steezy-a3

[steezy-a3]

white li(n)es

i can be very toxic

& i don't care one bit

i just want you to want me

we're perfect for each other- can't you see?

i'll lie about my sobriety

saying i don't want another october

i'll pretend to be sober

so you'll give me one more hickey

why can't you be obsessed with me?

you give such mixed signals

but i only want to make you mine

so i'll do and say whatever it takes

because you're the best at sex

please hold me and tell me it'll all be okay

and maybe i'll truly put the booze away

love me

and i'll become the best i can be

[23/11/2020]

[steezy-a3]

where legs dangle

flocks of light pinned to lexical lipstick and, tucked like a wing, turned to laughter. researching these variations, one learns a way to be, in a certain language, where no language is being spoken.

[steezy-a3]

Winter In Paris

The snow fell in Paris we walked beneath the Eiffel Tower to have our portraits painted by a forgotten artist Drinking our coffee along cobblestone roads caught up in the hustle of city traffic it was winter time but if felt like magic

[steezy-a3]

don’t be afraid

my ankles drive fence posts -

I have no poetry for you,

no existential sayings.

you are changed, divorced

and cleaning up shit.

you are alone at the bus stop,

dressed like an addict.

the cigarettes smell terrible,

and your knees are bruised.

no one speaks to you,

you are a non-person,

a stranger.

life goes on.

you feel too old to paint,

you are being spoken to

and your mail has been delivered.

you are moving forward

and you aren’t done.

you are busy,

busy,

busy -

and you aren’t dead.

[steezy-a3]

you don't care anymore

so i'll go back to my self destructive behaviours

it's not like i planned on staying sober

but you're no longer rooting for me

so i don't know why i should bother

i'll go back to chugging vodka like it's water

and snorting cocaine like i'm part of the bourgeoisie

(please don't give up on me)

[steezy-a3]

how strange

how i don't ache to hear your voice anymore. how i now think you're a bore. how you're no longer my first thought in the morning. how i now find you and your friends jarring.

missing you is no longer a thing i do. i'm so glad i never gave you a tattoo. by the way, i gained back all the weight i lost when i was with you (though it's not something i'm happy about). would you be surprised if i told you i stopped drinking? i actually don't care what you could be thinking.

one last thing : every feeling i have for you is shrinking. love disappeared first... and turned to hate. and even that one is leaving me now. i do not have the energy to hate you anymore. the only thing you are to me now is a memory. a someone who once mattered. a someone who now belongs to the past.

[steezy-a3]

you're out of sight

but still very much in my mind

you were in my dream last night

what you said stuck with me

even if it's just my subconsciousness making up stories

the you in my dream told me that the you in real life told nothing but lies

and i can't help but sigh

for once in my life, i hope it was not a sign

[steezy-a3]

your lips are turning blue

your body feel as cool that color

your brain begs for more

but you need to push through

that rush isn't good

yet you'd keep going if you could

it's terribly wrong to be this hooked

your cravings remain misunderstood

you're in denial about being addicted

it's a sickening obsession

and when you start wondering,

wether you'll wake up in bed or heaven

maybe you should think about recovering

[steezy-a3]

i'm sleeping in my sister's daughter's room tonight- i'm surrounded by teddies and toys

the walls are purple and bedazzled and the sound of the drizzle makes me whole again

there's an indescribable smell, it's like innocence and childhood were made in a scent

the bed is so small for my self but i've never felt this safe, sleeping alone on a mattress that is someone else's

[steezy-a3]

in my darkest nights

even the lonely candle on my nightstand

is not enough to bring me light

i don't understand

why i feel this way all the time

as if my mind is a cold place

where the sun can only shine

through thick grey clouds

i'm losing faith

[steezy-a3]

your heart is already in someone else's hands

and it's been crushed by them

but you don't want to leave

instead you let me believe

that i'll have the chance to hold it in mine

i promise that i'll heal it and cherish it

just give it time

and i'll make it all alright