starlit-warren

[starlit-warren]

it’s like this.

if you only have one person in your life that you trust, you probably are always going to turn to that person when something shit happens. as well as whenever something good happens. or anything else. this is not inherently a bad thing, and it’s really beautiful to have someone in your life that you trust so much

but if that person is suddenly busy or going through something difficult themselves or doesn’t have emotional capacity for a while, suddenly there’s a problem. not necessarily through any fault of your own, you don’t have anyone to turn to with as much regularity as you did before

this is true of any kind of relationship. this is true of any kind of coping mechanism, also. the problem is not that you trust that person. the problem is not that you use that coping mechanism. the problem is not even that there’s something wrong with you and that it’s all your fault. the problem is that nothing can be everything

the solution is not to cut off your one trusted person or to cut yourself off from your one trusted coping mechanism. the solution is to do the difficult work of diversifying your life as much as it’s possible for you to do. which is why it sucks so much when external factors prevent you from being able to live a truly diverse life. okay that’s all have a good one

[starlit-warren]

I get that this is mostly a me thing but seeing so many posts making fun of "holy blood cannibalism pomegranate deer" style writing just makes me sad ;-; . guys that's a lot of people's first stab at poetry that's hobby art that's a vulnerable thing to post those are passion projects...

[starlit-warren]

The conversations about accountability & apologies that we've been having in social justice circles these last few years have basically trained everybody to fawn.

We've been telling people that if they are accused of any wrongdoing or of hurting anybody's feelings, it is their obligation to apologize immediately, and never to hedge, disagree, or to explain their rationale what they've done.

In their apology, we expect them to articulate every single thing that they have done that was damaging in the strongest language possible and to declare outright that they have harmed someone, often multiple groups of people, even if they are not sure of the impact (or could not even possibly be sure).

If a person's apology is anything but immediate and entirely self-excoriating, we accuse the person of downplaying the damage they have done, failing to be accountable, and manipulating others.

In this way, we've made it impossible for a person to ever take their own side lest that be taken itself as a form of wrongdoing. We have trained our fellow social-justice-minded people to believe that if they do anything but worsen the case against themselves, they are being irresponsible.

I say we, in all of this, because I have partaken in all of this rhetoric, made these kinds of criticism, given accused people this type of advice.

And I have followed it myself, often to a damaging effect.

I have taken responsibility for problems in which I truly did not believe I played a part, I've overstated the damage that I've done so as not to risk understating it, I've ascribed malice to my intentions when I knew it wasn't there, I've agreed with people's most negative, bad-faith narratives about conflicts involving me that they were not even present for, offered up information about myself that was not a third party's business in the name of transparency, apologized for things I haven't done -- and in doing all of this, I have denied my loved ones the opportunity to really hear me about what I was going through and my motivations when I was in conflict with them, things that any true friend or close associate would obviously want to hear about if they cared about me.

This aim of giving the perfect apology and taking perfect accountability has been nothing but an isolating force in my life, because it has barred me from openly entering into necessary conflict with people when our needs were incompatible or they had hurt me just as much as I'd hurt them. The fear of being a manipulative, unaccountable DARVO-er has led me to roll onto my back and expose my belly, falling over myself with panicked apologies and the most unflattering information possible cast in the least explicable light, almost outright begging for others to become angrier at me and believing that it was only way I could ever possibly be accepted back.

We've drilled into people that the way to be good and responsible is to allow people to view us as negatively as possible, to even arm others with information that will confirm that point of view, and to never insert our own perspective or needs on the matter at all.

And yeah, there are a lot of shitty people out there who dodge accountability easily because their power ensconces them from any consequences. but the primary problem with that was never that they wrote a shitty notesapp apology that used the unforgivable phrase "I am sorry if you felt XYZ." The real problem was that there was no community that held enough influence to hold them to account, and for their victims there weren't ever adequate supports or protections.

instead of addressing any of that in a remotely systematic way, we have taken to picking apart every accused person's every word and deed for evidence of inner moral failure and created a culture in which we think we can determine a person's safety by how artfully they put words together when they are under threat. and what do you know, plenty of bad faith actors and conflict avoidant cowards and people who just dont understand what they are even being accused of can do that just fine.

[starlit-warren]

free my girl she did all that shit but the fandom is mischaracterizing her for it

[starlit-warren]

hi welcome to LA! come with me i wanna show you all the oil drilling sites that are disguised as office/government buildings ^_^

[starlit-warren]

Just made myself so so sad thinking about Aang's marble trick because from a physics perspective, keeping dense spherical objects afloat on an airstream is not trivial, and he's doing it in a tiny little space without moving his hands. Bending is usually very gestural. So. Everyone in the era of the show is, at best, impressed THAT it is airbending. But Aang's an incredibly young master airbender. He wouldn't be acting like this was the bestest trick ever if it didn't take at least some skill; he's a goofy kid but he's also a prodigy. I bet other airbenders were absolutely blown away (pun fully intended) at the level of precision and force and minimalism of movement on display and now there's no one who understands at all why he expects accolades.

[starlit-warren]

something I've noticed over the years is that calling something eugenicist rhetoric is almost always met with "eugenics is a strong word" or "that's not eugenics it's just common sense". what I need everyone to understand about eugenics is that:

it is still one of the primary underlying status quo ideologies

the fact that it is status quo means that, instinctively, you are going to label it as "common sense" or as "objective truth"

"eugenics" simply means "belief that there is a way of optimising human genetics for the benefit of the general good"

when I say that something is "eugenicist rhetoric" I am not saying "everyone who has ever said this thing is inherently evil". I am saying "you need to question where some of these ideas come from"

this is also how people have come to quiz me on the ethics of various choices an individual might make rather than focusing on the systemic, institutional, and cultural elements of eugenics. for example. I am not here to rule for or against one person aborting their disabled foetus. I am pro-abortion and I would never advocate against the right for someone to make whatever choice they're going to make. I am here to ask people to question the fact that such an abortion is seen as the most rational choice for any person to make in such a situation

[starlit-warren]

somewhere out there right now is a kid with curly hair being raised by people who have wavy hair at best and those people are giving them 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner and telling them to dry brush it. and that kid is gonna spend all of middle school and high school hating their hair and moping over the flat iron. they're being told right now that if they don't dry-brush their curl pattern into oblivion every morning it means they're unkempt and gross even though they naturally have the kind of ringlets that a thousand bridezillas would commit horrible murders for every june. it's happening right now it's an absolute epidemic and a tragedy every time

[starlit-warren]

internet friends are so funny bro. here are some fuckers who know more about me than my mother. their names? well this one's no eyed joe, that one's takeout container, that one's moo, this one's named after several hit video game characters, that one is soup and so is that other one, here are a couple named after several thousand year old stories. that one's scammer. that one's volcano residue and here's fungus and rodent and there's podcast character and we can't forget the birds. this one says he's not named after a supernatural character but there's no evidence to support that. here's vegetables and arson. i love them all very dearly. oh yeah and they're all queer

[starlit-warren]

i do agree with the post about caring about men who can get pregnant, and this is entirely asked from lack of information

that can kill you?? jesus i feel like we shouldnt make those jokes at all

let me be real about something real quick: i think mpreg jokes are funny. i think they are funny. obviously not in all contexts, but that's the case for all jokes. so like, go ahead and make them, but you do gotta be careful about who you say them around. obviously you wouldn't make an mpreg joke about, to, or around a man carrying an unwanted pregnancy.

another thing: pregnancy can kill anybody. it aint just me, it can kill anybody. that's a whole other person living inside of you. i only say it will definitely kill me cuz i aint got all the working parts, but pregnancy will kill anybody who can get pregnant. that's just what pregnancy is

the problem is that a lot of the people who make these mpreg jokes don't actually care about the men who can get pregnant. male pregnancy is often viewed as humiliating or shameful. it's made into this joke. a lot of cis people i know will make forcefem jokes around me, which is fine, i'm also transfem, but when i try to explain that male pregnancy is a real thing, they simply shake their heads and walk away.

anyway, real men can really get pregnant. the jokes are funny, but you do have to care about the rights of real men who can really get pregnant, or else people are going to doubt you when you say you're a trans ally

also stop saying "women's rights" when you mean "reproductive rights". not all women can get pregnant, not all people who reproduce are women. please and thank you.

tldr: mpreg funny, but it stops being funny when you don't really care about actual male pregnancy

[starlit-warren]

wishing everyone going through a heatwave right now a very Please Survive

[starlit-warren]

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

[starlit-warren]

I can’t believe 1TB microsd cards are like a thing that exists, thats like crossing a line, thats alarmingly close to playing god, where the FUCK are they PUTTING it

[starlit-warren]

hello Tumblr mutuals. do any of you know any good resources for learning French

[starlit-warren]

When I am appointed to represent a child, my first action is to separate them from their parents and tell them the following things:

1. I am their attorney. I do not work for their parent or the judge or the cops. I don’t care what any of those people want.

2. My job is to listen to them and try and make what they want happen in court. (At this point I make a joke about how most people want me to get them out of trouble but if someone wanted to be in trouble I would do my best.)

3. What they tell me is confidential. It goes nowhere unless they agree to it. (If old enough, I talk to them about mandatory reporters, and how I’m a mandatory non reporter.)

4. I will give them lots of advice because I’ve been doing court for a while and I know a lot about it, and they don’t. It’s all really complicated, and if they don’t understand what’s happening it’s my job to help them figure it out.

5. They will make the decisions. (At this point I usually have to reassure them that I’ll help, I’ll speak for them in front of the judge, and I’ve got their back. It’s scary to have an adult say you’re in charge, most of the time.)

6. I tell them I know it’s absolutely wild to have some stranger come in here and say “hey, you can trust me!” and that I get if they don’t believe everything right away, because I plan to show them through my actions and my words that I’ll fight for them.

7. But nonetheless, I will treat them like a person who can make decisions, because they are living their life and I am not.

I do not:

Pretend to be cool.

Try to be their BFF.

Overwhelm them with detail.

Let their parents in the room until the kid asks for them. (I provide openings for this, and ask if the kid wants their parent to help them remember and understand.)

I want to emphasize I went into this job knowing nothing about how to interact with vulnerable populations, especially children. The training was minimal, and my role means that I can literally walk into a facility and get an unmonitored visit with a minor client one on one.

In my years of practice I have never felt threatened by a child, even one that was “violent” and “unstable.” It turns out just saying “hi, I think you’re a person with thoughts” is wildly successful? Now people treat me like I have special Child Whisperer powers. My powers are that I ask the child what’s up and I’m not scared to say things that are objectively awkward. I know nothing about anything.

[starlit-warren]

I wish they could invent a medical device that temporarily transfers your symptoms and pain to the doctor treating you and it worked like a shock collar. “I think light exercise would-.” and then bam they’re rolling around the floor clutching their stomach in agony and dry heaving.

[starlit-warren]

tiktok is a plague upon this earth people are taking art fight WAY too seriously now