stealingsecrets-blog

[stealingsecrets-blog]

here we are again, in a room filled with people, and I’ve never felt more alone in my life. the boy I love, enamored with just about anything else merely inches away from me, and someone I guess I could have loved, in another life, in the next room. Tell me where it fell apart. Was it an option on my behalf to fall for someone so delicately unintentional with his actions? I guess so, at least in some capacity. 

But I know it to be the stars’ way of forcing magic, however cruel it may be, into the universe. Be it so that the universe has no care for us, no suggestion to our own processes. Yet, somehow I always find myself looking to the moon for answers, and each time she calls out for the chaos within. 

The last time she called to me, I admit, I succumbed to her. She was so graceful and eloquent in her native tongue that I fell whole-heartedly into the magic that she introduced to me. The boy I could have loved, perhaps in another life, was closer than ever, but not how I wanted - and quite honestly, not WHO I wanted. 

I succumbed anyway and made a cataclysmic chasm in the depths of a 3-bedroom apartment. One that I don’t think can be repaired, and yet the stars and their moon call out for more chaos, and like the tides I am pulled towards it

[stealingsecrets-blog]

Boy number 2, who I will indefinitely call Gamer Guy, finally responded, but I don’t want to open it. I don’t feel like saying “oh I'm too sleepy” and i sure as hell don’t feel like staying up to talk to someone who ignored me all day today and most of yesterday. i know he double messaged me, but that doesn’t really excuse it. So I’ll take a note out of his book and I’ll pretend I already fell asleep and I’ll open it tomorrow when I feel like dealing with his bullshit and when I look hot as hell.

[stealingsecrets-blog]

That same night I ignited a forest fire that I’m doing my best to contain. 

The Duke showed me the ins and outs of college partying - my first party ever. He offered me the groups finest wines and champagnes, (Tequila and Four Loko) and even showed me around when we arrived and made sure I didn’t get lost in the crowds of people. The rest of our party seemed to disappear into thin air and in that moment it was just the Duke and I, so we started searching for others, but the common folk were too many in number, so the only way to make sure I didn’t get lost was to grab ahold of his arm or waist any time he started walking. Once we were finally in the clear I was able to let go, and we happened upon some other members of the group. I’ll come up with names for them when they become relevant. It’s important to note that the Duke has a girlfriend of almost 2 years I believe, and he’s done some sketchy shit before but the Duchess never believes the girls who tell her, and rather makes it seem as if it’s just the girl trying to break them up. So, the Duchess is nowhere in sight, I’m stumbling and leaning against a wall chatting with my 3 boys including the Duke, and as for him, he is grabbing my ass every once in a while. The Duke then decides that we need to go into the house, so they convince me to follow along while boy #3 holds me up bc I cannot stand at this point. As we’re walking towards the house we see flashing lights and the Duke takes off looking for his Duchess, leaving me behind. Boy #2 takes off towards the woods, again leaving me behind. The only one to stick around enough to help me was boy #3 who then carried me over barbed wire fences until we could get back to the car.  God bless boy # 3. Moving on though, in the car I had to sit on someones lap because we had 10 people in a 5-seater, and so did the Duke. Coincidentally he was right next to me, with me on one side and the door on the other. His girlfriend was on the other side of the car and was totally out of it, much like myself. I remember crumpling in half and at some point his hand made its way onto my leg. Then it made it up a little further. I think I tried to push it off so he held my hand, which he did for quite some time. Then his hand moved (in no particular order because I cannot remember) to my breast and to my thigh and to my lips where he would press his finger into my mouth so I would suck on it. I’m not going to lie, I don’t entirely regret it, but I was too drunk to realize that he had a girlfriend at the time so that’s kinda fucked i guess

[stealingsecrets-blog]

He fucking hurt me. and ya know I really wish he hadn’t. Now every time he doesn't respond right away or, hell, even sometimes for hours I have to sit there and wonder. Did I do something? Did I fuck it up? My mother said “you never want to be someone’s second choice, you don’t even want to be an option, you want to be the only one they even considered.” Funny thing, she wasn’t even talking about me, but it fits so perfectly. I’m always the second option. I’m always second best. But how do I learn to forgive that? Should I even bother? My best friend says he doesn’t deserve me, but she doesn’t know the way he looked at me that night. She doesn’t know how free I felt when he laughed at something I said and it shook my entire body like a fucking fault line. He told me he thought I had forgotten about it. Yeah, son, I forgot about the thing that convinced me to drink till I threw up for 3 hours straight. I forgot about how you told me you wanted to take me on a real date, and how you weren’t “that kind of guy” who only wanted one thing. I totally forgot about how you flirted with her the day after you told me you had feelings for me... you’d pinch her sides and she’d giggle enough to make you laugh and fuck I could feel it again. Listen, I know this is absurd. I was drunk for the first time and he was on sleeping pills (which I only recently found out) but he made me feel something. I tried to go on dates with other boys too. I even kissed a few, but they only left me with a bad taste on my lips and a twinge of regret for each. It’s not like I thought he was the one but I really thought we could have some fun being each others’ but he shouldn’t be able to pick someone else over me, he shouldn’t be able to forget I exist for a few hours only to remember when its 10:30 at night. 

But fuck I still want him