spiderfreedom

[spiderfreedom]

I was thinking today as I saw a woman with a baby stroller that even though she was objectively a mother, I didn't see her as "a mom" because "mom" is such a symbolically loaded phrase. "Mom", "mother", these are words with connotations of a sort of total subservience to children (or alternatively, the domineering mother). The way mothers are talked about, you would think they were a totally different species of women. But a mother is just another woman; she just happens to have reproduced and gone through a very intense experience.

And it's not like we respect mothers. Far from it. Mothers are considered to be out of it. Mom books are lame. Mom wine is lame. "so easy even your mom can understand it" is a meme. But that's not how mothers actually feel. Whatever knowledge and skills you had before you were a mother are still there. It's everyone else who has decided that none of that matters now. Whether they want to put you on a pedestal or demonize you or mock you, they're still assuming your humanity was lost when you decided to have a child.

We talk a lot about the madonna/whore dichotomy, but I also think the mother/childless dichotomy is another one that needs to be dismantled. The idea that you can only be someone who contributes to the world in a transcendent way if you're a childless woman, and that reproducing somehow makes everything you did before that meaningless. But at the same time, the mother is weaponized against the childless woman, and the childless woman is treated as frivolous and unloving. How cruel. The mother was a childless woman once, too.

All this a rant to say, the treatment of mothers in culture sucks. There's a lot of glorification and little material support. There's no consideration for the fullness of a mother's humanity, as someone who has sacrificed so much to make a new person who is dependent on her, and as someone who has also lived a lot and has a lot left to live, both in her role as a parent and outside of it.

I hate how saying that something is 'for moms' is shorthand for saying it's safe, sentimental and lacking in substance. For one, it's yet another avenue to denigrate things associated with women whilst obfuscating that fact (same as saying something is for 'white women' - in fact, there's a lot of overlap here in the cultural perceptions of lame, vapid safety in whiteness and 'momness'. Probably also because the primary stereotype of a 'mom' is a white suburban housewife). But also, I've never been a mother but from my empathy I can strongly imagine it to be the most emotionally intense experience a human can have save probably for being born and/or dieing. Seriouslt, try to picture the psychological impact of not only feeling your body change so dramatically, not only literally going through birth, but then having that baby change your fucking brain chemistry - the love a mother has for her baby is famous for being the most powerful form of love there is. The emotional vulnerability a woman has to have to feel so deeply responsible for a brand new life form is fucking hardcore - and it's ridiculous that I even had to hesitate in using that word because it felt cringe to do so. And that's the damning ironic point in all of this, isn't it? That women will split their fucking clitorises open to bring a life into the world and men who don't even change a fucking nappy will be like 'haha mom music. wine moms. this is a dumb reality show only moms would like. look at this sappy mom film'. Women do the most physically and psychologically dangerous and impactful thing ever whilst literally being oppressed by the person who spunked the babymaking equivalent of baking powder at her, and not only does he think he's done the most important job but he also thinks he's hardcore because he picks fights for no reason and listens to edgy rap. Listen fuckers, women - mothers especially - have earned our right to our 'safe' shit. Men have constructed society to be a psychological comfort blanket for themselves and they have the fucking gall to snigger at the woman who had her body cut open for not knowing what toughness means. Jesus H Christ.

[spiderfreedom]

Sometimes I can't help but think of this one college course I took where the instructor had us read this tiny bit of writing that had been found at a woman's burial site from sth like 3000-5000 years ago and I'm going to gist it bc it's been almost ten years since I read it but she said

"In the forest are bears, in the desert are tigers, in the home is my husband... where can I go?"

And I was the only one who said "it sounds like she feels trapped between three things that are unsafe" bc apparently it was interpreted by the instructor to be a poem of wanderlust. It was a male TA.

[spiderfreedom]

The Curtain Closes, For Now

It's been a few months and I haven't really felt a desire to go back to feminist blogging. In some sense, I feel like I've said what I've needed to say, and reached the limit of what I can do with my words. I'm not an especially persuasive person, so my attempts to kind of get any sort of organized action going failed. Maybe I'll be back one day, but for now, this is the end.

I learned so much here, and the time I spent really changed how I viewed the world. I can't regret it. I met so many amazing women and was encouraged for the first time in my life to center women.

At the same time, I felt I was living a double life, which was extremely painful psychologically. I had an entire second part of my life I could not tell anyone about. It hurt, physically. I knew this couldn't last forever.

I also felt like there was no long term future for writing certain things here. We have diversity, yes, but some things seem to have become axiomatic in the community. There is nothing wrong with having principles, but there are issues when your commitment to a value prevents you from incorporating new evidence. I have met a lot of people who feel the same way I do about certain things - feeling that it is not wise to discuss certain things asexuality, sexual relations with male people, or the origins of MTF (beyond 'pornsickness', 'misogyny', 'internalized homophobia'). I don't like how many people have felt they couldn't be open about their experiences or theories without risking censure.

I don't foresee this changing in the future. Tumblr communities are notoriously difficult for anyone to control or set norms for. At a certain point, I realized that I simply don't belong here anymore. Perhaps the interests have diverged too much. I worried I was becoming too focused on a single interpretation of the world.

I will leave my posts up for the time being. Many people have told me they have helped them, which is perhaps the greatest gift I got. If I can help someone else organize their thoughts or find stats and resources, then I am happy. I wish I could have done more, but I can't continue to live a double life, and especially a double life within the double life.

My political views have mostly not changed, but it's easier to live day-to-day now. I roll my eyes when someone talks about le ebil radfems. I could tell them stories about what radfems really are like - a very diverse group of women concerned with misogyny, with a radical framework. But they wouldn't want to listen. Their loss. I will keep centering women anyway.

If you would like to contact me for whatever reason, feel free to DM me, though I can't promise I'll reply quickly. I'll log in every now and then.

Thank you for reading, and best wishes for the future.

EDIT: oh yeah, I was also retraumatizing myself by constantly exposing myself to misogyny, violence against women, and the mistreatment of gnc and autistic women. I went through a pretty dark period because of it. It was not at all sustainable. I don't blame anyone for this except myself, as I failed to curate my own experience, but this political work inevitably requires seeing that material. I can't do it anymore.

[spiderfreedom]

[spiderfreedom]

can lesbians* be bisexual?

yes

yes, it means they're trans-inclusive

no

only if they're nonbinary or genderfluid

only if they're using the split attraction model

*someone who currently identifies as a lesbian. not counting people who realized they were bi after initially identifying as lesbian

[spiderfreedom]

“A feminist perspective recognizes that the hierarchical organizing of the world around gender is key to maintaining social order.” ― Nivedita Menon

[spiderfreedom]

it’s like they almost get it

[spiderfreedom]

(x) “Money wives” aka culturally accepted sexual slavery of girls as young as 5-14 years in Cross Rivers State, Nigeria

[spiderfreedom]

Are you mtf ?

I am not. I am female and except for a few months where I tried out non-binary identity, have never had a cross-gender identity.

I’m not sure what the context of this question is. I do know many MTF (and a few FTM) people in real life and digitally, which has shaped my politics. Many of my MTF acquaintances struggle with homelessness and employment discrimination (due to their gender presentation) that keeps them trapped in a cycle of poverty, for example. As someone interested in the broader project of social justice, I am of course interested in solving that problem.

I’m not sure why you thought I was MTF, but I hope that answers your question.

[spiderfreedom]

[spiderfreedom]

Girl on a beach in Oahu, Hawaii, 1973. Photo by Nick DeWolf

[spiderfreedom]

I hate that I've never been able to casually connect with most women I meet because I really don't relate to all the rituals of femininity, which have become one of the main things women bond over. I'm in no way masculine, but I've always felt so out of place and unwelcome when I find myself with a group of women that start talking about makeup or fashion or anything like that. I'm not trying to belittle these women at all but the fact that beauty rituals have become a casual thing for women to bond over makes it really isolating to be a woman who doesn't do any of that. And it gets worse when people describe "girlhood" and womanhood to be about these rituals. If I believed in gender this isolating feeling would definitely make me question if I was even a woman at all, and that is kinda tragic. I feel like the fight against gender roles is moving backwards.

[spiderfreedom]

[spiderfreedom]

[spiderfreedom]

It's crazy seeing how it starts in cartoons aimed at children. With teenage characters and even pre-teens. You just learn that your greatest power as a female person is not your mind, your strength, your will, not even your compassion, but your body. The one thing women have that men don't is a female body, and so that's the "feminine" advantage. "Feminine wiles" means bartering your sexuality.

Even things that are non-sexual like batting your eyes and pursing your lips... little boys grow out of that quickly because 'cuteness' isn't valued for them. It doesn't do an older boy or a teenage boy much to play into being 'cute' because that's not what male people are expected to be valued for. But 'cuteness' and 'sexiness' are desired in female people.

Anyway watch the video, it's short but got some good examples. I'm sure there's an endless list of examples of female people in cartoons and other children's media using their body to get what they need.

One of the most harmful parts of girlhood is how we learn to use our bodies as currency.

Small smiles, clasped hands, and batted eyes gain us capital. We’re rewarded. We are allowed a snack or extra time outside if we agree to hug our caretakers. Our parents promise us dessert if we allow the great aunt to kiss us on the cheek. We begin to learn. And we grow a little and then it’s touching a male classmate on the elbow to convince him to help you on a question instead of ignore you, or making downcast eyes at a male teacher to ask sweetly for the bathroom pass so you’re more likely to have your bodily functions believed.

Then we age more and it’s low cut shirts so the cashier at the theater doesn’t check to see if you’re 17, and doing sex acts with your first boyfriend before you’re ready because you know if you don’t some other girl will and you know the more you do the longer he’ll stay.

It’s seeing TV shows and movies where the female spy/superhero/Jane Doe has to seduce the villain for information/entry/survival. It’s seeing TV shows and movies where if the man pursues you long enough/the hero saves your life/the outcast proves his worth then he deserves a kiss/taken to the bedroom/your hand in marriage. It’s the good and the bad guys having access to female bodies, your body, for different reasons. Its learning that you can use your female form to reward or deny, like it’s a sweet treat and not the thing you reside in, you yourself.

And this mentality, this commodification of our physical selves, its damaging. It warps how we view ourselves and our interactions with the world. It puts a “for sale” sign on us, and it says we can be bought, and we are left scrambling to set the price.

[spiderfreedom]

Why is it so important to so many people to gender everything? Do Natasha and Sierra Metzger lack the verbal intelligence and knowledge to come up with more profound or witty observations about cooking and baking? Are they so conceptually impoverished that the only language they have to compare and contrast things is "masculine" and "feminine"? How can we call these people out not just for their brazen sexism and historical ignorance, but for their utter lack of creativity and dull reliance on one of the most overdone binary comparisons in all of human history?

[spiderfreedom]

This is another example of projection. Men are the ones who join hobbies to meet women. Men start playing instruments, writing poetry, and going to ballet classes with the purpose of meeting women and appearing sexually attractive to them. This is common advice to straight men who want to meet women - find female dominated classes/hobbies and join them. Find hobbies women think are hot and join them.

Notice that despite this, men who start playing in bands to “get chicks” are never derided as fake music fans. They are instead celebrated for the music they end up making. Maybe even their horniness is celebrated in a sly “you old dog” way.

Meanwhile it is way less common for women to enter hobbies to attract men. Women don’t go to all male classes to meet men (because being the only woman is unpleasant). Straight women don’t give each other tips about joining computer clubs or shop class to find boys. When women do enter hobbies for dating, it’s more aimed at attracting a specific guy and less about “meeting men” en masse.

But none of this matters. Getting into a hobby, even for the purpose of attracting a mate, is fine, because hobbies are not sacred. If you end up enjoying it in the end, does it matter if you started it to find a boy/girl? No, not really. Picking up hobbies because of your partner/friend is normal and a common way to find new interests. This is yet another tired excuse to mock women (literally dating back to Schopenhauer) but exalt men (the Beatles started as a way to get money and girls, not for the art).