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Walid Hoshmand

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Beth kellmer

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“As long as you wake up in the morning, you are still in the game. As long as you’re breathing, you are still a fighter. Nothing can stop you from moving forward. Absolutely nothing.”

— Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin (via thepowerwithin)

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Frustration, a little bit of inspiration, and a whole lot of laughter.

Life has pretty much kicked me in the face, and for that I am strangely grateful. Sounds silly but let’s be honest, if life gave you sunshine every day would you ever know how to appreciate the warmth on your skin? So, in the last week I have gotten the flu, been so stressed my hair is falling out, got my debit card information stolen, and had my fridge break. I had to throw away three trash bags full of hard dollars earned in the form of food. And I’ve been dealing with all of these things alone on the floor of my furnitureless living room. Sounds like I am being a baby about life being hard, about adulting being hard. But it’s not that at all. Its me acknowledging the fact that experiencing these things alone is a whole different ballpark. I can’t climb into my moms bed and have her play with my hair until it gets better. I can’t turn to my boyfriend and have him scoop me up to tell me everything is going to be alright. I don’t have my brother to give me the biggest and best hug there is out there. I am not alone per se, but at the same time I am experiencing these things I have experienced before and but have had to adapt to them differently. I am not always surrounded by people and when these moments happen I have to learn to adjust accordingly. I have never been truly “alone.” And by that I don’t mean I am alone in the world, woe is me, blah blah blah. I’m just experiencing life a little differently and have to assess and adjust based on me, myself, and I. I have to be my own best friend in this go around and as a person who has always struggled with my relationship with Kierstin, it’s been one hell of a time.

I had the day from hell on Wednesday. I felt more defeated than I have felt in what feels like ages. I was pissed off and irate with life and its ability to make you feel like you are being crushed under a boulder of things gone awry and a long list of responsibilities. I often laugh because ten years ago, sixteen year old me dreamed of the day when I would have my own place, and be kicking life’s ass.

Reality of the situation is that adulting is hard and sometimes life kicks you in the ass, or in the teeth.

I laid on my living room floor Wednesday evening and cried until it became uncontrollable laughter. If there is anything I’ve learned in the past about taking the blows life dishes out is that there are a few ways to react. I was defeated and sad, but I laughed because thats all I could do. Laugh at the fact that it was my luck to have my debit card info stolen, all my bills clear at once, and my fridge break all in the same day. I laughed because I knew that after all that crying I was going to wake up tomorrow and get the opportunity to fumble through a new day. I get the opportunity to take this messy, crazy, stressful life and make it something positive. Something to laugh and smile about.

I have always dealt with frustration in means of tears because it was the easiest way to process. I have always been the girl that cries about everything. When I am happy, sad, angry, you name it tears will be present. So to be able to laugh hysterically after the shitstorm that was my week, it felt freaking great. I wont have a debit card until Tuesday and still have pretty much an empty fridge, but honestly I can’t help but smile at knowing that all of that happened and I didn’t self destruct. I didn’t retreat into myself, shut the world out and give up.

I laughed.

Life is extremely stressful right now, but I know at the end of the day that I have accomplished so much. I am writing again. I am inspired again. I want more out of life and I am learning to turn the “stagnant” feeling into motivation to reach and accomplish more. So yes, life has kicked me in the teeth over and over for what seems like weeks, but I woke up today and smiled.

I made myself coffee and breakfast, sat in my furnitureless living room, and I laughed.

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Mornings like these

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I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.

John Green, 

The Fault in Our Stars (via coral)

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Untitled by Sasha

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But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.

Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five (via wordsnquotes)

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the daydream comedown

This is what happens when you doubt what you are capable of. This is what happens when you tell yourself that reaching for something you know you could excel at because the requirements say "1-2 years of experience" and you're unsure if what you've done so far even counts. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to write something worth reading. I've wanted to be the author other authors were for me. I wanted to create that inspired moment in someones day through a sentence I, myself, strung together. But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the day dream and the reality slowly slipped away. I spent so much time in my head building things and building things that when it came time to actually make it a reality I was a deer in headlights. 

I have no idea what I am doing.

I follow all sorts of bloggers and lifestyle writing inspiring humans on all sorts of social media hoping they'll lend insight into how they got where they are. But in reality, it was because they fell from those day dream clouds and made their hopes a reality. How? I am so unsure its unreal, but they did it. Which most definitely means I can too. The whole thing barrels down to...how do I get started? How do I propel myself in the direction of making dreams reality? For a while I was doing it, gaining experience by writing and submitting content to submission/contributing based websites. I hoped to write something so compelling it would launch me into this endless string of writing inspired content. But then I kind of lost it. The momentum faded and I didn't know how to get the ball rolling again. Writing became a chore at that point, something I felt I was required to do now, all the time, whether I wanted to or not. It went from my favorite stuffed animal, to the monster in the closet. So I started folding my clothes on the floor, and left the door alone. 

I have spent the better half of the last year in the most amazingly unfortunate writing rut I have ever, in my almost fifteen years of writing, found myself in. It's been agonizing and painful. But I feel like I am slowly coming out of it. I am making changes to my life that I hope will push me back into the swing of this writing stuffs. I know this post is a bunch of nonsense, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Here is to hopefully pushing myself in the direction of finding what it is I want, and fiercely pursuing it. 

I can't be scared anymore.  I'm too old for that shit. ;)

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