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sometimes i wish i can just sleep and never wake up

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Fascinating. You look all frail and breakable, but you’re really a violent little thing, aren’t you?

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Hope is a fickle, dangerous thing. It steals your focus and aims it toward the possibilities instead of keeping it where it belongs - on the probabilities. || Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

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I just want a ghibli life !!

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27 april.

haven been heartbroken in a long time so if you’re reading this, this is dedicated to you. (i hope that you read this.)

i haven begun to process it ever since wednesday and it’s been almost a week so far. i have been rationalising to myself about everything that happened, everything that you said and the worst part is that i still secretly hope that this was all a mistake. i hate that about myself.

im surprised that i didn’t had a big breakdown when you first broke the news to me because a part of me already expected it i guess, ever since the first conversation that we had about it. it’s been gnawing at the back of my head not to take this for granted, that all of this is too good to be true, that i can’t be what you wanted after all. i was holding myself together because i still had to function like a normal human being, having to go to work and pretend that i didn’t just had my heart bared open and bleeding because i have always been the girl to wear her heart on her sleeves. i gave my 100% to you and it wasn’t reciprocated and more than anything, i was just in shock at the sudden turn of events, the flick of a switch in your attitude in just a few weeks. what caused me to finally break down today was actually telling my mum that it was over between us because she asked me about you and i suddenly couldn’t stop myself from crying.

what hurts the most is that there were no indications, zero signs. i was so blissfully happy just being in your company and i’m sad that i didn’t know you were so conflicted about it and i’m thinking back were you forcing yourself to be together with you during this whole period. thinking about this hurts, and despite everything that has happened i would still go through it again because of how i felt when i was with you. i couldn’t fault you for anything because in my eyes, i thought that you did everything perfectly. it’s the small details that hurts for me to think about, and i guess nobody has ever done those things for me before so i really hold them very close to my heart. and i thought that i was doing the whole girlfriend thing correctly - by being understanding and patient when you’re not ready to share, spending all my time with you because i miss your presence and i thought you want to as well, giving you the physical intimacy and affection because i wanted to and i’m learning also and you made me feel reassured about myself when i’m so insecure about me.

when i fall, i fall deep till i’m submerged beneath the ocean, and all i’m breathing in is you. i either give my everything, or i give nothing at all, there isn’t a halfway point. you made it so easy for me to fall for you with your gestures and words, you made it so easy for me to believe that i was what you were looking for, the fairytale answer that i have always been seeking to hear. and just like that, i am yours. and just as easily, you had a change of heart and i’m left drowning.

throughout this short period of time, i felt the kind of love that i envisioned myself having since it’s been so long since i felt this way about anyone. i wanted things to be right and i wanted to be right for you. i’ll always put you first before anyone else, neglecting myself because i want you to be happy, trying to fit in the mould that you want me to be because i’m scared that i’ll lose you, scared that i’ll lose this happiness that i felt from being with you now that i got a taste of it - it’s hard to let go.

it’s too late now to say anything else and im typing this because i learnt a lot from this short relationship - what i liked and what i didn’t like. i didn’t like how i felt pressured to be good in sex when i had no experience at all and all i could think about was how to please you because i’m scared that you don’t like it. this takes time and ultimately practice but i guess i couldn’t satisfy you because you can’t be bothered to wait. i didn’t like how you had to be calculative about the amount of money that you were spending and putting it on me in the end when you know i don’t like it either and i was always thinking of how to repay you back in other ways; be it for our next monthsary or occasion but i guess you couldn’t be patient to wait for it and you said our ways of expressing love is different.

i’ll tell you what are my ways of expressing love are. to me, love is being able to spend quality time with your partner. and i believed that we did since we were both still trying to figure each other out. i loved spending time with you. time just flies when i’m with you and i always hated that the weekends are so short because i’ll have to wait another week before i could see you again. i spent most of my free time with you watching game of thrones, playing stardew, lazing in your bed doing nothing and feeling everything at the same time. i spent every waking minute thinking about when i’m gonna be seeing you.

to me, love is being considerate and understanding of your partner’s feelings and having open communication to know what’s wrong and working together to rectify the problem. which is what i tried to understand from your point of view regarding the whole situation and i wanted us to work so badly. i think i’ve been very understanding to the whole situation and i’m open to working out our issues as long as both parties are willing to put in the effort, accepting each other’s flaws because that is love and love is also about compromising.

to me, love is the small feather light touches, the feeling of being near you but still feeling that i’m still not close enough. the good kind of heartache in my chest whenever you say something to me, and how my heart clenches and clings on to each word that you said because of how happy it made me feel. the feeling of stroking your hair through my fingers, the light caresses down your face watching you sleep beside me, the space between our lips every time we stop to breathe while kissing and we’re both smiling before we reach out for each other again. how i fit right in your arms when you hug me to sleep with your head on top of mine, breathing in your familiar scent from your neck and i feel immediately comforted and at ease knowing you are there and this is all i want. how i love interlocking hands with you so i can rub your fingers with my thumb, how much i love hugging you because i like breathing in your scent and having to tiptoe to hug you properly with my arms around your neck. how i love that you will trace my lower back with your fingers, i love how you will caress my chin when you’re driving halfway, i love how naturally your hands will reach out for mine when we’re going out, i love how you bought me a pillow to put at your place so that i can be comfortable - i love being with you.

all i can say is that you taught me how i should be treated right - how i like guys who pay attention to the small details, how i like just spending time together doing nothing at all with no plans because i’m contented just being near the person, how i like guys who are not afraid to introduce me to his family, how i like guys that are meticulous and so caring, how i like guys who talk about our future together because i’m a romanticist who thinks of fairytales and happy endings, how i like you so so much. and this has just become a closed chapter because i need to move on and not compare you to the next person because we both deserve our own happiness.

so thank you for everything, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. you have given so much to me and i only hope that i have given you the same and i wasn’t just a passerby in your life. i hope that i was significant as you were to me, that it has taught you something as well. and i’ll try to be a better version of myself for the next person when he comes along so i don’t make the same mistakes. i’m just a hopeless romantic and i just fall a bit too fast and hard, and i won’t want it any other way because that’s just how i am. i want to love fearlessly and be in the kind of love where i could run wild and amok, the kind of love where i make spontaneous decisions but never regret them because in that moment, it felt right to me.

you felt right to me then.

and i sincerely wish that you can find your happiness as i hope that i can too from this experience. thank you for loving me during this short period, as broken as i am, as imperfect as i am and you made me feel accepted. i don’t regret any of it.

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I cannot stress enough how important it is to speak up for yourself when someone is crossing your boundaries or dismissing your feelings. You are your biggest advocate. No one else can read your mind or feels what you feel.

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the fam & their cloaks

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GERALT OF RIVIA - THE WITCHER

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Gojou Satoru & Getou Suguru || JUJUTSU KAISEN 0 Movie Official PV

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