soyouarehavingwls-blog

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I’m very perfectionistic and very lazy, which is a terrible combination.

Robert Stone (via thequotejournals)

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2 Steps Forward & 3 Steps Back

No one said this would be easy. Even when I lost 60 pounds my freshman year of college. I fully expected to keep it off. Then life happened and I gained it all back and then some. I’ve been having a hard time in my own skin lately and it was only made worse by the words of a child....

Yes it’s true...I got my feelings hurt by a small child at the store. I was minding my own business when some little turds came screaming up the aisle while their oblivious mom talked on her cell phone. As they were racing up and down the aisle one of them blurts out, watch out fat person. I looked around thinking, “They can’t be talking to me?” When I saw no one else in the aisle I cringed. They were talking to me and about me and instead of getting upset in the store I left the cart and walked out. I was more angry than upset. Angry at the aloof mom who couldn’t take the time to wrangle her kids as they destroyed the store and yelled hateful things at people. But really I was more angry that I had allowed myself to get this big, this unhealthy, this self-conscious. I’ve been taking the right steps and yet getting nowhere fast. I know that this is all part of the journey but it isn’t making it any easier to handle.

One day in the future I will be able to feel healthy, look healthy and hopefully not care what others think. There is something about all of us that people can find fault with. My outsides may not be what you like to see, but my insides are made of gold.  

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3 months down, 3 to go

It’s been a while since I posted last. I’ve had my 3rd dietitian appointment out of 6, and have lost 7 pounds the last month. That may not seem like a lot but for someone like me who has had epic battles against the scale it is an accomplishment. It also means I’m losing weight at a normal, healthy pace. I’m happy that this is the case and I’m learning not only what to eat but how to eat. I fall off the wagon still and eat things that aren’t the greatest for me, but I’m learning how to look at food properly. 

I also had my psychology evaluation on Monday. It confirmed what I already knew. That I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that it is imperative that take care of myself and make sure that I use the tools that I’ve honed over my years to make sure that my anxiety is in check, or it could sabotage my weight loss. 

So I’ve got a couple of more things to do before I can meet with the surgeon. I’m really happy with some of the progress I’ve made the last few months.

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Honesty time...I hope this journey will one day make me look as cute as the USWNT does in snapback hats. 

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So many things and so many emotions to go with them...

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to write. Not only am I going through a weight loss surgery journey, I am in the process of going through a complete reevaluation of my life. I’m learning what is important and what isn’t and along the way I’m hitting on some wonderful and terrifying things. My emotions and my anxiety have been at pretty high levels.

So to fill in where I’ve been...I’ve started class almost two weeks ago. It’s online which I’ve been warned can be hard. It is an easy topic (business fundamentals), but the level of work has been insane. Trying to keep up with the reading and studying has been an adjustment since I’ve been out of the classroom for 10 years. I have become frustrated with myself because I’m not falling back into as fast as I thought I would. So what do I do when I’m frustrated? I eat...and eat...and then sleep...and then probably eat some more. Old habits are dying hard.

I went to the physical therapist a few weeks ago for my pre-op screening. She thought I was generally in good shape and won’t need physical therapy after the surgery. She actually said something along the lines you are in much better shape then most people having this surgery. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’m 32 with high blood pressure, an under active thyroid, PCOS, pre-diabetes, and an anxiety disorder...that’s all controlled only moderately with pills. At least I am pushing myself forward.

This past Friday I went to my second dietitian appointment. I had gained a pound. I was pretty embarrassed but luckily my dietitian is amazing and gave me some great tips on meal planning and watch my carbs, surgars and fats. I’m going to have to start really looking at the foods I eat going forward.

I’ve been working hard on not always focusing on the crappy parts of things, so now for some good things. I went on an awesome trip to the Ozark with the manfriend and his family this past weekend and ate the best filet mignon of my life. I got a perfect score on my first quiz in my class and I am hopefully headed to Columbus in November to see the USMNT take on Mexico in the first game of the Hex.  See...things are so bad after all. 

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It’s always going to be hard isn’t it?

This week was made up of a few steps forward and a few steps back. Let’s focus on the positives though. I haven’t drank soda in 11 days!

I mean I’m celebrating that and have found new drinks to really quench my thirst. Tons of water and juices. So that’ s a great thing. I am eating slower as well. which is good, but I still have a major hurtle to cross. I’m still eating too much junk. The weekends are the worse. During the week I can get into a routine but the weekend I eat everything that isn’t nailed down, and always feel disgusting doing so. I never thought this was going to be easy but I was hoping my will power would be stronger. I beat myself up for everything I put in my body and that is for sure is something that I still need to work on. Which brings me to my next point. I found out that my paperwork from Weight Watchers would qualify me to have the surgery quicker, and I turned it down. I know that I’m not ready in my head to just have surgery now and be done with it. I’m looking forward to gaining more knowledge and more tools before I have this life changing experience happen. I can wait 6 months before I have this done.

This week I’ll be going to the physical therapist. I’m kind of skeptical about going. I have to go for the program I’m in but I am not sure what they can provide me. I’m not having trouble walking or getting around I don’t anticipate having trouble, but I’m going into it with an open mind. This whole journey is about having an open mind and learning about me. I know it won’t be easy but I think it will be worth it.

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I stopped drinking soda and lost 10 pounds...in a week!

In my head it’s a fluke. My scale must be off. Even though my clothes fit a bit better I weighed heavy at the doctors office on Monday. I’ve eaten better but have mainly watched my proteins, fats, carbs and sugars. It couldn’t be the soda...or could it? Either way this was me getting off the scale this morning...

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The imperfect perfectionist

For as much as I’d LOVE to feel that I do everything perfect the fact is I don’t. No one does. My mom always says the only person that was perfect was Jesus and died on the cross. When I feel good about one part of my life something happens to bring me back to reality.

I have this unjustified fear of getting fired. I think it started when the company I worked for went bankrupt and I became acutely aware that I was by myself and if I didn’t have a job to pay the bills I would lose everything. I’m a catastrophic thinker. One small thing will send my mind into a spiral that is hard to get off. I’ve gotten better with this but lately I feel I’m falling back into old habits. One of my many ‘illness’ is Generalized Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder or GAD. I worry constantly and always have. That’s just the crappy way my mind works. So today when I forgot to meet with an employee who has been here for a month and my boss was the one who caught it I immediately felt flushed and sweaty. My heart raced and I was insanely embarrassed. I’ve worked to get it corrected and it should be fine, but I can’t help but worry I’m not doing well enough even though all feedback I’ve gotten has been great! People make mistakes and I am one of them.

I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way but it is a lonely place inside ones own brain. 

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I want a damn soda!!!

I have gone 5 days now without soda...and it has been pretty rough today...I know...#firstworldproblems

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So what is your go to snack..Little Debbie’s?

That may sound brutal but sometimes you need to hear brutal to see that you aren’t making the right choices. 

Yesterday, I had my dietitian consultation. This is and was an important step in the process. I am coming to terms with my food issues and while this was a required step for my program I think it may be the most valuable one. My dietitian’s name is Debbie (how ironic, like Little Debbie). She was a southern gal with a big personality and I think I’m going to learn a lot from her. She has worked in outpatient and inpatient bariatric clinics and has a lot of experience with patients like me. 

So, before I went I always wondered exactly what dietitians did. Do they give me a weight loss program? Do they make you eat all veggies and fruits? I had no clue. Thankfully it was a little bit of everything. We discussed the type of surgery I was planning on having (Roux en Y gastric bypass, which I’ll go into at a later post). We discussed foods and the side effects they would have on me and my new pouch/stomach, and what my diet will consist of immediately following surgery all the way to maintenance and beyond. One thing that I found out was that after surgery my stomach will be roughly the size of a ping pong ball. I don’t think I’ll ever look at table tennis the same! It being so small means that I need to develop eating habits now so that when the time comes I won’t have problems. 

Here are a few things I learned...

1. I will need to not drink and eat at the same time. This will require me to drink at least 30 minutes to an hour before eating to avoid over expansion of my tummy which will lead to pain.

2. I need to make sure I chew everything I eat at least 15 to 20 times if not more before I swallow. This seems like no big deal but if you actually sit there and think about every time you eat something and how chewed up your food actually is or isn’t before swallowing. It digests easier and goes down easier if you chew it up all the way.

3. NO MORE SODA! UGH! So carbonation expands your stomach and the more it expands with my new stomach the more pain I’ll be in. 

4. Don’t be completely afraid of carbs but watch them. 

5. Higher Proteins, lower fats. Try to stay between 60 to 80 grams of proteins a day.

6. My post surgery diet is pretty crazy to see so I may post that at some point but it involves a lot of protein shakes.

After talking for a bit and setting up our next appointment in 30 days she had me pick out three goals for the next visit, surprisingly they weren’t lose 10 pounds and beat yourself up if you don’t. The three goals I picked were...         

1. Master chewing my food 15 to 20 times before swallowing

2. Slow down while I’m eating and put the fork down between bites.

3. Kick the soda habit once and for all.

It was really interesting and informative and is already making me look at food in a different way then I did before.  

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The long and winding road

I’m a Beatles fan. Have loved them for as long as I remember. When I was younger I loved the early work of the ‘Fab 4′, but as I got older so did my taste. This is one of my favorite songs and as story grows Sir Paul wrote it about the growing tensions within the group, etc. To me it takes on a special meaning because in many ways I’m breaking up with my old self and the parts of my life that seem to have a hold onto me. On the other hand, I am also coming to terms with the fact that this journey is going to be anything but quick. This is alright as it gives me time to really embrace the change. 

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Progressing Nicely

Today I was able to schedule the appointments needed to begin completing the requirements needed for my insurance to cover my surgery. While it is looking more and more like I will need to do the 6 months medically supervised diet at least I will have everything else in order before that point. 

First up will be my appointment with a nutritionist, and honestly I’m looking forward to this. I won’t lie and say that I make good food choices because 90% of the time I don’t. I really do need someone to tell me what to eat and basically teach me how to eat. Sure, that sounds so simple but to a food addict like myself it is anything but. 

 But seriously...what is my donut hand empty and why can’t it be full of things other than donuts. I guess I’ll find out if it can on Thursday?

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This hit a cord that is all part of my journey. 

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I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.

Virginia Woolf, The Waves (via thequotejournals)

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Moving On

One of the hard parts of this journey so far has been coming to terms with moving on from things that aren’t healthy for me. Unfortunately that means both things and people. To fully embrace the journey it is probably an important step to take, but it will probably be the most difficult one.

All of my life I have been a terrible people pleaser. I never took risks for fear of getting in trouble. I let people step on me and was always quick to apologize for things that I shouldn’t have just to make people happy. I’m still that way a lot of times. I avoid confrontation as much as possible and when I have stood up for myself or others it is turns on me. At what point does my inability to say no and screw you (in a nice way) hurt me beyond repair?

I have wonderful people in my life for the most part but I’m starting to see things that I know I need to avoid to be happy. I owe to much to myself to keep going back to things and people I don’t enjoy. I’m tired of being nice to people that aren’t nice to me. I’m tired of being nice to people that aren’t nice to people I care about. Life is too short of that crap. If people can’t have a positive influence on my life and if I can’t provide the same to them then it is time to move on. If that means giving up on something that I formally loved then so be it. I can find other ways to make an impact that are more powerful then previously.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, probably nothing in terms of the scale, but this journey is so much more than a number on a scale. It is a complete transformation of the body, mind and soul.

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My first visit with the NP

This was mean’t to be written yesterday, but I was exhausted when I got home and chose to hang out with my nephew at the Splash Pad. Yesterday was my first visit with my nurse practitioner and clinical staff for the beginning of my weight loss process. The rest is basically up to me. People keep asking me the same things. When is your surgery? Well that’s a good question but it is very fluid. My insurance will cover 90% of my surgery, which is fantastic! The one thing is I have to live by their rules first and one of the first rules is to make sure I’ve been in a medically certified weight loss program for 6 months. I, like many people have been in all sorts of weight loss groups on and off my entire life. I called WW to see if they could send me something stating I’ve been in the group for 6 months in the last two years. I am pretty sure I have but I’m not holding my breath. After that things will go one of two ways...

1. If I have met the requirements for 6 months of a medically monitored weight loss program I just need to meet with my nutritionist, psychologist, and physical therapist, watch an online course, get my labs and EKG complete, and go to a support group Q&A. Once those things are done I can meet with the surgeon and move forward from there. I’d estimate the time would be under 6 months.

2. If I haven’t met the 6 month requirements for the weight loss program I’ll have to do that along with the rest of the stuff...so 6+ months. 

First things first, finding out what they will accept for my weight loss program and go from there. I feel good about everything and am ready to move forward. 

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Goals: More freedom, beauty, clarity, passion, love, excitement, exhilaration, joy, laughter, lightness, synchronicity, pleasure, creativity.

Maryam Hasnaa (via deeplifequotes)