spr1ngy1081

[spr1ngy1081]

I wrote a story, or well chapter 1 of a story and would like some criticism and opinions on it so far

Concept: Malachi and Kara are our main protagonists, Malachi is more of the chill, sarcastic type person while Kara is more loud destructive and chaotic. The premise goes: Malachi is a demon living in the human world trying to have a normal life til Kara (another demon) tries to steal from his fathers restaurant, from that point forward his life got more and more chaotic, then comes wraith, wraith is the villain of this story and he is a fallen angel whose goal is to enslave all demons and turn humans into his soldiers, and Malachi and Kara fight back against him. Anyway here’s chapter 1 of my story currently called “Angels Hell”

CHAPTER 1

“Malachi! MALACHI, WAKE UP!” *Malachi’s father, Jasper slams his hands on the counter, jolting him awake in an instant

“Wha- huh!? I-I’m up!” *Malachi stammered, still a bit groggy from his sudden awakening. Jasper’s expression showed a mix of anger and concern, concerned about his sons lack of sleep*

“…Just pack your stuff up and head home. I can take it from here,” *Jasper instructed his tone indication a mix of reassurance and sternness*

“You sure..?” *Malachi questioned, looking for confirmation*

“Positive. Now go” *Jasper affirmed, reluctantly Malachi made his way to the back to gather his things*

As Malachi gathered his belongings, a mysterious hooded figure silently entered through the front door of the restaurant. She surveyed her surroundings, trying to get a sense of the place

“Hello, sir… ma’am? I can’t tell; you kinda have a hood on. It’s really hard to make out any of your features. Would you, uhh, like a place to sit?” *Jasper offered, attempting to be accommodating despite the figures suspicious disguise*

"That would be nice, sir," the figure responded, intentionally deepening her voice to conceal her identity. Jasper led her to a seat near the counter and went to fetch a menu. Meanwhile, the figure's eyes caught sight of Jasper's wallet, left unattended on the counter-a tempting opportunity for easy money.

"Don't mind if I just-" she mumbled to herself. swiftly snatching the wallet, unable to resist the temptation. "Yoink," she whispered, for some inexplicable reason, as if it were a necessary part of the act. She began rummaging through the wallet, searching for cash, when she sensed someone's presence behind her.

"I don't think that's your wallet" a voice interrupted, causing her to freeze. Slowly turning around, she found herself face to face with Jasper, who had removed her hood, exposing her startled expression. She let out a loud gasp, caught off guard by his astuteness.

"You're not really good at hiding your voice either," Jasper remarked, his gaze firm. "Now, ma'am, either give me my money back and get the hell out of my restaurant, or l'I have to contact the police.”

At the mention of the police, panic surged through her veins. She attempted to make a swift escape, but Jasper quickly grabbed hold of her. "Running away isn't an option here," he insisted.

"YES, IT IS!" she exclaimed, desperation fueling her actions. In a daring move, she bit Jasper's hand, momentarily freeing herself. Remembering the restaurant's layout from a mental note she had taken earlier, she deduced that escaping through a vent would be her best chance. She sprinted towards the vent but found it just out of reach, causing her panic to escalate. She frantically searched for an alternative escape route and spotted what she believed to be an emergency exit, racing towards it with Jasper in pursuit. However, to her dismay, she accidentally locked herself in Malachi's bedroom.

"Oh, great!" she muttered in frustration, realizing she had trapped herself. With no way out, she felt entirely at a loss. Malachi heard her enter and assumed it was his father, he turns to look at what he believes is his father*

"Huh?" *Malachi's initial assumption shattered as he did a double take, realizing that the person in front of him was not his dad but a complete stranger.* "What are you doing in here?" he questioned, a mix of confusion and curiosity in his voice.

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your whole..." *Kara's voice trailed off as she made a random hand gesture,* "...thing."

Frowning, Malachi pressed for a more straightforward answer. "I asked what you're doing here."

"Oh, umm... well, I'm in a little... situation, a bit of a pickle, you know," Kara replied, her words laced with a hint of trepidation.

"Jeez, can you just talk instead of using all these little hints?" Malachi retorted, growing impatient.

Kara took a deep breath, realizing the need for clarity. "Okay, so... jeez, how do I put this in a way you'll understand... big guy... wants me dead."

"Why are you talking to me like I'm a baby? We look like the same age?" Malachi's confusion deepened.

"A really tall demon guy wants me dead for stealing his wallet," Kara explained, her voice tinged with urgency.

Malachi's eyes widened as realization dawned. "...Did his name tag say Jasper?"

"Uhh... yeah, I believe so," Kara confirmed.

"That's my father you're talking about, then," Malachi revealed, his tone filled with a mix of surprise and concern.

"FATHER!?" Kara exclaimed, her gaze fixated on him for a few seconds before resuming her search for an exit. "...I don't see the resemblance, honestly," she remarked, her eyes scanning the room.

"I think we look pretty similar, in my opinion," Malachi replied, a hint of self-consciousness in his voice.

"Well, one is way hotter," Kara blurted out, her words slipping without filter.

"Huh?" Malachi's eyebrows shot up in confusion, caught off guard by the unexpected comment.

"What?! Nothing!" Kara quickly backtracked, attempting to regain her composure amidst the tension of the situation.

*After a frantic search, she came to a startling realization—her only means of escape lay through the window, that Malachi was directly in-front of.* "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" *Without a moment's hesitation, she propelled herself towards him, crashing into his frame and propelling them both out of the window, hurtling into the abyss of a passing garbage truck.* "WHAT THE HELL!? What was that for? We could've plummeted to our deaths!" *Malachi frantically patted his body, relieved to find himself intact.* "Thank goodness we're still alive... but where in the hell have we ended up?"

"Ugh, it smells like straight trash!" Kara exclaimed, wrinkling her nose in disgust. As the garbage truck continued its bumpy journey, she couldn't bear the stench any longer. Jumping up, she desperately tried to brush off the clinging trash from her clothes. "Gross, gross, gross!" she squealed, swatting at the debris as if battling imaginary foes. Feeling frustrated, she decided to direct her blame towards Malachi. "Maybe if you had just let me leave-" Kara's words were abruptly interrupted. "Ugh, shut up!" Malachi retorted. "You're not the only one in this situation, you know? Stop being such a narcissist!" Kara paused, realizing the truth in his words. "You're right... let's just look for a way out," she reluctantly agreed.

"A way out? We're in a moving vehicle! We can't just leave. That stop was their last stop!" Malachi exclaimed, feeling trapped. As she searched amidst the trash, her eyes landed on a slightly broken sled. Curiosity piqued, she inquired about their location. Malachi explained that they were headed to the dump, which was situated atop a nearby hill. A mischievous smirk formed on Kara's face as she giggled. "Perfect! Now, I'm a good person, so I want to make sure you survive too. Just hold onto me, alright?" she insisted. Malachi, confused but compliant, wrapped his arms around her. "Hold on...?" he questioned. "Can you just hold onto me, please?" Kara requested. "Fine," Malachi conceded, placing his arms around her. "Now, hold on!" Kara shouted. With a firm grip on the sled, she leaped out of the garbage truck, with Malachi clinging tightly.

They began sliding down the steep hill, swerving left and right, narrowly avoiding oncoming traffic. "How are we going to survive without being hit?" Malachi anxiously asked. "I... I'm not sure. I didn't think this far!" Kara admitted, her voice filled with uncertainty. As they reached the top of a bridge above water, Malachi urgently instructed her to turn right. "Right? But that's off the bridge!" Kara protested. "Exactly!" Malachi replied. Understanding his plan, she swiftly turned right. They plunged off the side of the bridge, splashing into the water below. A moment of panic seized Malachi as he realized he couldn't swim.

Kara, noticing his distress, dove down to save him. With her quick thinking, she managed to rescue him and bring him to the shore. Exhausted, they lay there for a while, catching their breath. Suddenly, Malachi burst into laughter. "That was fun! Probably the most fun I've had in a few years!" he exclaimed. Kara chuckled, realizing the absurdity of their situation. "Right? We almost died! ... We almost died," she repeated, the gravity of the situation sinking in. Looking at Malachi, she asked, "Say, what's your name?" He replied, "Malachi." A warm smile spread across his face. Sitting up, Kara gently rested her head on Malachi's shoulder. "Malachi... I like that name," she admitted, letting out a laugh before teasing him playfully about his unique name.