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my friend hates her mother's evil cat so much and wants him to die and im just now finding out his name is tubby pumpkin 😭 like bro why do u have beef with tubby pumpkin

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can now report that harvesting from the garden by flashlight does feel a lot like a first person pov veggie-based horror video game

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I ❤️ MY PUBLIC LIBRARY

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California girls we're unaccountable

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"New Yorkers bite more people than sharks annually" is an excellent example of how statistics can be misleading. Like yeah no shit, do you have any idea how rare it is to even encounter a shark in the wild? They're not exactly urban animals. I'm pretty damn sure that if sharks were living in big cities like pigeons, just strolling down the streets looking for food scraps, you'd see a lot more news stories about New Yorkers biting them.

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until i read the third tag i was hearing the most wise shit in the universe. then it just became the most insightful driving advice finally put to words, still a net gain

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WAHHHH ITS SO COLD MY GOOSE TOES ARE FALLING OFF!! I CAN SEE MY BREATH WHILE INSIDE!’n

lmao its MID JULY rn, i am sweating and melting. i’d love to switch!!! SEND ME TO AUSTRALIA PRONOUN BOY

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I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do the dishes!

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If you're in LGBT friendly spaces and someone introduces themselves and cautiously says they're fine with any pronouns, it is your duty to notice which pronouns the people around you tend to default to for them and ensure that you refer to them with any and every pronoun under the sun except for that one. You must.

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In these trying times I have to tap the sign once again: (courtesy of Reddit user)

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this is actually legitness

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noticing that for mono relationships you hear stuff like "they weren't right for each other" or "it just didn't work out" but for poly relationships it's always "this is why I could never do polyamory"

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Illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

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sorry man im all booked

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someone stole my beloved block of ice and left behind a slick, cold puddle as a calling card. count your days soggy bandit

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It’s so crazy that suicide prevention is just people going awwww don’t!! Awwww come on noooooooooo stopppppp