soobinbunnygrl

[soobinbunnygrl]

I'm having a nervous breakdown, idk how else to frame it. I know I'll be fucking fine bc that somehow always is the result. I'm being a a huge fucking sensitive baby rn and it's infuriating me. I don't fucking like feeling so incapable and weak and small, this shit is terrible. I don't know how tf I'm gonna pick myself up rn but I need to soon bc the darkest moments I've had the past few weeks have been far too dark to be considered normal.

[soobinbunnygrl]

4/4

you can see how exhausted, defeated, and resigned I am to the fact that the genuine best option would to just not be fucking alive anymore.

it's fucking bullshit that I can't do it in good conscience bc why the fuck should I care if it'll make people sad that I'm gone when being fucking alive has made me sad since I was 12? I've wanted to kill myself, even in my happiest moments, since I was 12. if IN those happiest moments, you asked me if I could die right then would I, I would say yes everytime. I can remember during my happiest moments asking myself that question. the answer was and remains "yes". I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to exist. I have to just fucking be here til I'm 75 bc my parents hooked up in 1997 and 9 months later I was born???? that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life are you serious???? also bitch with the world we live in, specifically where I live???? I don't wanna see what's about to happen in the states gtfo like we're all going to fucking die anyways either from the police, from getting fucking bombed by a different nation, or from the fuckin concentration camps that they're actively fucking building rn.

[soobinbunnygrl]

3/4

the ideations were ideationing!!!!! so my meds always eventually would numb me out so bad that I would go into an insanely nihilistic mindset and the solution was always offing myself. have not experienced that nihilism to this degree since I went off my meds.

the reason I still am mentally fucked up at the age of 28 is bc I was misdiagnosed when I was 17 and on antipsychotics, or a mood stabilizer, or sometimes both. mood stabilizer in theory might've been fine for me to take, but the fucking antipsychotics????? yea it made me so numb that I went insane every single time and the only solution was to cut myself or kill myself which is why I went to the hospital so many times.

[soobinbunnygrl]

2/4

it's the way that even though I know I am being dramatic, I'm not being dramatic at all in this. bc I'm right, I have no fucking career at the age of 28, I'm single as fuck and would rather die than have someone touch me in a sexual way ever again atm, and I don't even have a place that is even partially mine. I have no fucking control and you can tell the lack of control is causing a mental breakdown lol.

[soobinbunnygrl]

1/4

I don't want these videos saved on my phone but I need to have proof that shit was this bad somewhere.

I have been terrified of being sober during my unemployment bc I get so self destructive with my thoughts and how I think about myself, my worth, my value. I ran out of weed this morning and have no money. I kept spending it bc when I am sad, I spend money and fuck myself over. I had already cried for over an hour consistently at this point, had cried for about an hour earlier in the day off and on as well.

[soobinbunnygrl]

decaying maybe???? idk man life is fuckin weird I'm in limbo and wanna die what is new

[soobinbunnygrl]

my heart feels very heavy... I can't eat unless I'm high... all I've eaten since yesterday morning are 4 ghirardelli squares... when I have flavored drinks they're hard to drink without gagging... I've lost 7 lbs since fucking tuesday. I'm not sleeping a lot or sleeping too much... I have absolutely no motivation and I need it so bad bc I cannot let myself wallow in this but this shit fucking hurts. I wish I hadn't broken up with him, even though logically I fucking know it was the smartest thing to do. it just feels fucking wrong. and I'm losing it bc I'm scared I'm gonna say smth to push him away even more like fuck I don't know what to do.

[soobinbunnygrl]

been losing weight since I broke up with mark... so much has happened that I didn't ever vent about bc living it was so exhausting, trying explain would've been too hard. and even after everything, I still want to be with him. it's so fucking dumb bc I know it probably won't work out even if we do get back together... I just don't think he wants to. and I don't think he wants to admit it. I need to let him go, but my heart is terrified that I made a mistake, when my brain is telling me I did the right thing. I am too empathic, and knowing how depressed and seeing him do the SAME SHIT I did when I was in the lowest lows of my life scares me... I don't want him to feel that way, but my empathy quite literally manifests in me taking on the other person's pain even though IT IS NOT EVEN MY REAL EMOTION BUT I FEEL IT BC I SEE HOW HE IS AND IT GUTS ME DUDE HOLY FUCK. this is a consistent pattern in my life, my friends or loved ones or partners feeling something, and my mind going to the exact place that they're at. I wish we didn't cosplay... essentially being fucking married 3 weeks after we met????? like we dopamine crashed anytime we weren't together bc we were together so fucking often. I just wanna see if we can make a healthy paced relationship work. and if he can learn and grow w me or if he has to do this shit on his own... and I don't even think he's ready to deal w his issues. I was trying so hard every fucking day to help him take care of himself to the point where I don't know how the FUCK he survived his first two weeks in kentucky. I don't know if taylor did what I did. like I have no clue if he's showering, brushing his teeth, if he's eating, abt to get a uti bc he games for so many hours at a time that he won't go to the bathroom, and I know that the mf isn't sleeping bc I woke up at 530am and saw on discord that he's gaming. he had been gaming for like 12 hours at that point. all I wanted was for him to at the very least keep himself alive and hygienic. he's not fucking mine anymore, I have no obligation towards him, nor does he to me. I know he doesn't want to talk to me anymore I can fucking feel it in the way he reacted to me saying I wanted him back and I feel so fucking embarrassed and humiliated bc I BROKE UP W HIMMMMMM LIKE GIRL?????????? all of this being said, I probably shouldn't be with anyone rn. I'm just scared that if I don't try to resolve it now, we won't get back together ever. and it's gonna piss me off bc he's gonna get better and be this wonderful guy and get w a new bitch and marry that new bitch. bc every one of my exes found their forever girl after we broke up. I don't date to date, I'm dating to marry. I don't want to go through this shit again. the process of getting to know someone. falling. I don't want it. I can't bc when they inevitably leave whether it's their choice or mine for them to do so, and find whoever the fuck it is that gives them the motivation to fix their issues, will feel like fucking dogshit for me. I was good enough to have sex with and to get treated like shit, not good enough for them to better themselves though!!!!!!! fuckin love it!!!!!!!!

[soobinbunnygrl]

I really don't want to be here anymore. and I can't tell anybody bc then they'd try to help and at this point I don't want help I just want everything to stop. between my physical health, my mental instability, my relationship that is still happening but I'm ending tomorrow, my job that I will inevitably develop lifelong health issues at if they don't fix the safety issues. like I don't fucking care anymore. I don't. I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat. I don't want to see anyone. I just wanna fade away.

[soobinbunnygrl]

28...

[soobinbunnygrl]

YOU KNOW THAT IM SANCTIFIED BY WHATS BELOW

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO

[soobinbunnygrl]

lots has happened let's recap:

1. I am apparently not bipolar. my therapist decided to tell me that my last appointment after I asked her and she said she thinks I have adhd and ptsd. never even have considered that I had ptsd a single day in my life so that broke my brain to be honest. I realized oh shit I really DO need to unpack my trauma so that makes me wanna die a little bit.

2. I started FINALLY at the battery plant. was scheduled 5 days this last week. I have only been there ONE FULL DAY bc I have been getting sick everytime I'm on the production floor bc of a plethora of reasons, one being I had strep, two being bc of the strep I have so much fluid in my ears that the pressure difference between production floor vs. the rest of the building (we go through air showers bc of contamination and the floor has less than 2% humidity) has been ruining my work life!!!!!! love that!!!!!!!! I almost passed out multiple times every single day I've been there!!!!!! I love it!!!!!!!!!

3. grace has either a) been in psychosis since I talked her down from kmsing ORRRRRRRR she has developed dissociative identity disorder. it's been terrifying because I have no fucking idea if she's ever really there bc the frequency in which her entire demeanor changes everyday. it makes it very hard to figure out what is ACTUALLY fucking happening.

4. I'm off the market????? don't have a bf but might as well. it's happened very quickly and all I know is that he's mine and I'm his but I'm waiting to pull the plug on it being official bc I'm scared as fuck.

5. my mom and I are gonna go see ateez for my bday :) I'm so fucking excited they were the group that made me dive head first into kpop. it's been a long time coming and I can't wait to see them, ESPECIALLY WITH MY MOM WHO IVE BEEN SHOWING THESE SONGS AND VIDEOS AND CHOREOS TO THIS WHOLE TIME :) she's so excited and so am I.

in conclusion, some good things, some bad. all of this being said, if I could die in 30 minutes from now, I probably would. between the ptsd realization and being so unreliable as an employee this past week, I'm so anxious and overwhelmed.

[soobinbunnygrl]

the reason I deleted some of my main social media accounts and deleted all posts/quit posting in general (grid & stories) is bc my opinion on truly any topic under the fucking sun has already been said. no one needs to know how annoyed I am at people online feeling the need to share their thoughts on why I hate the constant sleep token discourse, or what about kole from tokyo sims makes me giggle everytime I see him, or how fucking insane the choreo to "like JENNIE" is. no one fucking cares, AND, and, SOMEONE'S ALREADY SAID THIS SHIT. ABT EVERYTHING I JUST MENTIONED. NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW SHIT ABT ME EITHER. yall don't need to know the pretty sunset I took pics of, or the good ass restaurant I went to w my family, or the concert I went to. like I gave people so much access to me through social media and now giving NOTHING but likes and comments on other's posts actively makes me so happy. I get the urge sometimes but always stop myself. this account is the only exception, but to me it feels different bc I genuinely have 2 followers and they're both the realest mfs alive and online friends like this is my journal bro. also nothing on this account besides it having soobin's name in the handle gives any indication that it's me. idk man I just don't want people I don't like, strangers, past friends, exes to be able to 1) find me at all on socials but if they do, 2) be able to get a single piece of info abt me that they didn't already know abt me. yall don't get the privilege, bye!!!!

[soobinbunnygrl]

[soobinbunnygrl]

too faced cat eyes palette ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ˖ ࣪

[soobinbunnygrl]

an insatiable desire for flesh

[soobinbunnygrl]

Sly 2: Band of Thieves