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[stvrgxsm]

"what if things were different" is a poisoned well and drinking from it will kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stvrgxsm]

behold, days are coming

i have never really seen God as working through dreams or whatever. i've always been a bit of a skeptic about that, and, to be honest, i still sort of am. but then everything happened and now i'm not so sure.

nothing really happened, i hope you realize. the rundown is pretty simple. i'm into a guy who works at camp with me, and he's very hard to read. we were co-counselors during week 4, and i was still dating K at that point. so i thought he was cute, but i didn't have a plan or any sort of intent with that. then after week 6 we were both on family camp, and we chatted a little there. we talked about our faiths, etc. and he told me he was a little upset about something i said during staff training about paul (as in, the apostle). he said it sounded like i was demeriting the faith or something. i assured him that that could not be farther from the truth. he was satisfied with that, i think. he said he wasn't really beefing with me, more like he wanted to finish that conversation. it was interesting.

so we talked more after that weekend, and it got to the point where he started seeking me out or chatting with me about the bible pretty often. recently it's ramped up, i will admit. he just... engaged me in conversation more often? he remembers little things about me, like my preferred pen thickness, and he sat next to me at staff worship. he commented on my harmony and we giggled about the music. when the speaker asked if anyone would like to read, he murmured, "star does." and when the speaker asked it again a few moments later, i murmured, "M does." and he smiled a little. then he sat across from me during staff lunch and we talked about our campers and the silly little questions they asked about faith, but he kept asking what i would answer them. so i shared a few of my answers, and he said, "oh, that's a good answer. that's a really good answer."

then we sat next to each other before/during a staff meeting. he showed me a tiktok on his phone that reminded him of me, and he was asking me all about how i personally read the bible, and what i get out of the old testament, and if there's a specific order i read it in, etc. i told him my routine and the little bits of 'trivia' i know about hebrew literature, and he wanted to know how i read specific books (1+2 samuel, etc). he asked me to send him some of that info, so i did. i'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's tough. yesterday during our live auction prep, he stood next to me and he kept turning around to talk with me about it. he'll chat with me about stuff pretty regularly, and today during lunch he walked part me and i asked him a scheduling question and he just said, "i don't know." i rolled my eyes, and when i turned around he was just standing there smiling stupidly. so of course i smiled too and asked him if he knew anything and he just shrugged and kept smiling.

i like the way his nose crinkles when he smiles or laughs, and i like his silly little mannerisms. he's a funny guy, and i enjoy his company.

but back to my original point, i began praying for clarity a few weeks ago, clarity about this guy in particular. and when i started praying, it started ramping up. i asked God to make this so obvious for me, to put it on his heart if he's put it on mine, etc. and then all this happened.

it's the last week of camp, and i need to lock in to lock it down. days are coming, i guess.