sttxsr

[sttxsr]

SCARED OF LOSING YOU

carl grimes fic based off the song "death cup"

words that look like this are lyrics<3

you had never cried in front of carl. not when your mom had died, or when your best friend died. not when you had to shoot your own father. you cried, yes. but you'll be damned if you ever cry in front of him.

he's grown to be strong, yet you can't help but feel like he still needs you. despite being the same age, he would lean on you for help when he was younger.

so when ron tried to shoot him, it's not an exaggeration to say you were shaking. literally trembling. mostly because of all the adrenaline from the walkers around you, or hell, maybe it was just because you loved him too much to lose him.

in your head, you convinced yourself it would all be okay. you've been through too much, there's no way he died like this.

and you were right, the instant wave of relief when michonne plunged her katana through ron made you feel like you were about to see the gates of heaven.

you went to hug him, obviously, the boy was almost shot. you didn't know what you would do without him.

and then he turned around.

it was hard for a while. you couldn't sleep, had no appetite, and had an attitude with whoever tried talking to you. daryl was for sure worried for you, you've barely been home recently.

instead, you've stayed by carls side. begging in your head and out loud for him to be okay. you cried every night for a long while, until daryl walked in one night. you made sure keep your feelings inside after that.

you were there when he woke up. groggy and confused, asking you what's happened. you could feel the tears prickling your eyes when he noticed his eye was gone.

i think it's bout time that I warn you I might cry in front of you.

you tried your best to keep them away, comforting him as much as you could. but seeing him look at himself in the mirror, with this disgusted, and disappointed, and miserable face.. you couldn't help but feel like you could've done more.

tears roll down your cheeks silently, as much as you tried to hold them in, and you quickly wipe them away praying he doesn't see you as weak.

he stared at you, probably thinking about how you see him. a monster? but you'd never see him like that. even so, he's sure that's why you're crying. why you're avoiding eye contact.

and I don't want you to feel like I'm afraid of the truth.

before you knew it, you couldn't stop yourself, they were just flowing out. you mumbled an apology. maybe for crying, or maybe it's for not protecting him enough. whatever the reason, you kept apologizing, trying to wipe the tears away.

“why are you apologizing?” he grabs your arm softly, getting you out of your head for the moment. you think about it for a few seconds. and you really don't know.

“.. I thought you were seriously gonna die, carl” you say, your breathing hitching in-between words. you look down, trying to hide your face from his eye.

and I didn't want you to feel like it was all your fault.

you looked back up at him, his expression unreadable. it made you feel like he didn't care, even though you knew he wasn't like that.

after that day, he avoided you like the plague. it killed you, seeing him hide from you like that. whenever you did get a chance to look at his face, he had the same unreadable expression from before. the thoughts saying he hated you just kept creeping in. maybe he blames you for not helping enough?

but that doesn't mean that I wanted you to feel nothing at all.

you were tired of it. so you cornered him in his own home. Rick was gone, and he couldn't leave and hide away again.

“why do you keep avoiding me?” god knows you tried to seem angry at him, but it came out more like desperation.

“I'm not.” he denies. now that you're talking, you can see that the unreadable demeanor is fading off. he seems more anxious.

“you are! just tell me why.” once again, you can feel tears threatening to leave. he hesitates for a moment, but decides to give you the truth.

“I didn't want you to see me like this.. . he basically whispered the last part, and you couldn't understand. it took a few seconds for you to tell him to speak up. you didn't think you really wanted to know anymore, you just wanted your best friend back.

“i just..” he hesitates. it's cute, if you weren't focused on staying calm.

what do you want me to say when I can't tell you the truth?

“I thought you'd see me differently.” he's fidgeting with his hands, then tilts his hat down to cover his eyes.

“I was with you all day and all night! hell, I've seen your eye more than you have.”

please tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to deal with losing you.

he looked guilty. like he's regretted avoiding you. “I'm sorry.” he looks up at you slightly.

“just- stop ignoring me, please.” you ask him.

“it won't happen again, ma'am.” he gives you a small salute. you can tell he's trying to lift up the vibes but he looks so awkward and dumb.

you both laugh.

notes!: I'm trying to improve my writing style so please please please give some tips or something. also I take requests<3

[sttxsr]

hiii so I'm new to tumblr and decided imma start writing oneshots/fanfics. idk what to write though so if y'all have any ideas, I'll pretty much write anything! so here are the fandoms I'm in + the people I love in it <3

twd - CARL

spiderman - peter obviously??

itsv, atsv - powler miles <33

pjo universe - Percy and Luke !!!

it doesn't seem like a lot cuz for SOME REASON I go braindead whenever I need to remember specific things 😣

also just cuz i only have a few favorites in each fandom don't mean I won't write about other people. anyways bye bye!