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[ssa-hotchner-blog]

Aaron sat for a while in the silence, his gaze remaining steady. Even moreso than a moment ago he could see the difficulty Prentiss was having, but she was keeping her eyes locked on his regardless. He didn't know if it was so she could prove to herself that she could do it, or if it was to show him that she was making an effort to improve her attitude given her frustration, but Hotch decided to take it as a good sign. It wasn't an abnormal thing for her to keep eye contact during a conversation, but with one as tense and uncomfortable as this had been, it truly did say a lot about how hard she was trying. For a brief moment a flash of realization flashed over Emily's face, and once again, she seemed to be debating something. He remained silent, giving her the opportunity to address her thoughts if she felt the need, but she didn't. It honestly didn't surprise him. How many times during this conversation had he addressed the fact that none of them liked to share unless they really wanted to or it was absolutely necessary? Well, he'd beaten it over the head several times, to put it mildly. He was guilty of the same thing. There was so much that he'd noticed and was processing internally that he hadn't even considered sharing, not to mention the things that he had considered sharing. It was a neverending circle. Unless someone decided to share something that wasn't necessary, everyone would continue to hold back. Once one person did, it was sure to snowball. Everyone would learn to be more open with their feelings. There was always a debate internally if he should be the one to make the first move. He was the leader of the team, and he always felt a certain responsibility to take the initiative. Of course, in all the years he'd worked in the BAU, especially in the past few years where things had been incredibly difficult and secretive in his personal life, nothing had happened yet. He had yet to really open up, although he had to admit this conversation was making him seriously consider spilling all of his thoughts. Something stopped him, though. Maybe it was the fact that all of them were already carrying so much baggage. That was probably the reason none of them shared. It truly was just a problem that wouldn't go away unless someone acted, he thought, sighing. All of them were to reserved and stubborn for that to happen anytime soon, but only time would tell if it ever would. It was particularly interesting to Aaron that he was sharing as much as he was with Prentiss. It wasn't odd by any means, but most of his thoughts and fears were shared with Dave and no one else. Part of that was due to the fact that no one really pushed, and she was now. The rest were things that he hadn't shared with anyone yet. Things he wasn't sure if he would ever share. There was some small voice in the back of his mind that suggested that maybe, due to the level of comfort this conversation had reached, he should share some of it with Emily. Although this may have been a good idea, there were still so many doubts. She was struggling immensely, and it all came back to adding more stress. There was so much hypocrisy in that thought it almost made him speak up then and there, but there was still something stopping him. What exactly was there to share? What was relevant? There were more pressing problems than his welfare right now, weren't there? As much as she wanted to deny the fact and avoid it, the conversation had centered mostly on Prentiss. Should he draw some of that to himself to make her more comfortable, or did he force her into the fire so to speak, and continue avoiding the topic of himself and his feelings whenever they arose? Hotch took a small breath, and exhaled, shaking his head almost imperceptibly. Right now he just needed to let things unfold. There would be plenty of time for figuring out his own thoughts later on.

A quick flash of amusement flashed over Emily's face as Aaron watched her. He could only guess what had caused it, but it probably had to do with the silence, the fact that the two of them were trying to guess each others thoughts while avoiding talking about what was going on. Even though it was a problem that both of them had to find a way to deal with, he found the fact that there was at least some humor involved a sign of even a minimal amount of progress. He knew it was only a matter of time before things became serious again, but progress was progress. Almost immediately that proved to be true, and an air of something that almost seemed like panic settled around her as his words settled in. More silence followed, but it had reached a point where the silence was almost a peaceful thing. For the most part the tension was gone, or maybe he'd become so used to it over the past few minutes that it wasn't as noticeable. “Didn't I?” he replied, glancing down for a split second. “I was offered a simple deal, a way to save lives, and I didn't take it. It had nothing to do with anyone's reputation but my own. Chaunessy got away with it until he died. But that's the past. So is what happened with you,” Aaron said pausing as she held up her hand to speak. It was obvious this was something she earnestly believed, and there may have been truth to it, a lot of truth. He took a deep breath and, summoning the most comforting words he could, spoke. “Alright, you did help him. It was for the job, despite what you may believe. Undercover jobs are incredibly difficult. They require sacrifice. Moral, emotional, physical.... whatever type of sacrifice it is, it has to be made to get the job done. Like I said, though, Emily. It's in the past. You can't let it affect you now like this. I know it's difficult, but I know you can do it. I know you can move past this. It will take time, and it probably won't be easy, but you will be able to. We all do things we're not proud of, but if anything is justifiable in terms of sacrifice, that should be.” Aaron paused, gauging her reaction before speaking again. “Don't apologize. You don't have any reason to. I understand how you feel, and as much truth as there may be just... consider what I said,” he suggested, and watched her shift in her seat. Once again, he found himself wondering what Emily was thinking, but before he could wonder too much, she had asked her next question. “I assume you want me to elaborate on what I said about Declan and beyond?” he asked, not really waiting for an answer before choosing his words. He had addressed the rest of what she had said to that point. Something told him she simply wanted confirmation about what he meant, but that wasn't too surprising since he hadn't elaborated much at all. “Well... with Declan, he knew you from before the traumatic events began. Although he was young, he may associate you more with those memories than the more recent ones. I think the best way you can help him move past all the difficulties he may be having with adjusting to living with you, and not knowing you the same way he did before, as well as the death of his father, as much as he may or may not remember him. Even if he isn't manifesting it right now, there's some level of emotional trauma. He knows you're struggling, too. I think because of the fact that the two of you are both adjusting to changes, you should check up on him more often than you may normally, even if you think you're bothering him. Some children are more vocal about their feelings than others, but those who have been through as much change lately as Declan has are less likely to openly share unless they're asked.” Aaron said, hoping it made sense. He wasn't sure it had. The thoughts had simply come, and he'd spoken. “As for the 'experiences' comment, that can be summed up with what I said before,” he continued. “We learn from the past. We choose how we allow it to affect who we become,” he finished simply.

It seemed for the moment that Prentiss had stopped crying. He couldn't be sure, but Aaron thought she seemed more calm than she had for several minutes, though he didn't know what had caused the change. He wasn't going to let down his guard, just in case. The conversation they'd been having had been so erratic that he didn't have any idea where it would head next. “Being a perfectionist isn't a bad thing, although it can make things difficult. Knowing you, I'm sure it's something you could work to your advantage, considering the amount of dedication you seem to have toward whatever tasks you set your mind to,” Aaron replied, knowing she was joking, but also knowing that behind most joking comments there was some truth and even fear. “Sometimes I think people are too kind. They take consideration of feelings too far, and by that, cause more problems than are solved.” He continued, his tone more thoughtful than anything else. As the two of them continued exchanging comments, when she mentioned the proposal of a deal. “Alright, a deal then,” he nodded. “To start, since neither of us talk to anyone, we'll talk to each other. Anything we talk about remains confidential, and we can both feel free to discuss whatever we need to. Also, I'll do my best to not bottle up my feelings, or handle things alone, and you'll do the same. Even if you're not quite to the degree I am at hiding feelings, I know you do,”

“No one can blame you for wishing that was different, Emily,” Aaron replied, shaking his head. “It is frustrating. It's something that will take time to change, if it ever does. If it doesn't? We adapt. We find another way to solve the problems. The first step is realizing the issue is there,” he pointed out. “From there solutions can be discussed, and the problem can be worked through,” he shrugged.

“It's my pleasure to help where I can. I understand you've been having a hard time, everyone's realized it. It helps to know exactly what the problems you see as the most difficult are, because, as has been pointed out several times during this conversation, no one can go through challenges alone. It can take a lot to realize that, but it's true,” Aaron sighed, as one more question popped into his head. It was one he'd wondered about for a while now, but there had never been an appropriate time to ask. He wasn't even sure now was, or why he was so compelled to ask, but he was. “Prentiss,” he began, “the day we rescued Declan, there has been one question that's stuck with me since. You don't have to answer, but I'm curious. If it had come down to it, in order to save Declan, would you have taken the shot?”

Aaron locked his eyes onto Emily’s. They held so much pain, all of it was concealed. It was thoroughly obvious to him that she was continuing to hold back, but he was lost on what it was she was withholding. 

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ooc-

So it's End of Term right now (save me, I'm dying of homework overload D:)

Anyway, I've been really sick lately, and because of this combination of stuff haven't been on lately. It will be later this week, weekend or next week before I get around to stuff on here, but I promise I haven't forgotten about you guys :)

Sooooo yep. 

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Even though you know each other's baggage do you think that also becomes a problem?

It could, yes.

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Well I guess no one can make you feel differently.

Probably not, no. Not unless they had some incredible amount of influence over me.

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There's more reasons why you do but instead of asking me why don't you ask yourself and give it a try? ;)

I don't think that's a good idea.

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None of them are annoying you? Do you mind the fact your team has suddenly grown so large or does that make it easier on you?

No, they're not. It can vary, some days it's easier than others with more people around. Some days it's harder.

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Have Emily and Beth met? How'd they get along?

They have briefly met, yes. From the length of their meeting, I would say it's difficult to judge, but I feel like they got along well.

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What do you think of the new members of the team?

I think that they're all hard workers, from what I've been able to judge. They'll all do well in the Bureau if they decide to continue.

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She's just perfect for you. Both you have this understanding of each other and this connection. You belong together.

Do we? I don't see how understanding each other makes you think we belong together.

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Yes you were right, the list was in regards to her. You were also writing where your friendship is a pro and con-You don't want to ruin that but it'd make getting together easier because you already know each other's baggage. Any other pros/cons that you thought of while I was away?

I haven't thought of anymore, no. But it is true that we know each other's baggage. Everyone has secrets, though. With profilers the secrets are more high stakes, because you don't want your co-workers knowing everything about you when they're able to tell enough through behavior.

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Not touche, just stating the truth

In any case, I understand what you're saying

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But WHAT IF she did. You're right it's not likely but, entertain us with an answer? Please?

I probably wouldn't be too happy, but I wouldn't tell her that.

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They care about you though. You shouldn't feel like you have to deal with your burdens alone because you think it'd effect them. They're probably worried about you and would prefer you open up to them.

I know they care about me, but I still feel the way I feel, regardless of how worried they may be.

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ooc- Emily I hope you know this means war ;) I will trump your word count! 

I'm only a LITTLE competitive... 

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I would like to apologize for all of those out there who no longer seem to have any respect you for or your personal life. What you do and who you love is your business.

Well, considering the fact that I'm positive none of them mean any harm, it doesn't really bother me.

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Do you miss Gideon as much as I do?

He's back in the area, although I haven't seen him much. We're friends, so yes, I'd say I do.