stageoutoffive - Tumblr blog

[stageoutoffive]

JESUS CHRIST I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU.

I WANT TO FEEL YOU AGAIN PLEASE.

the way your hands touched mine made caves in my heart, and i desperately wanted you to explore them, even if when you get to the treasure below, it just be pictures of you !

you left imprints on me damn it !

reclaim them !

litter my cave, break the rich minerals inside or dump waste in there for all i care !

just come back

please

[stageoutoffive]

thinking

my next lover will never know the songs you once gifted me.

[stageoutoffive]

breakdown

according to kubler ross, there are five stages of grief. i am at number one. shock (or denial)

when i first met you, i thought you talked a lot- it didn't bother me too much i suppose. i had never really met someone who could also talk about nonsense as much as me. even if we had different topics to yap about.

when i first met you, i had dreamt of you. my brain was asleep, but my conscious had made a shape of you. every night after that, i had prayed that i could see it again

when i first met you, i knew that i wanted you. i had told the moon that you were mine ! she winked at me and breezed me a

"good luck"

the moon is dissapointed in me tonight, for her back is turned and she cries with me,

"it's your fault !" she showers.

and it is my fault.

i'm so dumb

so dumb

so. dumb.

i had lost an angel like you, because i figured i was a chore to you.

and i'm sure if i told you all of this instead of mixing emotions and cheap liquor, we would have been fine ! yes, with some problems, but we would have been together ! and thats all i need.

before i had made that stupid impulsive decision of leaving you, i had gone days without eating. i was so used to getting full with your words, that i forgot what being hungry felt like. my colored hair was getting brittle because i had stopped imagining you stroking it. i was no longer myself and i figured you wouldn't want me that way.

lifeless.

i wasn't going to leave you forever, i just wanted you to focus on school and your new hobbies and new friends ! but i didn't tell you that. i just kicked everything to the side and vanished.

and i know in the beginning, we'd say we'd never do that to each other, but i figured that it was best for you to hate me then for you to wait for me (if you even wanted to) it wouldn't be fair.

and please my love,

please please please

feel me when i say,

i am so terribly sorry for putting you through this.

i know it can be hard to believe and its not my place for you to forgive me and if you did this to me-

oh lets get serious, you'd never do this to me.

you have went through so much pain and suffering, and you trusted me enough to tell me those things, and in the end i threw it all away because i was scared to talk to you.

i'd walk to your school and show up with flowers and a boombox and embarrass myself, if it meant i could be around you just once.

i'd learn how to play the guitar and rent a venue with you as the only guest and try to preform for you.

i would take off my makeup and let my hair run wild and cry to you. i would let you see the ugly side of me because i believe you'd love me either way.

"loved" i'm sorry.

i will continue to love you in present and future. even if you don't feel the same way.

it's selfish of me but

no "but" i'm just selfish.

tomorrow i will find a new way to feed off you. maybe in music or a nature documentary. i'll check my phone every 5 minutes in case you'll text me, it likely won't happen though, you're goodbye was so strong.

but my denial is much more stronger.