sometimesireallydontknow

[sometimesireallydontknow]

When i look at you, i only see the pain you went through. When i ask myself how im still alive, i look at the library i accumulated, and i lose myself in the pages I've read. 21 years, and the only reason im still alive is because they're always something new to read.

[sometimesireallydontknow]

A Girl

Im 7 years old!

I love going to the pool on weekends, im wearing my favorite bathing suit and riding my bike to the pool! But then i hear a whistle... and my neighbor calls me pretty... and he says i should come over and let him look at me better...

Im 13 years old,

and im in a hoodie and sweatpants im with my friends in montreal, and these guys whistle and groan at us... calling us baby and hot stuff... i walk a little faster.

Im 15 years old,

Im wearing a crop top and shorts, one of my classmates sees me at the park and whistles at me, yells out that i should come over to his house and showing whats under the clothes that im wearing. Hes 18 years old.

Im 16 years old,

I ask my dad his opinion on an assault case that happened near our house, he asks " was she in an alley way? She should know thats not safe." " What was she wearing?". I dont think i can trust my father anymore.

Im 18 years old,

I booked a hotel with some friends for new years, im in a little dress ready to go clubbing, and my friend forgot her keys in the hotel so she goes back in, a group of 6 guys follow her in.

We get back to the hotel at 4 am, and there's a knock on our door, my friend is drunk and answers, its a man asking if were alone, i handle it and see theres 5 guys waiting around the corner, i lie and say my cousin is here, i lock the door and put a chair in front of it.

Im 20 years old,

Im laying in my bed and i watch the news, a felon is elected in America, im scared for my friends and family, one of my friends made a bet hed win, ive never felt more scared. Im in Canada so i should be safe, but why do i feel like its not over yet?

Im just a girl, we were just little girls, when does life stop being so unfair?

[sometimesireallydontknow]

DAY 1

I Look up at the ceiling, can't see much yet but my mom is smiling down at me for the first time.

Year 1

I look up at the ceiling and smile, its my mom again and she's so happy its blinding me.

Year 2

I look up at the ceiling and its a little quiet right now but my mom is there and she's singing to me and ao i smile again and im so happy im shinning.

Year 3

I look up at the ceiling and my Dad is there, he looks a little tired and someones crying but i dont think its mom, I smile at him and i think he smiles back

Year 4

I look up at the ceiling and theres someone new, Dad says he's my little brother, I look and I smile , he looks just like Mom, maybe he's the one who was crying? MY Little brother.

Year 5

I look up at the sky and Laugh, im twirling in my favorite dress and my little brother is laughing with me.

Year 6

I Look up at the ceiling and wonder why theres so much yelling lately, im not scared, its just that Dad is speaking a little louder and Mom a little Quietly.

Year 7

I look up at the ceiling, my brother is in my arms and i sing him to sleep, he doesnt need to hear the yelling, its not that serious, and im not crying.

Year 8

I look up at the ceiling and im scared, im crying but my baby brother is asleep and i cant wake him, so i hum my favorite song and i wish the bruises go away a bit faster this time.

Year 9

I look up at the ceiling and i wonder what it would be like to be in another family, if it would be better if i could just leave.

Year 10

I look up at the ceiling and i paint a smile on, my Dad says im useless, my mom says im overweight so i stop eating a bit, but its okay because my brother says im the brightest star in the sky.

Year 11

I look up at the ceiling and fix the crack in my smile, I love my dad, its not his fault that i failed, its okay cause i deserved it, (not really) Atleast my brother is happy.

Year 12

I look up at the ceiling and wonder why im still here.

Year 13

I look up at the ceiling and maybe i wont live past 20. But my brother is still here and maybe i cant help but cry.

Year 14

I look up at the ceiling and the year goes in a blur of fake smiles and hopeless dreams.

Year 15

I look up at the ceiling, 15 years is a long time.

Year 16

I look up at the ceiling and i had a panic attack at school, i told them what happens at home, My brother HATES me now, i cry a bit harder tonight.

They call home, im scared, my brother says i screwed up cause theyll take him and me and we wont see mom again. ( she whispers in his ears).

It doesnt help, sometimes it makes my life just a bit harder if i tell.

Year 17

I look up at the ceiling and i cry, im a failure, im useless and sometimes i wish i stopped at 13, 15, 17.

Year 18

I look up at the ceiling and wow. Im paying rent now, its a bit different now,he's become a little more irrelevant to me, (she didn't help me), im scared, its hard and i can't focus.

Year 19

I look up at the ceiling, and ive been working with kids for a year, How could someone hurt something so small? So precious? So innocent? (Did i do something wrong? Was i not enough?)

I love my job,

Sometimes i forget that my brother grew up in the same house.

Year 20

I look up at the ceiling, im 20 years old. My brother is 18 years old, i said sorry to him last week, he forgave me, he apologized and i forgave him too. We can't help it, the anger is so deep inside that its hard to keep it away sometimes. Im still angry and bitter, but im 20 i can work on it. He's 57 and he'll never change, 20 years , my whole life and i cant remember that first smile my mother ever gave me.

She's still here but she was never really there, My brother is all i have and sometimes i really wish she wouldn't have stayed even if we werent't born. ( im happy now, im still stuck at home but now my brother stands tall on his own and so do i, it takes time and i still have a long way to go.) Im 20 and i have all my life left, he's 57 andhes's gonna be angry and bitter the rest of his.