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Fuck This Noise

Another project to objectify with

Your discerning tastes. Any suggestions

met with disapproving sneers.

Five beers down and I’m not beauty nor brains nor

bride. Besides, I’m comfortable in your lie,

Asexual prowess, power, finesse.

Such a mess, in order. I guess

You suggest another delay and I’ll lay down.

Fuck

This 

Noise.

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A long time since I’ve seen my blog...

But I’ve hit some sort of confusing high/low. I just need to rant to nobody. It appears I have wasted so much time and I became old. All I wanted was a baby. All I still want is a baby. And that is never going to happen.

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If I Could Read Your Mind... sigh

If you could read my mind love What a tale my thoughts could tell Just like an old time movie 'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well In a castle dark or a fortress strong With chains upon my feet You know that ghost is me And I will never be set free As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see If I could read your mind love What a tale your thoughts could tell Just like a paperback novel The kind that drugstores sell When you reach the part where the heartaches come The hero would be me But heroes often fail And you won't read that book again Because the ending's just too hard to take I'd walk away like a movie star Who gets burned in a three way script Enter number two A movie queen to play the scene Of bringing all the good things out in me But for now love, let's be real * I never thought I could act this way * And I've got to say that I just don't get it I don't know where we went wrong But the feelin's gone And I just can't get it back If you could read my mind love What a tale my thoughts could tell Just like an old time movie 'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well In a castle dark or a fortress strong With chains upon my feet But stories always end

And if you read between the lines You'll know that I'm just tryin' to understand The feelin's that you lack

I never thought I could feel this way And I've got to say that I just don't get it I don't know where we went wrong But the feelin's gone And I just can't get it back

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So, I see her name pop up on your screen. I pretend I don't. You take the laptop into the other room and I hear that fucking beep again and again. Oh, but I'm just crazy and jealous! This is all my fault! Like always, hahaha! I have nothing left to offer so just put me out of my misery, for fuck's sake.

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You’ve Been Flirting Again | Björk

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I am so desperately lonely.

I will soon have a well paying job, my family are fantastic and I know what I want from life. Leaving him was an incredible thing to do and I did it well, with all the grace I have to offer. But I never wanted to leave. Sometimes what you want and what you need are opposing forces. What I wouldn't give to have you here right now. I wouldn't be drunk or smoking or binge eating. I would be comforted by some sweet lie or simplification. But I am here, alone, watching Netflix and wondering why I have only 3 friends left when I give my heart and soul to everyone I know. I bleed for these people. I have no secrets. 

And she. She was a sacrifice I made. I could have been more without her. But I chose her. Because she made me laugh and she understood me. And she disregarded me. And still I beg for forgiveness.

This is all some cruel punishment for my awful behaviour. I have tried to be good. I have given my time for the less fortunate because money is something I do not have.

All I want is equal love.

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I Am Not Yours

I am not yours, not lost in you, Not lost, although I long to be Lost as a candle lit at noon, Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still A spirit beautiful and bright, Yet I am I, who long to be Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love – put out My senses, leave me deaf and blind, Swept by the tempest of your love, A taper in a rushing wind.

Sara Teasdale

photo location: Chios, Greece

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I hope she's good to you and makes you feel irrational feelings and do things without thinking. I hope you can be happy. I have been trying to pretend that I'm better off without you and happier than I have ever been. I am not. Most days I am fine, but I miss you so much I can feel it physically.

-

Maybe I asked too much of you. I just wanted you to be mad about me. As mad as I was. As mad as I am. But I was mad enough for the two of us. And maybe she will make you think with your heart and love with your head. Maybe you'll get married.

-

And maybe I will blow my head off.

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~Some popular essential oil uses.

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Deserter's Songs

On our first date we went to see Mercury Rev performing Deserter's Songs. Now it's over, I listen to it on repeat. Lines just jump out.

You had to choose, a side to lose, and divide yourself in two The way you were, long before, you were a walkin' civil war But you forget, where the road goes, and tonight it shows...

The choir disappears, and voices in your heard appear leading you again, endlessly If the armies of her soul, take you by surprise and flee leaving you again, endlessly And the darkships of her eyes surrender to you suddenly, leading you again, endlessly Standing in a street, the line beneath the falling leaves, leading her again endlessly And of all the stars above, only one reminds her of leaving you again endlessly

Tears in waves, minds on fire Nights alone by your side

An' farewell gold'n ring oh you hollow little thing like a wave along th' coast i've come t'love th' hi's and lows when in th' end yr just a band a funny bird that never lands an' yr th' only one i know...

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Satisfied or saturated?

With comfort, caring and carbohydrates.

A darling embrace of liquorice lace

Twist my words around your tongue.

-

It's too easy to be alive.

It's too easy to be alive.

It's too easy to be alive

-

Loneliness or liberty?

Solitaire, sombre and sorted.

I sing sweet words I've long ago heard

As poverty kisses my body cold.

-

It's too much to be alive

It's too much to be alive

It's too much

-

Driven or drone?

With patience, pity and persistence.

Well-dressed up in my stress

And I still hear each syllable as clear

-

It's much too easy to be dead

It's much too easy to be dead

It's much too easy to be dead 

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Slapping myself in the face with my own boob when I turn in my sleep is a real life problem for me.

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Sigh. End of an era

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