sometimes-emily

[sometimes-emily]

Paintings by Adam Burke

[sometimes-emily]

Why...

The fuck am I awake at 2:25 in the morning?

It's been three hours since my happy ass climbed into bed, yet here I am, wide awake, not a single 'z' to be found.

And, of course, I started thinking about my mom.

This past March was the two year anniversary of her death and I still have moments where I want to talk to her or hug her.

I'll see someone that looks her; I'll see something that I think she would have liked; I'll hear someone that sounds like her; I'll watch a show that makes me think, "was her life back in Japan like that?".

So. Yeah. That's where my brain is right now.

It's a mighty rude brain.

[sometimes-emily]

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

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(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

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Israel: 09-8892333

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Japan: 3-5286-9090

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Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

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New Guinea: 675-326-0011

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Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)

[sometimes-emily]

Checking In!

Wow, so. It's been a while!

Unsurprisingly, I failed my NaNoWriMo personal challenge. I'm not particularly upset by this. It's a thing. I am painfully aware of the need to improve and do better, though, and that failure is just another reminder of that need.

Part of that failure is due to my inability to figure out a way to write, anything, when I don't have "the muse" available to get the juices flowing. I believe depression is partly to blame. And quite possibly one of my medications that is dulling the anxiety but also dulling my already weak ambitions.

Perhaps a topic to bring up with my behavioral therapist.

But I digress.

Since then I have gone through my entire regimen of physical therapy as prescribed by my doctor and been discharged to take the exercises I learned there and continue them on my own until such time as I and my doctor feel I need land-based therapy. Which may be never. We'll see what happens.

Since being discharged from physical therapy I have also developed new, non-joint related pains that my doctor is now trying to treat with a different pain killer (replacing ibuprofen) on top of the one I was originally prescribed for general musculoskeletal pain before my hypermobility spectrum disorder (HSD) diagnosis (this is also the medication I spoke about earlier that has dulled my anxiety as well as my weak ambitions).

This new pain has also increased my fatigue quite a bit. So there is yet another new medication (that my pharmacy is still preparing so I haven't been able to start it) in the form of a muscle relaxer. This one in particular has me concerned since I do have a hypermobility condition. Won't a muscle relaxer on top of hypermobility make my joints sublux or dislocate more?? We shall see. It may be one of those situations where the counterintuitive option is the perfect solution.

[sometimes-emily]

NaNoWriMo

National Novel Writing Month.

I've always loved the *idea* of participating, but have always been too down on myself to jump in.

I'm technically six days late for this year, but I've just decided I'm going to go ahead and participate in my own way and just keep it going for a week into December to make up the time I've missed.

Obviously it won't be "official", bit that's not so big a deal. This isn't for any sort of award, it's for my own edification.

I need to prove to myself that I can finish something I've started, regardless of if it follows the crowd, or if it follows someone else's standards.

It's actually more appealing when you don't, at least for me.

So, I'm going to spend the rest of tonight deciding on my project and tomorrow, I write!

Wish me luck!

[sometimes-emily]

Emotional Times

I just need to put this out there.

I've been incredibly emotional this last week or so, and I'm pretty sure it's to do with my health, specifically a diagnosis I've been telling myself to get for the better part of this whole year.

On October 23rd received a diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Hypermobile type.

This condition explains literally all of the physical pains I've been feeling for years and just didn't realize they were things that you aren't supposed to be dealing with.

I never realized that a person is not supposed to be able to, at any point of any day, use the pain scale that you see in doctors offices and ER rooms.

I never realized that a person is not supposed to have whole-body pain that isn't even remotely effected by over the counter pain medicines.

I never realized that a person is not supposed to cry themselves to sleep due to pain at least once per week.

I never realized any of this because this was my every day for literal decades.

And I'm finally not in all that constant pain.

Don't get me wrong, there is still pain, but it is situational now; when I sleep without using my pillow to support my hips; when I drive for too long without standing and walking [which is an unfortunately short time, to be honest]; when I have too much stuff in my backpack; when I decide I want to be cute and use a purse instead of the backpack I started using because the strain caused by purses is too much for one should to bear; this list goes on and on.

But I finally got my diagnosis. I’ve also helped some of my family that are in this boat with me get the help that they need as well, and that is an amazing feeling.

So, I guess the moral of this story is: Ask questions. Talk about the way your body feels with the people around you that you are comfortable with.

I wasn’t quite aware enough of the fact that the pain I dealt with daily was as unusual as it is until I talked with one of my sisters-in-law (who is also overweight) and she looked at me like I was crazy while giving me the “No, I don’t have that problem...” answer that I wasn’t really expecting.

So, yeah. Ask questions, demand answers, do your research (but do be careful; the internet has more drivel than useful information if you don’t know how to weed it out).

[sometimes-emily]

Bad Day

Today is just an all-around bad day.

I think I used more spoons than I had available to me yesterday and it’s definitely taking a toll on me today.

It took me 45 minutes to convince myself to get out of bed after my alarm went off. By the time I walked from my bed to the bathroom, did my business and got to the sink to wash my hands I was done.

There was no more energy for anything more than simple tasks.

I was able to prep my coffee and feed the cats, but by the time that was all done I had to sit for another hour before I was able to actually pour myself a cup of coffee.

This is definitely one of those days where, when I was working, I would spend the better half of the day crying to myself and cuddling my daycare dogs.

[sometimes-emily]

What’s everybody’s favourite way to celebrate the month of Halloween? By being scared of course! But what are you scared of?

This is a month long challenge to discover your fears. Once you know what you’re facing, overcoming them becomes a lot easier. You can pull one card or multiple for each day, some days might need more than one. Tarot or oracle cards, or both, whatever. I’m not really one for hard rules do what you want. These are deeply personal questions, so don’t worry about having to post your answers.

Starts October 1st! Find what you’re afraid of.

[sometimes-emily]

by Margaret Morales

[sometimes-emily]

This happens to me to often

[sometimes-emily]

Attributes for September 19, 2018 are wisdom and love

I also keep forgetting to say that these are from the Vintage Wisdom Oracle by Victoria Moseley.

[sometimes-emily]

Aspects to Follow September 18, 2018

"Guardian Angel indicates your need for reassurance, direction or protection.

"Listen carefully as our angels often communicate in unexpected ways."

I personally don't believe in angels, let alone guardian angels, but I am certainly in need of reassurance and direction 😂

[sometimes-emily]

One Step Closer...

Just got my appointment scheduled for October to see the geneticist!

This is the appointment I was waiting on!

It sucks that is literally two months away, but I knew it would be a while.

I've heard stories of some people having to wait up to six months for their appointment, so I guess this is good.

(Also, this is the same wait time for almost every doctor's visit I've had since I became an adult; this is no excuse to be against single-payer healthcare.)

As usual, I'll keep you all posted!

[sometimes-emily]

New Things

About a month and a half ago I saw my doctor and she gave me a new pain prescription as well as a new allergy medicine.

I went back for a check up to make sure the pain meds were doing what they should have and decided to ask about some odd things I had noticed since I started taking them.

The generic name of the medication is duloxetine - name brand is Cymbalta - and it's been treating me well.

When I was originally given the script she didn't mention that it is a mild blood thinner and thus would mildly change my period. So, when my period came after starting the duloxetine I was highly concerned because there were a few changes in my flow. Which apparently is normal.

So, I have that to look forward to from now on.

Neither good nor bad, just a thing that is.

When I was there when she gave me those new scripts she also put in a referral to a genetics clinic to see about another health issue I think I have.

I was supposed to get a phone call from that clinic within a week and I never got that call.

I asked her about it at this check up and she saw that my referral was sent to geriatrics not genetics.

Oops!

So she had one of her nurses resend the referral to make sure it got to the correct clinic.

I'm still waiting on that call, but it should come before the end of this week.

So, that will hopefully be scheduled soon.

And, not pain related but somewhat health related: the hubby and I are going on a small vacation with some friends this weekend! This will be our first vacation in nearly a decade!

We'll be going to Colorado! This will be my first ever time going and I'm beyond excited.

I may not come home. We'll see.

[sometimes-emily]

Finally, relief

Had my first doctors appointment in literally a year and I just need to say that I appreciate my doctor so much!

While she may not agree with my opinion of my symptoms, she understands that I am in my body 24/7 and that I know when things are off.

She has given me the referral that I asked for and has prescribed me two medications that will help the issues I laid out for her even though neither issue had concrete signs when she saw me today.

I'm finally making strides in my pain management, and I can't even begin to explain how amazing this feels!

I can't get my new medications until tomorrow, but what's one more day considering that I've been soldiering through some of these pains for literal years?

I can handle one more day.

I know there's still a battle ahead of me, but I can handle that, too.

Honestly, right now, I'm okay with managing symptoms and not finding the root immediately.

So long as the management options actually manage the symptoms.

[sometimes-emily]

Unlock yourself tarot spread: the keys to self discovery.