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[standingatsinai]

24 April 2024 / 17 Nisan 5784

Chag Pesach Sameach!

To those that attended college/university at the time of their conversion - what was that like?

I gave up study in 2021 (age 21) to pursue conversion on the instruction of my then-Rabbi, but that obviously resulted in nothing.

I have been working full time since then but unfortunately have limited funds to show for that due to moving interstate. I have no choice but to continue working, but have been considering going back to study to get a higher qualification.

I am just concerned that returning to the conversion and returning to study all while working full time will be too much?

I know I'm young, but at 24 and having been doing this since I was 16, I feel like time is getting on for me to complete my conversion AND go to university to study.

[standingatsinai]

10 Dec 2023 / 26 Kislev 5784

I have my first event with the Jewish community in this town on Thursday, for the final night of Chanukah. The community here is tiny and doesn't even have it's own Shul. The Rabbi is a Chabad Rabbi who travels from the nearest big city. So far, Chabad has been super welcoming to me and I am looking forward to meeting the Rabbi. I have been told that he can help me form a connection with the Beis Din.

I will have to move again in 2024 into the city, but that is what I excepted. My move to this small town was a detour on the journey, and has been both a blessing and a steep learning curve. It's detached me from everything I know, and lessened my connection to Judaism in one way (further from my original community that had been more cold towards me anyway) but at the same time, deepened my yearning for it.

[standingatsinai]

9 Nov 2023 / 25 Cheshvan 5784

It's been a year since I posted so I thought I'd give an update.

I privated a bunch of posts because I became concerned that they could impact my conversion.

Last time I gave an update things had become stagnant.

The Beis Din had arrived in my city and my Rabbi didn't tell me about it. I was absent from Shul for a few weeks due to medical reasons, whilst keeping the Rabbi fully informed of everything thar was going on for me.

The Rabbi then completely ghosted me and began ignoring ALL of my emails. I contacted the only other Orthodox Rabbi in my city, who then ghosted me after a brief email exchange (I am assuming he communicated with my old Rabbi, who may have said something).

This left me feeling quite disenfranchised and like my obvious efforts were not appreciated. I questioned for the first time in six years if it was really for me - I was asking myself about how many barriers HaShem was putting up for me, and thought that maybe that was a message to just stop, but realised that my life does not feel complete without Judaism.

A while ago I decided to move to a smaller town, located near a big city with a larger Jewish population.

I recently contacted the local Chabad to see if they can provide me with more connections as I'm not sure where to begin here when it comes to the Jewish community.

I've had to take a few turns that I didn't except but IYH we'll get there.

[standingatsinai]

How old was everyone when they started and finished their Orthodox conversions?

[standingatsinai]

15 September 2022 / 20 Elul 5782

Dyed my hair today!

Was a really big deal because of how much of my identity was wrapped up in it. I love it!

Hopefully it's not see as immodest, though I don't understand how it would be given the colour is fairly natural.

I've pretty much given up on converting in this city, the lack of responses from the Rabbi go beyond the Halachic push-back in my opinion, and I'm just not comfortable attending Shule anymore. I have decided I am going to begin attending the Chabad House, even though they don't do conversions, because I think they'll be a good reference down the line.

I've also concluded that I'm fine completing my conversion here and not in Bat Ayin, as some of the values from the Midrasha's Rebbetzin don't really align with mine. I'd like to attend seminary after my conversion though, maybe Neve Yerushalayim?

[standingatsinai]

So I've privated my personal posts on here because I feel like they're niche enough that they could impact my anonymity and therefore my conversion. I actually really respect everyone in my community but I do get frustrated about the lack of movement, and I think openly expressing that here could be misinterpreted.

I'll still keep posting but most of that stuff I'll posy privately as my own private diary.

Thank you to everyone who has read and contributed advice. 💞

[standingatsinai]

4 September 2022 / 8 Elul 5782

Okay I emailed the Rabbi and was just honest and said that I had contacted the other Shul because I thought he didn't want to help me anymore - and stated that I understood if that was the case, which is true, given my subpar attendance recently. I also stated that I had been experiencing medical issues (but didn't say what) and that that was the reason for my lack of attendance. I am anxious that they will see my medical issues as a barrier to conversion, even though it wouldn't actually have an impact on my observance or ability to attend classes, but would make it more difficult for me to go to Shul multiple time a week for services with the long commute I'm currently having to do.

I did say that I plan on booking AirBNB's each Friday now to help with this situation, and asked if he thinks there is anything Halachically I should be aware of before doing so. So I hope that

One thing I'm anxious about is anyone from the community finding this blog and somehow attributing it to me and percieving my frustrations negatively, but I don't know if that's just me being overly anxious. I actually really respect everyone in my local community (especially the Rabbis and Rebbetzins) but I am frustrated.

I think this paranoia comes from the fact that some of the stuff I've said, as well as just Orthodox Jewish conversion in general, is a bit niche.

I always wanted to enjoy my conversion journey, but I think the fact that it's not even yet formerly started and all of this has happened, really just has me forming a "I want it over with" attitude.

I'll probably make most of these posts private, and just leave them as a diary for myself.

[standingatsinai]

3 September 2022 / 7 Elul 5782

So no response from the other Shul's Rabbi, and no response from someone at the Shul I know. I just feel like I should stop attending because spiritually it feels like a worse environment for me than just praying at home while I save to move to a different community. I shouldn't dread going to Shul out of fear that other's there will treat me a certain way.

I just don't understand being altogether ignored? If there's something wrong I'd rather know than sit here paranoid and stressing about what it could possibly be. I also just feel like it's inconsiderate and cruel to not tell me and to keep me hoping, particularly when I've stated all the things I've put on hold and sometimes altogether given up to pursue this. I've spend probably thousands on books and resources. The money I've been saving is enough to use as a deposit on a small house, but I've put that off so that I can study in EY. If it's a no, why not just tell me so that I am able to move forward with these other things instead or in the meantime?

I suspect it's all due to my lack of attendance, but that's all been down to medical issues - which I feel extremely uncomfortable telling anyone about, but if the sake of my conversion, I would have told them had they asked.

I think what's really throwing me is that in my first meeting with the Rabbi he told me that if I faiked converting here and tried to convert in other community they would ring the Rabbi of the city I am from (him) and enquire about me and anything they should consider before taking me on as a conversion student. Now that I think about it, that seems like a threat and makes me uncomfortable that it was said, but I'm scared it's true. That coupled with my already existing anxiety about there being something wrong that I don't know about (maybe something from my past?) has been a recipe for mental health disaster. I can't stop combing over every tiny little thing I've done wrong in my life.

[standingatsinai]

28 August 2022 / 1 Elul 5782

So I just contacted the other Shul in my city but I am so paranoid that they will be in contact with the Rabbi of the other Shul and that there will be a negative word put in..for some reason that I am unaware of? Every possible thing I've ever done wrong in my life is flashing through my head and making me go nuts, and I'm wondering if something is coming back to bite me in the behind.

I'm worried that they'll say my medical issues are going to be too much of a barrier to my conversion, given they've affected my Shul attendance in the past month or so.

But these things are something that are currently being treated and are curable.

I wanted to start my conversion here in my city and then finish in Israel, but I feel like this is too ambitious given my current situation.

I knew there would be stumbling blocks and rejections, but this many before I've even formerly started is really starting to impact my self esteem and vision for my future.

Oh and don't even get me started on my work situation.

G-d willing, the Rabbi responds and this gets resolved soon.

[standingatsinai]

22 August 2022 / 25 Av 5782

It's been a while since my last update. Things are really hard at the moment.

I've not been able to go to my Hebrew lessons or Shul for the past few weeks due to some medical stuff that's happened, and I don't feel comfortable sharing that with anyone in my local Jewish community.

The Rabbi has been ignoring all my attempts at contact, and I think this may be why. I have made the things I have postponed and altogether given up to pursue this clear and still, nothing.

I just don't get it - I was rejected 3 times in per (countless times over email), as I know is fairly standard, and kept coming back despite it all.

He didn't even tell me that the Beis Din was in my city back in March, so I couldn't even be approved to start my conversion and I still haven't.

I don't think people really understand what it's like to go, all by yourself with no friends or family, into a new community where everyone knows each other and have been friends since birth.

Everyone has been nice to me, but I'm not really included. People have made plans right in front of me that I've not been invited to, and I've been okay with that because it just comes with territory. I've prayed that it will change in time.

Maybe this is all apart of the process, and due to my age or whatever he really wants to be sure that I'm serious.

I'm just struggling with it. I just have to trust HaShem and trust the Rabbi.

I'm just worried that I may have to move cross-country to even begin my conversion, or that if converting in this community is not a possibility, a good word won't be put in for me in other communities either.

I have spent the past 6 years forming ideas and plans about my future around a Jewish life so this has just been really hard.

[standingatsinai]

27 April 2022 / 26 Nissan 5782 / Omer Day 11

I'm not doing so great. I've been at my job for two months next week and it's just awful. 75% of my job is supposed to be out in the field doing work, and the rest at my desk doing research/writing notes based on that field work.

They have had me sitting at 5% field work, and consequently I've also had very little office work to do.

It's so bad for my mental health, and I've had to book in with a physiotherapist because I'm sitting for over 35 hours a week and it's starting to cause back, leg and neck issues.

I've sent more emails than I can count to my boss, as well as to the corporate office, demanding work. As of next week it seems like they'll be giving me another couple of hours of field work, but I'm still going to look for a new job.

I don't even know why they hired me if they have no work for me to do.

It's going to be a huge hit to my self esteem if I have 3 jobs in 6 months.

I've also been working with a therapist and reading some books to finally confront some unaddressed trauma I experienced. That's taking a huge toll on my mental health too.

These past few days I just feel like I've lacked connection to Hashem. It's only been a few days, but it's just weird because I feel like I've not lacked connection in this way in a long time.

[standingatsinai]

18 April 2022 / 17 Nisan 5782

So much has happened since my last proper update.

I've started Hebrew lessons. Very beginner but that's okay.

I've started attending the only other Orthodox Shul in my city and much prefer it. The congregation is more around my age and the atmosphere is more my style too - I'm finally starting to get closer with Jews around my age, but wouldn't say I have any Jewish friends just yet. I suppose this is why I'm spending Pesach alone.

However, the Rabbi at my previous Shul is the one who runs the conversion program, so I have to continue to keep strong ties there and currently I attend Shabbos shacharis there and Friday Kabbalat Shabbat at my preferred Shul.

As I live in a fairly isolated place, the Beis Din is on the side of the country and flies over every 6 months.

When I met with the Rabbi back in February and he finally agreed to take me on as a conversion student, he stated that to actually get into the program I needed to meet with the Beis Din and get approved by them. I won't lie, this surprised me given I had already been rejected by the Rabbi three times over a period of a couple of years, and rejected after he ignored my emails for months. I'd usually understand meeting with the Beis Din, but given these factors, and the fact that I've put all my studies on hold, I feel as if I've thoroughly proved my dedication and sincerity.

Not only that, the Beis Din was in town recently and I had no idea - my Rabbi had just not told me. I found out from members of my preferred Shul and frantically called and text my Rabbi to see if I could get in to see them.

He never responded and they left town.

Meaning I have to wait another whole 6 months to even get in to see them and pray that I even get into the program to start my conversion.

He never told me why, just stating, "don't worry, we'll organize it".

I'm sick of waiting. This has been something I've dreamt of beginning since just before I turned 17.

This is why I've decided to convert in Eretz Yisrael, despite the many downfalls of doing so. I just think converting in a Chassidic community there that has full time learning would be beneficial to me, and I think I'd actually be taken seriously in my sincere desire to convert.

The community I'm currently in truly has no idea the extent of things I am giving up to pursue this.

This all happened right after my car accident too, where I had to drop thousands on a "new" secondhand car that I can't afford. Just great.

A semi-positive is that started my new job, so have regular income coming in.

I spent the first week of my job bored out of my mind doing online training. I was supposed to actually start doing my proper job in week 2...I am now going into week 6 (really week 5 though, because I got covid and was off for one of those weeks) and I have been given no work.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat in the office by myself with absolutely no work to do - to the point where I try to create my own work by reading work-related articles online.

I emailed my boss (who is the team leader) begging for work, and thank G-d I did, because there was a miscommunication last week on Tuesday where - because I had not been adequately informed on the Working From Home policies by my boss (who is currently on leave) and lead to believe something different than the actual policies - I was called into the office 30 minutes by the stand-in team leader before I was supposed to meet with a client and was unable to get there on time.

They sent a woman third down the chain of command from the CEO to my office to have a firm "chat" with me. She essentially threatened my job (which was honestly quite triggering given what happened with my last job) and stated that I wasn't doing my job and clearly didn't believe in the organization's mission. Thankfully, I had proof in the form of that email that in reality I had been begging to do work.

I got a huge non-apology in a later email thanking me for my "openness and honesty in regards to the mishap" and also for "my dedication in doing my job".

I'm joining the union to cover myself because myself and another woman in my office was unfairly targeted in this, when others who were also at fault faced absolutely no consequences.

The ironic thing is my job is in the mental health sector.

Yet this organization can't look out for the mental health and wellbeing of it's very own workers? How am I supposed to offer quality support to those living with/experiencing mental health concerns, when I'm struggling with my own as a result of my work?

Somehow I've managed to be okay through all this drama, but I'm really not sure why HaShem seems to be throwing things at me one after the other.

[standingatsinai]

16 April 2022 / 15 Nisan 5782

Boy do I have a lot of updating to do.

But for now...I'm spending both nights of Pesach alone, so that pretty much sums up how I'm going.

Chag Sameach!

[standingatsinai]

A couple ways to help the Jewish community in Ukraine:

https://www.mishpachaorphanage.org/templates/fundraising/default_cdo/aid/5405630/jewish/Campaign.htm

https://www.ou.org/ukraine/

EDIT: https://jewsofukraine.com/sumy

[standingatsinai]

23 Feb 2022 / 22 Adar I 5782

B"H for the blessing that is this life, and may we all remember how quickly things can change and that we must be grateful for every moment.

2 and a 1/2 hours ago I was driving home from my first Hebrew lesson when a car pulled out in front of me as I was driving, and we crashed.

Air bags blew up in my face and the car filled with powder that looked, felt and smelt like smoke. Don't remember undoing my seatbelt, but instinct obviously kicked in and I got out of the car immediately because I didn't know if there was going to be fire. I think I scared myself in my dazed state because I accidentally locked my door when I tried to unlock it and that's the only reason I remember unlocking it and getting out.

As I write this I don't think shock has set in because I'm still in a daze, but thank G-d, neither of us are seriously injured...though I'm definitely going to have some wicked bruising from my seat belt lol - shoulder and neck already ache.

Driver was young and inexperienced and it was a genuine mistake. I am glad he is okay physically and hope that he will be okay mentally and doesn't beat himself up too much. We all do stupid things and Baruch HaShem this one didn't have dire consquences.

Shock hasn't set in yet but I'm concerned about no longer having a car when that's required for my brand new job that I haven't even signed a contract with yet. That's a story for tomorrow I think, along with my Hebrew lessons.

I hope that I don't develop anxiety around driving now.

2022 has been a year and it's only February lol. Oh well. I'm choosing to trust HaShem's process, though I'll admit I'm starting to feel like I'm being punished for something.

[standingatsinai]

22 Feb 2022 / 21 Adar I 5782

B"H! B"H! B"H!

Yesterday I was offered a job with the organization (I'll call SC) I interviewed for on Thursday last week! The job (I'll call R) I interviewed with on Wednesday was the job I truly wanted though, so I called them and left a message saying that I was offered a job with SC but would prefer to work with R, so if that was a possibility I would appreciate if they were able to get back to me before I signed a contract with SC.

They called me back within literally less than 2 minutes and said that they actually did plan to offer me a job and would be happy to send me a contract early. I'm so thrilled to be offered 2 jobs in the same day - only 10 minutes apart from each other!

The interesting thing is, despite not being a Jewish organization, the organization I plan to work for has a Hebrew name. The staff there mispronounce it, which I have just decided to go along with lol, but it's a Biblical word and I really don't think it's a coincidence that I was offered my first full time job in the sector I plan to build my career in with an organization that has a name from the Torah.

As I understand it, it has a Biblical name because it was founded by Catholic nuns, but it has been a non-religious not-for-profit organization since 2009.

Not only have I had that happen, but I also had the most amazing Shabbos too.

Even though the congregation has been so lovely to me, I've had trouble making actual friends there because most members are either much older than me or much younger than me.

But at Shacharis service this Shabbos this woman M approached me and asked about me because she'd never seen me before, and I told her who I was and that I wasn't Jewish yet but that I hope to convert. She was so thrilled to listen to my story and told me that she was having a big Havdalah celebration at her house that evening and that she'd love for me to come.

I've only ever been to a Havdalah celebration once, and it was in 2017.

It was so beautiful and this one was even more so, and oh my goodness, the songs! I cannot describe the feeling. I don't even understand the words yet but they felt so elevating in my soul.

Probably the best part is that she introduced me to all these Israelis there that were my age who were on exchange here through a Zionist organization and we were all chatting and it felt so amazing to make connections with people my own age.

We were talking and I mentioned that I had been trying to find a way to learn Hebrew but I couldn't find anywhere that was doing classes.

They are currently teaching Hebrew classes and offering private Jewish study (both for free)!!

The insane thing is...Not only had I not been in actual services at Shul in a couple of months (!!) because of my health, but M doesn't even usually attend services there, and not only that but she doesn't always hold Havdalah dinners at her house, and not only that but those Israelis don't even usually attend when she does! Everything just happened to align, and again, I really do not believe that to be a coincidence either.

What happened at the end of last year where I got a health flare up and D was so rude to me (funnily enough, despite her extremely hurtful words, I got a job at R - a place she herself used to work!) because of it making me believe I would not be good enough for this sector, and then losing my bookstore job in early January, and then the people I housesat for being weirdly cold have all really taught me a huge and important lesson about fully trusting HaShem. I made a post on 3 Shevat saying that I was "praying HaShem has a plan with this in store for me" while I cried my eyes out on the train home from work after losing my job. It seems right now like this may be it.

:)

[standingatsinai]

17 Feb 2022 / 16 Adar I 5782

I had a job interview yesterday, and one today.

I got a call from the one I had today and I've moved onto the next round which is just a reference check, meaning I have a good chance of getting the job. I think they were so efficient because they know I interviewed with a different organization yesterday and could choose them instead. I'm pleased that they are competitive and appear to want me as a worker, even though I thought the interview wasn't the best I could do.

I'd prefer to get the job that I interviewed for yesterday, but if that doesn't come through, I'm happy with the one from today; But I am really hoping regardless.

I will find out early next week.

I'm not getting my hopes up too much yet, and don't want to celebrate too early, but I'm glad that I've been able to get this far a few weeks after leaving my other job.

If I get either one, it's unlikely I'll fall behind on my savings goal like I feared - which I'm really pleased about because I really need that money for my conversion.

Looking forward to Shul tomorrow.