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So I've confided in a friend of mine I really admire, like and want to be around a story that I know revealed to them my biggest flaws, such as my lack of empathy, my carelessness/recklessness, my immaturity, selfishness, and cynicism. I did this because not only do I want to be as honest as possible with them, but I also have enough respect for this person that I want to give them a warning about the kind of person I am so they can make the decision for themselves if they would like to continue spending their time and love on me. I have never done this before. I am used to concealing the shameful parts of myself from people I look up to, but there is something so kind hearted and real about this person that I refuse to deceive them, even if that means sacrificing their perception of me. I recognize this is a good thing to be doing, because it's the bare minimum and this is how regular people treat each other: being open about each other's flaws instead of picking which qualities to push forward in the attempt of creating a desirable character. I have just been that twisted of a person all my life until I met this person, who is so real to me and so deserving of truth that I no longer care if people know the most real and most exposed version of me. I don't want to waste people's time by being an exaggerated caricature I created for the sole purpose of making them like me. I want people to know me at my absolute worst so they can choose by their own will, not by my manipulation, if and how they want me in their lives.

I want to be a good person. I want to tell the person who was the catalyst in this realization that they've given me the motivation to change. But I can't say for sure they will even have any respect for me now that they know my most inhuman intentions. They know me better than my closest friends, because they are the only person I've ever even considered telling. If they want nothing to do with me after this, it's well-deserved karma. Just like the shame I feel from the knowledge that this person, whom I admire so much, knows my weakest, most embarrassing and deepest regrets.

It takes me very very little to empathize with someone and grow a savior complex around them. A person can say something as simple as "I have been unhappy for a while" and it will instantly make them my priority. This trait of mine, trying to be the light at the end of the tunnel for so many people, has caused more problems than it's solved. Sometimes people I do this to will get overwhelmed by how often I check in with them and they will pull back, sometimes they will force themselves to talk to me just because I care about them, sometimes they will genuinely view me as helpful and kind and I will become their primary emotional support, which will in turn overwhelm me and drain my mental health. There is no good outcome to this habit I've developed, and I don't know why I do it. I don't know if it's because I'm simply a very empathetic person and genuinely want to see these people happy, or if it's because I feel guilty otherwise and I feel obligated to help, or if it's because I want these people to like me and have a good impression of me. Probably all of these reasons. But I am so emotionally drained every time this happens

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I'm not afraid of dying, just dying early like most people. But like I think I'd rather die than get to age like 60

I do wanna die someday and I don't really get why so many people focus so much on life expectancy, like "oh I wanna live to age 100" like you won't be able to do much by then. And death itself isn't even that scary if you have nothing left you wanna do and you don't die with regrets

I also don't get why people are afraid to be forgotten. Like for one they won't be alive to care, but for another I feel like it's comforting yk to know that you can fuck up as much as you want and it won't matter cus nobody will remember. I get why it's scary to have all your accomplishments and stuff being forgotten but why is it so important that people you'll never meet know those things about you? Doesn't matter how much you try to stay alive or perpetuate your legacy cus it'll just fade with time like everything else. That's scary for some people to think about but it's relieving for a lot of them too

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whhyyyhdfkv why don't I ever see people talk about how awful embarrassment and shame are as emotions I hate having anxiety disorder

Social anxiety and an incapability to behave normally is one thing and the complete awareness of it and watching yourself fuck up is another. Embarrassment is a type of anxiety that probably wastes the most of my time

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I am such a hateful unforgiving person i don't think I deserve to be around other people

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I don't actually know if this is other people's mindset but I'm pretty certain it is, anyway I don't consider myself a happy person really but I still see immense value in living, just not the life I have specifically. I don't feel resentment for society and I don't hate successful or happy people (as many of my friends do, which is why I don't actually know the opinion of the majority). I think people are all beautiful and life isn't a burden cus they're witty and hopeful and ambitious and charming because of that. But I can't apply that love for humanity and existence to my own life for whatever reason which makes me both a hypocrite and a hopeless fantasist

I just thought it was odd listening to my friends talk about how cynical and depraved humanity is. I'm aware of the evil in the world but there's still a lot of love there that makes actually bad people a minority in my eyes, it's just that those terrible people tend to be the loudest and boldest. I like to think most people are trying to be good people, and it's the small number of bad people that fail them. But maybe that's ignorant for me to say as someone fortunate enough to be removed from those bad people

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Osamu Dazai had the right idea writing a semi autobiography cus it's defining your own feelings in a way that feels like a hobby instead of just writing a diary. Diaries are annoying to write btw no idea how people get into those cus for me it always felt like trying to write for an imaginary audience and then it lost the charm of being an outlet of any kind. Putting those feelings into a fictional character is a lot easier and a lot more rewarding because you can love that character in a way you can't do for yourself. They're a piece of you and not you and you can do whatever you want with them instead of being limited by your personal experiences to get a point across

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I'm so excited to become a person

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me when i willingly do something that i know for a fact will be looked upon with absolute shame and disgust by my future self and will definitely be a huge source of regret in my life

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unfilled yet craving things i know are still unfulfilling

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I think I'm evil ٩( ᐛ )و

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It takes me very very little to empathize with someone and grow a savior complex around them. A person can say something as simple as "I have been unhappy for a while" and it will instantly make them my priority. This trait of mine, trying to be the light at the end of the tunnel for so many people, has caused more problems than it's solved. Sometimes people I do this to will get overwhelmed by how often I check in with them and they will pull back, sometimes they will force themselves to talk to me just because I care about them, sometimes they will genuinely view me as helpful and kind and I will become their primary emotional support, which will in turn overwhelm me and drain my mental health. There is no good outcome to this habit I've developed, and I don't know why I do it. I don't know if it's because I'm simply a very empathetic person and genuinely want to see these people happy, or if it's because I feel guilty otherwise and I feel obligated to help, or if it's because I want these people to like me and have a good impression of me. Probably all of these reasons. But I am so emotionally drained every time this happens

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I need to get out of this evil twitter mentality that makes me care about completely pointless things

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I think it's funny when people complain about their records sounding noisy or static-y because to me that's like half the charm of analog music. If you hate your vinyl then you can listen to the exact same music at way higher quality online for free. I don't collect tapes and records expecting them to sound perfect, I collect them because i love the flaws of analog music. If the record skips I get it, I wouldn't play that record either, but the pops and background noise don't matter to me. My record player is also broken and plays them slightly too slow which is yeah annoying but it's not supposed to sound perfect. Anyway done with the most pretentious pointless post ever

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muse is good

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i cut my bangs recently and i love shaking my head cus then they swing back and forth and its very entertaining but they make me look straight which annoys me i need to find a way to look more lesbian

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why is this on my tl like i agree with it

why do feminists prioritize hating men over supporting each other? whats the point

people have such weird priorities

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I wonder why nobody discusses the connection between stylized art styles and beauty standards for faces. Most people's art styles, admittedly including mine, are stylized to be centered around existing beauty standards. Big eyes clear skin small noses are all like the most common features of people's art styles and it's the expectation unless intentionally trying to deviate from that. I think anime can be blamed for the majority of this but i just think it's odd to never see this discussion when for most stylized art styles I've seen, everyone drawn generic is still attractive