sophietoxic - Tumblr blog

[sophietoxic]

13/6/2024

I don't get it ,why do i fell so awfull.

I have everything i ever wanted the clothes,the friends,the confidents,the security in school knowing i will pass the year no matter what...but still i fell horible.

Worse than ever ,f#ck i even started c♡!!ing myself.

I just want to be happy for once!

But i don't know how :(

[sophietoxic]

22/05/2024

Just did something with a "friend" he was really transphobic and told an person we were with about how I am trans and how he wouldn't respect my ne name

I felt so fycking awful and left the situation as soon as i could

Now I can't stop but to think about that nobody will ever accept me as Girl/Woman and that I am such a joke

I also thought about suicide that maybe I can do it so that nobody notices that it was suicide, but just me forgetting my meds or something

[sophietoxic]

10/4/2024

normaly i dont do anything for schol because i despise it and it just doesen`t fit into my broken self image. For the last few days however i did quite a lot for school and also fixed my sleep scheduel.

But it´s not like i am feeling any better now ... or maybe i dont wanna fell better beause if i can live a "good" life. Then i don´t reallz have any problems with my gender then i dont need to do anything about being misserable because i am functioning and as society sees it it´s everything that matters.

You may not be happy but you`re functioning so you dont really have problems that need to be adresed even though you are only a inch away from...

the broken sleep scheduele,the terible grades,the eye bags,my mess of a room,my awfull emo makeup they are all just a cry for help ... that nobody hears

I should seek out help but if i am the person that says "I need help" I am to afraid that they say "no you dont" and just be dismisive.

Why does nobody see how innerly broken i am ... or do they just not care

[sophietoxic]

14/3/2024

today was so well chaotic.I woke up and was just so overwellemed from the thought of having to go to school and having to debate in front of class,that i began to cry a litlle bit.

Then in school i actually was kind of happy for whatever reason i wasnt too nervous to go to to people i didnt really know and when the debate came i wanted to do it even though i was nervous but i still didnnt end up doig it cause there wasnt enough time in the period.Later on we had to attend a presentaion about jobs and i realized that my ife isnt magically gonna get better just through being out of school,just through studying.Next i waited for my sister to pick me up while doing so i repeatly thought about speaking to complete strangers that were there with me but i didnt have the courage to do so even though i got better i wasnt afraid to go up to them and not talk what i wouldnt have been able to do a few months or even weeks ago....hopefully i will get to the point where i can speak to strangers and maybe not bring that nervous about it

Then i and one of my sisters went to the hospital to see our grandpa well technically her grandpa(we are not from the same marriage).The visit was akward cause it didnt seem like he wanted us or anyone to visit him and we hadnt much to talk about...

Afterwards we watched GNTM a german model competition i honestly dont like watching it with my familie because they sometimes are so judgmental and just unreasonable mean while talking about the participants

[sophietoxic]

Just noticed that my life isnt gonna get magically better,but that i have to actuallly do stuff,try stuff

Shit,i am having an exsistensial crisis

[sophietoxic]

12/03/2024

god ,we have so much to do for school,preparing an argument that we`ll have to present in front of class,make a movie,learn for a vocabulary test,learn for history test...

just how are you suppost to do this all properly?!?

oh and i have to practice drawing for art class which i will do imeadtly after writing this(i will ad the drawing later)

anyway today i talked to my "best" friend and she pointed out that i basically have no friends except her and a few other people(2-3) and that just really hurt me,because it´s true and i wanna chane it... then we also talked abouut what she would do when i accidently kiled myself by not taking my medicine and she said that she asks her teacher everyday if i am at school(which idk if she just said it to make me fell better or if she just needed something to come up with for a good story.I also pointed out that she asking her teacher everyday if i am at school is kinda wierd and that there is no way she actualy does it but she keept on saying that she does so i dont realy know what to think),and that she woud proablly be told by her that im dead

and one of my sister had a fight with my parents today and my mother wanted me to take a stance but i didnt because i didnt kow what to say and i didnt wanna agree to either of them,so i just quickly went oout of the room because i aready said that i would play somethingwith a friend so it wasnt to bad to just dissaper

btw here is the drawing,i really like how the fae turned out but the body is just awful.

[sophietoxic]

lol i actually wanted to post something yesterday but i was so fricking exhausted that i just fell asleep with my lights still switched on at 10pm.

Omg is this how it fells to live a 'normal' life its so exhausting(i didnt do any school related stuff yesterday where does everyone find so much time for school and living a live?!?) but also so awesome

[sophietoxic]

10/3/2024

this "morning" i tried to learn/get better at inline skating so i just went on a smal track thats made for bicycils and pedestreaons and practiced there for like 1-2 hours(everything hurts (T_T)) I was quite suprissed how many people where there and i was even more surpised from the fact that we all greeted each other lol.

after that i first played a little bit of mario kart 8 with my older sister and then black dessert with a friend of mine(shit game we refunfed it after lik 1.5h)

can i just pls look like my in game character, pls

so now i wll take shower and then play rec room this time we will slaughter the goblin king,I am sure

(and i still have to record something for school, ... i will do it ... later ... at idk 0:00am ...everything is fine we still have 10 days left for .... 20 minutes movie)

we didnt kill the goblin king.We indded didnt kill anything because my Quest headset just looged out uf my meta account for no aperant reason.At this point i thought fine, i am just quickly gonna log in again...well an hour later after numerous failled attemps i gave up because the multiple bacckup codes i need aren´t at my moms place.I came up with a plan ... I would just (i really needed the account for a school project at least i thought that) go to my dads place with 3 hours of public transportation after school and then come back with another 4 hours of public transport. Luckily i noticed that getting the password wasn´t necassery for the school project so now i am not wasting my entire day ,just to get the codes.(i am not sure if still have the codes or not.If not i am gonna cry because my rec room i acount on which i put much effort in and have many memories on would be gone. I dont realy care about the games i bought with the acount cause it werent many and my father would buy me the games again anyway if i asked for it lol) btw i was so stressed from the passwrprd shit that i was realy shity to my mum

sorry :(

(so i wont record the stuff for the school project today because i have no idead what even to record ... however i work on the 3d graphics so thats something)

[sophietoxic]

ther are so many ladybugs in my room ,idk where they are coming from ,but they all die evenetually (T_T)

[sophietoxic]

Introduction

so...

I´m writting this now at 0:25am at staurday the 10th,and the first question i have to answer for whoever this is reading(proably nobody) but more for myself is.

Why...

am i writting this? The answer is as easy as it is boering,because i want to!Now the follow up question to this of course is,why do i want?And that question is a little bit mor complicated ... i want to because it makes me fell better,fell like i acomplish something,because then it doesn`t fell like i am wasting my time(while i should work on a school apointment,while i should sleep)and secondly i write this because i hope that i can understand myself and my fellings better through this diary.

Now i should proably shortly write about who i am...

first of all I am miserable.

secondly I am a 15 years old,grade 8 student who has only a few friends and is really unsure about their gender identity ...what a cliche

i fell like this is a sadly acurate picture of my life...

soo anyways, i curently try to get better(for the last 6 months).you know make more friends(which i fell like is pretty hard, if you dress like a fagot or maybe its just me... proably both...proably me)I also think about moving to my fathers place(i currently live with my mom in a fairly small town), which is in a relative big city.I just think that there is more stuff to do like i could join a poltical youth organization,i could use my chosen name at my new school, (without telling anybodyfrom my family and friends...,who am i kidding they obviously know that i am trans ,like its impossible to deny and still i am to scared to actually say it,because of what they might think,that i am doing it for attention or that i am doing it because i am so misserable and i am not really trans...thats honestly also partly the reason why i try to make more friends and shit because then they can´t think this) ,go to the skating park and practice more.Also he is fricking rich soo i would get more stuff and he offered me to pay me like 15k each year i live with him(which i know proably dosent sound like the healthiest relation but i assure you it totaly is..if we ignore the time i was in kindergarden and he really tried to manipulate and force me to live at his place,and i kind of really hated him,or the the times i ived with him and he hit me but to be fair that was only 2 times but if he gets angry...he is really angry oh and to not forget the one time he tried to guilt trap me to come over for the weekend because he didnt want to go to a concerte with his back then girlfriend and said that all people that listen to rock music specifically ACDC are scum of society)

so that`s for it hope you enjoied reading a little bit about my life

[sophietoxic]

im literally sso fucking lonely and none of th ppl i used to be friends w will even fcking talk to me anymore bc i guess im just too traumatized and fucked up for them to deal with...and everyone who ever gets mad at me can always pull out the "oh u murdered someone!" i was an accomplice to murder which is not the same but go off i guess!!!!! im glad u never had to have smth like that happen to u