somewhatmadsock

[somewhatmadsock]

The room is filled with static electricity. Sparks of excitement fly of. All you want to do is cry.

[somewhatmadsock]

Some people desperately try to fill the hole. They don't realize the empty feeling is loneliness. This can't be cured by eating until your stomach hurts or buying things you don't need. Loneliness is insatiable. All you need is a little love.

[somewhatmadsock]

You only realise what true loneliness feels like when you are together with your best friends, talking to them, having 'fun' - and still manage to feel like you are all alone.

[somewhatmadsock]

I distance myself from everyone and still wonder why I feel lonely.

[somewhatmadsock]

Wide eyed child

Sleep is a crucial thing in life. It gives us strength to start our day. If you don't get enough sleep, this will badly influence your day to day life.

I've always had a weird relationship with sleep; Naps make me sick and slithly - or really badly - depressed and I've a mental malfunction that doesn't allow me to ever admit that I'm tired.

And believe me, I am tired. All day long I feel like a juice box slowly being drained. Then when night falls, I am able to come outside and suck human blood. Just kidding. I become a wolf.

Maybe I don't actually become a wolf, but my engery level rises like crazy and I become more of a mad dog than a human being. My inner rapper comes out with streams of words that no one understands. My rants are followed by a dance prompt. Luckily after my afwul moonwalk attempts, I calm down. I watch some more TV and go to bed. (I know my story is quite boring up 'til now but bare with me.) During school nights I hardly get 6 hours off sleep, so it never takes longer then half an hour to fall asleep. Same thing on the weekends as I need to regain my strengths to battle another week. During vacations, horror awaits. Some monsters stay terrifying, even tough you face them every day.

There I lie. In my bed. My window 2 inches open, curtains closed, eyes closed and a blanket that fits in with the current temperature. Everything is calm and quiet. Yet my insides are burning. Don' t mistake me. Like I said - but won't ever admit out loud -, I'm tired all the time. But I can't sleep. My thoughts start racing. I stop myself and remind myself to try. So I do. But nothing. A little light on the other side of the rooms bugs me. I turn it off and go back to bed. This must have been the reason I can't sleep. Minutes go by and my mind starts to take control. I prepare conversations with people I don't know or exist. I plan outfits Elton John would be proud of. Then I reconsider my ruddiculous clothing combinations by imagining what other people might think. I start making lists about what I hate about those people. This evolves in me hating those people, then me hating myself for doing so and lastly I have a talk with my made up therapist that conveniently always lurks around in my brain.

It has now been 45 minutes since I've gone to bed. I start swearing. And try to go to sleep once more. My mind takes over again. Ideas pop in my mind and I start writing them down. I try to sleep once again. To no avail. A fly annoys me. Everyhings to have ever existed starts to annoy me. Even my own existence. Now it's been over an hour and a half. Tears fall down my cheeks as I am jealous of every soul that falls asleep within a reasonable amount of time. When I'm on a holiday and sleep in the same room as my sister, I'm flabbergasted every single time when she falls asleep only minutes after turning off the light. I would give so much to be able to do that. Could I sell my soul? It's not like I believe I still am worth something after bringing myself down for the past hour.

It has now been two hours. It starts to hurt. And I don't even know what 'it' is. I just know it hurts. Please make it stop. Please let me fall asleep because I can't take this anymore. I am exhausted. Of trying. Of crying. Every fiber of my being wants to sleep. Then finally I begin to drift away to far away lands that welcome me home.

Oh, how I've missed them.

[somewhatmadsock]

Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.

Lewis Carroll