stuck-in-my-past

[stuck-in-my-past]

Wish I was better at writing and at animation. I'm listening to so many songs and I just come up with so many scenarios for my OC and me♥. Seriously ugh I love my fictional husbands? technically boyfriends, well lately it just two specifically. Hence boyfriends, yea ugh

all I want is love

these two men got me in a damn chokehold and its soo

embarrassing like that one song

Whatever you want from me I'm giving you everything

You've given me ecstasy You are my fantasy

oh my god just Leon and him!♥ i need to breathe💔

ugh head over heels over these damn men? wait they're both like ..

[stuck-in-my-past]

Just make it stop it is nothing new. especially when I can't sleep this late at night.I hate this I loathe myself. My skin feels so disgusting It all just feels like a joke. Am I such a waste? To you I'd throw myself at your feet beg for your image your grace to graze me. Maybe I ramble on and on saying nothing of meaning after all my words seem to be meaningless to you. I can't take it, all these sleepless nights lying awake all the time craving your love. Tell me those sweet words to carve into my soul. No of curse you don't look at me with such contempt, its only my fault, why do I treat myself to this. so taught I'm breaking my strings winding so thin each thread so thin it won't hold me whole for much longer. How I wish I could tattoo your name across my skin mark you with my love but all I am to you is a nobody. Once we're all alone I have never felt so alone yet so whole. Promise you'll never let me go. For once let me stay I beg of you. Despite my thoughtless inaction and derange is it any wonder I find myself so alone. despite my words, all my harlotry perversions? How could I pretend you would give me an ounce of your loving grace For all I do is forge my innocence. It is all I have to offer it seems, though no personality or any determination in my mind. Like a lovesick fool waiting for your sole approval of my life. As if you were my saviour. it is all I ever hope for, how pathetic really is it of me to imagine such a thought

[stuck-in-my-past]

Ok so this is like a little excerpt from a diary? what do you think? Does it sound enough like Evie? **context

**this is supposed to be after they had met and Leon was already working for the government. IT's a bit of different days where they meet each other but seems each visit gets shorter and shorter and it just upsets her. (each day is a different colour)

For as long as I can remember I just, well let's just say I've gotten used to the thought of being alone. maybe this time even if for a little bit you could find it in your heart .. to love me as I love you.

but God I feel so selfish for wanting you this way. Tell me is it so terrible to ask that you want me back? I want you to want me

Tell me you love me back, but it doesn't matter does it. I don't have a clue as to what you're thinking, worse I can never seem to get a glimpse of you. No matter how far my voice echoes out it can never reach you clearly. I feel so silly, have you ever seen such an absurd thought. Here I am singing love songs and writing love letters as if you were mine to begin with. It ripples through it stains every ounce of my being god I have never felt such a maddening desire like this before. What I'd do to have you in my life. However every time I am around you I find myself tongue tied tripping over my own two feet. Stumbling and staring like some sort of loser. ♥

These are all thoughts I tell myself unable to find it in me to explain. How could I especially now that you're gone. Of course I try to rationalize your sudden disappearances knowing fully well it is a matter of your life. One you did not choose which is why I refuse to call it your job you never chose such a career no you were forced into it. I wish there were someway to comfort you, no I know there is it's just a matter of time. Time we both know we don't have.

[stuck-in-my-past]

1:47 currently it is just soo.. Lately with everything going on I have been feeling well low? I cried the other day thinking of the worst. I know i shouldn't bee thinking so negatively but I just broke a bit. Felt like my whole world was crumbling down once again. Instead weirdly enough I thought of what my family and friends would tell me to do, a deep breath to compose myself. hmmph composure yea right more like after I finally stopped sobbing. I have to put on a brave face even if it does feel so bleak nothing to strain myself just try to focus on today on my current thoughts. Anyway I thought of Leon~ I know I know it's like I'm obsessed with him I'm not I swear. Believe it or not when I was younger I was actually afraid of him yea ,like whenever he appeared I was somehow scared he was gonna beat me up or bully me for some reason. One of the only characters I felt lame around if such a thing is possible I now tend to think I'm pretty cute but that's not the point. So right now with the fan blowing in my face it kinda feels like I can't breathe at times not like I'm drowning but you ever been on a car ride and the window down you're going a bit too fast you have to pause to take a breath? Yea like right now probably cause I haven't gotten much sleep and lately my body is soo hungry probably stress i sometimes stress eat ok shh …… The thought of having someone in bed next to me just keeping me calm and at ease. He would probably tell me some cheesy joke or corny line about never giving up into despair? He seems the type not like nagito type he wouldn't force you to hope but yea like a nudge here and a "don't worry buddy"while he ruffles your hair giving you a warm smile that makes you smile and even giggle a bit. Personally I think his smile is so precious like aww my heart but also like I could stare at you for hours

I toss and turn staring at the ceiling the wavy texture slowly morphing into vivid images in my mind like a moving picture wow who knew a popcorn ceiling could be so entertaining. I turn my head glancing at my floor lamp Ugh I really should turn it off not like I'm even actively using it. you're just wasting electricity my father would say. With a deep breath I glance at the clock mot really paying attention instead my mind focuses on the vivid red light. With that I groan grabbing at my arm man lately its like my scars and heart have been hurting lately. Not like I don't take care of them or anything just been hurting a lot more lately don't know why same with my neck. The other day I remember my dad asking me if I wanted to play on the piano (keyboard) I didn't but he did show me some music he enjoyed back in his day, also told me about his life growing up. It makes me wonder if I'm some kind of mistake I feel so soft compared to my parents the hardships they've been through and here I am just crying alone in my bed like every other time something awful happens. Sire I try to help others bit only.. god I feel so pathetic crying just for crying. Stupid I know you feel bad for crying? quell yea I do.

With that as I sniffle wiping away my tears I try to listen to music but instead I feel like such a coward calling him ..Especially at this hour. Ugh I feel so weird I want to be comforted by why by him? either way I snort the moment I hear a slight groan on the other end. "hmm ugh.. Hello? " I freeze I press mute before giggling to myself, is this dumb..no seriously this is probably a stupid idea but I did it, I called him for a reason why? why now… why now is my mind my brain bringing up the possibility he's with her. Eww I feel weird I could have just asked her she's supposed to be a friend right so why not her ? Sorry Evie I swear I'm not trying to make it weird but now I kinda have to admit that I do feel a bit weird . A soft huff on the other end his voice more alert concerned even " Uh..Hello.. Lilly?…can you hear me?…Did you fall asleep on your phone again?" Some sort of guttural sound not even a squeak more like a growl as I try to respond unmuting my phone. instead all he heard was me babbling no stammering trying to speak, embarrassed I take a deep breath and exhale trying to calm my nerves. "Ahh~sorry just..had a question but it feels so dumb now..seems so trivial but now I just kinda feel like a fucking dick for calling you so late"

A chuff escapes from his lips before he could actually speak his mind. He sinks back into his chair his hands running through his hair before scratching his head. His tone canty he sniffles "Must be a hell of a question" a soft hum " Well shoot then don't got all night, well" He glances at his car radio the clock staring back at him he fiddles with the knob lowering the volume.. With a slight panic in my voice I small hard trying to think of something to say. Shit what the fuck do I ask now?? Hey come over I'm sad and need to be told everything is gonna be alright. don't mind that I'm the one who called first in the middle of the fucking night?! I shake my head trying to think think think think girlie!! Instead all I can hear is a fucking metronome in my head, or is that my heart ugh god stop being soo.. A deep sniffle I yawn "this is kinda embarrassing but can you come over? like its kinda like.. I'm sad and like I don't know I feel like you're always good at helping people.. " I can hear his huff " Oh so I'm like the resident cheerleader then. great yea sounds wonderful .. Sure why not not like I got anything better to do" I wanna ask if he's being sarcastic but I can hear him start up the car as he hangs up. Oh why do I feel so stupid..so soo guilty I should be fixing my own problems .. right?

As soon as I hear a knock at my door he sends a message "I'm here I guess" I make my way to the door I look through the peephole and laugh he looks so silly from this angle. With a thin smile I wave him in. He rolls his shoulders making himself comfortable on the couch rubbing his eyes. Based on his expression I take it he hasn't been getting much sleep either. Do you want me to-" he cuts me off "Nah nah its fine" With that he crosses his arms his face looks pitiful I feel a pit in my stomach. "So what is it What's your issues..what's on your mind?" he continues.

[stuck-in-my-past]

Unsure how to format this like technically it won't just be a reblog but yea. Basically I have celebrated my birthday at this point, many thanks to friends and fam♥ wayy to much cake though lol. Anywho for now I have played the sims again and it madde me want to write once more! Yea so like last time Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtOcxj3NDBI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K6EiW7c0jw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTKwR1YxAwg

Softly lulling into bed I stare at the clock 06:47 flashing on the led screen music should start playing in a couple of minutes. My alarm is always on the dot 7 and for what, not like I actually have anything to do for today. Not this early anyway I groan wishing I could just sleep in maybe a few more minutes if I'm able to but I know how that would play out. Only to have me end up starving and running late no I can't afford to fall asleep. instead I am abruptly startled before the thought ever popped into my head again. I squeak panicked I sit up waiting breathe held as I hear it again. A loud knock at the door? Front door? no.. is..is it my bedroom door? Oh Fuck. I stumble out of bed in a hurry sheets and blankets tangling around as as if begging me to stay . I struggle unbinding myself as I ask meekly "Hello? Who is it?? " Waiting for an answer I hear a small chuckle on the other side along with a quick hush. More than one person..who ever it was had a key to my apartment. I nervously answer before two sets of eyes stare back at me. "Happy Birthday" His voice warm as he presents a small white paper bag in front of me. A soft giggle as I turn to the other person groggy I accept the bag while rubbing my eyes open. Ugh I am sooo not a morning person sure as hell can't stand this shit but whoever it was sure seemed to want to catch me off guard. Their voice slowly coming to recognition. I perk up I gasp their faces now more clearer.

As I blush in embarrassment for not recognizing them but I'm also inappropriately dressed, my pajamas aren't exactly meant to be worn out I probably look like a slob.. I shake my head he pulls me into a deep hug " Ahh~ Sorry Leon Uhh..wait.." but before I can ask he shrugs we stare at each other awkwardly. " You can just say I'm hoping to get some congratulations after all I am the first person to wish you a happy birthday" he beams his proud little smirk. Aww I feel so bad lying but I just give him a flat smile " You can say that dude" I hum. I give a quick glance at the other person behind him, both Evie and I stare at one another as if to say we won't mention that he's actually not the first . I nod as he lets go " Ahh uh huh but why so early??" I ask curiously and a bit annoyed. He rubs the back of his head with a awkward smile " Yea well..You were up weren't you" I roll my eyes and playfully shove him before placing the bag on my nightstand. "Yea Yea well I'll see you..later? I assume Evie told you we plan to throw a small get together. Nothing too big just a small dinner and a cake maybe some Champagne" I tease Evie knowing that would definitely make her show up at least. She squeals " OMG YES~" she tilts her head bouncing on the balls of her feet the sound of her heels clicking together. Nodding I wave them good bye as I hear Evie make her way to the kitchen to prepare us some food. I feel so bad knowing she's just gong to be cooking nonstop this week, not like I could ask her not to. She'd probably assume it to be rude or worse that I found her food to be terrible.

I sigh closing my bedroom door, honestly kinda wish I got a heads up before being awaken technically . Oh well with a deep sigh I sit on my bed glancing at my clock as I realize something..my alarm hasn't gone off, I check the small hello kitty clock before cursing at myself. Shit great going dumb ass the volume was off omg..maybe it was a good thing they woke me up. Anyway I glance at the paper bag tossing the tissue paper aside. Chocolates and a pair of pocky boxes, each a different flavour. No doubt Evie had Leon drag her to the store for these probably begged for a box and insistent it was a gift..considering the flavour of the boxes she definitely guilt-ed him into buy another one because she ate the original. Shrugging I rip at the plastic, never really been a huge fan of white chocolate but coconut was okay, I pop the box open staring tat the contents. They smell sweet, as I pop one into my mouth letting the flavour melt I chew. Hmm seems more like truffles than a chocolate but it was pretty good. I expected as such Evie knows her sweets and Leon was willing to share whatever pleased her. Even if it meant buying another box of candy.. , oh well I mean they're really good so yea can't complain. I am about to fold up the bag when I see another small bag Swedish fish and gummy bears!? Man this is a lot of candy.

II take another deep breath changing m clothes until I find something casual a t-shirt with a cute graphic design and some dark wash jeans. I make my way out with slippers I am greeted by the scent of butter. She's placed some english muffins on the frying pan. She makes breakfast sandwiches for us. I sniffle watching Leon glance at his watch with a grimace, seems he doesn't want to leave just yet. Doubt he wants to work but bet he only came early because of work. I ask how his morning has been and if he's had any strange dreams lately. He chuckles" Oh come on now don't tell me you're gonna start thinking your dreams have meaning too. God I swear if its not about weird dreams then its about some bizarre superstition"He teased glancing at Evie seems she's been getting pretty adamant something in her dreams. I puff up my cheeks " Nah, just curious is all. You don't dream? " He swallows a bit harder and glances back at Evie as if wanting to change topic immediately, Evie turns to me as if on cue. " Uh you know lately I've been having some weird dreams about bears Leon's usually.." she pauses as if she almost slipped up before going back to cooking. I glance at Leon once again before grabbing my mug. " Anyway you want some coffee? you've probably been up pretty early if you really wanted to be the first to wish me happy birthday" I murmur knowing the real reason why but the last thing I want is to make him uncomfortable or sound like an ass hole. ~

[stuck-in-my-past]

[ Theme #11: TTYL ]

Preview + Install (Theme Garden) Live Preview + Static Preview + Code (GitHub)

A responsive, all-in-one theme that includes the option to hide the about, navigation, muses, following, and recently liked sections!

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6 sections are included in the theme (blog posts, an about me, navigation links, muses, following, and recently liked posts).

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Supports NPF posts and page links.

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[stuck-in-my-past]

HI♥ ME here going to write as I haven't finished my animation plus I can't sleep!! Yea

So right now currently listening to beadoobee? lovesong it is soo cute

Maybe Evie only though and like RE characters? right now I haven't really read a lot on many favourite so currently just Leon cutie, Chris, Ada, Claire, Rebecca, Jill, Sherry, Piers my main man! , Jake and maybe even a special appearance by a certain super soldier ⦿⩊⦿ by the name of ▓▓▓▓

That's right! time to party with them :p oh and gonna try to write for each group I can think of? idk how I'm gonna envision the gang from scrubs or columbo helping me celebrate? Maybe each day of the week a different group of characters? Oh Archer is gonna be super fun >w<

Okay Sunday! Early morning think like literally 3 am which is totally not when I'm writing this shhh also song while I write https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRaiTuw9Z0A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGfeCe0DHtI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2tEWFck_c0

I'm busy thinking of what to draw I never really was that great at animating especially not digitally. Worse when I can barely get a hand of this whole digital tablet thing, worse I feel like an ass hole whenever I so much as complain or have to undo a single stroke. Ugh fucking hell how am I worse than using my phone?! Well right now I'm just trying to add little by little but I was never the best at perspective. Annoyed I save then go to grab my iPod, A thousand miles is the first song to play at random I always leave it on shuffle. I may be awake super early but seems today is up to me to celebrate on my own with a slight cough I can't stress no I shouldn't. Seriously I shouldn't stress myself out so much parents told me we're celebrating on the weekend regardless so that sounds goo. I feel like such a loser knowing them they'd probably still send balloons but feels a bit lonely to have to celebrate by myself, maybe i am a bit of a brat its nothing bad just won't be on the day. Should get over it but for some reason I want to happen on the day I want to look at the moon and smile knowing I am one year older now! So for now I guess since when the day comes I'll bake something the day before and set it out on the balcony to share with the stars. Something about gazing up at the moon makes me..What am I talking about its supposed to be a new moon anyway. Guess that's on point new beginnings and such.

Just then I receive a message "Hey… You up :3" Glancing at the screen I snort awww I think to myself. Then another message "Open the door or else.. I mean please ..buzz me in its fucking cold!!" Before I could respond I hear her voice as now she's calling "Lilly~ ah ~OPEN THE DOOOOOR "she whines I giggle. With a deep breath I put on some slippers and head downstairs I can see her from the gate I make my way unlocking the door. "Evie HII OMG It..What the fuck?!"I stammer as I try to take the tray in her hands but she only moves forward insistent on bringing it inside. I huff watching her struggle knowing she was just a bit too stubborn when it came to her creations. Once inside I offer her some water before she speaks up she squeaks and squeals excitedly "This is my first try okay!! oh plus its all vanilla! except the garnish obvi oh open your freezer please"With that I help her make space in my freezer where she swipes the box of frozen chocolates helping herself to some. A satisfied hum as she discards the wrapper taking a bite " Oh peanut butter" She chews softly taking a seat in front of me I giggle once more watching her try to chew on the frozen chocolate. " Soo ice cream cake? "I ask curious as to what possessed her to make it especially at this hour let alone even bring it. Nodding she wallows as she begins to rummage through her purse as well her hands were ice cold as she hands me a small box. My brows furrow as I squeeze her hand trying to give them some warmth. "Want me to make you some hot chocolate? get your hands all warm thanks by the way. Almost thought I would have to spend my birthday alone..well on the day. Family is planning a party on the weekend if you wanna join. Think its on a Sunday?" I explain preparing some water to boil with a mug in hand now she waits eagerly for her warm beverage. Its way too early but might as well spend time together not like either of us are going to bed anytime soon. So we spend time talking about our plans for the next day or well technically later on today. We laugh and laugh before we end up falling asleep. I felt bad knowing she came out all this way just to give me a gift and a cake a homemade one too! I offer her the guest room and some extra pajamas with that we fall asleep around the same time, I place the gift on my nightstand. With a small yawn I try to get some sleep well needed rest. I even send her a text in case she was still awake "Goodnight Evie see you in the morning <3 I'll make us pancakes okay!"

As birds begin to chirp with the light of dawn creeping in I do my best to wake up just a significant bit earlier than her. A bit late but thankfully I don't think either of us have work today with that I head ti the kitchen and prepare breakfast for the both of us. Scrambled eggs, pancakes, berries and some bagels. I know either of us really enjoy coffee but I still place a pot of water just in case she wants hot cocoa or tea this time. Stomach growling I hear her come in yawning " Yum! I can't wait..uh wait.. but aren't you supposed to not do anything on your birthday" She asks but I shrug honestly I'm just happy to not spend the day alone. Besides a whole week I'm gonna spoil myself might as well find a way to share the wealth ya know! As we eat I pass the syrup and offer her some jam she smiles at me as we eat in peace.

We spend most of the day preparing for the week, grocery shopping, watching movies, listening to music and singing to our heart's content. Its nice but I can't help but feel a bit out of place despite her being well meaning all I've gotten was well wishes from family. Not much from friends if anything I had wished I also had family here to help celebrate but I guess video calls will have to do. As the day begins to unwind Evie smiles at me asking if I'm alright. Of course I say I am after all its her presence that has made me from falling into a spiral made me feel as if I'm not so alone this time. It feels like I've been hanging by a thread this entire month its only until now do I realize how worn thin I've been. Maybe for now I can focus on myself if just for a week. With Evie here I can just think a bit more clearly now. I turn to her in mid-thought her head tilts as she's off in her own world it makes me chuckle. "Hey you busy this whole week? I was thinking we could go somewhere you know like a museum or like the beach? " as she now turned to me the question slowly flowing through her mind. With a soft hum she asks"Why you want to do something together? Cause I kinda..already made some plans" with a bite ti her thumb she gives me an awkward smile. I can't be mad seems reasonable, I shouldn't just assume the whole world revolves around me after all, I press on asking for details but all she gives me is another wistful hum. I offer her a strained smile before taking a deep breath, exhaling as I speak Don't worry I'm just curious is all.. " Its true I am but she doesn't want to tell me then that's alright. Not much to talk about after that a simple hug and a goodbye with her wishing me well and to have a good birthday. I hug and wave her goodbye as I walk her out the door and to her car. May have been a day barely considering we slept most of the day away I feel but it was simple and it was lovely …a lovely afternoon I guess.

I make my way back to my home going out to the balcony watching her drive away. I scratch my cheek heading into my room glancing at the clock, I put on some music just something to ease my mind. OR well too keep my mind from racing not that I have a tendency to overthink just sometimes my mind buzzes or races with my thoughts lost in my head.Why does everything feel so simple yet I only ever seem to overcomplicated everything.. God What a mess my life is~