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As a woman, I am so proud of her

As a daughter I grieve the ways it could have been different

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I learned to live alone, only sharing the prettier parts of me

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I don’t wanna die but I don’t wanna live like this

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I struggle with my age

I either feel juvenile or tremendously old

As if my number of year is a shape

I never know how to fill, I just overflow

Unsure how to ever fill the mold

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Antidepressants

Mind racing

Body shaking

Face frozen

Eyes fearful but empty

Lips trembling

Forgetting to breathe

And then…

Nothing

The anxiety gets lost somewhere between my mind and my bones

And I

I sit

Trapped in my own skin

Waiting for the storm to pass

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Everybody’s pain is different

I can understand that

But what about the violent vivid intrusive thoughts of ending myself?

But what about anxious feeling, so persistent, that the only way to get a break from it, is to cause my self harm?

The starvation

The stimulants

The lack of sleep

The overcompensating

The only rational way to explain, not breaking down, is rage.

I am so angry

In times of trouble I cling to what I know, rage.

I grew up in a house filled with rage

Feeling like no one understands, just how fiercely I’ve fought to stay alive?

my mother is guilt-tripping me for not doing more?

And also her only praising me for taking things well?

Taking things well? Sure?

The selfdestructive violence in my mind, tells a different story

I am on a ledge

And not sure why or how to stay?

No one sees it…

I am covering it up pretty well

I can’t burden anyone with this

Now’s not the right time

I don’t think there ever will be a right time

I’ve accepted the fact that there’s no place for someone like me to be whole

And someday

I’ll collapse

From being poisoned

By their words or my own ?

From their expectations or I’ll drown ?

I won’t live for long…

I am sure, that I will die young

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Existence

Bonecrushing

As I wake

Battered

Restart

From precocious to decline

Burnout

As I retire

My mind won’t turn off

By the weight of living

I nearly drown

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I am not sure what to do

I did not think I would live this long

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My sadness is always simmering on the back burner

Not yet urgent, but persistent

Slowly tainting everything

Clinging to every surface

Like the lingering smell of something burning

All of a sudden it is everywhere

Sticking to every part of me

Even in feelings of joy, it finds it’s way in

Like in a gust of wind carrying a scent of nostalgia

Bringing me back to my default settings

Forcing me to recolonize that though I have a cheerful personality, I also have a deeply melancholic soul

Like the weather phenomenon, where to one side of the house the rain is pouring down

and on other side the sun is shining

Similar to my contradicting states of existence

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She would have made such a lovely bride

“What a shame she is fucked in the head”

They said

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The chaotic quiet surrounding me is unbearable

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I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on purpose. This place made me feel worthless

#ihateithere

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And I sound like an infant

Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen

A greater woman stays cool

But I howl like a wolf at the moon

And I look unstable

Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table

A greater woman has faith

But even statues crumble if they're made to wait

I'm so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay

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The anxiety coursing though me echoes, and it

feels like my body is screaming internally

The scream is trapped between my bones and flesh

I cannot break free

While my body shakes

My skin burns

My mouth goes dry

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I think that if I had a villain origin story, it would be that I have become so skilled at surviving, that I don’t know how to live

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I want to be enough

In all the ways that matter

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I vow

I vow to honor her colors

The ones she was told to dim

To listen when she’s quiet

And be patient when she’s loud

I vow to give her a home

Where she can live with everything that’s she is

No repercussions of who she should be or of where she belongs

I vow to keep her safe

The little girl that lives inside me

The crinkles by her eyes as she laughs

All the light she was taught to dim, will light up our living room like old drippy candles

And her laughter will echo and fill our hallways

To remind us, that the sound of joy should always flow freely

I will cherish all of the things about her that was deemed unloveable