ssliveitup

[ssliveitup]

Chapter 1 - death of the ego in the workplace.

Note, this one’s going to be a little different than the last one, ‘the diagnosis’. While this one won’t be focused on the cancer journey, it will start to unpack how cancer has played a significant role in my transformation journey of healing the wounds that I honestly didn’t know I had, how I’ve learned to feel fulfilled in the present, and how I continue to see hope for an even more enriching future. This one’s about my journey back to my heart, in learning what love truly is.

Let’s go way back - back to 2015 when I embarked on a journey in a new job, a fresh start, a new adventure. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. On my third day of training, this man walked in- an average looking man, some one that wasn’t my ‘typical type’, but some one I knew almost instantly, was familiar (wtf, it was so weird, bc I’d never met him or anyone like him before, so it’s BIZARRE that he seemed so familiar…). Months, years went by as our paths kept crossing at work- our conversations were easy, each others presence was safety, and it just felt …. Easy. Of course we had the expected disagreements about work (god he’d really piss me off sometimes), but we got through them all eventually and it became clear even though often, I couldn’t see the bigger picture he saw immediately, he was often right in the end. So I started to follow his lead at work, I started to admire him in his structured and steady approach, and learned to let go a little of the stubbornness and control & pride I was holding onto to convince myself I was special and uniquely smart (lol), in favor of something bigger than myself- that would contribute to the success of the brand and the company. Surely enough when I trusted him, we succeeded… together. I’ll say though, it’s something about him, that allowed me to let my guard down and LISTEN. Maybe his gentle demeanor (but still stubborn haha) or just his approach that I admired and wish I had - a logical, smart, steady approach. I can assure you that if he had outward arrogance, or a ‘showy’ personality, my ego would’ve likely moved in the reverse way, as a mode of protection.

Ok fast forward years. I became less monstrous, we became actual friends, and the true journey began. He had a family of his own and his time was limited. We’d talk on the phone sometimes, hang out once a quarter at work events, get drinks to catch up when we had the time. I knew he had obligations, I could never overstep the unspoken boundary, but deep inside I knew this person was special, and he was unlocking something profound within me. Everytime I’d leave him, i wouldn’t feel jealous or mad he’d be leaving to be with his family he loved so much. That was his life and his choice. Instead I’d always feel this overwhelming feeling of euphoria, happiness, full of love. Being with him, irrespective of not having ‘a typical romantic relationship’ with him, made my soul happy. These moments made it clear our souls were connected- whatever that meant, idk but it was the right words for what I felt. This continued for years until, I realized it was time to move on and grow. What was next?

[ssliveitup]

The Diagnosis

Life seemed to be going too well- I mean, things weren’t perfect, but my new life in San Francisco was going well and better than expected. I love my job, I got a cool new gig teaching spin, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have very close friends in SF, never leaving me feeling lonely albeit being 3,000 miles from home.

…until July 26, 2022. I had been feeling some pain in my right breast pretty far back, near armpit area, and it just felt like a hard muscle - nothing I’d describe as a ‘lump’. This had been going on for a few years on and off so I had seen a few doctors throughout the pandemic, all telling me I was very fit, it had to be a muscle pain, and there was no way it could be breast cancer given the symptoms. I made it a point to inform all these doctors my two maternal aunts had breast cancer but still, NONE of them would prescribe me get a mammogram because I was under 40 and they didn’t feel anything ‘lump -like’. Ok I thought to myself, three doctors couldn’t be wrong right?

A few months earlier when the pain started to get worse, my primary care physician in SF finally encouraged me to get a mammo to ‘put it to bed’ , even though she thought it was nothing. Fast forward to July, I went in for my mammo. With zero sense of urgency.

The technician called me in and I started to get my imaging. I remember cracking jokes with her knowing there was no way my images were anything to be concerned with. She started to take more images esp of my right side, in several angles and positions. I knew at that point, something was off. If she didn’t see anything wrong, why keep adding different angles, right? I remember saying to her “sorry mam, they told me not to wear deodorant, I must smell bad.” She looked me and said ‘hunny I’m not worried about what you smell like, im worried about your LIFE.” (Also WHAT THE FCK- who says that to a patient while looking at her X-ray images?) She should be fired). With that comment, I stopped the jokes and started to get worried.

After my mammo and ultra sound, the nurse says - “the doctor will be in to see you.” Now I’m legit shitting my pants…. Why does she want to talk to me??!?

the doctor comes in and she says, “Serena im really concerned with what I see. We need to biopsy this immediately.” WHAT THE FCK- there’s no way she’s right, have all my doctors been wrong? Also lady, you cannot be so emotional and dramatic until you have test results!!!!!!! Control your emotions, please. Screw this but fine I’ll get a biopsy.

I got the biopsy (they take a sample of the area to test), and then head home.

I call my parents - nervously telling them what’s going on. We agree it’s very unlikely it’s cancer and the doctor was just being over dramatic. They took the next flight out to be with me when the results come in 48 hours later. Again trying to believe it really can’t be anything -this is just the standard protocol for those who come in for mammograms with ‘dense breasts’ right?

and then 24 hours later, while my parents were still in the air, I got the call.

“Serena the results came back and you have breast cancer. It’s a type called triple negative and it’s growing extremely fast. We recommend you see some one who specializes in this asap.”

there it was. I got hit by a bus. my life changed from that moment on. Cancer? I never thought it could happen to me.