speakupchel - Tumblr blog

[speakupchel]

i got back to nyc in january and the first thing i did was call the people i knew i had isolated myself from

friends i hadn’t seen in years

friends i’d only hung out with irl a few times

friends at home that i’d gone too long without checking in on

i apologized

i told them i was sorry for setting them aside, for not showing them how important they are to me, for disappearing when they may have needed me and reappearing only when i needed them.

and they showed up for me

i reunited with connor and nico, my two besties from college, we hung out a handful of times and are planning a trip to cape cod next month

i forced myself out of my shell and started going out with abby and meeting all of her friends

i asked my friends from discord who i used to spend every day talking to, for forgiveness. forgiveness for disappearing without explanation, forgiveness for not showing our friendships the love and commitment that they deserved

and i asked. i asked for help, i asked for time, i asked for friendship.

and they showed up.

they fucking showed up.

i’ll never let myself forget that.

when you find yourself at the bottom. when you need your people. when you need someone to listen, someone to be there. don’t be scared to reach out to the people you left behind.

apologize. reconnect. show love.

and then pay it forward when someone else needs the same.

people can “come out of the woodwork”

friends make mistakes

they go down the wrong path

when you see them struggling to find the right course, don’t hold onto resentment

embrace their return

[speakupchel]

lol

[speakupchel]

my sister and i used to jump in her car sometimes and just take a road trip. unplanned. spur of the moment. the second our parents said yes.

st. augustine, miami, orlando.

there’s cities that i can’t think of without seeing her and i. still best friends. still polar opposites. still a packaged deal.

it was her and i. it was always her and i.

i’ll never forgive jehovah’s witnesses for taking that away from me.

never.

[speakupchel]

some mornings

some mornings i wake up and regret everything

some mornings i wake up with tears running down my face

some mornings i can’t get the image of my mother’s disappointment out of my head

some mornings i just need time

[speakupchel]

18 days until andrew gets to nyc

[speakupchel]

i’m hurting

[speakupchel]

someone just said “you look like the type of girl who had an epiphany while listening to blink 182” to me and idk if i’m offended or not

[speakupchel]

update:

we umm really like each other

[speakupchel]

I GOT A RAISE TODAY

i’ve literally never gotten a raise without directly asking for it/saying i’m going to leave and take another job unless they match an offer

literal never

and this was… “just for a job well done”

and…. i got the call while smoking a joint after a 3 hour afternoon nap

LOL

[speakupchel]

updateeeee:

im back in nyc

i hate it here

BUT

i’m back on my healthy food & gym life

and i feel good about that

and i have a major crush on a boy named andrew who makes me really happy and treats me really well

he’s um

a liberal

don’t worry, guys

i’m not completely repeating history

[speakupchel]

update: i’m in florida

i’m running and i know i’m running

i’m not sure what all i’m running from

but i’m well aware i can’t outrun it

it’s going to all catch up to me when i get back to nyc

so i pushed my flight back a week

bc clearly, i like my life to be on loop

[speakupchel]

reminding myself every minute of every day that the person i miss doesn’t actually exist

do i even cross your mind?

[speakupchel]

It’s okay for you to grieve the life you thought you should have had.

[speakupchel]

you don’t miss him, you miss the void he was filling

[speakupchel]

“You started,

you started making promises,

you started showering me with compliments,

you made me believe that I discovered

love at first sight

only to realize

that this is something called

Love bombing.”

[speakupchel]

LOVE BOMBING [ luhv] [bom-ing]

a dating technique where someone bombards the person they are dating right from the start with overwhelming levels of attention and approval