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DONT PLAY YOURSELF

I found myself questioning things based not only on how I see myself but also based on how others may see me. Now let me just make this clear: I’m not so much concerned about how everyone views me as much as I take to heart how the people I care about, or look up to ... view me. I think that I spent a lot of time trying to measure up to a level that was almost unrealistic, because the expectation wasn't of my own. DON’T PLAY YOURSELF. I learned that I actually have no desire to be what or who other people want me to be, nor do I give a damn who they think I should be based on the color of my skin, where I’ve come from, where I’m going, where I went to college, who my parents are, what my hair looks like and what ever other bullshit people come up with... DON’T PLAY YOURSELF. I am happy, full, content and enjoying the skin I’m in! I have nothing to prove Just more love to give, lessons to learn and positive light to spread, so join me or leave me ( and if you're leaving please don't let the door hit yaaaa .. where the good lord split yaaaaaaa!). I might never be enough for some but I’m a hell of a lot more than enough for myself. and THAT MY FRIENDS is all I NEEE :) DON’T PLAY YOURSELF

What’s the lesson here you ask :)

(I’m so glad you asked .. I thought you never would!)

So I’m saying all of this to suggest that YOU, I, WE DON’T PLAY OURSELVES into trying to live up to anyones expectation but our own. We are powerful, smart, strong, beautiful, and full of life, energy, and spirit we need to conquer all things! It takes but one thing .... trust. Trust in ourselves, in our purpose, in our process and in our progress. My dears never play yourselves <3

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Truth is ..

I love to share my experiences thoughts and ideas to people as insight. You truly never know how much you are helping someone with your genuine advice. That’s part of the reason I’ve started this blog

But truth is.. I’m still learning so much. I love helping people but I myself have a lot to unfold on my own journey. I used to feel damaged, live through fears of the unknown & constant doubt. As I continue to grow I’ve learned that is NOT at all the life to live.. in fact that lifestyle is straining to ones growth and essentially ones happiness. It takes a lot of deep thoughts, space, meditation, prayer, harmonyum, and of course one on ones with myself for me to grow out of that trap. As I step into myself … into womanhood, I can only be grateful for all of my opportunities and everything I’ve learned, the people I love and have loved and those who have taught and continue to teach me how to love unconditionally regardless of circumstances.

I am not damaged. I’m resilient, strong, and full of this will power that has given me the energy to pursue my dreams not matter how many constraints it may put on my life, no matter the time, the price, the stress, the doubt.. my roots are deep into my passions. Endurance. Patience. Discernment. These lessons have come though so many shapes and forms, they still never cease to amaze, but I’ve learned to embrace the lessons

Truth is this is the most happy I’ve ever been in my life and I want to share this happiness. I want to share with people how to make themselves happy and with those who relate to ‘not being perfect,’ making mistakes, learning from them, being young, silly, reckless, smart, beautiful, and occasionally some fun hair tips for extra curly swirly hair like mine💁🏽. Truth is… I’m here for all of it and I’m happy, blessed and humbled to share it

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Can’t keep trying for better results while continuing to make the same mistakes, or poor choices.. now that’s just insanity. Life is an amazing learning tool. I feel like the time I’ve spent with myself and single within the “dating pool” I’ve begun to notice how low my standard was. This lead me to the conclusion that I might not be considering how highly I think of myself and my expectations while dating, thus all these guys fail out of the 1st round. The truth behind the story is people show you who they are early on and it’s up to you to catch it and decide how or if you want to move forward. With that said knowing what my expectations are and settling for anything less than that off rip … just isn’t a thing anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I’m perfect and that I’m expecting the perfect man, you guys know me better than that – maybe you don’t lol, but you will if you continue reading my blog 💁🏽 – but I think it’s more than okay to have a standard and not accept certain things that do not meet that standard … some of this shit is just unacceptable truthfully and doesn’t need to be tolerated. Shoot in a perfect world, not tolerating people’s bullshit would essentially force them to be better and figure how to navigate around what is “acceptable” …. but that’s a whole different thing… and not everyone is willing to do that and that is OKAY! I’m still a strong believer in love and finding your soulmate💕 I think spending this time single and getting to know myself more as well as understanding my standards and what I truly want in a partner and the man I’d want to spend life with is all apart of the process in preparing me for this man… cus girl I am not ready lol I’m enjoying this time and learning so much it’ll definitely be great to settle down when the time is right but until then let’s live life lovely 🤗😘 Don’t be afraid to have standards! Be realistic with yourself and your expectations! Learn how you want to be loved by loving yourself all ways always! Be gentle with yourself through the learning and dating process (it’s certainly something to experience lol) and last of all be excited to fall in love with the man of your dreams he’s out there for you !!!!!!!

[spoonfullofsugaa-blog1]

" working, working, working, ain't yaaa? You don't have no time to lay up? You just wanna be somebody.. before you say you need somebody; get all your affairs in order -- I won't have affairs I'm yours girl, faithful, faithful, faithful, faithful"

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Catchin’ these blessings with SOUL<3

The last semester was super tough for me. Lets just say .. I’m not a physicist, and I’m okay with that, who likes that stuff anyways lol. Working with school is NO JOKE. I was able to do it during undergrad EFFORTLESSLY, maintaining several jobs, but these premed classes are NO JOKE. Not to mention, my job isn’t the easiest setting to be in. Needless to say I was BLESSED to spend the some of the break with my family in Antigua for the holidays. I tell you theres nothing like Christmas in the Caribbean. I spent a lot of the time connecting with myself, writing, praying, reflecting, and regrouping. I felt like I wasn’t feeding my soul or treating myself well throughout the semester I wasn’t dedicating enough time to me, how could I expect to perform well if I don’t take care of myself? That’s just not a thing, it doesn’t quite work that way. I enjoyed the trip.

I prayed to get a new job, something that wasn’t so demanding something that was flexible and had good energy. I was specific, I asked God for what I wanted and when I wanted it. I asked that if he saw it fit that i was granted the opportunity that I may have it. I applied EVERYWHERE. I started to worry that I wasn’t going to find a new job and I wasn’t going to be able to get more study time this semester, but I stayed faithful! He delivered. I was blessed. I start a new job mid-February! What did I learn here? Ask God for what you want, and work hard to put your steps in the right direction, he’ll do the rest. I so excited to start!

Here I am, about to start a new job, much lighter workload, much easier going, and way better energy <3 Exactly what i asked for and here it is ...the streak a FEAR. I wouldn’t be myself if i wasn’t scared *rolls eyes*. As much as I want this, as much as I need this, I can’t help but fear the unknown. Working less and being compensated less ... my lifestyle is about to change. Am I ready for that? HELL NO, but I’m sacrificing for my future, for my career, for my passion. 

So what do I do? I pray of course, I of course thanked God for giving me this life, and this new chapter, and i asked that he guides my steps in this part of my journey. I asked that he make me a better saver, help me to hold on to what I can, keep me grounded humble and have enough strength to make it through the semester with self love self care and much more time to study. I also prayed for peace of mind to strengthen my spirit, because I am resilient and God did not give me a spirit of fear.  

Turns out my old job isn’t equipped to let me go so soon ( I did give them two weeks, but they’ll need more time to find someone to take my place), what this means is, I will still be giving them some time during the week for a day or two for a few hours for the month of February as a favor to them, and to line my bank account some. It’s going to be intense for my schedule I think, but the few days during the week will certainly help me make up some more money to save before I leave them for good and prepare for my summer trip to Spain. Luckily school doesn’t get super intense until March/April. As long as I stay on top of my work everything should move smoothly. I’m trusting the process. This is another blessing.

Right now I’m thankful. I’m ready for the days to come. I’m ready to work hard, to be on my A game and to kill it this semester. 

Thank You God! 

[spoonfullofsugaa-blog1]

A Dogs Purpose:

For me it was almost therapeutic. There’s something special about pets that only pet owners can understand and that is that animals have the gift of loving utterly unconditionally. They also have the ability to open you to love in a new way. Their spirits connect to us in a manner that is almost of that of a soul mate.

Bailey, literally bridged the gap for me in my house. Living at home with my parents after living on my own through college is …. let’s just call it, different– maybe even humbling? Bailey was my buddy, he was my way to remove myself from the growing pains myself and my parents battle with each other far to often. He was my hobby, my reason to get outside and enjoy the sunlight even when I felt like I didn’t want too.. the expected happy to see you face always waiting for me after the longest of days. We didn’t talk school, work, money, boys lol but even when we did he was a great listener! He kept me grounded, patient, he was always loyal & never hesitated to let me know when his water bowl needed some lovin’ lol Bailey was more than just a pet.

Although I’d adopted Bailey when he was a year old he’d entered my family with all his silly puppy tendencies 🐶. When I first discussed bringing a dog into my home with my parents it was a strong no go. However after everyone’s first encounter with Bailey, who at the time was “Ramon” (the name they’d given him at the shelter lol how awful… sorry to all the Ramon’s out there the name just didn’t suit him!) there was no denying him into our home. I was so scared at first! I literally called my best friend and cried to her on the phone that I’d maybe not have been ready to take on such a huge responsibility but she reassured me that I was more than qualified to be a fabulous dog mom, & with her being a dog owner herself I trusted her advice.

He was hilarious in the beginning we were both newbies to the game of owner vs puppy lol. Day one he was brought in and taken to a groomer, so handsome after his bath and hair cut! I brought him home and laid his bed out for him…. where do you think that man slept? He jumped right into my bed, made himself comfortable and snuggled up next to me. Training a dog is no joke, especially considering Bailey had come from a shelter… I had no idea of his previous history. Nevertheless, Bailey is a smart young man, he catches on quickly; the real issue I faced was that when I wasn’t home to reinforce some of the important things, my parents wouldn’t really pick up the slack … “he’s too cute,” was my mom’s favorite excuse for all the extra treats lol. Eventually they caught on and we built some routines with him, it was pretty good.

He and my dad became best buds quicker than I could have EVER imagined. Now let me tell y'all something about my dad, this man does not believe in dogs living inside the house. He’s is an island man who stands by the notion that animals live outside while we humans occupy the indoors. So you can imagine my dad wanted no parts in taking care of Mr. Bailey … that didn’t last too long, before you knew it my dad was sending me funny pics and videos of he and bailey spending time together… I guess they connected on the basis that they were the only two men in the house lol. Bailey and my dad went on walks together, had special commands only they knew, and literally had a bond that was different than any other.. it was really sweet.

After long days at work, at school, or just from life in general it was always refreshing to come home to that love. It’s always expected, always energetic, that “always happy to see you” love. I’ll never take that love for granted I’m blessed to have experienced it in my lifetime. Don’t get me wrong okay, Bailey wasn’t the perfect dog, we had our moments, days, etc. but I wouldn’t have traded any of it.

Part of Baileys purpose in my life was for patience. He literally gave me no other choice but to have patience, and in return he gave me love, peace, and joy. Three things in enjoy very much. He was also a reality check that I might not actually be ready to be fully responsible for another life, my parents were such a great help with him when I had school or had to study all night into the morning & work. They really helped me with him so much and I definitely appreciated that.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt like hell to let him go. I literally spent nights alone in bed crying because I felt so alone without him, but it was something I had to do. I couldn’t manage taking care of him along with all of the other important things I had to do, and I didn’t want to stress my parents out anymore with him becoming their responsibility. It is also very expensive to keep a pet … let me rephrase that, a HEALTHY pet… VET BILLS ARE NOT A JOKE !! I couldn’t afford it alone, and with all my parents do for me I hated putting the expense on them.

It is a tough tough tough thing to come to terms with. I’m still very choked up about it, and it kicks in randomly, sometimes in the mornings or late at nights… sometimes when I’m coming into the house expecting him to greet me with some lovinnnn’… even when I’m occupied at work, I think about him, and I miss him so much.

Luckily I was able to give him to the best little princess ever, my niece Savannah, who is SO smart and so prepared to take my place in being Bailey’s doggie mommy. My niece is so much like me sometimes it scares me, she’s also wanted a dog for a long time and was promised one for her 10th birthday. When she turned 10 my brother was ready to look into adopting. I wasn’t ready to give Bailey up although it was part of the plan that when I went to medical school Savannah and AJ (my nephew) would take Bailey… welp.. there was no waiting if they didn’t get Bailey, they were going to adopt another dog, which might’ve left Bailey out of that picture. It took me a lot of praying and talking to myself about it & getting that month long internship in Spain for the summer. Because I knew I would have less time to be with him in the next coming months to Year, then I’d be applying to med school and eventually studying elsewhere…I knew this was something I had to do.

He is happy, my niece and nephew are happy, he’s in a great place & I’m glad I was able to keep him in the family. I can’t help to to miss him every day more and more but I know that feeling won’t be so bad as time goes on… right? … I hope so at least…

Don’t take for granted the love your pet gives you, their purpose is so deeply correlated to the love that feeds our souls, it’s a beautiful thing💕

[spoonfullofsugaa-blog1]

The hardest part of the process is trusting the process ..

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Things to leave behind in 2016!

This year is coming to an end and its been an interesting year to say the least. Nevertheless, we made it through another year with new lessons learned, new experiences, maybe new friendships or relationships, and maybe even have completed some goals. It’s also alright is none of those things happened for you this year, because guess what? We have a whole new 365 days which means 365 more chances to make your life what you want it to be. 

With that said, I think a conversation is in order... lets discuss some things we need to leave behind in this year as we flourish into and throughout the next year!

Fear: The truth is fear is a very controlling emotion. Living in fear however can hinder our growth, acting on fear can also cause us to do or say things that we might not actually mean or feel. For 2017 lets strive to be fearless. Do not let fear stop you from doing or living. You can do anything you think you can, that is a fact. The universe is set up for us to receive what we need when we need it, this is actually called “physics” for some, for me (who actually hated physics lol) I like to call it the law of attraction ... & with that said, through a fearful heart we block our blessings. Do Not Let Fear Control You.

Insecurity: Most of us battle with some form of insecurity regularly, thats a normal thing. Whether its something physical, emotional, or even mental we all have insecurities we face that have a tendency to destroy how we see ourselves. Listen.. they might not ever go away, okay & I’m not going to sugar coat that for any of us, I deal with it all the time also. But, for 2017 we have to want something different. These insecurities need to either go away or fit into my everyday because I will not let them get in the way of what I want or need this year and you shouldn't either. Believe in you, believe in what you want and what you can do this year take care of YOU first. It’s okay to  deal with these insecurities but lets not let them be our guiding light we are stronger than them and we are captains of our ship. PERIOD. 

Past Mistakes: Okay, lets picture your life in 2017. The way you want it to be (be vivid in this picture, so if you picture your life making more money, traveling more, making different friends, getting better grades or a better job etc. see all of those things, picture them and feel the feeling of how good it is to have what you want)... take a second to do that .... maybe like 8 seconds .... done? How good was that?? No where in there were any of your screw ups .. no where in there did we have to recall on our past mistakes or make up for them .. LET IT GO. Listen, our past is important, it’s mostly what we need to learn how to be who we want to be, or who we are, or are becoming .. it builds our character and shows us the road we’ll take on our journey.. but holding on to the guilt of these past mistakes becomes a heavy burden to carry. I’ve been trying this new thing, Reflect, Regroup and Redirect (I made this up so ... just bear with me lol). Reflect on your experience (what ever that past mistake is), and Regroup from those feelings of discomfort, understand that whats done is done and although it might not have been the ideal situation there is space for growth and understanding from this experience .. look for some good in the mistake, what did you learn? and finally, Redirect! Redirect yourself into changing that negative into a positive! Maybe set new goals, try new methods, attempt at new heights, change your expectations and redirect your steps into a prosperous outcome you deserve it! We all make mistakes, in fact I’ve recently been trying to see my mistakes as a blessing because without them I probably wouldn't know most of the things I do, & you wouldn't either!

Negative Circles: Nothing is more important than your space. You have to protect it, nourish it, and keep it healthy for you.. which means not everyone needs to be involved in it or even allowed in it. For this you need to be a little selfish and understand that not everyone is for you, and that is okay. Protect your positive energy and positive space by cleansing yourself and your circle ever so often. Remove those who are using you, taking advantage of your love, time or energy, and those who don’t bring the absolute best out in you. They might be taking more from you than you actually know ... this doesn't always mean friends, it can be family, it can be your boy or girl - friend it can be anyone... evaluate your circles & learn how to deal with or get rid of those who are no good for you. 

2017 is here for all of us... get exactly what you want and need from this year. You DESERVE it and nothing less. Although 2016 has been a bumpy road for me, I decided to make it my business to take my lessons learned into 2017 and be the best me I can. We CAN do this! Be ready, thankful, graceful and humble and accept your blessings<3 

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the moon, so pretty in pink <3

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You have to give your spirit what it needs. If your spirit requests space, take the space it asks. If it’s love your spirit craves, give your self the love your deserve, if your spirit needs you to dance in the rain, hell you better shake it like a salt shaker! Feed your spirit what it needs! 

(video taken in Antigua at the beach, on a nighttime stroll; one of my happiest places) 

My spirit is constantly asking for space and positivity. 

She wants constant good energy which we all know is hard to come by on a typical day to day.. with work, school, friendships, relationships and everything else that comes into play it can be easy to fall off or abandon ship into the sea of negativity. Nevertheless, my spirit needs me to give her that boost, that pep talk, that love .. the pick me up when it seems like everything can and will go wrong. I answer her in that way, I try my hardest to give her that. 

When my spirit asks for space I take space .. and I write, my feelings, my thought, my goals, my dreams. Others may take space and sing, or dance, or play an instrument, maybe even take some space at the gym? All are activities that can allow you and your spirit to connect as you gain a natural high from what ever it is you enjoy doing alone. Sometimes being by myself is the best company I could ask for .. this is BIG coming from a naturally social butterfly, but if my spirit needs it, I need to fill her desires because this vessel (my body) that she is living in cannot function completely if she is not fulfilled. 

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Beauty

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I’m damaged, insecure, and sometimes I lack self assurance; but I’m learning to be okay with just being and trusting that the good will always outweigh the bad; I fulfill my happiness the best, I’m captain of this ship! & although the struggle gets real ever so often, my cup is never half empty. I’m thankful for this life and I will make the best of it through many accomplishments. I choose me.

[spoonfullofsugaa-blog1]

✨ I am who I am, and the more I get to know her, the more in love I become 👑