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[souls-page]

Page 35

She combed through his hair as he lay on her lap, She couldn’t help but smile at him, there they were under a tree a blanket under them, a picnic basket beside her.

The sun was kind to them the sunbeams that seeped through the leaves of the grass were not hot but rather warm, paired well with the cold wind, they both stayed close to each other, not uttering a word, they stayed, smiles on their faces.

She couldn’t help but chuckle as she watched him, her lover, look so at peace in the silence, under the sun, in her hold.

Her smile grew as she saw him open his eyes to look at her, he always looked at her like that, like she somehow hung the stars, hung the moon, like she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen

With so much adoration and affection “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met” He said to her, it was always easy with him, she never knew how to respond, she hoped that her touches, her hugs, her kisses were enough for him

So after hearing that, what else could she do but hold his face and kiss him, she connected their foreheads together their gazes lingering before he leaned up to kiss her again

“I love you” he says smoothly, after seven years of being together everything was easier, and to him somehow loving her was as easy as it was breathing, and what kind of lover would she be if she didn’t kiss him again, his hand coming up to hold her face, both of their eyes closed

“I love you too” she whispers after they break apart, faces still close, she opens her eyes to see him looking at her, and she can’t help it, she leans closer again, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, if to him telling her that he loved her was as easy as breathing, then to her to be able to touch him was to be grounded, to know her place, to feel at home, with him.

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Page 34

I watch you as you pace, a cigarette in your hand as you complain about the time She’d only been gone for a few days,

she was only miles away ,

how will you do when she’s away and you can’t come to her

no amount of car rides will get you to her, no bus will be able to give you their service for you to find her again

How will you cope when she is far away?

You drink every night when she was gone

How will you be when she is gone for months?

I see you look at the road, awaiting her return, you light yet another cigarette

Where will you look when she’s gone too far for you to know?

though you are not alone

We look at the lights of a truck, thinking—hoping its her bus but “Its only a truck” you say, I don’t know what it is I hear in your voice

Is it disappointment? Longing? Yearning?

Are you saying it to us or are you saying it to soothe yourself?

You wait for her, for her arrival

“She’s here” the first thing you say when a bus comes in to view

Do you hope that she is here because you miss her? or do you hope that she is here because its late at night?

The bus passes by us, your tired, I wonder truly how you will cope when she is oceans away

This was not part of your vow, how will you cope when you don’t know how she is?

[souls-page]

Page 33

“Why do you wish to find out when you die?” Edwin asked Niko, letting himself ask, not because it had been lingering too long in his head, but because it was far simpler just to ask Niko, everything was simpler with her, easier.

Her head rested on his shoulder, her hand holding his arm, he wondered if she could actually feel him, because as much as he wanted to feel her he couldn’t, he felt her weight, and felt her hold on him tighten before softening again, but he doesn’t feel her warmth that he knows she has

“Because I just want to” Niko replied, simple straightforward, he glanced down at her before looking straight ahead again, resting his head on hers, hoping that she could feel him, that him being here brought her comfort,

“I don't really know what I would do if I actually found out when I’d die, but I think it would bring me some comfort to know when” She said, voice soft, somehow even when the topic was heavy, she could find a way to make it feel like it isn’t, he’s thankful for her of that, never once has he said anything he didn’t want to, never once had it been hard for him to say anything to her

Never with her

“That's odd, most people don’t seek out when they die” He said

“Well, I’m not most people” She replied a smile on her lips, tone soft but fond

“No, no you aren’t” He agreed, a small smile on his face before letting the silence stretch, as they both dangled their feet on the edge of the building, letting the wind pass by them, one feeling the coldness of the wind more than the other

The memory is slightly blurred now, two weeks have passed, and somehow it’s still not fully clicking in his head, He still somehow expects Niko to show up at the agency,

This is not possible considering they never told her where it is, but somehow he just does, he expects her to just show up, with that smile of hers

And on nights like these when they aren’t as busy, on when Crystal is asleep in her apartment and he and Charles are left alone in the room with Charlie being out, He can’t help but think of her, and he knows that Charles knows what he’s thinking

Niko’s books are put on the shelves nearest to the desk, at arm's length for Edwin, and on nights like these he doesn’t know whether he’s thankful to see them there, or saddened by the reminder that they offer

But on nights like these, he’ll always reach out and take one of them, and Charles's presence helps, he talks and sits near him, when he’s sitting at the desk or beckons Edwin over to the couch

Sometimes they both read, sometimes Edwin reads while Charles is just there and sometimes Edwin just reads to Charles, and it helps.

Sometimes more than others, the presence of someone while dealing with the loss of another. In hindsight it's weird, he’d never truly gotten this attached to someone else before, no one other than Charles, but now there's Niko, but Niko’s gone.

He closes the book after realizing that Charles has gone to sleep, they never needed it but he always chooses to do so, he looks so peaceful lying down on their couch, and he can’t help but think about when Charles died

He choose to stay with Edwin, but he can’t help but think about how the past thirty years would’ve been if he didn’t. He sighs and shakes his head, too many emotions for today, he sets the book down somewhere near, and for once he closes his eyes letting the quiet lull of the night lead him to sleep.

[souls-page]

Page 32

“Do you know if you’re coming back?” his voice echoed throughout the abandoned theater

Dark, cold, and sick he stood at the front of the stage, watching as the curtain fell from the broken pipe that was holding it, he watched as a shadow moved behind it as if it were trying to hide itself from him

“Maybe it's a blessing in disguise,” He said tone casual as he looked around the theater again, he saw a shadow sitting some rows behind him, so –like any other decision he’d made that day– knowing it’ll end up badly he sat at the chair nearest to it, hoping that it’ll stay, that it’ll listen

“I sold my soul for you,” he said as he leaned back on the chair, bad idea he heard it creak at the slight weight of him sitting down, he didn't know why he thought he’d be alright if he leaned but he didn't fall, somehow he didn't, but he felt it at his back, looming presence, undeniable coldness, and he saw it at his peripheral vision a shadow

He looked up to see some sort of shadowed figure holding him and somehow he saw his reflection in whatever this figure had as eyes, he saw the way it shook, the way the figure was holding him as if he was fragile, the whole figure body tensed

He should be feeling unsettled, if he were any normal person he’d probably feel scared, actually no if he was a normal person he wouldn’t be sitting in some run-down theater with broken chairs after seeing a shadow run away

Then again, would he really be Rei Alastor if he was a normal person? He was the top student at the academy for a reason.

He reached out to the shadow to see it flinch away from him but its hands(?) still holding him so he didn't fall, he retrieved his hands and instead leaned closer to the hands that held his back, he got comfortable in its arms before looking back at it again

“I'd rather lose somebody, than you” he felt the arms(?) holding him shake before letting him go and letting him fall, he saw it dashed to some corner, and he sighed as he got comfortable on the floor closing his eyes as he let his head meet the dirty wood floor

“Since you’ve been gone, I’ve got along but I’ve been sad,” He says, as he’s met with silence, his voes echoes through the theater again, it felt weird, of course, it was, not like he could do anything, Kai—his partner, his best friend was gone

Not permanently of course he isn’t he’d feel it, he knows that somehow he’d feel it if Kai was gone, but at the same time Kai wasn’t willing to see him for reasons they still have yet to discuss

He sighs as he just gets more comfortable on the floor, part of the roof had been torn, letting him see the night sky in the holes, and he just stays there until he feels it, that cold comforting air somewhere near him again

He doesn’t look this time, he lets the shadow get close, what’d you expect him to do? Flinch? Get scared?? How could he, when he knows that somehow that shadow had been his other half?

“I know you’re tired,” He said loudly, hoping that the shadow–that Kai heard him

It was enough for Rei as long as Kai was there, no need for words, no need for thank yous or apologies, as long as they were together what else could he ask for?

So close, yet so far away, he could feel it in the way the air shifted “So don’t go, just stay” ‘Here beside me’ left unsaid but he’s pretty sure both of them realized it

“That day” he started, hoping that now Kai was somewhere near him sitting and listening

“The day you left” he felt the air go tense, which is weird when in hindsight he’s just been talking to himself and if anyone were to see him right now he’d just look like some psychotic teenager

“You saved me,” Rei said voice going soft, he closed his eyes “There's no need for you to listen to me anymore yknow, I saved you you saved me, debt repaid,”  Rei said before somehow the shadow was over him in a matter of seconds

‘I didn’t save you because of the debt’ he knows that's what Kai is trying to say, but instead of saying anything he holds what seems to be Kai’s face and leans in

“I know” he whispers before his other hand comes up to hold the shadow by its shoulder

“Never leave me, please” He knows that aristocrats aren't supposed to beg, they are supposed to state what they want and they get it, but he doesn’t want Kai to feel like he doesn't get a say in it

He wants Kai to make his choice, and selfish as he might be in wanting to keep Kai close if he were to ever bring the other pain, He’d gladly be the one to put space between them

But now, after narrowly escaping death, nearly losing his family, and losing his soulmate? Can’t the world let him be selfish for a bit and have Kai to himself, it doesn't have to be forever just this moment is enough

He feels it at that moment, when the shadow moves closer, surrounding him, maybe it is a hug, he doesn’t care to ask, all he knows is that it’s kai and that's enough

[souls-page]

Page 31

“Like Orpheus and Eurydice, aren’t we?” He’d said as we were on the staircase of hell, voice clear amongst the chaos we've just been through, amongst the loudness of our breaths, unneeded but there.

He doesn’t know what it means, It's obvious he doesn't know, of course he doesn't, he never finished reading their story

But somehow that gives me comfort, to know he never got to the point where Orpheus lost Eurydice, to even consider that he'd lose me--that I'd lose him is far too hurtful to entertain

“I’d go to hell get you back every time, There no version of this where I don’t get you,” He said, hands coming up to hold my shoulders

his eyes are watering, his hands shaking, his breath uneven, and he is scared to no end, you can see it in his eyes

you can always see it in his eyes

yet somehow—somehow he’s still there, in front of me, holding me

with that smile on his face and even then as we stood there somehow his eyes still shone

He held me, hands rough and calloused—bruised from all the defending from all the fighting that he'd done enough for the both of them

Yet all the times he’s held me, his touch soft and gentle

As if I would break with just the wrong touch

He’d not been wrong—he’s never been wrong not about me

But now that they're out of hell, out of the stairs, out of the impending doom that they might lose each other somehow he’s still holding him

his hands still somehow find their way to him this time no longer soft, no longer gentle, his touch lingers, it stays-- not rough but he no longer holds him like it’s something casual

he holds like he means it, like he doesn’t want to let go like he’s…desperate

It was as if I would somehow disappear if he weren't touching me, which is untrue I'd never leave him even if he stopped touching me

even if he stopped being next to me, I'd still stay, because that's all I can do

The words trapped in my throat were never able to be said.

Anger, Shame, Fear

all in that order, He doesn’t want to lose me and I certainly don’t want to lose him

he still doesn’t know how any of this works, how feeling like this for Charles is okay when it's the very reason he died

but he’s so pretty to look at, the way his eyes close when he smiles, the way his hair frames his face, the way his mere presence lights up a room, the way his laugh echoes the way his touch makes him feel

ghosts don't feel, yet somehow Charles is able to make him feel everything

and he means everything to him

“I love you” He'd say it to Charles a million times if it didn’t mean having to sit there and watch as his face turned, twisted, a face that Charles had made that will never leave his head

if it didn’t mean he had to watch him try to mind his words so they don’t hurt him, if it didn’t mean that Edwin could lose him

he deserves to be loved, he always has, and he always will be, nothing he does will change that

But I don’t deserve to love someone like him, not him never me

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Page 30

There are nights I stay awake and wonder why I haven't finished my novel yet I crave validation, praise, and attention

Then I'm forced to remind myself I can do no such thing I am but a person who seeks more than I have I will never be able to write something like that

I will never be able to love anything I create the mere thought of my work being judged, picked bit by bit– Scares me…

I am no poet, no writer, no novelist only a self-proclaimed one

Only one who would like to be any or all

I have never loved anything I've made How dare I expect other people to do so? Still, I try to Maybe that’s why I want to be an engineer I want to be part of making something something that can outlive me

Build something, Do something for others In ways I cannot with my writing

I may not be a poet, a writer, or a novelist I can be something else

But that does not mean I do not wish to be them

I want to be more than I will ever be in my life Nothing will ever be enough for me I am not enough Nor are my grades Nor are my efforts Nor are my works Nor are my writings I cannot be a poet, a writer, a novelist

I can only be

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Page 29

On the floor of his dimly lit room, there he sat hugging his knees to his chest photographs and letters surrounded him, he couldn’t help but stare, at the picture on his feet, the TV playing in the background

There in the picture, he and Artem when they were kids, Artem holding a basketball while Elio was holding him a smile on both their faces, and there he saw who he used to be, what he was when Artem was around, what he did when realizing he’d found him again

He reached out to touch the picture, but without realizing it tears had already started falling down his face, he didn't think that he’d lose Artem again

He never dwelled on those thoughts when they came to haunt him on those sleepless nights but, now Artem’s gone and all he’s left with are letters and pictures.

They’re not enough, they used to be enough but now, after experiencing life with Artem, a life where he wasn’t alone, a life where he was happy, a life where he wasn't suffocated

The night continued in tense silence before a choked sob escaped Elio and then as if the cracks that littered his facade finally broke him, there he was on the floor hunched forward holding their pictures, his letters to his chest shaking as choked sobs escaped him

Why had he been so blind, so stupid to see Artem was there, in front of him why had he realized so late, it’d been days since their last talk on that rainy day, and guilt in his stomach, eating him away

He’d wanted to reach out to apologize but every time he did he was reminded of the face Artem made that day, he looked so hurt, and all Elio did was stand there, watch as he walked away feeling helpless

By the time his sobs toned down, he’d been lying on the floor, the letter and photographs still in his arms, he breathes, or well tries to only to release yet another sob escapes his throat

He lay there tears still streaming down his face, his chest tight, his head dizzy from his position and from the amount of energy he’d released, all he wanted was for him to come back

The memories from that day resurface yet again and he curls into himself on the cold floor, refusing to let go of anything he was holding, he closes his eyes letting himself rest on the floor, not finding any energy to stand up to go to his bed

‘I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry–’

as he started to fall asleep with his mind lulled with the repetition of the words before buzzing with the reminder that Artem left, his tears had slowly stopped, too tired to make more

He closed his eyes, letting the coldness of the floor and the sudden quiet that his mind had, ‘am I that tired?’ he asked himself as he felt himself falling deeper into unconsciousness before he heard his window being forced open, he opened his eyes to see Artem in front of his window, in his room, eyes wide

“Elio?” and oh his voice sounded so shaken, he looked Artem in the eyes, before the other immediately went beside him holding Elio’s face and brushing the tears away

“I’m sorry” he finds himself saying as he closes his eyes yet again, letting himself be held by Artem, he feels the other’s hand shake from where it was holding his face

“I’m so sorry Artem” he says again as he feels artem lift him and put him into his bed, he holds Artem’s hand that is holding his face, afraid that if he let go Artem would soon follow, then he feels the bed dip from the space next to him, he opens his eyes only to be met by Artems shirt, he felt Artems arms hold him

“Please let me hold you” he heard the other say

And he did, he let himself be held, warmth seeping back into his bones, he closed his eyes again inching closer to Artem, removing whatever space they had between them, inhaling Artem's scent, as he too wrapped his arms around Artem and they spent the rest of the night in each others hold, in each others presence, content to be in each other's arms

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Page 28

After four years they were back at the same park, with the same benches, but now they were different people, their drink at hand Alex watched as June continued to walk to the bench next to theirs before sitting down, they opened their cans and took a sip allowing silence to fill the air, they look at June 'She looks different, not for the fact she cut her hair but there's something in her face, in the way she closes her eyes'

'had I been there I wouldn't have left you to suffer all alone' They closed their eyes taking another sip of their can trying to think of something to say, break the silence, anything just to hear her voice again

"How's Tita Kate?"

"She's doing better, still sick but doing better," June said as she opened her can and raised her feet to rest on the bench, looking up at the sky away from Alex, she doesn't know how to act, four years without Alex and now they're just there? asking for them to go out for a drink, to go back to the place they always went to, do they want to act like nothing happened? She closes her eyes in frustration,

"How are you?" Alex asked, they honestly didn't know how they could talk in this situation, the air was so tense but June was there, sitting on the bench beside theirs, this could very well be their last chance to ever talk and see her again, they aren't going to give it up, June taking a sip of her drink her eyes closed, realizing a sigh seemingly tired,

"Alex, what do you want?" June demanded still not looking at Alex, brows furrowed from frustration about the whole situation, and Alex wanted to go to her but it had been years, both of them had changed

and now Alex was looking at June, not knowing what to say, all they wanted to do was get closer to June again, they didn't think this far, June looked so pained, is them being here hurting her this much-"I'm sorry" comes out of Alex's mouth, they don't take it back, they just look at June waiting and now she's looking at Alex, the same eyes that looked at them with so much emotion so much love now June looks like she's seconds away from crying

"For what?" June seemingly begged, looking away from Alex her voice unsteady, was this what she wanted? an apology from Alex she's getting the closure she wanted but now Alex is still there, not leaving, they're still there...

"for not calling, not trying...for leaving," Alex struggled to say as they looked down on the ground, four years they could've called, four years they could've come back four years of wishing they didn't leave, Four years without her "I Should've, I wanted to but I didn't by the time I mustered up the courage to try it'd been a year already, and I didnt know if you would've even talked to me"

June looked at Alex again, she wanted to say something, anything Alex was here telling her that they wanted to reach out and talk to her and yet she couldn't seem to find anything to say and anything she thought about saying died in her throat, the look Alex has reminds her of all those years ago, reminds her of everything they were, everything they could've been

“That day, here in this park, what were you going to say—what were you going to do?” June muttered, and now Alex looked pained avoiding eye contact body tense, 'Tell me, it has been four years I deserve to know what you were going to say, I deserve to know what you were going to do' and then Alex looked up taking a breath before looking at June opening their mouth but still they hesitated

'is this okay?' Alex thought 'Can I say it? wouldn't it make you feel worse?' Alex didnt want to say it but June looked desperate and after a few more seconds of hesitating Alex closed their eyes "I was going to tell you that I loved you" Alex said opening their eyes to look at June, June whose eyes were wide filled with disbelief,

"I went here to ask if we could try again, that was the reason why I called you right now, I wanted to see if I still had a chance" Alex explained then finished their drink, Maybe it was all those years alone wishing they at least tried, maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the fact that now June was there and the adrenaline rush of the moment

June stood up from the bench her drink discarded to the ground as she walked towards Alex Alex stood up not knowing what June was going to do 'Was she going to slap them, was she going to scream, as she-

She kissed Alex, she held Alex's face and kissed them, tears started to fall from June's eyes and that snapped Alex back into reality, they kissed her back and using one of their arms they held June by the wais and their free hand wiped June's tears, when they broke off from the kiss, June buried her face on their shoulders "Stupid Alex," she murmured "I thought you didn't want me to stay" Alex said as they hugged June

"You should've asked me what I thought instead of assuming how I felt," June said as she buried her face even deeper in Alex's shoulder, Alex now had tears running down their face "I'm sorry June," Alex said as they kissed Junes temple

"Stupid Alex! June murmured head still on Alex's shoulder, Alex smiled and brushed away their tears, June looked up and brushed Alex's tears away with her hands "We wasted four years for nothing" June said using one of her hands to hold Alex's face "I'm sorry June" Alex said as tears continued to roll down their cheeks

"I want to try again," June said to Alex smiling for the first time since they got there, and it filled Alex with so much warmth and hope they pulled June closer again to kiss her

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Page 27

“I didn’t want to be like this- for us to be like this” Uno seethed as he walked away, away from the restaurant, away from Axel, away from this city, crossing the roads, the city lights framing him

“You think just saying you don't want to be here will magically make all your problems disappear?” Axel snapped, catching up to Uno, reaching out for Uno’s hand, before being bumped by another person, hissing as he held his shoulder he looked at Uno who was getting farther away from him,

He ran

It won't, to put it plainly he knew it wouldn't, Uno knew that he was for some reason just dragging it out, he was supposed to leave a year ago but he stayed anyway, for him, for Axel, and now the only reason he’d stayed he’s leaving behind, it felt wrong, it all felt wrong

The city lights had always been blinding, but now more so than ever, he looked back to see Axel pull through the crowd, still, he was reaching out for his hand–he ran.

Uno ran, he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it, he wouldn't be able to leave if he saw Axel’s face, he saw the tears on his cheeks his hands reaching out, and he heard Axel calling out to him

“Please don’t leave me-” he heard it, it was shaky and low but he heard it and he knew then that if he’d stayed even one second longer to see Axel’s eyes, it was always the same look

Desperate, sad, confused, fearful, pain all of it

He hated it, he always has

Cause in that moment, when Axel called out he found himself reaching out to Axel, ready to take him again but caught himself just in time, he ran until he couldn’t his legs giving out, he sat there on the side of some road, leading to God knows where

But for some reason he’d found himself crying, axels voice repeating in his head, but at the same time he knew if he came back he’d regret it all together, he’s here now and he has a chance to leave, leave the city, leave his shitty apartment, with his shitty job—leave Alex

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Page 26

They took a glance at her, her hands on the steering wheel, her hair flying as the wind passed by them, the city lights making her glow so brightly, and they couldn’t seem to take their eyes off of her “This is your favorite song right?”  Riyo said as they looked at the radio before looking back at Amaya, to see her taking glances at them, a smile on her face her eyes widening before blinking, she opened her eyes to look straight at them for a few seconds before looking back at the road

“Yeah,” she said taking a turn on the road

“Yeah it is,” she said before smiling, the kind of smile where it showed her top teeth, the kind of smile where Riyo’s knees went weak, good think they were sitting down

and after that, it was silence, Amaya driving and Riyo in the passenger seat, their head resting on the window, a soft serene smile on their face, as their hair too flew past them, though their hair not as long as Amaya's still considerably past the neck

“Thanks for driving me by the way,” Riyo said as they yawned, not noticing the way Amaya looked at them, her eyes filled with fondness and care “I offered to drive you, you looked as if you were gonna fall in your spot from the cold,” She said as she took a side glance at Riyo who was nearly just lying on their seat, their eyes closed and her jacket around them

“Which is the exact reason I gave you my jacket, you dumbass,” she said as she reached out to pinch riyals forearm, getting a yelp from the other and a small slap to the hand that pinched them

“you knew it was gonna be cold yet you didn't bring your jacket” Amaya sighed fondly, her eyes on the road taking glances at Riyo who seemed to curl up in her jacket

“Still thank you,” Riyo said as they looked at Amaya, a soft smile on their lips “If it weren't for you I’d probably walk home,” Riyo said with a sigh but still looking calm “Yea- fuck you mean walk home?” Amaya said as he glared at Riyo, and pinched him again “What like I could have done anything, I have no money on me,” Riyo said shrugging their shoulders and letting their head rest on the window “That's why I'm saying thank you, because if it weren't for you I literally wouldn't even be able to go home until like after an hour or two,” Riyo said a smile on their face As Riyo looked at the buildings they passed by, Amaya couldn’t think of anything, too busy looking at the road and back at Riyo who looked so mesmerizing under the city light to form any coherent thoughts “No need,” she said after a while of silence, only to glance back at Riyo who by then had fallen asleep “Fuck- I can’t believe you have this much effect on me,” Amaya said as she stopped at a red light, resting her forehead on the steering wheel and looking at Riyo who was using her jacket as a blanket, noticing that the left sleeve was falling, she decided to lift it to cover Riyo once more, staring for a while before the car behind her honked at her

she put her hands back on the steering wheel, face dusted with pink, she looked back at Riyo who didnt seem to be fazed, too deep into their sleep, and she breathed out a sigh of relief she continued to drive and on the radio played Riyo’s favorite song, seeing as he was asleep she let herself sing along to the lyrics “The night was brighter when you lingered And love was a mystery 'till you walk by my side Without you, I’m walking back home~“

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Page 25

The fireworks lit the way through the bridge, the wind howled coldness hitting her where her skin is bare, the water below her loud demanding– as if it was waiting for her to fall, closing her eyes- she knew things couldn't be worse

closing her eyes, just as he said she should do, she continued walking, keeping her breath stable, her legs straight and her arms around the bridges rope

screams, everywhere–just as he said there would be

She continued walking, ignoring the screams, ignoring the way the bridge moved as if people were intentionally shaking it, she can’t open her eyes, he said she couldn't, and that she’d know when to open her eyes

So she walked, eyes closed, cold, shivering

She walked

the bridge never seemed to end, so did the fireworks, the screaming ended after a while but if she listens in enough she could still hear the sound of the fireworks still there, evidently they don't sound to be stopping soon

and even through closed eyes, she vaguely see it, the way the different colors erupt, seemingly around her, a gist of wind hits her and she looses her footing, she panics eyes almost opening, her grip on the rope tightening, she uses her other hand to rip off the sleeve of her hoodie, its long enough to wrap around her face

She feels it, the way everything suddenly went quiet, she lifts her head, breath shaky, warm…

that can’t be right

theres no more fireworks

no more wind

no more water

.

.

.

no more bridge

she felt it, the way the rope she was holding onto falls, and so does she

guess he never mentioned that she should’ve never held on the rope, but really it is her fault for blindly following instructions from someone she doesn’t know how amazingly stupid people can be

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Pagr 24.1

I closed my eyes, as you hold me I cant hold you back, and i know you realized it a long time ago and yet you’re still here I want to ask why Why stay? Why be here? Why me?

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Page 23

There are still nights i stay awake wondering if i stayed awake that night if i held you in my arms would that have been enough? would that have made you stay?

If i stayed beside you, if i talked to you would that have changed anything?

Did you feel lonely when you left? I’m sorry.

Had i been there for you would you hate me for not letting you go?

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I find myself trying to find you Find myself waiting for you Find myself thinking of you

That day she asked me to see if you were breathing and I had hoped what she assumed was wrong I went over to look at you and I didn't want to

I held my hand in front of you’re nose

my hand was met with nothing

and I denied it, I had hoped I was wrong

I hate the world

‘How ironic’ I thought to myself as I cried, just the night before I had prayed “I’ll believe in you, save her and I’ll believe you”

I hate the world how dare it take you away

I don't believe in him anymore

Any talk of him makes me think of you I wonder how long that's going to last

the day it happened–I didn't go home from school I sought distraction but no matter what I did I still thought of you

that afternoon I walked to the balcony and looked up remembering my prayer, remembering no matter what I did it was never enough for him

I cried that night

I miss you, I'm sorry

I didn't go to your funeral i was scared, I didn't want to say goodbye yet

I still don't I don't look up when I go down the stairs anymore I don't look at the terrace anymore I don't look at the right side of the fridge anymore I don't look at the altar anymore

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I hadn’t thought about saying goodbye

why would I? was I somehow supposed to know you were leaving? was I somehow supposed to be prepared for when you left?

I had thought that maybe you’d stay that maybe I’d be able to celebrate my birthday with you

maybe I was selfish

maybe I was too hopefully

maybe I was just attached

that night, I prayed “For once, I’m fully believing in you, I’m relying on you” I told him “Let her stay, let her live”

The next day you died

I prayed, knowing it was selfish if he didn't have time to save thousands of people why would he for a dog?

I asked myself

yet I still prayed cause I wanted you to stay I wanted to be there to see you get better

So what if I was selfish

I wasn’t taught how to cope with grief why would I want to experience something I can't cope with?

why would I want to loose her

why did we have to loose her

September 24 was her birthday September 24, 2023

I wish you had stayed

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I had thought that as more time passed by, it would be easier that it would be less painful and yet here I am now, in front of my laptop

I held you so tightly, so close to me, I had been content with that with your presence, it was enough

And now you’re gone

‘everything I've ever let go has claw marks on it’

I let myself breathe content with you’re presence I let myself release my hold on you

for once, I wish that I hadn’t let go let the claw marks appear at least it shows I held you

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Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa at sa pagod na aking nakukuha isang ngiti mo lang at lahat iyon ay parang wala na Oh aking giliw parang awa mo na Sa bawat ngiti at bawat tingin mo parang akoy nawawalan ng hinga di mapigil ang aking paghanga di napapansin lahat ng katabi titig koy saiyo lang nakatingin Irog di pa pwede na ako'y iyong hilingin Ako pa ba ay kaya mong mahalin? kaya pa ba kitang hintayin? aking liyag hangaang saan ba ito? ako'y hanggang saan ba sayo?

Ibibigay ko naman sayo lahat ng iyong gusto Pero lahat ito sayo ay parang wala lang apekto Hindi ba ako sapat saiyo aking mahal? Tayo ba talaga ay tatagal? Aking sinta, Ako pa ba talaga ang iyong mahal? ako lang ba talaga ang iniisip mo? Ako parin ba ay kasama sa iyong mga dasal? Ako pa rin ba sayo?