starvingartistgabe - Tumblr blog

[starvingartistgabe]

i am sorry, mama. i know you did your best but i turned out wrong. i only ever sharpen my teeth on my own legs. i can't hunt and every song in my chest sounds more like a siren call. i tremble at every loud noise. i fear i am unlovable. you used to tell me to bark back and bite hard. i let every hand muzzle me and consider it gentle. touchstarved. i'm sorry. you wanted to raise a wolf but i am just a bad dog.

[starvingartistgabe]

“Abundance” by Amy Schmidt, published in Rattle January 20, 2019

[starvingartistgabe]

[starvingartistgabe]

All the past versions of myself are Ghosts and they haunt me still

[starvingartistgabe]

I don't know what to do with my life, and I don't know how much it matters to me.

I tool 5 years to maybe get a four year degree, by which I mean they'll let me know next month if I'm able to.

I was forced out of my original program because of how my mental illness and subsequent medicated period affected my life. Which in part is a blessing because as every year passes I find my anxiety getting worse and worse to the point where I have panic attacks just trying to leave my apartment some days, and I can no longer imagine a career where I interact with strangers everyday. Who let a thirteen year old decide on a career and stick to it anyway? Why did no one stop me at any point and say,

"Hey, maybe a program that requires super high grades and a killer workload is not the right path for someone with your brain"

I'm supposed to look for a grown up job now, leave behind my currently comfortable-ish line cook job, but for what? I know I want to help people, but how do you help them without interacting with them everyday? I don't feel talented enough to pursue art or writing or anything really, so where am I left?

Maybe I would feel strongly about any one option if three months of medication hadn't gotten rid of any feeling except anxiety.

[starvingartistgabe]

There is so much behind us

And so little ahead

Everything is poison these days

The water we drink and the air we breathe

Grows cute little tumors in our thick skulls

Forever chemicals

Microplastics

Giant concrete structures warning the unknown,

Do not tread here

There once were humans

And they fucked it up

[starvingartistgabe]

I made something

[starvingartistgabe]

nice to see miyazaki has the same writing process as me

[starvingartistgabe]

i hope you write (i hope we both write)

[starvingartistgabe]

What city pigeons talk about.

Patreon | Mailing list

[starvingartistgabe]

What I mean by I don't want to exist is not that I want to die.

I mean I always feel like I take up too much space. I am taking up the physical space that some better deserving person should have, I am consuming food someone hungrier should have, I am breathing the air that should belong to someone else, I am in a seat in a lecture hall someone smarter should be sitting in. I can not bring myself to ask for help in case I am taking help away from someone else. I have a job someone more talented should have.

I will always feel too big, too consuming, too visible.

[starvingartistgabe]

Here’s the new 24 hour comic I drew this year!  This one is called THE KING’S FOREST.  cw: blood, violence

[starvingartistgabe]

I enter Gus' Saloon,

I drink an entire jar of mayonnaise

I am forcibly removed from the saloon

[starvingartistgabe]

I think I hate the term cat-calling.

When's the last time someone yelled "nice tits" at a cat

[starvingartistgabe]

[starvingartistgabe]

see writing is funny because sometimes you have to google things like “can the human body survive with every rib broken” and other times you have to google things like “is there an ikea in manhattan???”

[starvingartistgabe]