somethinglikelife

[somethinglikelife]

Am I an exception?

So I live with a roommate 20 years my junior, and I've noticed things while living with them.

As much as I like their chicken, I'll pass on Chick-fil-A, they'll buy from them. I mean they funded conversion therapy! And are very anti-us. Roomie's reasoning? One person's boycott won't change a thing. One person might, but I am not just one person, there are many like me out there.

Spider is also a workaholic and willingly works over a hundred hours a week. Me, I like work life balance, though that might be because at almost 43 years old, I realize I really don't want to be just a number for some corporate entity that only cares about how to make the share holders happy, while working their labor staff to the bones, and paying them slave wages.

I'd rather leave a mark out there by helping people, if either with this little blog (yeah I know big dreams for less than 100 posts), my writing, or actually helping people, like I'm doing with my job, assisting people with disabilities handle the world.

I also don't want to be the kind of person that schedules each an every moment of their lives. I know there are too many Americans that do that, even schedule their damn vacations to EVERY waking moment. That's not living that's punching a clock every day. I may be a steampunk, but I'd rather avoid the factories okay?

How about you readers? are you someone that needs your life in writing? Or you willing to jump off the beaten path and explore?

[somethinglikelife]

There are four open files on my laptop

Why am I telling you all this?

Because I need to motivate myself. Thank you Matt for the self doubt you instilled in me when I was six.

But enough of that asshole that I called my grandfather, on to the files!

The first file is a running brain dump. On it is everything from Fanfiction ideas (yeah I write fanfiction, it's been a hobby for the last thirty years. Do I make money off it? No. Will I ever publish one of them for money? No.), novel ideas, podcast ideas, and sketch ideas for TikTok and YT sketches. This running list is updated as I think up ideas, luckily I can have it on my laptop and on my phone for easy general ideas brain dumping. And yeah, that file will NEVER be seen by others, it's written in my own short hand so yeah, it's kept as safe as I feel keeping it.

The second file is the podcast I've been working on for a while. I want the script to actually feel natural before I start recording that crazy adventure (And there might be a book series with that too if only so I can fill in details that I can't do in an auditorial form). This stays on my laptop, though while I'm at work I toy with ideas in my work notebook when I can get some time between clients.

The third is the fanfic I'm currently editing (I have been playing in DC's multiverse a bit, and the fic really needs some work even though it's unfinished). This gets toyed with when I'm stuck on other projects so it may be in it's current state for a while yet.

The last file, is the novel I'm toying with, which I started writing, honestly when I was about 8. Though it's gone through a LOT of revisions. Currently I've changed the main character about twenty times, though now I think I'm actually happy with how it's going. Hell, I started writing it before I knew what Urban fantasy is, and it's a pinch of that, mixed with some sci-fi and well, I'm still debating how I want to publish it. Self publishing has some perks, though also has a lot of pitfalls. Why is it still open on my laptop? Because it's the project that I am still trying to use to find my true voice.

Which brings me back to Matt and the words he said to a six year old Nick. On Christmas if you can believe it. My brother and I were told to go help him and Ma (my Mom's step-mother) bring the Christmas presents from their house (which was three driveways down from ours) to ours. It was a yearly tradition for about ten years, but that year... that's when I realized Mom's side of the family was toxic. My brother had gone ahead with the orange sled filled with the brightly wrapped packages, our dog Wolf was padding along beside him, enjoying the snow. Ma stayed back at their cabin to bake pies for the yearly gathering, so I was walking with my grandfather.

Someone who I always thought should be supportive of their kids and grandkids. Maybe I was a little jealous of what my cousins on my Dad's side got with being so close to his dad for the holidays (Grandpa would bake, Grams would make candy and they had a FARM! I mean really what little kid doesn't want to be on a farm? Other than farmer's kids), instead, I had Matt.

He hated anyone with an education higher than third grade, and hated anyone who read books. Mind you as a kid, I always had my nose in a book. It was the first thing I packed when going on a camping trip (Yeah I'm one of those campers that will take two pairs of jeans and about four shirts and pairs of socks. The rest of my camping bag has a book, and various snacks.) and he thought it was a waste of time. Though when he and Ma babysat us for the weekend all they wanted to do was listen to talk radio (my hate of right wing media may have started then honestly) and ignore us. So, as a baby GenXer, I had to pretty much raise myself, and make sure my 2 year younger Millennial baby brother (mind you I'm introvert while I swear my brother can be dropped in the middle of NYC in rush hour and walk away with twenty friends in five minutes. I'm not talking acquaintances, but life long friends of varied cultures. Yeah, I might envy him a little.)

I'm distracting myself sorry.

So, on this walk, which only took us about three to five minutes to do the round trip, Matt asked the dreaded question.

"What do you plan on doing with your life?"

I was six, and he knew before break we had been asked that by our teacher, and my class's homework over the break was to write a paragraph (A whole hundred words!) on the subject. So I guess he was expecting me to answer something like taking over his business (they ran a ceramics shop in the local tourist trap) and being a loyal housewife. Or some boring shit like that, though really the ceramics would have been fun to learn... ANYWAY

What came out of my mouth was -

"I want to be a writer like Daddy, or a cop."

Matt was silent for a few moments as we walked, I thought that I had said something wrong, but Dad had always told me that I have the potential to do whatever I wanted. He never treated me any different than my little brother (for the most part. Boo got to go on the yearly fishing trips before I did. Even though I begged Dad to let me go.). Though as we neared the driveway, Matt finally spoke up.

"You'll never be good at either. Those are jobs for men"

That's exactly what he told me, I was six years old, it was Christmas of 1985, and I'm standing in the middle of a gravel street, on the packed snow in white sorel boots, a cream colored snow suit with a pink knit scarf and hat, my hands in pink and red mittens stuffed into my pockets, unsure if I wanted to run ahead of him, or sit on the street and cry.

Of course, I let him walk ahead of me, slowing down so I could compose myself. I wasn't going to let his words ruin Christmas for the family. So, yeah I stuffed it down.

So that fourth file... Is all my emotions, my thoughts, my two (thankfully) failed suicide attempts, and all the other horrible memories being used to build the spite fire that fuels that book. It is a passion project, and a Fuck you to Matt, for telling me I was worthless and causing the school to think the childhood depression I fell into, was saying I wasn't mentally ready to go onto the second grade. It's the anger I felt later in life when Matt kicked his own daughter, my Aunt K, out of his house when he was dying, because she was a lesbian, (Which is another story that I might tell later), but the two of us spent the day together while the bastard was lying dying.

Hell I lied through my words when I wrote something to be read at his funeral which ended up being on my fourteenth birthday. I wrote what they wanted to hear, and refused to go to the funeral and the wake. Even though my mother and Ma wanted me there.

Only time I will go to where his ashes are scattered, will be when I have the ashes of that book, published, and in my hand. I will make sure that I can make a pit stop in the book tour being that town, just so I can go back into the woods and scatter the ashes of the book with him, screaming at the top of my lungs "Fuck you asshole, you fueled this, and spite has made me into something!"

So yeah, that file, I want to be the best work I can actually create before I publish it. Something worthy of being a Fuck You to the man that should have encouraged me with kindness instead of encouraging me with spite and anger.

And yes, I realize I should probably go to a therapist for all my childhood trauma, but you know what, I think right now, keeping that anger, at least until the book is done, is actually helping me more than a therapist can.

[somethinglikelife]

We need to teach compassion

((Was written on my WP a while back. but wanted to transfer it over))

Sunday, my little town (okay not so little) was SWATTED, by someone from out of the state. If you don't know what that is, it's where someone calls the cops with a fake dangerous situation that has the local SWAT team sent to deal with it.

This is dangerous on so many levels, ties up the police from real situations, and the other, well gets people killed. This one, also had lost revenue for the local businesses around the fast food place that was the target of the SWAT.

What upsets me on it was that the SWAT that was called in, said that someone was going through a mental health crisis. The police don't exactly have a good record for mental health issues. There was an older man just a few years ago that was living with dementia that in one of his bad days, picked up a knife, wasn't using it as a weapon, just holding it, but he made it outside his home and the police didn't even try to de-escalate, they just fired because he had a knife, killing the man in front of his family.

I have heard other stories about similar situations.

And I shouldn't have looked through the comments about the situation, because people in there were commenting about how dangerous people who are mentally ill are.

I have depression. Only person I have ever harmed was two attempts at taking myself out. These are the same kind of people who say those with body dysmorphia are sick, as well as many people of the alphabet mafia.

Yet these are the same people that will say a cis-woman wanting breast reduction or enhancement is perfectly fine.

And when I did bring it up in a comment of course I was attacked by the person and their friends. And yeah the things that were said almost made me leave that ap, but I actually like the app for use when it comes to yard sale season, and for craft shows.

Though that experience reminded me why I didn't like the idea of hanging out on that app that often. I think I'm going to remember to stay quiet about topics there, because one, it's clear most of the people in my area are Sunday Book Cult members, and yeah, I really you can't quote their own book at them for compassion lessons, because unless you're a member of that cult, you take everything out of context.

Where, I'm pretty sure they take everything out of context, but who am I to talk. ON that note, I just got a call from my boss to see if I wanted to get some more hours at work. I'll have to be up soon so I can go spend time with a Client I haven't met before. I'm thinking just because of the incident on Sunday... I'm upping my whole Pagan look with a long skirt and my cute purple jacket. I need the fun. I think I'm also taking a book with me to keep me awake.

[somethinglikelife]

Bottled up

Bottled up

What good are dreams if they never last? What good is the prince after the story ends? So many questions rolling inside

Anger that stays bottled up Until I break

I strike out at those around me I don't think

The stress is getting to me Bottled up until it snaps Hurting all I care about Making me cry

I blame it all on you Not letting me breathe Telling me I'm beautiful Not seeing inside

I was locked in a prison Of depression

Now I stay inside Wanting to bust out Knowing when I do I'll have nothing to hide

Pain Of knowing I'm afraid Afraid of what they think Knowing if they new the truth Afraid of being all alone

I wanna run Anywhere but here

You stole my soul with your anger Leaving this cold shell A weak version with nothing left

The anger inside takes up the rest

Until I snap I must break away Release the emotions boiling in me Leavind me left with only sorrow and doubt wishing the coward's death But knowing I'm no wimp

I need to snap

You blamed your problems on me Why don't you look in the mirror I stand back wondering how A man could be so immature To want to keep a person for himself Keeping her in a cage

Anger bottled up waiting to explode Frustration the fuse waiting to let loose Fear the switch Not wanting to do more harm

(Pretty sure when I wrote and posted this on DA I was in one of my moods where I was blasting Linkin Park 24/7 which means I was either royally pissed or in one of my depression downs. Or both, because a lot of times it's the same emotion for me._

[somethinglikelife]

Dreams of Romantic fools

Dreams of romantic fools

((Written June 1999))

The dreams of Romantic fools

He dreams of finding one One that will fill his wild desires Do all that he pleases just for the sake of him.

She dreams of finding love One that will fill her deepest needs Protecting her from harm         Both real and imagined

Together they await the moment right Apart they are nothing in this quiet night. They shall awaken a flame Filling their souls with light

The hunger of passion fills the souls ready for the feast Each knowing the moment is short         Only a passing glimpse For the fool knows the past is littered         with hopes lost to him Yet he trudges on Wishing they weren't

And the lady knows the age of chivalry is past Yet she stays by the window, ever vigilant Praying for the one to love her

[somethinglikelife]

I'm not broken

I thought I was

For years I thought there was something wrong with me

I didn't care for boys (girls either for that matter)

Was nice when needed

But there was no interest

I'm sorry to the ones I've dated before

Tried marriage twice

Sex just isn't fun

At thirty seven

I found the term to describe what I am.

ACE

I found I wasn't broken

There is nothing wrong with me

My wires aren't badly wired

I'm not being selfish

I'm just not society's version of normal

With this discovery I am now trying to find the real me.

Not the one society wants me to be.

I am enjoying the happily single

And knowing I am not broken.

[somethinglikelife]

Nerves Hi

Yeah, so when I'm writing this it's actually Monday morning, while waiting for the bus.  First day of actual work, kind of.  I have orientation in the house today, and if everything goes well I actually start on Wednesday.  Which means tomorrow I brain poetry, because I have pulled all my poems from DeviantArt.

But yeah I'm nervous about this.  Only have two consumers from what I saw on the system Friday.  But I really don't want to fuck this up.  I'm going a month with one day a week while looking for something remote, I know companies are trying to filter out remote because they say it's not productive, but we still have a pandemic going on and some of us can't afford to get a car to get out of this hellscape yet.  So something remote so I can actually earn some money to make this blog better do some travelling and move to a more job rich area would be great.  I mean hell.  Downtown on main street here in town is a sex shop!  That doesn't scream the kind of place I really want to spend the rest of my life in (It's not even a good one mind you, I can get better toys at Spencer's if that tells you anything).

But anyway!  The job I'm trying not to fuck up is helping people, actually helping and not just pretending to. And yeah that's as far as I feel I can safely talk about it without breaking HIPAA.

So really all my nerves are just because I am an insecure, low self esteem, GenXer who has been battle trained since she was 19 to expect the worst. I know it's something I have to break. Once I actually have a job that can pay for it I will be seeing a therapist again.

Oh here's the bus. I'll make an afternoon update.

And this is after my shift. The place I'm working at has two chill clients. It will be fun, just waiting to see if I am going to stay there a bit. Hoping so because really the pay's good. Which means might not need another job.

[somethinglikelife]

Cold Weather Blues

This was done in a writing group I was in, we were supposed to write a really bad poem,... I don't remember if this placed or not

Cold weather Blues

Winter sucks Winter just doesn't seem right, Unless there is a lot of white Something about the cold here Reminds me why I left Alaska And it's fond chill Then it all comes to me, Reasons that I don't miss The sixty below minus The blast windchill of course Ice fog as thick as soup And why God why I'm standing here Freezing my rear off today Asking myself why oh why Didn't I stay in bed, Instead of trudging out To brave the snow for a Cup of coffee, oh dear Much to my dismay darn... I backed into what I thought was the berm Due to the fog, And the red tail lights I see that I am mistaken... It seems I have backed into the house Yes, winter does indeed suck

[somethinglikelife]

What can stress out a person?

Well if it's me? Having zoom meetings all day Monday, Tuesday all day in classes for CPR and giving medications... So yeah, little stressed out this week. Doesn't help that one of the cats... has to be locked up in my room because he won't play nice with the other cat, (Something that the roommate didn't think about when she got him, but I refuse to let her take him to a shelter because damn it I may have fallen in love with the ass) so I'm hoping that he'll behave today during all these meetings.

Yes, I'm writing out today's post on Monday while I'm waiting for Tuesday because I won't have ANY time Tuesday. I'll have to leave the house by 6 am and I'll be lucky if I get home by 8pm. Though this job will at least get me some stuff done. Though I'm still going to have to actually get a secondary job (I am looking for something 100% online) . If I get the online job and it's actually decent, I'll have time to work on tutorials for witchy stuff.

Of course all my witchy stuff won't be full spells, because I am still of the school that there are things that should be hidden. Though I am really tempted to show how I do my hidden altar. It actually stays in my journal, and when I'm stressed out, it moves from my witchy one to my work journal.

Here goes surviving this week. Everyone, wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.

[somethinglikelife]

Untitled

In all this silence water falls milky death Wondering around So many questions unanswered Like whispering clouds

In all this blackness Ilumination Blood red wine candles burning

Time moving backward icy cold melting away by the burning sun

I don't know where I am in the middle of all this white So many questions In all this silence Enlightenment

(This is another one pulled from my Deviant art account.)

[somethinglikelife]

So That is happening

I start a new job next week. I will have time for this still as well though YAY, actually I have an hour ride on the bus to get to work, so I'll probably be bringing my laptop with me to work to work on things on the way there and back. At least until I get a new car.

What's the job? I'll be working in a group home as an aide. It's not a warehouse job at least, I can't do those anymore. Walking on concrete all day is actually painful.

Though right now I'm looking at what I want this blog to become and trying to figure out how I can get everything done. With the job, I might have to get another one (I am looking into doing something from home) so that I can have the money to get the equipment I need in order to film the tutorials I want to do for all of you. Right now the only two cameras I have happen to be the one on my laptop and my cellphone. I can do more with the cellphone, but I want to get a decent camera anyway, because if I'm going to do some travel videos, I want something that I can use to film for more than a few hours.

I am also still debating if I want to use twitch or youtube to live stream. Using either, I'm going to have to figure out what software I am going to use. So yeah, I'm in one of those moods where I'm overwhelming myself. I'm thinking it's because I have gotten so little sleep the last few days. We have a new cat, and he loves to keep me up. Which is why I'm not going to ramble too much on this. He's napping so I think I'm going to try to get some, then get some things done around the house after it. Makes more sense to do it in that order than to go make more coffee.

[somethinglikelife]

Questions

You heard me screaming I knew you were there The look on your face The sorrow we both share I thought I was strong They thought was damn wrong Pain took over me Consuming my soul Reaching out for you Our hands almost met That night I lost The family I had left In one quick moment It was over My Life My reason to live Without even the words goodbye You didn't help me Yet you healed me I should hate you now I question myself why the fuck not. This was another one that I wrote a while back. You can find it on my Deviant Art Slowly moving all my writing onto this blog before I remove it from DA so I can just keep my arts there.

[somethinglikelife]

I was useful once

(originally written in 1997 for an English class, we had to Personify an inanimate weapon, and I felt this was fitting. Give me a guess on what you think it is. (Also posted on my Deviant Art account)) I was useful once I was useful once Useful to many who had me Now I am cast away like a child's plaything Never to taste the sweet bliss of warriors' blood upon my lips I was useful once I was useful once Used to protect my master's name A blade, a sword, carried to protect the name of my master's people A Noble's true arm! Now a symbol of war But I was useful once Now I lie in some attic Growing only dust and rust Underneath, master's people talk of wars Wars with no meaning, not meetings with the enemy for the whens and wheres of battle The battlefield as I called home, where bravery, skill and cowardice were shown Is now buildings, hundreds of leagues apart there switches are the warriors and the kings are cowards Gone are the days I was needed My tales, unlearned, my way of life unheeded Gone are the knights and gilded horses Replaced my 'tanks' and human automatons Gone is peace Gone are the days of the brave Here is the time of false heroes But I was useful once

[somethinglikelife]

Well if it's me? Having zoom meetings all day Monday, Tuesday all day in classes for CPR and giving medications... So yeah, little stressed out this week. Doesn't help that one of the cats... has to be locked up in my room because he won't play nice with the other cat, (Something that the roommate didn't think about when she got him, but I refuse to let her take him to a shelter because damn it I may have fallen in love with the ass) so I'm hoping that he'll behave today during all these meetings. Yes, I'm writing out today's post on Monday while I'm waiting for Tuesday because I won't have ANY time Tuesday. I'll have to leave the house by 6 am and I'll be lucky if I get home by 8pm. Though this job will at least get me some stuff done. Though I'm still going to have to actually get a secondary job (I am looking for something 100% online) . If I get the online job and it's actually decent, I'll have time to work on tutorials for witchy stuff. Of course all my witchy stuff won't be full spells, because I am still of the school that there are things that should be hidden. Though I am really tempted to show how I do my hidden altar. It actually stays in my journal, and when I'm stressed out, it moves from my witchy one to my work journal. Here goes surviving this week. Everyone, wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.

[somethinglikelife]

Okay Sunday was the premier of Last of Us on HBO, I'm not going to spoil it. At least I'm going to try not to. I played the game and loved it. But really so many of my favorite games are now shows or movies, and they haven't been done any justice. So I'm hesitant on this one, waiting a few episodes to decide if it's yay or nay.

And don't worry I'm not going to turn into a review blog. Just thought that I would show a little inner geek. I am a sucker for certain game franchises and stand alone games, like Resident Evil, Last of Us, Uncharted, Bioshock, Final Fantasy, Silent Hill.... I know two of those aren't in the creepy factor (I need my unwind games okay!)

And yeah I like silly games like Chainsaw Lollipop and Little Big Planet as well, I mean really, one has a cheerleader who kills zombies with a chainsaw, the other has a small doll that you explore the world with. Both are completely different sides of the chaotic wheel.

Why I'm saying all this? Well my first game really was a DnD game. A littel world created by Margaret Wiess, Tracy Hickman and a few other brilliant people. I played DragonLance with it's awesome Kender, Wild Elves that were pretty much fairytail elves living in the woods, while higher elves had their cities. And well, Wizards of the Coast is eating crow at the moment, or is it Hasbro is? I mean really all because they weren't making as much money as they could off Dungeons and Dragons. I watched a lot of the story unfold on TikTok, because really, watching fellow geeks and nerds meltdown and give a call to action is fun.

The call to action? Well ending the subscription to DnD. I am pretty sure that's about when WotC and Hasbro went "oops we fucked up". Ya think? I mean you couldn't get that idea from the out cries from say.... how they butchered other 80's fan favorites.... (Yes Michael Bay I am glaring at you for the mess that you made of Transformers).

Though you would think that some would, ya know, learn the fanbase. I mean really, most of the games that I was in, we plotted to take out an evil entity, worked with complete strangers and well, if the DM lost the plot or control of the game, created chaos for the enemy. Which is why I have a level thirteen Wild Elven Ranger, who is dual classed as a thief and is picking up more Bard skills than I though she should ever have a right to. Though ya know when the party needs a distraction, she's willing to be said distraction, being quicker on her feet than our thief most of the time, and cursed with a high charisma (No I did not say it wrong).

Will I still play her? Hell yeah, will I play her in a WotC game? Not for a while. The whole ordeal, has left an angry bitter taste, and well, I do have her already slotted for round robin type games and I am planning on rerolling her stats once I find a replacement game system I like for her. I like my high fantasy, and hell at this point I'm half tempted to just slot her as a character in one of my writing projects. That way I can still play with Taleenya Greenleaf, without having to deal with all the ick.

She may have started from a one shot in a game based in Dragonlance (One of my favorite book series as well mind you. I still love my high fantasy), but that is the beauty of gaming with original characters, they can move, evolve and become something else. Will I ever try her in a space based game? Maybe if I find one that seems interesting enough. But for now, I'm okay with looking at her in my gaming binder, where she'll stay for just a bit until I feel that I can game again.

And where and what that game will look like? Is probably going to be a great adventure. Because really, isn't that what all us gamers really want? Just an adventure that lets us have a hobby that doesn't have to cost thousands of dollars and need specialized equipment? I mean really, the dice we use, have been used for centuries. And I have seen many people make their own, hell there's some I really want to buy myself. I really doubt we need to stick to 'official' materials.

After all DMs are story tellers, the monsters we can create as one, can be far more entertaining than what's in a book. Yeah it would take us a little more creativity, but isn't that why we picked up DnD to begin with? I know I for one picked it up to work on my story telling. It's why I've kept all my characters, Tal, Reiko, Maric and his brother Devon, even have a shape shifting fox, and a techy that all started out from table top games. I almost want to get the books for my techy's start and replay that for nostalgia's sake, I mean really had giant robots, aliens, different planets. She'd finally get her Cyclone.

And yeah I know finding the modules will be a chore, but I kinda lost a lot of my gaming stuff leaving Georgia. Though getting new modules, or even coming up and testing out a new system myself might be fun.... I already have so much on my plate though!!! Including a mad desire to introduce tabletop gaming in a very basic form to elderly in a home. Mostly because it would allow them to get in touch with a creative side I know for a fact most activities don't touch. And yeah that's something that I will be looking into trying to write a storyline for at some point. I almost want to try it at the very Sunday Book Club based home near me. I know that the faculty there would have a hissy fit because it's "devils' work", you know how many youth group pastors I follow on TikTok that play out games with their kids as a way of getting them involved with the material that the pastor of the church is teaching? Far more than I thought ever would be. And I for one totally love it. May those youth group leaders keep teaching those kids how to think outside the box!

[somethinglikelife]

I'm thinking of closing my DA account, since I haven't used in forever, I loved it while I had it, but really I just don't hop on there as much as I did before. So, there may be poetry I wrote for there coming to this blog. Though I will admit I'm not a poet. I write stories more, those are on their way honest.

As well as some witchy stuff and with luck an update on a job, which I've been looking for a month. I have a health issue that according to the one doctor I could afford (the joys of not having health insurance in America because you can't afford it), it was all because of my anemia. I can't stand on my feet for more than 4 hours, seriously I do and I'm nearly crying on the bad days. Add in that I don't have a car, so most of getting to work is walking to the bus (the last job that I worked in it was actually easier to walk to work which was an hour walk compared to a 2 hour bus ride) so yeah, I lost the job (it wasn't really paying that great, 12 bucks an hour for if I was lucky 36 hours every pay period which was every 2 weeks) because I physically couldn't handle the commute.

So looking for something remote, you might be seeing google links here as soon as I figure out how to do that part of it. Is it really so bad to want to be able to afford a place to live, food to eat, and being able to have enough energy and time to do things that you need to do away from work. Writing for me is a form of self care, and considering I'm dealing with depression (another thing that the doctor I saw said was because of my anemia), being able to pull away and mentally put myself somewhere else... Let me have that thanks.

And this brings me back around to the other projects I'm working on. The podcast is going to be dark for a reason. It's me working through issues because I can't find a local therapist I want to talk through them with. Hell with the state of the US currently, I'd be surprised if some of the themes only tend to hit me hard and not others. This is something that I'm hoping to have started by next week. Roomie will be out of town all weekend so I figured that would be a good time to do the recording for it and get that page whipped into shape. If I get a WFH job, I will probably end up working more on that so that I can do monthly episodes to start, until I feel more comfortable with the story telling.

All of this is a one girl operation so yeah, fingers in too many pots, but at this point I'm doing the best I can. Also hoping that I can start getting the posting on this at regular intervals.

[somethinglikelife]

So, okay it's three days into the New Year and have I made resolutions?

Nope.

Am I going to?

Probably not, and want to know why?

Because with how my brain works, I get sidetracked too quickly. Seriously you're lucky that you're getting a post a week from me right now. I tend to give up after a while because things aren't going my way, or I just can't focus on it.

Though I am working on that. I just know that it's going to take longer than a year to deal with. Yay for childhood trauma that has caused low self esteem and other mental issues! Which considering I was a latchkey kid growing up in the 80s and 90's in America... Probably is saying a lot. Saying more when I'm admitting that I have the issues, I know us GenXers have a bit of a problem dealing with THAT part of our lives.

So yeah, today, I'm dealing with it in the only way I learned how. And no, I'm not going to have a long sad post here about it just yet. Though, that is being formulated. But how I learned to deal with my trauma and issues was to write. Ever since I was about six. The librarian at school actually complained when I wouldn't leave the little kid books in the grade school library (they were my safe space okay? Picture books to some degree still are my safe space, only now it's Manga and not Dr Suess.

Why did I need a safe space? I was the only girl in a neighborhood of boys, I was the oldest of two, and I knew before my parents that something was wrong with their marriage when they argued with each other and it turned into yelling. Probably figured it out too that Mom was sleeping around since really there's no way someone who was a bus driver would be coming home at 11 pm on school nights. I know that my school district wasn't THAT big. She had a secondary job at a small local sewing machine shop, that she would tell us she was working, though a few times I called to ask if she could bring something home, her boss (who was like another grandfather to my little brother and I) would say she wasn't working that day.

So yeah, when I got stressed I'd hide in books. Little kid books didn't have emotional violence that I was dealing with everyday, though in some cases the physical was worse. Neighborhood of boys, I was the smallest of us so yeah, I was picked on a lot, though they learned the hard way that I do have a breaking point.

You know that along with the fact that I could swing a 50lbs splitting maul one handed when I weighed about 100lbs... might be why some of the local bullies that won't ever leave the town that raised me, are scared to pick on my brother. They're not scared of the 6'2" science geek who looks like a linebacker, no they're scared of the 5'6" older sister.

You know I'm not even mad about it. I have always been protective of the geek and probably will continue to be so.

Am I that violent little kid anymore? No. The path I follow for my practice is more pacifist (though I still have war deities offering to work with me, go figure). I can still take someone down if needed, but I'd rather walk away before starting a fight for the most part. It's been about eighteen years since I have been in a fight, ended that one breaking my attacker's nose then leaving. I'm in no hurry to get into another one.

Though, you couldn't tell from the fresh scars on my arms. Though that's all because the roommate got a new cat, and he's still trying to learn 'play nice'. I'm glad my self esteem makes it so that I don't have the confidence to be a model, or I'd be sending the photographers into a fit with how much photoshopping they'd have to do.

And yeah, I lost the plot of this post. Yay for the brain that's wired wrong (Something that I have said about my quirks since I was a kid, and now I'm finding out that I may have been on the spectrum, but of course, they didn't test for that when I was a kid. Or if they did it was rarely and leaned more to a 'boy's' illness.

Which probably was why I hid in books. And had to be prodded to things other than little kid books. I'm pretty sure I should have slowed down a bit though because I was reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz before I was ten.

I was writing stories at six though. Dabbling in Fanfiction, which I still do, I've met so many friends in the fandoms that I play in (sorry Dad!). Dad said that I was wasting my time with them, though I'm a firm believer of the school that your passions should give you more than just a monetary value. If you're going to put your heart and soul into something, you should be able to share it with everyone, not just the people who can afford it.

Writing, is that, my passion, it's also my therapy. I write to fix my mood. I have some stories that I will never post anywhere because the dark material in them, isn't what I want the world to see of me. And that's something that will never change. I might slip the lighter material from those into other writing, but on a whole, nope.

And do I have a point to this post?

Not really. Or if it is.. Guess I'm starting the new year in a fog. let's see if I can clear it up any.

To my readers, hope you have a good new year. Things can't be as bad as the last few years right?