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stupididiotfreak-blog · 3 months

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But you'd find my dog annoying, because he barks at cats and barks at people when he's laying on their legs and they move.

But you'd find my cat annoying, because he is obsessed with digging into mirrors and glass and it is loud and chaotic.

But you'd find my neighborhood annoying, because it isn't peaceful and the drive would be a lot for you and you hate driving.

But you'd find me annoying, because I'd want to go out and meet people and see friends and be social even if it's for art and poetry.

#things to remind myself #zero

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 3 months

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My therapist told me to burn a page I wrote about all the reasons we went wrong. What I hoped to become after.

I didn't want to burn it. I dont think I'm ready to move on, but I did burn it, anyway, because she said it would help.

I thought it did, because I wanted it to.

But I woke up yesterday on my birthday and immediately wanted to cry because all I was thinking of is you.

I've been trying to fill the space you left within me by mimicking you in a lot of ways.

I'm looking at things in black and white, now. I've started listening to more music I know you liked, although we haven't spoken in some time so I don't really know if it's music you listen to anymore. I've started to wear more black clothing, because I guess visually it is weird to not see it in my day-to-day life now that you are gone.

As much as I am grieving, and I can easily let that grief have me focus on the things I enjoyed about you, I'm trying to remind myself of why it all went wrong (now that the paper has been burned) as if I am shoving my own nose in shit like a puppy being trained.

We were together for almost five years. You were my best friend for six years. I know I created a distance between us after my court trial, and I did very little to close that gap at the time and instead of actually talking to you about what I was going through, I drank beer. I sought out random people to become friends with who had no concept of my past, because I wanted to escape it. All of it.

I didn't realize it would make me lose you.

So now I'm left with this grief and also immense hurt over how you ended things. A phone call that woke me up, you accusing me of cheating on you, and then breaking up with me.

You have never once attempted to reach out to me since then. I messaged you awhile ago and asked you to delete any nude photos of me, and you responded to that. Saying you had done that for me. The last thing I said to you was that I did not want to see you right now.

Which was true. I knew I would fall apart or explode in every direction if I had seen you then. Now, I'm not sure what my response would be to that.

My heart tells me we would feel okay. Because the piece missing would at least be near us for a second again.

I hate all this therapy talk sometimes because it acts as if people can just train their hearts and minds to not be in love with someone. I wish that were true.

But more than all my wishes, I really just wish I could know how much I meant to you. How you left, and how you stayed gone, is the biggest pain I think I will ever carry.

While it is painful, I'm still not ready to let it go. I will carry this pain as my symbol of undying love for you. And maybe you might see me online looking happy or content, but that is simply me trying my best to move on.

I can't keep feeling so lost without you, it isn't healthy for myself. But I'd love to hear about what your working on. What your inspiration is currently? What shows are you watching? What music have you been listening to? And do you think of me every day, too?

I don't know if I'll ever stop missing you. I don't know if I will ever want to stop missing you.

I was in love with you before I ever met you, and when I met you I just fell in love more. You are gone, now. You seem to be doing fine without me. I want you to be happy but a selfish side of me wants you to be yearning as much as I yearn.

But I hope you aren't.

All the best.

#zero #dark days

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 3 months

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Maybe tomorrow...

Maybe next week...

Maybe next month...

Maybe next year....

I'll wake up without any tears.

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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I think the most pathetic thing I've done this year is that I spent an hour laying in bed in the morning crying as I tried to pleasure myself.

Genuinely a wakeup call

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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Today

Was the first day

In awhile.

That I looked up at the sky

And thought it was beautiful.

But it still made me think of you

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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How do I receive closure when

Everyone I know tells me not to reach out.

And how do I accept myself

For the decisions I made after you left.

I feel like you couldn't accept me anymore

And that's what makes me not want to

Accept myself.

#dark days #personal #self #zero

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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How do I keep on going

When you left you

Took all my hopes and dreams for the future

And the sun doesn't shine as bright

And I don't get captivated by the moon.

I am so sad I can tell

even my dog is worried for me.

I'm sorry I got so lost to where

I Iost my ability to communicate properly

With you.

I'm sorry I let my sadness and resentment

Overcome myself

To the point where you had to leave.

#dark days #zero

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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Things that happened since you left-

I've worked at five different jobs

My mice passed away- I have a hamster now.

Tico has disc disease, and can't run around as much or jump.

I started a new(est) job that actually pays me well and is a job that doesn't make me want to die.

I got a new boyfriend, he's really nice and shows up for me even when I anticipate being alone thru the hard times.

My seasonal depression is worse because my apartment barely has any windows.

I've been doing a lot more performance art.

I miss you more than I thought I would but I also am still trying to find myself and finish this grieving process over you, so I haven't reached out but

I hope you are okay every single day I wake up.

I'm drinking in less excess but I'm also drinking more regularly.

When we broke up I spent $400 on credit cards for whippets and I did them all alone by myself.

I'm performing again, like doing that weird shit on stage sort of performing. It's not making me happy but it doesn't make me sad. Just a processing tool for myself, I guess.

I feel guilty every day because of how much I think of you when I have this new boyfriend who is so nice to me and doesn't deserve to be with me when I am this low in life.

My neighbor at my new apartment drives me crazy.

I still keep up with Andy.

I own a couch, now, and a coffee table. And an actual mattress.

I still have your clowns, and your extension cord, and your uncles weed eater is at my house.

A few months ago I threw away some stuff I kept from our relationship but I can't bring myself to throw away the rest of it and I regret throwing any of it away, even if we never talk again.

I still watch Bob's burgers and American dad, except I watch them mainly alone now.

I'm crying a lot more than I ever had. Which I try to say is good for me, but maybe it isn't.

I unfollowed you on socials and just recently started again. I like that your new color this year is pink, you know it's my favorite.

I miss you a lot but I'm worried if I reach out I'll become an even worse person, regardless of your response. And I guess I will always be obsessed with you and I suppose that isn't healthy so I'm trying to keep a distance while also keeping you in some aspects of my life.

I still sing and make up songs and I still write poems but they're almost all about you.

I've started drawing myself as a clown but doing things I used to do with you or things I do now without you. But I draw in that black demon dude you used to draw all the time when we first met. It makes me miss you less.

I gave up on any sort of marriage or future kids because the future scares me just as much as it probably scared you when we were still dating, and nothing seems worth it anymore.

I see friends more often than I used to but

I still have a hole inside me and I don't think it will ever shrink or go away, and I'm trying to be okay with that.

#dark days #zero

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 4 months

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Grief and Loss

I felt like you started leaving me a year before you did

Becoming a person I could not talk to about my stresses or worries

Not even hopes or plans for the future.

I stopped sleeping with you because I was sad and I felt alone. The distance between us grew.

And now I'm in another relationship, and it happened faster than I thought. I feel guilty for being with them when I haven't finished grieving over my loss of you.

While we probably would have never worked out, I still lost something and I feel like getting over this, if I do, will take awhile. Some things last a long time.

I miss driving around east ridge with you and telling you how much I loved it. Or passing by industrial parks, you smiling and laughing as I enthusiastically say how much I love the scenery.

I miss telling you how beautiful a day it is, when I know you didn't agree, but you smiled anyway because you liked my perspective.

I miss the times we would listen to old emo songs from our childhood or you singing with all your expressions to Kanye West. I miss asking you if we could get married one day

but I do not miss how you would shut down and never give me an answer that made me feel sure about our future together.

I'm with someone who I can talk to about the future with, who generally shows up when I need them and I'm at my lowest. I'm with someone now who has dreams for their future.

But they don't listen to the sad songs we used to. They don't entertain the sliver of nihilism within me, like you did.

They don't even enjoy watching the same shows we would watch together.

But they want a future with me and they express that.

I thought I'd be alone after you, and I'm not sure why I found someone else so quickly. The winter was approaching and maybe, subconsciously, I knew I wouldn't make it through the end of the year without someone to hold onto.

I'm angry that you left me when I was at my lowest, but I'm still sinking and you've been gone for four months.

I've been doing performance art, again, but this time I don't have you laughing at my concepts and telling me I was the bravest person you knew.

It's good we parted, but I miss having you as my best friend. I've been trying to figure out what that means to me, even though you stopped showing up for me a long time ago. Why do I hold onto these ideas of you so closely?

I drive by your usual haunts sometimes, and every silver sedan I pass I wonder if it's you in that car- but I'm too scared to spare any glances.

I fear if I saw you again I would cry and never stop.

The person I'm with now doesn't mind my friends, and enjoys spending time with them and being social. It's refreshing but a part of me misses you, sitting quietly in corners at gatherings and nervously wiping the sweat from your palms onto your pants.

I know we were not compatible long term. But I sometimes close my eyes and think of all the moments I mentally recorded with you, and pretend I'm still there.

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stupididiotfreak-blog · 7 years

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