. I think I really need to text/call people more often. I just don't. I need to keep my bonds strong. I feel like I'm just loosing out on all the friends that I have. Was going through the lobby and saw L's room was not lit. Went to check, turns out she's not there. Wondered where she was. When I was grabbing some dinner I saw her with V. I think she really likes hanging out with her. Also makes me think that she never did with me as she does with her. Made me sad about how she still knows where we're going and we don't know what she is. Having the best of both worlds. Sometimes I think I get so affected by losing a friend. I don't know what will happen if I ever start dating someone. I'll go crazy. Listening to, "city of stars" right now thinking that I really need to listen to that advice from the movie. I don't need anyone else to love me for me to be happy.

P.S. I think I dig this grainy effect on my pictures. Gotta have some more of this.

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03 March 2019 A lazy Sunday What is it about mornings that you just don't want to get out of bed? I don't know why but was just feeling low the whole day. Room was a mess. Tried to clean up a bit. Listened to this Discover Weekly playlist by Spotify to cheer myself up. Didn't help much. Went to grab some lunch and saw L with V. Made me sad to just see L switching friends, feels like she just doesn't care. Or maybe she never did. And also, like how easily now she comes down for lunch and dinner and earlier when I used to ask her she just wouldn't come. Went to the room. Cried on that same playlist I was trying to cheer myself on. Felt like talking to someone. Felt like calling P and crying on his shoulder. But just couldn't. That if I call him, I might disturb him because the project submission deadline is on our head right now. Also because I've never really cried in front of him. He just might feel weird. Felt like I didn't have any friends because I just couldn't text anyone. There was no one I could vent to. Felt so alone. Watched some video on how harmful social media is. Logged off all accounts but then logged back in later in the evening. Wanted to work so bad on my project today since I haven't touched it since November and now we need to submit the progress report. But was feeling so down that decided to watch a movie instead. Lost in translation. It's just, I don’t know. How people make you feel so alone that you just try to find comfort wherever possible. It's been two days since I've been to khoka and was expecting a text in the group but nothing. Probably they went without me. Felt left alone. My cousin got engaged today. He had that girl since forever! Was really happy for him. But lowkey felt sad for myself. Why can't I have someone love me? I'm 24 and never had a boyfriend and thinking about it just made me sad as I'm only going to grow older now. Wish I had like a high school love or something. College would have also worked but no. Nothing. Done knitting scenarios in my head with some random guys that I know won’t happen. Really wanted someone to just hold me, touch me. Some hormonal imbalance probably. Really wanted to talk to someone. Why don't I have friends? Or when I do, why do some shit happens and it gets ruined. Discovered Valerie by Amy Winehouse. Such a beautiful song.  Grabbed some dinner and decided to watch another movie. Half Nelson. Beautiful movie. I hope I also find a friend that lasts forever. Feel a bit better now. Excited about tomorrow as we might go to a partayy. Though now I feel like I should really not be focussing on partying right now and get back to work.

P.S. This picture I took from my balcony somewhere around summer I guess. Reminds me of all the lazy afternoons I’ve spent in my room, not a care in the world. And I love it.

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01 March 2019 About Yesterday Woke up to the alarm only to realize I wanted to go back to sleep. Had an exam. Got late because of the lazy mess that I am. Was half asleep during the first half of it but managed to complete the paper. Was excited because it was Friday and that we’ll go out and drink. We usually when it’s dark but I really wanted to see the sunset at the ghat so convinced my friends to go early. And oh god, words can describe how beautiful it was. I don't think in the 2 years of me being here have I seen it so beautiful. I might have said it like a hundred times that day. There's nothing better than sitting with friends near the shore, having a beer and watch the boats pass by. Found some juniors there. Got to know that I'm not approachable. That they do find me super friendly but I'm also intimidating. I so wish I could change that. One of my friends said that I talk a lot in English when I'm drunk (My native language is different). Felt a bit embarrassed because I know I don't speak it well. I've always felt easier to write (though I still make errors) because I get anxious while speaking and feel that people will judge me if I don't speak well. Got to know that N (one of our juniors) takes anxiety pills and A (another one of our juniors) had some major money issues which probably no one knew about. Sometimes, you just don't know what people are going through for so long and that they're so strong. I talked to A after so long. I used to talk to him a lot but somewhere he caught feelings and I didn't and not knowing how to deal with it I just stopped talking. It's been an year since and he still hasn't gotten over it. At one point while talking to him I started feeling uncomfortable and wished someone would just call me. And there my phone rang. I feel so bad for him but also don't know what to do. I so wish he finds someone soon. Got super drunk. Some people left early and some legit puked. A went somewhere and his phone was off. Was anxious half the time because of the fear that he might do something to himself. One of the reasons being, I left him sitting there in the middle of our conversation. Went back to khoka and everyone ate a lot except me. I don't know why I just didn't want to. Planned to beat two of the juniors because they were being mean (one of them twisted my hand so bad it still hurts)  Got back to hostel only to realize that canteen is closed (because now I'm hungry). Went to P's hostel. They broke one of the beer bottles (god knows how). Ate. Cuddled a cat. Fed a dog which had such pretty eyes. She was scared and I don't know why and I tried to comfort her but she just didn't even let us touch her. felt really bad. Probably she was hit too many times by us "humans". Wish I could do something. Make her believe that not all humans are the same. But sometimes I think, you just have to let things be and hope that they might get better.

It’s almost midnight. Went back to hostel and P and Pi came to drop me. They didn’t have to. Sometimes I feel like why can’t they have co-ed hostels here. It would be so much convenient as my friend circle mostly comprises of guys. Came to the room and was so fucking tired. P texted, “let’s sit near the lake”. I really wanted to but was so exhausted that just couldn’t get out of bed. Felt bad because whenever I call him for anything he comes and he doesn’t usually ask and when he did I just couldn’t. Makes me sad.

P.S. this is not the best of the picture and it really can't do justice with what I really saw but this is all that I could manage with my broken ass phone.

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02 March 2019 Not the best of days  |  To new beginnings So, This is my first attempt at having a daily blog sort of. Idk why I'm doing this. I always wanted to keep a diary but feared someone might find it. So decided to have an online blog. But was confused if I should make a website or do it on Instagram. As I am writing it, I still haven't decided where should I go (The over-thinker that I am). Also, I don't know If I will continue doing this. I hope I would. The day started with me getting up a little hungover, had too much to drink yesterday. Rushed to the class to have a meeting but no one was there. Waited. 1/3rd of the team came. Not one of the most productive meeting I would say. People just don't want to work. And I don't know how will I do it by myself. At least there's one friend I can rely on and somewhere I feel blessed.  Wanted to go to this conference that's happening on Typography but couldn't which made me sad. It was the first day of it today and seeing their story I so wish I was there. Wanted to work on my project but slept through the day. Half being the reason that I was hungover still and other being that I'm fucking lazy. Why am I like this? A weird dream woke me up realizing that I am growing up too fast and I can't go back. I'm only going to get older day by day and that all this will be gone which somewhat made me sadder. Installed Tinder and uninstalled it after an hour. Felt like venting out to someone, but who? Sometimes, you don't know how to make people understand what you feel. You feel like they have an image of you in their mind for so long and if you tell them how you actually feel, that image will change. You want to stay a happy go lucky of a person to people that know you. But sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you want to know them that's not who you are. But somewhere you think they just wouldn't understand. Somewhere, you fear that you might lose them. And somewhere in the process, you die a little. Sometimes, I wish I could be the same person that people think I am. Not having a care in the world. Why did I have to be like this? Well, I think that's how it's going to be. And I should learn how to make peace with it. P.S. This is a picture from when I came here for the first time. At that time I never thought that I'll get to stay here and have some of the best times of my life. This picture is the beginning of a new journey.