stealthmodeon

[stealthmodeon]

see me through why don’t you

“Honestly I just fell into it.  I started as an engineering major.  Then one night I was slaving over my physics homework, while my roommate sipped tea on the couch and read a novel.  So I decided to be an English major like her.  Ten years later I’m working as a copywriter at an advertising agency.  You know that feeling when you’re pulling into the driveway, but you can’t remember anything about your ride home?  That’s a bit how it feels.  Like I blinked and I’m eight years down a career path that I just sort of fell into.  There’s plenty to be grateful for.  It’s a good enough job.  I’m not living paycheck to paycheck.  I can afford to have fun and take vacations.  But my job is not my passion.  And every story you see elevated on social media is: ‘I loved this thing.  It became my passion.  And then it became my career.’  There’s not many people saying: ‘My job isn’t my passion, but I love mountain biking on the weekends.  And that’s enough for me.’  I think the feeling I’m trying to resolve is a sense of ‘enoughness.’ There’s so much I love about my life, but I spend most of my time at work.  Is it OK to get my joy outside of work?  Or does my passion need to be tied to my livelihood and a sense of responsibility?” (Toronto, Canada)

[stealthmodeon]

“Solitude is necessary to balance things out.  But isolation is different. It doesn’t feel like a choice.  I don’t want people to see me. There’s this shame for not having much of a life.  Everyone else has full lives and families and jobs.  So I keep to myself.  It’s like there’s a big hole inside of me.  And a lot of air.  Some days it can be hard to move.  Recently I became really malnourished. One morning I woke up with an intense headache, and ended up having a seizure on the floor of my apartment.  I spent the next three months at a hospital in Brooklyn.  They let me take my wheelchair anywhere.  I could explore new floors and meet new people.  If anyone needed water, or books from the library— I’d get it for them.  My social worker told me that everyone liked having me there.  It was the strongest sense of community I’ve ever had.  I’ve been depressed since I got home.  I want to go back.”

[stealthmodeon]

so i forgot about the time and accidentally got into new year stalking my ex-boss online

2019 started off just brilliant

[stealthmodeon]

“I was loving without being loved.”

— Clarice Lispector (via goodreadss)

[stealthmodeon]

reading a book of a friend is overwhelming because I know exactly what that paragraph on the 91st page is referring to and where he got his inspiration from as he wrote it

it felt as if I was staring right into the most private and sacred parts of his mind

nothing weird but it was deeply personal

not sure if I should keep reading

[stealthmodeon]

“I turned fifty a couple weeks ago. I’ve lived in the same neighborhood for most of my life, which makes it more challenging because everything around me has changed so dramatically. My best friend and I got our first apartment here when we were twenty years old. We used to play this game where we’d race each other through the streets. We’d take off our shirts and run to the Hudson. First one to get there was King Of The World. There was a vibrancy back then. People would see us running but they’d be OK with it. Because we were young. We were allowed to take up space. You think you’ll act young forever but the rules change. Your audience won’t allow it. We’re programmed to see older people a certain way. You can almost chart it on a graph. You disappear as you age and the world notices you less and less. And it makes you realize how much energy you got from being noticed.“

[stealthmodeon]

Just as the slavemaster of that day used Tom, the house Negro, to keep the field Negroes in check, the same old slavemaster today has Negroes who are nothing but modern Uncle Toms, 20th century Uncle Toms, to keep you and me in check, keep us under control, keep us passive and peaceful and nonviolent. That’s Tom making you nonviolent.

[stealthmodeon]

When I was training to be a battered women’s advocate, my supervisor said something that really blew my mind:

“You can always assume one thing about your clients; and that is that they are doing their best. Always assume everyone is doing their best. And if they’re having a day where their best just isn’t that great, or their best doesn’t look like your best, you have to be okay with that.”

Any now whenever anyone in my life, either a friend or a client, frustrates me, disappoints me, or pisses me off, I just tell myself They are doing their best. Their best isn’t that great today, but I have days where my best isn’t that great either. 

[stealthmodeon]

i changed my job and now i am nobody in the new place

[stealthmodeon]

kind of figured that my mom has a thing for bad boys

[stealthmodeon]

[stealthmodeon]

attention is what I want

attention is what I hate

[stealthmodeon]

Listen — are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?

Mary Oliver, Have You Ever Tried To Enter The Long Black Branches

Read more at wordsnquotes

(via wordsnquotes)

[stealthmodeon]

Nodus Tollens & Liberosis

23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.

Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening

Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.

Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.

Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.

Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

[stealthmodeon]

Three years of journaling Instagram: ghostly_t

[stealthmodeon]

Hello again!

To answer your question I can say, those interesting combination of story forms do compliment each other. At least, in a way. At least, for me. The screenplay I’m working on is going to be a favor for a friend of mine who wants to shoot a short film for her workshop. The idea is to put the characters around a table and let them talk. Which is what I can do. Since I do not feel confident enough to put the set worlds and the created backstories for my characters to develop from into words, which is crucial for writing a novel, the screenplay is the best way to show my skills on keeping the conversation flowing. I can write pages of dialogue. Back and forth between two individuals or in a group where everyone gets to participate and say something. There is, of course, some scene-setting, acting or emotional description, but it’s mostly up to the director and the actors to bring it to life. So, it’s not that much of a headache for me. And the short stories are basically some random ideas popping up in my mind as I work on the screenplay. Most of the time, they are way too random and I cannot find a place for them to fit in. So, I change character names, put them into a different environment, turn some parts of the conversation into inner dialogues, try to add some movement and emotional depth to have a story.

In addition to serving as origin stories or side adventures for the characters, these stories are the practice runs. Attempts to put worlds and characters, which are well-rounded in my mind, on a paper. Merely baby steps to have the right skills to write a novel, which is the eventual goal. I hope they will lead me to where you are at and where you’re heading to. Although, the race apparently will never be over as there will always be something to edit even after publishing, it still must be pleasant to know it has been a good run filled with experiences. Crossing my fingers for you, marking the milestones along the way to the amazing. Thank you for taking time and responding to my tiny attempt to get more social on here. And also thanks for giving a hint about how the way to publish a book is going to look like. Best of luck!

Hi @stealthmodeon!

Thank you so much for the follow! 

That’s an interesting combination of story forms! Do you feel like they compliment each other? 

Unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as finishing a project. I definitely don’t feel as though I’ve personally tasted it.

I have finished drafts, but those usually feel more like passing mile markers while running a marathon than finishing the race itself. 

I submitted a completed version of my manuscript for evaluation in my master’s course, knowing that I would have to return to it for edits before I sent it to agents. I rewrote it last winter and submitted it to agents back in April, and knew that I would be completely rewriting it before sending it to editors. 

I know now that when I finish this draft, I’ll (hopefully!!!!) be editing it with an editor, and that there will probably be major rewrites there too. 

Technically, the 18-to-24 month publishing process would be the end, and I can only hope that will feel amazing, but even then I think it would be hard to accept that the book is in its final form. I’ve heard of authors making tiny edits as they read chapters aloud at events long after the book is published. 

[stealthmodeon]

I’ll be never as cool as I wish to be