styxhuntress

[styxhuntress]

Just a little bucktommy/Buck does what's best for him/Tommy is the #1 Evan Buckley defender drabble for you on this Wednesday

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

Hey Tommy, sorry to bother you with this but any chance you've heard from Buck?

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

He told us he was still transferring and also taking a week off and now no one has heard from him in days.

Tommy looks at the text messages, coming in quick succession, and snorts harshly.

[TOMMY KINARD]

That sounds like a lot. Did you check his house?

Tommy knows they didn't check his house, because they have absolutely no clue what had been going on in Evan's life for at least a few weeks, probably closer to a month.

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

Uh. Well.

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

We kind of don't know where he moved to.

Tommy rolls his eyes, mutters "Jesus Christ, Chimney," under his breath.

[TOMMY KINARD]

You don't know where your own brother-in-law lives? Dude.

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

Come on man I just had a baby

[TOMMY KINARD]

I thought your wife had the baby

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

You're a comedian.

[TOMMY KINARD]

I'd say I'm here all week, but I'm actually on vacation.

[HOWIE HAN]: 1 New Message

Yeah, yeah, I'll take the hint and stop bothering you. Even though you have no sympathy for the fact that my wife is going to be very disappointed with me when she finds out I lost her brother and she's going to look at me in the way that makes me feel very sad and also guilty.

[TOMMY KINARD]

Well, if I see him I'll let you know. Good luck with all of that I guess.

Tommy chuckles again, the face pushed into his stomach bouncing a bit with it. Evan rolls, sleep-bright eyes blinking up at Tommy in confusion.

"Whatsit?" Evan mumbles, a hand coming up to wipe away at what is definitely drool in the corner of his mouth.

Evan had been napping with his head on Tommy's lap, spread out across the couch in the cabin they're borrowing from a friend of Tommy's for a weekend getaway. They'd spent the last three hours hiking (and maybe some of it making out against a tree) and Evan was still in a bit of a sleep deficit from trying to quickly get all of his stuff moved out of Eddie's house two days ago.

"Nothing, sweetheart," Tommy tells him warmly, his torso curling down towards Evan as he runs a hand through slightly sweaty but impossibly soft curls. "Just texting Chimney."

"Mmmok," Evan says, rolling back into Tommy's stomach and kicking a knee out to stretch farther down the couch. It accentuates his long, long legs which are currently wrapped in hiking shorts that are honestly just sinfully short and leggings; and Tommy is also maybe drooling a little. He's going to let Evan sleep for a little longer, knowing if he lets it go on too long Evan's sleep schedule will be ruined.

But also beacuase Tommy is more than happy to pick up where they left off against the tree; this time in the plush bed waiting for them, with enough time and sunlight leftover to then grill the steaks they had bought for dinner.

Tommy shakes himself out of the daydream that's going to end up disturbing the man impersonating sleeping beauty right over something that will give away exactly what's going through his head and looks at the text conversation again. He sighs. He doesn't think that Howie and the rest of the 118 deserve much right now, but he does sympathize with a woman who just had a baby and who has access to another woman who won't hesitate to launch a manhunt for his boyfriend.

He sighs and pulls up Maddie's phone number, but then thinks of something much funnier.

[TOMMY KINARD]

Image

[TOMMY KINARD]

Oh shit man you'll never guess what I found

[HOWIE HAN]:

Tommy what the FUCK

[styxhuntress]

I Never Really Had a Friend

A Buck-focused, bucktommy story. tags: Starting Over, Grief/Mourning, Getting Back Together, Ending Friendships, Bobby's death is mentioned, Eddie's toxic/abusive tendencies are briefly discussed, Bobby's suicidal thoughts are mentioned, Happy Ending. Rating: M. 5.4k. read below or on ao3.

Buck is sitting in the hospital, holding his nephew, thinking about the past few months of his life. The past year, really. The good, bad, and downright painful. He tries to remember the last time he was happy. Really happy.

He thinks it might be when he stumbled into his house, lips attached to Tommy’s, the two of them giggling like teenagers getting away with something.

Maybe, more precisely, it was the next morning. After he said it didn’t have to mean anything, and Tommy asked why not. For a brief moment, all the stars aligned, and everything felt right again.

Until, just as quickly, it all fell apart.

He blinks away tears, sticks his finger out for the baby to grab onto, and smiles.

Chimney’s talking to Maddie, getting her lunch order. She’s been craving an Italian sub for months, but wants it a very specific way, so Buck phases out of the conversation and focuses on his own never-ending train of thought.

Because if he really thinks about it, most of his happy memories from the past year include Tommy.

It sort of felt like the ground underneath him gave way the day Tommy left his apartment and, ever since then, he’s been trying to climb out of a gravelly pit that crumbles more every time he takes a step.

Something deep in his gut clenches when he thinks about Tommy for too long. He’s got ten unanswered messages from him, waiting for a response. Two each week since Bobby died.

Five missed phone calls too. The most recent was yesterday.

Consistent.

Buck wonders how long he’ll keep doing it. How long will he keep texting and calling before he gives it up? Before he realized Buck isn’t worth it.

He’s surprised Tommy has lasted this long, honestly.

It wasn’t that he had meant to ignore him. Tommy hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was just that Buck missed the first message, and the second one. Then he wasn’t by his phone for the first call.

And once he saw all that he’d missed, he started to write out an apology text.

Then he got distracted.

And now it felt like too much time had passed.

Time.

Buck wonders how much of that he’s got left. He feels like he’s lived a million lives already. Feels like he’s used up all of his luck. Next time… next time it’s him in that lab. Next time, he’s the one out of a third option. Next time, they’re carrying him out of the church and following behind his casket at the procession.

It makes him think of Bobby.

Bobby who, eight years ago, wouldn’t have cared to die in that lab. Who would have found nothing but peace inside of him when he realized he was infected. Wouldn’t have shed a tear.

He would have gone willingly, happily, maybe even purposefully.

The bonds he formed with everyone at the station never would have happened.

He never would have married Athena.

Never would have gotten all those extra years.

Wouldn’t have had people to miss him, to ache for him, every single moment of every single day if he’d given up back then.

He’s not sure how it all connects in his mind. It’d probably be a jumbled mess to anyone else. But to Buck, it’s clear as day.

He knows what he needs to do.

*****

Tommy’s hair is a curly mop of a mess when he opens the door. He’s half asleep, a blanket draped over his shoulders.

It’s the middle of the day, but Buck knows he just got done with a shift a couple of hours ago.

“Evan?” His head is slightly tilted to the side, face scrunched up in a sleepy confusion. “Dreamin’?”

Buck smiles, breathes out a laugh. “No, um, I- I needed to talk to you.”

Tommy moves out of the way, holding the door open for Buck to come inside.

“Sorry for not calling or texting you first,” he says as Tommy shuts the door behind him. “I just… it needed to be now.”

“It’s fine,” Tommy assures him, running his fingers through his hair. It does nothing but make his hair poof even higher. “Are you okay?”

Buck nods, a bit too enthusiastically to be believed. “Yeah, I- I’m good.”

“Mm.” Tommy tries to blink the sleep from his eyes. He points towards the kitchen. “I’m gonna fix some coffee. Try to wake up a little bit.”

Buck follows him to the kitchen, smiling as he listens to the sleepy patter of his feet. Tommy is a machine at work. Ready to jump up and fly at a moments notice. But, when he was home, he let his body rest. Let himself fall into a sleep so deep that, sometimes, Buck was sure the house could collapse around him and he’d never hear a thing.

Buck was actually surprised he’d heard the ringing of the doorbell… even if he did ring it twenty times in a row.

When it takes Tommy two tries to remember which cabinet his coffee is in, Buck nudges him out of the way. “Sit,” he says. “Let me. Least I can do after waking you.”

Tommy doesn’t argue. He sits at the barstool and waits, quietly. Buck doesn’t look back until the coffee has finished brewing. He half expects Tommy to be asleep, head tucked into the crook of his elbow.

But Tommy is watching him. Reading him. Studying him.

Buck looks away, pours Tommy a cup. “I probably should have called,” he mentions again.

“It’s really fine, Evan. I don’t go back to work for two days. Plenty of time to sleep.”

Buck finishes fixing his coffee, then slides it across the island. “Here you go.”

“Thanks. So, what’s up?”

“Just, take a few sips,” Buck replies, pushing the mug closer to Tommy. “Let yourself wake up a little bit.”

Tommy grins, lifting the mug and taking a sip. He sighs as it goes down.

Perfect.

“How was work?” Buck asks, keeping conversation light until Tommy is ready.

“Not bad. Not much downtime, but that seems to be the norm lately.”

“Yeah, it’s th- the same at our station too.”

Tommy takes another sip, then straightens his posture. “Okay, I’m awake now.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

A deep breath, a nod, and Buck begins. “I’ve been thinking, a lot, about a lot of things. My mind feels like a hamster on one of those wheels lately, just spinning, spinning, spinning, spi-” He waves a hand, stopping himself. “Anyway, um, I feel like my life is nothing like I want it to be. There’s a lot of things I thought I’d have by now, and there’s a lot of things I want, but I don’t say anything about it. I just shut my mouth and shut down and let things happen.” He squints at Tommy. “Am I making any sense?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. So, I- I’ve been wasting time. A lot of it, this last year. Well, maybe not the whole year, but most of it. And Bobby, he- he spent so long being unhappy, you know? Years of his life were spent in this- this limbo. And now he’s gone. I just… I keep thinking that in the end, all we have is time.” He’s rambling. He knows it. Tommy knows it. He reels himself in. “Tommy, I don’t want to keep wasting time, and I don’t want to die without telling you how I feel. I want to be with you, i- if that’s what you want. I want to try again. I want to do this right. I want to be honest. I miss you. I’ve been missing you for months now and I hate wondering if each time I see you will be the last time."

Tommy stares at Buck for a moment, then looks down at his cup. “Maybe one more sip.”

Okay. Now Buck was going to panic.

“I- I’m sorry,” he rushes out. “I’m doing it again. I’m being impulsive and I’m m- making it about me and I don’t-”

“No,” Tommy interrupts, his voice as calm and polite as ever, “it’s… here.” He pushes out the seat beside him, giving it a pat. “Will you sit down, please?” Buck comes around and sits, anxiously wiping his sweaty hands down his pants. “Evan, I’ve tried talking to you for over a month.”

“I know. I- I’m sorry for that too.”

“No, I’m not… Evan, you don’t need to be sorry. I get it, I understand. I just- part of me thought-” he sighs, searching for the right words. “I figured you didn’t want to talk to me. I kept thinking I was bothering you, but I had to do something. When I opened the door I was kinda figuring you were here to tell me to leave you alone. Things have veered in a direction I was not expecting.” He lays his hand out on the counter, palm up, ready for Buck to take.

So he does.

“You have a way of doing that, you know?” Tommy says, a smile playing on his lips.

“Freaking you out?” Buck offers.

“Surprising me,” Tommy responds. He gives Buck hand a squeeze. “Evan, I… are you sure?”

“About wanting to be with you?”

“Yes.”

“I think it’s the only thing in my life I’m one hundred percent sure of right now,” he answers honestly. “But I want you t- to be sure. I don’t want you to say yes just because you think you ha-”

He’s cut off as Tommy stands, places a hand on either side of his face, and presses their lips together.

For a second, Buck freezes. His hands curl into fists, then they relax, and he’s taking a deep breath, and grabbing onto Tommy’s shirt and the blanket he’s still got wrapped around him.

For a moment nothing else in the world exists. This, right here, a sturdy body with a gentle soul, is everything in the world.

And then Tommy pulls away.

“Sorry for the coffee breath,” he whispers between them, their foreheads pressed together.

Buck laughs.

A real, genuine laugh.

It feels scary.

It feels wrong.

It feels amazing.

“I don’t care,” he replies. “Just do it again.”

*****

Buck is standing in the middle of Eddie’s living room.

No. His living room.

At least for one more week.

It’s almost empty.

He wishes he’d never put all of his boxes out for recycling. He never thought he’d need them again, and so soon.

He feels as empty as the room looks. A hollow shell of a person.

He shouldn’t. He recognizes that. This is good, in the long run. It’s exactly what he’s wanted.

He’s not about to be homeless. He offered to go. Offered to give Eddie the place back. In a surprising turn of events, two weeks after getting back together, following a failed date night and a round of sex that never happened due to an accidental kick to the groin, Tommy had grunted out the words, “You should move in with me,” right as Buck placed an ice pack on his crotch.

They discussed it for the rest of the night.

Then had successful sex the next morning.

So Buck isn’t upset about leaving. Not really.

But it’s in this space, this room filled with memories and ghosts, that Buck decides he’s never really had a friend.

Because, yes, he’d offered the place back to Eddie. It’s why he decided to sublease it in the first place. But then Eddie bought a place in Texas, and the move seemed permanent, and Buck… Buck moved in.

So when Eddie decided they were coming back, the words stumbled out of Buck’s mouth without a thought. “That’s great! When do you need your place back by?”

And Eddie responded with a date.

He didn’t ask if Buck had anywhere to go.

He didn’t say he could find a new place of his own.

He didn’t even say thank you.

He responded with a date.

Buck didn’t think about it at the time. In the silence of this house though, a house that once again fills with echoes at the slightest sound, it’s all he can think about.

He decides, right then and there, to make a change.

Test the waters.

He becomes unavailable over the following weeks. He settles in with Tommy, and Eddie settles back into his old home. Then Eddie calls, invites Buck over on Friday.

Buck almost says yes, but something stops him.

Or, rather, he stops himself.

“Why, what’s up?” he says instead.

“Well, you know that woman I met at the building collapse?”

Buck does, vaguely. “Mhm.”

“She gave me her number and we made plans to go out. I figured you and Chris could hang here, catch up.”

Buck loves Chris. He really does. He’d do anything for the kid.

Which is why he pauses for nearly five seconds before replying, “Sorry, Tommy and I have plans. Maybe someone else can watch him for you. Gotta go.”

Two more offers to babysit comes up in less than two weeks time. Buck declines each one. He waits until Chris texts him himself, asks if he wants to hang out, play video games, eat junk food.

Buck and Tommy pick him up together, head back to their place, have a guys day.

Buck and Tommy have talked about it, the way Buck feels. The way the scale never quite evens out. He tells Tommy one night, “I know I can make things about me, I know I can be selfish, but I feel like I’m never able to talk about how I feel at all. Like, i- if I do, I need to feel bad about it… or that, maybe, next time, he’ll do more than get in my face. I don’t think that’s what friendship is supposed to be.”

“Evan,” Tommy had responded, pulling him in to lay on his chest, “you’re the least selfish person I know. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise… I’m sorry, but, they don’t know you at all.”

And that was the thing.

Eddie didn’t know him at all.

Because every time Buck had tried to open up about anything serious, Eddie slammed the door in his face.

"Want me to talk to him?" 

"No. Thanks, but no."

“Why don’t you talk to him about it?” Tommy suggested. “Tell him how you feel.”

Buck huffed out a laugh. “I like the way my nose looks now.”

*****

While he does reduce his time around Eddie to working hours only, he ends up spending more time with Ravi. As Hen takes over as captain, Eddie becomes a licensed paramedic. Buck and Ravi are almost always paired up at work, and they end up working really well together. Maybe it’s because Ravi spent years learning all of Buck’s little quirks, but he can usually figure out what Buck needs before Buck actually realizes he needs it.

This works both ways, and they find they’re a spectacularly efficient pair.

Things might’ve started out a little rough for them on the friendship front, but somehow they end up at the same bar, same time, same day, every week.

“Anyway,” Ravi says, sipping on his third drink of the night, “after Hen talked to her, the lady said she decided not to press charges. Which is insane in the first place, because how could she press charges on me for pulling her out of a burning building?”

“Sounds like she had an interesting way of showing her gratitude,” Buck replies with a shake of his head. “It’s always crazy to me how some people will actually get mad when we don’t let them die in a horrific way.”

“Right?!” Ravi sets down his glass, gives Buck a nod. “So, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“How are you doing?” Ravi asks.

“Oh,” Buck waves him off. “I’m fine. How’s your family?”

“No, no.” Ravi wiggles a finger at him. “I just spent half an hour complaining about my life. The next half hour is yours.”

Buck contemplates his response. Opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.

Then the words spill out like a dam breaking open.

He talks about Bobby, about feeling like the 118 is a shell of its former self. He talks about the fact he spends a lot of nights crying, especially when he has work the next day. He tells Ravi how Tommy does his best to console him, tries everything to make it better. But it’s not really something he’s able to fix.

Buck talks about how he feels like a friendship spanning the better part of eight years now feels like a lie. How he feels used, belittled, and like he gave and gave without ever getting anything back in return.

He talks about the good stuff too. How well he and Tommy are doing. How comfortable they are with each other. How he feels comfortable having flaws, because he knows Tommy loves him anyway. How he feels safe, even when they argue, because Tommy is the most gentle human being he knows.

He talks about Hen, and what a great job she’s doing as captain. How happy he is for her; how much she deserves it. That’s why he feels so bad about the fact that he hates coming into work. Hates being there. It feels wrong. It doesn’t bring him the joy it once did.

And Ravi… Ravi listens. He nods along, and interjects when necessary, and he asks questions. In the end, he may not be the best at giving advice, but he replies with, “Man, that sucks,” and Buck feels like a giant weight was lifted off of his shoulders.

Getting everything off of his chest with someone he works with, someone who he is beginning to consider a friend, feels like a fresh start.

He doesn’t cry the night before work.

Tommy holds him anyway.

He falls into a rhythm. Things are different, but they’re okay.

He has Tommy to talk to, and Ravi. He and Maddie make plans when they can. It usually ends with him spending the most time with his niece and nephew, but he can’t complain about that.

Hen becomes more comfortable as captain, Chimney and Eddie settle in as a duo, and they all still operate well as a unit.

Buck cooks, when he can. Maybe not everyone sits down together for meals anymore, but the majority of them do.

It’s good. They laugh, they talk, they compliment his cooking.

He begins to think he can do this. That maybe it just took more time than he expected to find a new normal after Bobby.

His weekly outings with Ravi become less about complaining and more about general talking and catching up on the little things.

He settles.

Until it all blows up in his face.

He and Ravi have been sent out to help with training new recruits for the day. It’s a normal day, everything is going well.

It hits five o’clock, time for everyone to leave, and Buck is in the middle of giving a pep talk when his phone rings.

Ravi takes over as he accepts the call.

It’s Hen. She heard over the radio that Tommy fell from a ladder while working ground ops. He’s at the hospital getting checked out, but he’s alert now.

There’s one particular word that sticks out to him.

Now.

Buck asks what she means, that he’s alert now?

Hen proceeds to tell him that when he was first brought in this morning, he wasn’t conscious. But now he’s awake and answering questions. Hen, Chim, and Eddie are already at the hospital, waiting for more updates.

There’s a whirring noise happening. Buck feels like he’s stuck in a fun house, surrounded by mirrors, all of his reflections laughing at him.

“You heard this o- over the radio?”

Hen hesitates. “Yes, but Buck-”

“So you’ve known since this morning?”

“Buck, I didn’t want you to think the worst without us knowing first. It’s-”

“I’m on my way.”

Ravi drives him to the hospital.

Buck tries his best to bite his tongue, but as soon as he sees Hen he’s livid again, and he lets it be known.

“You have no right to decide what I can or can’t handle. He’s my partner, and I should have been here with him eight hours ago.”

“Buck, I didn’t-”

“How would you feel if it were Karen?” Buck interrupts. “Or one of your kids?”

“Hey, chill, Man,” Eddie says, sticking his hand inches from Buck’s chest. “She didn’t want you freaking out for nothing, which is exactly what you’re doing.”

Buck’s pretty sure he’s never felt the level of rage he feels in this moment.

He takes a breath, wonders if the steam is actually visible as it escapes through his ears.

“You get your hand the hell away from me, Diaz,” he warns and, to his credit, Eddie takes a couple of steps back. Buck focuses back on Hen. “I’m gonna go be with my boyfriend, like I should have been since this morning. You all can go.”

Before Buck has a chance to walk away, Chimney speaks up. “You need us to get anything for you?”

He sounds embarrassed. Buck hopes he is.

“I can get whatever he needs,” Ravi replies. Buck feels eternally grateful for him. “Go see Tommy,” he says as the others filter out. “Text me whatever you need. I’ll be here.”

Buck can’t help himself. He pulls Ravi in for a hug so tight it knocks the air out of him.

“I’ll see what Tommy needs too,” he says as Ravi returns the hug. “You can come right to the room after.”

“Okay.” Ravi gives him a pat on the back. “Now go see your guy.”

In the end, it’s a hairline fracture in his leg, a sprained wrist, and a minor concussion. Nothing too serious. The only thing Buck and Tommy end up needing from Ravi is a ride home, so he joins them in Tommy’s hospital room and they keep each other company until Tommy is released.

Once Buck gets Tommy into bed, he sits beside him. He props himself up with a couple of pillows, his laptop resting on his thighs. He keeps a hand in Tommy’s hair, running his fingers through his curls.

With his free hand, he types, scrolls, and does research until the sun starts to rise.

He takes the next two weeks off.

Spends it studying for the captain’s promotional test.

*****

He keeps it a secret for as long as he can.

He tells Tommy, who spends all of his recovery time helping Buck study and research and prepare in any and every way possible.

He lets it slip to Ravi on accident, who promises not to say a word.

He actually keeps his promise too.

It’s refreshing.

He manages to take the exam without anyone else finding out. Passes with flying colors. He, Tommy, and Ravi go out for celebratory drinks.

But there’s more to it than the written test.

There’s tactical exercises, role-play scenarios, multiple interviews that include evaluators from outside the department. Even an interview with the department fire chief.

He gets scheduled for role-play scenarios and his first interview before Hen calls him into the office.

“Is this because of what happened with Tommy?” she asks.

He could keep it simple. Say yes.

But that wouldn’t be the entire truth.

“I started looking into it after Tommy was hurt,” he answers instead. “But I’ve been thinking about it since��� since Bobby.”

“You’d be put at a different house, Buck,” she reminds him. “We’ve got B and C shift already covered.”

Buck nods. “I know. I- I think that’s part of why I want to do it.”

“Oh.”

“Listen, Hen, you- you’re a great captain. You were meant for this job. If it can’t be Bobby, you’re the only other logical option. But I… I’m not happy here anymore. I don’t think I have been for a long time and I think I- I need a fresh start.”

She’s quiet for a moment, then she smiles softly at him. “If you need help,” she says, “pointers, tips, anything, you can ask me. I just went through the process a few months ago, Buck, I’m sure it hasn’t changed much in that time.”

He accepts the help, but they don’t have much more time to talk before they get a call.

He’s not sure how Chimney finds out, or who tells Eddie, but Eddie never says anything about him going for captain.

Chimney does. Chomping his gum, asking Buck what he’s thinking by leaving their family.

He means well, so Buck doesn’t tell him it stopped feeling like a family a long time ago.

He makes it to the final part of the process. Remembers Hen’s advice. Answers the questions the way he thinks Bobby would.

He passes.

He feels his body relax for the first time in weeks.

“Congratulations, Captain Buckley,” Chief Simpson says as he shakes his hand. “I’ll be in touch with you soon.”

*****

He swears he sees God when he comes on Tommy’s cock that night. He can’t help it when Tommy has traded out his usual pet names for “Captain” and “Sir” and “Boss.” Keeps asking him for advice, whispering in his ear, “Am I doing this right, Captain Buckley?”

Chief Simpson calls a week later. It’s sooner than Buck expects.

There’s a captain retiring at Station 13 in six weeks. Buck could start now, train under him, take over as captain of B-shift once those six weeks are up.

Buck accepts without hesitation.

Three days later, they throw him a party at the 118. Tommy comes, Chris comes, Maddie brings the kids, Athena makes an appearance between calls.

When he walks out at the end of his shift, he doesn’t look back.

He starts at Station 13 two days later.

Captain Fredericks isn’t a bad man. He’s a good captain, and treats his team with respect, but there’s little camaraderie between them. When they aren’t on a call, they’re all doing their own thing. The station is quiet most of the time. And when Buck tries to chat with the rest of the team, he’s often met with what he can only describe as “polite resistance.”

Each week, Fredericks takes an extra step back and gives Buck a little more to do. By the end of the six weeks, Fredericks has taken on a mostly silent role in their partnership.

He feels confident as he starts his first week on his own.

It lasts a total of one hour and thirty-two minutes.

Jacobson, who wasn’t an issue for the entire six weeks, manages to undermine Buck multiple times on a single call.

The rest of the day doesn’t go much better.

He overhears Jacobson making jokes about him, and mocking his stutter.

When he makes a meal for everyone that evening, they grab a plate, scoop their food, and go into their own corners to sit and stare at their phones while they eat.

On their last call, instead of having Jacobson rappel down to get a hiker that fell thirty feet off the side of a cliff, he just does it himself. He ends up with a banged up knee, and multiple scratches that bleed for longer than he’d like to admit.

Tommy draws him a bath when he gets home. Puts medicine on the scratches. Rubs his feet and legs. Holds Buck as he cries himself to sleep. The next morning, when they wake up all tangled together, Tommy tells him about Bobby and Sal. It’s a story Buck has heard before, but it helped to hear it again. Especially now.

During his next shift, when he hears Jacobson mutter “weasel” under his breath after Buck gives him an order, Buck stands tall, looks him dead in the eyes, and tells him to repeat what he just said.

Jacobson does.

Buck asks if they have a problem.

Jacobson reminds him that he’s forty years old, and Buck hasn’t even made it to thirty-five yet. How the hell is he supposed to respect him?

“Respect is earned,” Buck tells him. “You don’t know me enough to respect me, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m your captain now so, while you may not respect me, you do have to respect my authority. If you can’t do that, I’d suggest transferring to another station before you lose your job.”

That seems to quiet him for the rest of the day.

Jacobson puts in a transfer request three days later.

Four days after that, another transfer request hits his desk.

But this one is someone asking to transfer to his station.

Ravi Panikkar.

With Jacobson gone, and Ravi filling his spot, Buck starts to feel settled again.

The rest of his team are good people.

There’s Abarca, who is young and full of both spunk and anxiety. She’s nineteen years old and Buck is pretty sure she’s been on her own for longer than she could drive.

Smith and Smith, not related, are both paramedics. Barry Smith, who goes by Smith, has been at 13 for twenty years. Victor Smith, who also goes by Smith, changed careers two years ago. Went from working as a manager in a grocery store to graduating top of his class and getting his choice of station.

Buck thought having two Smith’s would be confusing, but they guaranteed him that they would know who he was talking to as soon as he called for them.

They haven’t been wrong yet.

And then there’s Carmen, who judges everyone, and Buck loves her for it. Her facial expressions alone can shut up even the most annoying humans. It also helps that her wife is a baker, and she gives Carmen anything she has left over to bring to the station.

One day Carmen’s wife comes in herself, and Buck introduces himself to Shiela. He asks her how she makes her eclairs? He’s been trying to get that right for a long time now and the texture always feels off.

This becomes a thirty minute conversation that ends in Shiela inviting Buck and Tommy over for dinner and a dessert class.

Tommy and Carmen have a great time watching and being taste testers.

They make it a regular thing.

Buck invites the team over for a barbecue after a couple of months. He invites the 118 too. It’s nice having everyone together. They have a good time.

That night, when he and Tommy are in bed, Tommy is peppering kisses down his chest. “You know,” he says, nibbling at Buck’s skin before soothing the spot with his tongue, “I see the way your team looks at you. They look up to you already.”

“I don’t, mmm, I don’t know about that.”

“I do,” Tommy insists, kissing him just above his belly button. “I’m so proud of you.”

And if tears leak from his eyes as Tommy takes him in his mouth, well, they’re happy tears now.

Buck keeps cooking dinners every shift. While Ravi has taken a seat beside him from the start, he calls attention to the others when they start to walk away with their plates.

“Everyone, I- I’d like for us to all sit at the table today,” he says, clearing his throat when they all give him a confused look. “Actually, I- I’d like for us to, um, to sit at the table every day, for dinner. My old captain, he- he used to always have family dinners for us. We sit together, eat together, talk about stuff. I- I want us to do that too.”

There’s a few more seconds of stares, then slowly they start to make their way to the table.

“Family dinners?” Abarca questions.

“Family dinners,” Buck confirms.

She shrugs her shoulders. “That sounds cool.”

The others nod, take their seats, and begin to eat.

It’s here, in this moment, with these people, that Buck realizes Bobby was right.

He is going to be okay.

And he found the people who need him.

[styxhuntress]

(idk what this is yall. It just came to me and I had to write it. Not particularly Eddie Diaz friendly, but he's not even here, so)

It's a Tuesday night and Tommy can't sleep.

For once, it's not because he misses Evan. No, this time Evan is where he belongs, right in his arms. He is sleeping soundly, more relaxed in slumber than Tommy has seen him awake for weeks now.

That's, partly, what's taking Tommy's sleep away, if he's honest with himself.

Doing his best not to wake Evan up, Tommy untangles himself from his boyfriend (God, it feels so right to be calling Evan that again in his mind), grabs his phone and slips away to his porch, the cool air of the night a welcome sensation.

He stares at his phone. It's 12AM, but he knows it doesn't matter. It never mattered to them. He dials Sal's number and hits the call button.

It doesn't take even ten seconds before he hears his best friend's voice on the other side.

"Everything okay?" He asks right away, cause sure, Tommy knows Sal won't be mad at a midnight call, but he'll worry.

"Yeah, everything's fine", Tommy reassures him, and he hears Sal relaying the message to Gina immediately. Gina is practically Tommy's sister in law, he knows she worries too. "I just... I needed to ask you a question. We're best friends, right?"

"Tommy", Sal says, and by his tone Tommy can tell he's baffled. "Twenty years, man. I think we're past the point of this question"

"I know, just humor me, will you?"

"Fine. Thomas Kinard, you're my best friend. Shall we write it on our diaries too in glitter pens?" He says, and Tommy chuckles lightly, but he does have a point to this.

"Okay, so. If you're very angry at me for some reason, what would you do?" Tommy asks, and then decides to go ahead and just ask what's looping through his mind. "What would it take for you to push me against a wall and threaten to punch me?"

At first, Tommy can hear Sal laugh at the other end of the line, but when Tommy doesn't laugh back, he falls silent. Even though he's not seeing him, Tommy knows there's a thunderous expression in Sal's face right now.

"What's this about?" He asks shrewdly, but Tommy's not ready to tell him yet.

"Just answer the question, please" He says, and Sal sighs.

"I don't know, Tommy, the most likely scenario of that happening would be you being replaced by an alien and I'm trying to figure out if you're the real one. Other than that? Nothing, Tommy. What the hell? We're friends. That's not how friends solve stuff."

"So... Not even if I did something to Gina or the girls?" Tommy pushes.

"Well, first of all that's more unlikely than the alien thing. I know you would never intentionally hurt my family, Tommy. So, no. I'd be pissed, but I'd talk to you. Now tell me what's this about before I send a unit of LAPD to your house to find out who punched you."

Tommy feels a wave of affection for his best friend. He always knew that would be Sal's answer, and hearing it feels good for him, but it makes him feel even worse for Evan.

"It's... Not about me. It's about Ev..." He cuts himself off, but knows it's already too late. "...a hypothetical"

"Hm", Sal offers, and Tommy knows he's not buying it. "Would hypothetical happen to have a birthmark and legs the size of a small country?"

"And happens to be sleeping in my bed right now" Tommy admits, and Sal sighs.

"Fuck, Tommy. Do you know what you're doing? You know I'll support you even when you're an idiot, but I don't wanna see you hurt again, man, that's all"

"I... I know, Sal" Tommy says, and he can't resent his best friend for looking out for him. "But we talked properly this time. We know what to expect from each other. And I love him"

"Yeah, I know you do, you sap" Sal says, but there's no real heat to it. "How's he holding up? He and Nash were real close, weren't they?"

The irony of Sal asking that question before any of the 118 doesn't go unnoticed by Tommy, but he doesn't want to share too much without Evan's permission.

"He's... Not great", Tommy admits that much. "It doesn't help that, unlike me, he has a very shitty best friend"

"Yeah, well, lucky for him, he has a great boyfriend who also has a very great and handsome best friend" Sal says, and Tommy rolls his eyes fondly. "You should bring him over this weekend. The girls miss you and Gina will want to interrogate him again because the first time doesn't count anymore"

'Damn right!', Tommy hears Gina add on the background, and he laughs.

"I'll check when he's free and text you, sounds good? We'll bring dessert"

"You better. Tell Buckley he'll have five Delucas to impress all over again. Chocolate is the way to go"

"Will do." Tommy promises. "And Sal? I love you, man"

"Yeah, yeah, don't go all mushy on me", Sal grumbles, but then his voice softens. "Love you too, Tommy. Take care"

They hang up, but Tommy doesn't go straight to bed. The story Evan told him, about how Diaz told him he was making Bobby's death about himself, had left a bitter taste in his mouth that has only gotten worse now that he was reassured that, no, in fact, there are no circumstances where it's okay for a best friend to physically assault the other.

Now how to give Evan the message?

[styxhuntress]

I am someone who uses humor to deal with grief/hard things and I firmly believe that the first joke about Bobby's death is because Buck accidentally sends a racy text meant for Tommy in the 118 group chat and Chim flies in with the "thank god Bobby died before he had to see you call your boyfriend, who was also one of his firefighters, Daddy. I only wish I too was dead for that."

[styxhuntress]

As Evan sleeps, curled up in Tommy's chest, Tommy thinks about what next.

Well, first of all, he's gonna make breakfast for the man he loves, and he is going to repeat those three words again in the full light of day, when they aren't both weeping messes clutching each other like lifelines.

Then he's going to have to call either Chimney or Hen. Because despite the hell they're going through, they shouldn't have forgotten to help Evan too.

(The Evan he saw last night looked haunted, hollow even, no spark left in his eyes, and the smile he'd put on had been mechanical. Just one of those wax statues in Madame Tussauds.)

(It had frightened Tommy enough to take Evan back home with him. Evan had started undressing the second they entered, but Tommy stopped him, just hugged him and said, "I'm sorry I didn't call to check on you. How are you holding up?")

(And Evan started deflecting, saying he was doing okay, but he couldn't look Tommy in the eye, and the moment Tommy cradled one chubby stubbled cheek in his big palm, the moment their eyes met, Evan broke.)

(How he broke. Tommy held him, the both of them collapsed into a heap in the entryway, his own tears flowing freely because Evan was hurting, hurting, hurting so much, like he was bleeding pure grief from his heart.)

Then he's going to ask Evan what he wants. Because apparently, no one has done so. Tommy didn't ask, before, just assumed, and he isn't going to make the same mistake. Not again. He wants to try, and that means trying a different approach, as much as it scares him. Because what if Evan doesn't want this? What if Evan doesn't want anything he can offer? What if Evan doesn't want Tommy and all the squishy useless flawed parts of him?

(It's all Evan's anyway. Tommy can't lie to himself any longer. He can't excise the parts of him that wants to be with Evan; he'd have to cut himself into nothing.)

And Tommy can share what he wants. He wants to hold and be held by Evan again, every chance they can, to be so close that their heartbeats synchronize. He wants them to be together. He wants them to build a future. It's scary to admit to.

He wants it so much. He will do what it takes. It will be work, he's not a starry-eyed teenager, and he's ready to roll up his sleeves and put in the hours.

Deep in sleep, Evan snorts and grumbles. Tommy smiles and kisses the top of his head.

Maybe after they talk about what they both want, they can come back to bed. Evan can use the rest, he looks exhausted, and Tommy can watch over him.

One step at a time. They can make this work.

[styxhuntress]

Chris saw it in the morning when Buck was making breakfast.

He wasn't looking for it, but he had long learned to pay attention to his surroundings.

When his dad came into the kitchen, Buck stopped talking almost immediately, and as his dad went from the fridge to the stove to see what Buck was cooking, Buck flinched. It wasn't a huge, dramatic flinch, but he did tense and withdraw half a step. Instantly, he plastered on a weak smile and said that he was making scrambled eggs.

Why would Buck flinch from Dad?

He was not a kid anymore, though, and didn't ask right there at the table. He didn't think Dad noticed either, since he was smiling tiredly and saying something about it being nice to wake up in Los Angeles again with his kid. Making sure to nod or respond at the appropriate places, Chris kept his attention on what Buck said or did.

And he could tell that Buck was faking. Fake interest. Fake smiles. Fake comments.

Chris did not like it. "Hey, Dad? Since I'm here, can I go visit some of my friends? I told them I would be in LA for a few days and they said they were free."

"Yeah, that's good. Want me to drive you? I'll grab a rental."

"No it's good, I can Uber to Kelly's."

It wasn't a lie, he was going to meet his friends. But he was also going to find out what happened.

Buck was his friend, after all.

---

As Kelly and Chance set up the game console and squabbled over which game to start with, Chris called Buck.

"Chris, hey buddy. Is everything okay?" Buck said, sounding a little frantic.

"Sorry, are you busy?" Chris asked. "I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed-" Fake. Artificial. Absent. "-distracted this morning."

There was a poignant pause. Then he heard Buck take a deep breath. "Y-yeah. I was, uh, just thinking. About something your dad told me."

"What did Dad tell you?" Christopher waved to his friends to start the game first.

"It's nothing. I just... I hadn't thought how it would be for him to... To find out about Bobby. While he was not here." Buck exhaled loudly. "I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry I couldn't save Cap."

"Buck, I know you'd have done everything you could," Chris said firmly. "And Dad wasn't here in LA because he screwed up and I got angry and he had to come get me and it wasn't anyone's choice for him to not be here. Don't beat yourself up about that, okay?"

Now Chris wanted to beat up his dad. What did he say exactly to Buck to make him guilty about something that wasn't his fault?

"...okay."

Chris could picture Buck's shaky smile on the other end of the line. With a sigh, Chris said, "Be safe, Buck."

"For you, buddy? I will do my best."

"For me and for you and for everyone. I love you Buck. We all do."

He listened to the sharp intake of breath. Then Buck sniffled and said, "Yeah? Thanks, Chris. I, uh, I didn't know I needed to hear that. Thank you. I gotta go. You have a good day today."

He needed to hear that? Has Tommy not told Buck? Chris went to join his friends on the couch and whooped at the next brilliant move, but when there was a lull, he texted Tommy.

this is chris in case you lost my number

pls check on buck

i think he's feeling bad abt himself and he shouldn't be

and i think my dad may have said some stuff that bothers buck

He didn't get a reply immediately. That was fine, Tommy might be working.

---

When he returned home - technically Buck's, but it still felt like his - he saw an unexpected truck in the driveway.

Tommy was leaning against the driver's side door and his face was a thundercloud, easing slightly when he saw Chris.

"Hey, kid. Wanted to text you back but figured I'd come see you instead." He hugged Chris. "I didn't lose your number."

"Sure felt like it, since I didn't get a single text from you. What, I'm not cool enough to hang with a pilot?"

Tommy's face crinkled up into a warm smile. Chris liked that smile. "On the contrary, I was the one not cool enough. You've grown so big!"

"I swam a lot in Texas." He tilted his head. "What's wrong? You seemed angry."

Tommy's expression went through several complicated iterations before it settled on resigned. "I, uh, had a difficult conversation with your father."

"What did he say?"

The front door opened and Dad appeared. "Chris, get inside."

"I'm just catching up with Tommy," Chris said.

"He's outstayed his welcome."

"Dad, this isn't our house, and I'm sure Buck won't mind his boyfriend hanging out here."

"He's not Buck's boyfriend anymore," his dad spat out coldly. "He's no one."

"I may not be Evan's boyfriend anymore, but at least I'm still his friend. And if Christopher weren't here, I'd be kicking your ass for what you told Evan."

"Don't use Chris as a shield. Come kick my ass," Dad said, stepping up. "You know you won't win." Scoffing, he added, "I didn't think Buck would go whining to you about our little fight last night. I didn't even hit him."

Chris couldn't believe what he was hearing. Neither could Tommy, apparently.

"You... You almost hit him?" Tommy asked.

"He didn't tell you that?"

"Dad, how could you?" Chris demanded. "And no, Buck didn't go running to him, I texted him to ask him to check on Buck. Because Buck was acting weird. Was that why he flinched from you?"

The look of guilt on his dad's face was soon masked by a cold indiference. "Go in, Chris. This has nothing to do with you."

"It has to do with me because Buck's my friend!" Chris yelled. He took a step forward and nearly tumbled, catching himself just in time, nodding at Tommy whose arms were outstretched to catch him. "Buck is my friend, Dad. And he's yours. How could you?"

"Grief makes us do strange things," Tommy said, but his gaze was hard when he turned. "I hope you apologize properly to Evan. He's been trying his best, and you know he has, he doesn't deserve any of your anger. You wanna fight? Come at me. I'm used to it."

Chris noticed the tic in his dad's jaw, and decided that it was enough fighting for the day. "Dad? Let's go inside."

"I'll be seeing you, Kinard," Dad said as Chris walked past him.

Chris looked out as Tommy opened his car door. "Counting on it, Diaz."

[styxhuntress]

I might attempt to write this if I have the energy, but I really need a fic where Buck goes over to see Maddie after the Pepa dinner and she immediately notices that something is wrong. After sitting him down, she manages to wheedle it out of him what happened the night before, and she's absolutely horrified. She immediately flashes back to the first time Doug pinned her to the wall in their kitchen and feels disgusted at herself that she ever thought that wouldn't have been crazy if Buck had feelings for Eddie.

There's a lot of things that go thru her mind in that moment, but Maddie also remembers one lesson Doug had taught her and taught her well - rage.

So she pesters Buck into spending the night, nicely tells Chim to not ask questions and makes plans. The next day, the guys go into work together and she heads on into dispatch but takes a pitstop at the Diaz house where she finds Eddie in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards and taking out all of her brother's dishes.

He sees her and immediately makes a rude joke about Buck not coming home the night before - "He must have gone slobbering after Tommy again. I told him to get past it, to go and have a one night stand with some random dude with a big dick but -"

He stops when he sees the cold look on her face and immediately knows why she's there. "How much did he tell you?"

"Enough."

Eddie gives a long suffering sigh, setting down the dishes that are still in his hands. "Come on, Maddie. You grew up with the guy, you now how dramatic he is -"

"Dramatic like I was dramatic when Doug pushed me against the counter and told me that I was making it all about myself?"

Eddie's face blanched. "That's nowhere near the same."

"Is it?" Maddie starts getting closer and closer, and Eddie backs up. "What's different about it, Eddie? What's different about my dead ex-husband pinning me against the wall versus you shoving Evan into that counter? Huh? What were you going to do? Were you going to hit him?"

"What - no!"

"You sure? Are you absolutely sure you never raised your fist? Maybe thrust a finger in his face?"

Eddie tilts his head like he's seriously trying to remember. A dawning horror crosses his face and Maddie goes for the jugular.

"Take the job in El Paso."

"What?"

"Have you suddenly gone deaf? Take the job in El Paso." There's no space between them now. She essentially has Eddie pinned against the counter, his head smacking into the cupboard doors. "Call the chief, tell him that you will be there with bells on Monday morning. Take the first flight out of here, and don't ever come back."

"I - I have family here. I can't just -"

"And you have family there. You will be fine, and Christopher will be fine. Leave, Eddie. There's no place for you in Evan's life anymore."

"Is that up to him or up to you?"

"It's up to the fact that you have never even given a thing to him in return for everything he has done for you! He rented your house so you wouldn't get sued for breaking your lease. He gave up his own time to take care of your child so you could go out and fuck your dead wife's doppelganger!"

Maddie wasn't stupid. She listened. She watched. She knew what was going on.

"Take the job and leave. Now. And if I ever see your face around here again, I will kill you."

-;

Two days later, Eddie Diaz leaves Los Angeles for the last time with Christopher in tow.

And Evan Buckley comes alive again.

Maddie stands in the doorway of her kitchen as she watches Jee climbing all over Evan's shoulders and back. "All right, you little monkey, what are you up too?"

Jee planted a wet kiss on his cheek. "You're happy! So I'm happy!"

Evan chuckled, wiping the toddler slobber off of his cheek. "Yeah, I guess I am feeling better."

"Hey, uncle Buck?"

"Yes, Jee?"

"Is your friend ever coming back to visit us?"

Evan shakes his head. "No, I don't think Eddie is going to come back -"

"Not him!" Jee interrupted. "The nice one! The one who flies!"

Maddie bit back a smile. Evan glanced at her over the top of Jee's head with an expression that clearly read Did you put her up to this? Maddie held up her hands in surrender, feigning innocence. Who can understand the powers of children?

"Do you miss him?" Jee asks.

"Uh - yeah, yeah I do miss him."

"Does he miss you?"

Evan's face softened. "I hope so."

"There's only one way to find out," Maddie offered.

Jee nodded in agreement and grabbed Evan's phone off of the table, practically shoving it in his face. Evan gently took it from her, glancing back at Maddie for a moment before hitting a button on the screen. She could hear the ring from where she stood, and then the click as the other line was picked up. "This is Kinard."

Before Evan can say anything, Jee shrieks into the phone. "Hi uncle Buck's friend who flies!"

"Jee!"

There's a chortle of laughter on the other end. "Hello Miss Jee, how are you this afternoon?"

"Good!" Jee almost shouted. Maddie quickly trotted over and scooped Jee up from the couch. "Wait, but Mommy -!"

"Why don't we give your uncle and his friend a little privacy? Who knows, maybe your uncle will invite him over for dinner tonight?"

"Was that an order, General Maddie?" Evan asked.

Tommy laughed again. "Who am I to disobey an order?" As Maddie carried Jee into the kitchen, she heard Tommy's voice soften. "If that's what you want, Evan."

"More than anything...Tommy."

-;

[styxhuntress]

@fenrirscarsback @fand0mfancies @alejaan91 @bidisasterevankinard @i-dont-even-know-anymore976

No crying over spilled champagne

Buck was bit taken back when the others were surprised about him staying at an Airbnb while he was still looking for a new place because they all thought he would be okay with sleeping on Eddie’s couch till he found his new place.

“I offered.” Eddie said seriously, rolling his shoulders as though it was Buck’s fault that he wasn’t sleeping on Eddie’s sofa instead of a bed at an Airbnb. Eddie had dropped by the station for lunch, claiming he was “just in the neighborhood”.

It was the first time since Bobby’s passing that they had decided they were going to have team meals again and just expected Buck to cook for them.

Without asking.

Buck had swallowed down whatever emotion was trying to claw out of his chest when they asked him about cooking lunch for them, he smiled – strained, it felt a grimace - at Chimney, Hen, and Eddie who were all smiles at Buck’s acquiescence.

Apparently, things were all normal again if they had Buck cooking for them.

Buck had stated he was too old to crash on his friend’s sofa, which earned him all chuckles and sly smiles.

“Considering you didn’t have a couch for eons; I figured you would jump at the chance to sleep on one while you still have the chance.” Chimney joked before stuffing his face with the lunch Buck had whipped up for the team.

He tried to join in with the laugh, but didn’t have the energy.

He felt exhausted.

Physically and emotionally.

It felt like none of his friends were taking him seriously. They were all walking around eggshells around him just a few days prior and now they had expected him to be laughing and cooking as though nothing happened.

He had wanted things to go back to normal.

He was glad that things were going back to normal.

….Back when Bobby was alive.

But now…

Things were different.

He felt so out of the loop with everything and everyone now. It was like he was out of step with everyone; he couldn’t understand it.

Everyone was hopeful about things returning to normal, just without Bobby.

That feeling kept gnawing in his chest.

-

It shouldn’t have surprised him when Eddie announced he was declining the El Paso firefighter job and would be moving back to LA.

“So, our stuff should be here in like two days? Think you can move your stuff by then? Christopher really misses his old room.” Eddie told him, with a pat on the arm and a quick smile as he pulled Christopher in front of Buck, hugging his son who looked just as excited about moving back to LA as Eddie looked.

Just like that.

No warning, no heads up.

Just…

Buck gritted his teeth; he ignored the feeling that gnawed and clawed at his chest again. Eddie had made the announcement earlier in the week when they all had met up at Maddie and Chimney’s for dinner.

It wasn’t something he had spoken to Buck about; he just made the announcement and had pulled Buck aside after telling the others he would re-applying for LAFD.

A part of him wanted to yell. To tell Eddie that he was out of his mind if he expected Buck to pack up his entire life and just move out just so Eddie could take over the lease again.

But he could already hear Eddie tell him that it wasn’t about him. He could hear Chimney and Hen tell him that he was “Buck-ing” things up again by not moving out and reminding Buck that he moved out of his loft as a favor to Eddie, he could hear Maddie saying he was overreacting and pointing out that he should be used to moving by now.

So, he said nothing.

He had packed up everything within in two days and moved as much as he could into storage (he owed Ravi so many drinks, the guy had saved his behind by getting him a deal on a moving fan). He still had a few boxes left over minor things like his books and plants that he needed to get.

He didn’t bother moving the groceries he bought since he was running low on some foods anyway and it wasn’t his kitchen (or problem) anymore.

-

Finding a new place was harder than Buck had expected it to be, he had looked over at least half a dozen apartments and condos since 9 am but none of them were the right fit so far for various reasons. They were nice, just not right for him. He was sure his agent was getting annoyed with him by now.

Buck was counting the minutes till he could head back to the Airbnb, but he still wanted to get the last of his stuff from Eddie’s. He figured he could make a pit stop at Eddie’s before heading back to the Airbnb and ordering dinner.

He wasn’t expecting Eddie to open the door with a wide and excited grin after he knocked, “Hey! Did you hear the good news? Well two good news, I guess?” Eddie asked as he let Buck in and walked off towards the kitchen, leaving Buck to stand by the door bewildered for a moment before closing it.

“Uh, no?” he frowned, he pulled out his phone and saw no messages, except for Maddie and Ravi, and their messages weren’t about any “news”. Maddie had messaged him about joining her for a last-minute doctor’s appointment and Ravi had messaged him about meeting up for drinks after their next shift. “What’s the good news?”

He walked into the kitchen where Eddie was already pulling out another glass cup from the cupboard, he noticed that there was one glass cup filled half-way with a bubbly drink.

“Chimney put in his name to be captain of the 118!” Eddie told him excitedly, all smiles as he  poured champagne into the glass cup that Eddie had taken out. “Finally, right?”

Buck paused, he knew Hen had joked about Chimney being captain, but when he spoke to Chimney about it about the other man was still on the fence about taking the position.

And that was three days ago.

“He-Did he just tell you that he wanted to be captain?” Buck asked, barely registering the glass that Eddie pressed into his hand with a bright smile.

“No, he told me a few days ago. Hen and I encouraged him to do it. I’m sure the guy is gonna get it, so no worries there.” Eddie told him brightly, “But here’s the really good news! I got back into the LAFD! I start right back up with the 118 in two days!” Eddie grinned, his arms spread wide and wavering as though this was the greatest news Buck could ever hear. “Isn’t it great?” Eddie asked, “I figured this news was too good to celebrate over beer, so I opened the champagne that you left in the fridge.” Eddie told him.

Buck blinked; he looked down at the drink in his hand. Registering now that it was the same champagne that was in the fridge when he still lived in the house.

Eddie had opened the champagne the Tommy had bought them.

Eddie opened the champagne that Tommy had bought that morning.

Buck didn’t know why.

But that was the last straw for him.

“You opened the champagne that was in the fridge?” he asked hollowly, that ugly feeling returned tenfold, gnawing again at his chest and begging to be free.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied nonchalantly, “What? Where you saving it for the next sad date you invited to dinner?” he laughed, “Probably saved you like ten bucks for having to open it up during another bad first date.” He joked, missing how Buck’s eyes were turning dark and how tightly he was holding the cup.

Buck could feel his body tense as the anger began to seep through his veins. He leaned forward against the kitchen island and gave himself a second to organize his feelings and thoughts “You opened the champagne that was in the fridge.” Buck repeated, it wasn’t a question this time. The way he had said it had Eddie finally look at him- confused and worried. Buck knew he sounded on edge, his voice had dropped, and his annoyance and anger was palpable in his stance alone.

“Yeah?” Eddie answered slowly, for Buck’s sake. “I mean you left it in my fridge; I didn’t think you would care. I can always buy you a new bottle buddy, relax.” He picked up his own glass again and tried to clink it against Buck’s. “It’s time to celebrate some good news finally!”

Buck shook his head, pushing Eddie aside and nearly dropping the glass cup back on the table. “Who the hell told you that you could open that bottle, Eddie?”

Eddie frowned, he stepped back with his hands up placatingly, “No one did, but again, it was in my fridge, and you didn’t say I couldn’t open the bottle.”

Buck’s jaw ticked at that, “It was in my fridge, Eddie. My fridge!” he didn’t want to yell, but that feeling was bubbling up now. “Of all the stupid selfish crap you could have pulled!”

Eddie’s eyes went wide at that; he huffed out a laugh. “I’m selfish?” he pointed to himself, “I’m not the one whose getting their underwear in a twist because someone opened their bottle of champagne.” He scoffed, “Buck, it’s a drink, get over it. I can always buy you a new one. It was probably something you bought because it was under twenty bucks, right?” he snorted.   

Buck slammed his hands down on the island, rattling the cup and Eddie’s nerves.

“This isn’t about the damn champagne, Eddie.” Buck seethed, “This is about you, and you being a-a selfish manipulative ass!” Buck rubbed his head, “I don’t know how I didn’t see it before this! Why I couldn’t see it!”  

Eddie shook his head, pausing to take in the words and the state of how Buck was looking at him, “How the hell am I being an ass right now?” he asked incredulously, a small smirk on his lips as he looked Buck up and down. “When have I ever been an asshole to you? Was it when I let you stay my place? Or maybe it was when I told you that I’m coming back to LA, or maybe it was when I brought Christopher back?”

Buck rolled his eyes as he scrubbed his hand over his face. He let out a sour sounding chuckle as he looked at Eddie, “Sure, right.” He nodded, “You let me stay at your place, it wasn’t like I had a lease and dropped my loft to move here because you were so desperate to move to El Paso.”

“To go get my son back, Buck. You know that.” Eddie hissed.

“You mean the same son that left you and moved to El Paso? That son?” Buck reminded him in an icy tone, “Also, you’re not moving back to LA for me Eddie, let’s make that very clear. You’re moving back here because you couldn’t cut it in El Paso. You ran.”

“Excuse you?” Eddie dropped the glass on the island, his temper flaring as his eyes darkened, “I got that job offer and I turned it down to move back here because I knew where I was needed. I saved your sorry ass, didn’t I? Didn’t get a thank you or anything for coming to save you as a volunteer, just got more of your damn pity party to hear about.”

Buck shook his head, laughing as it dawned on him.

“Oh?” Buck grinned, “We’re keeping track of how many times we saved each other?” he asked sarcastically, he clapped his hands together. “Okay.” He nodded, “Since we’re keeping score, let’s go over the times I saved you.” He pointed at Eddie. “I already brought up the fact that I took over your lease when you moved to El Paso, a lease that you broke illegally and suddenly, I should mention.” He reminded Eddie, who only scoffed as he folded his arms, “Or how about the time when I spoke to Christopher about staying here after he caught you with his dead mother’s doppelganger?”

“He forgave-”

“He didn’t forgive you, Eddie, you bought him a PS5 because you thought you could bribe your kid into forgiving you.” Buck pointed out caustically, “You know how this could have been avoided? You could have listened to me when I tried to save your ass from continuing to see her while you were seeing Marisol.”

Eddie leaned his head back and laughed, “You’re gonna accuse me of cheating? You?”

Buck shrugged, “At least I can admit I cheated. I’m not the one denying it.”

“I didn’t cheat on Marisol, Buck, and you know that!” Eddie snapped, getting too close to Buck’s face.

Buck stepped back, “Because that would make you selfish if you admitted it, right?”

Eddie’s eyes went wide at that, his brows furrowing as he asked “What?”

“Selfish.” Buck repeated the word. “You talk about how I make everything about me, about me being so self-centered, but it’s you. It’s always been you that makes everything about them, but you don’t do it for attention. You do it to avoid confrontation.”

Eddie looked around the kitchen, as though people were listening in, “What the hell are you even talking about?”

“I’m talking about what you do always, you might be the big hero- the big silver medal veteran slash firefighter, but you’re coward. You run when you’re confronted, you lash out or bribe instead facing whatever problem you have.” Buck told him in a matter-of-fact tone, devoid of emotions.

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Eddie growled, he was about to walk off but paused when he heard Buck laugh.

“Proving my point yet again, you run.”

Eddie turned on his heels, taking two large steps towards Buck. “I don’t run away from anything Buck, but I don’t have to hear this crap just because you’re having a bad day!”

 Buck smirked, “I actually had a decent day.” He smiled, crossing his arms. “I’m just pointing out the obvious. You ran back to LA because staying in El Paso means that you have to face your parents. You ran to El Paso because you couldn’t handle Christopher ignoring you after he caught you cheating on Marisol with Shannon’s doppelgänger. You dragged my ass into it thinking I could convince him to stay when he had all the right in the world to be angry at you.”

“Because I know that you love Chris!” Eddie yelled, as though it was obvious.

“I do and I know you know that because you dragged him here after our fight. Like that would fix things.” Buck noted, “Because that’s your other MO, you throw these surprises at everyone thinking it’s just gonna make the problems you started disappear.” He saw Eddie flinch at that, Buck knew it was something that even Eddie had noticed about himself, “That’s why you bought Christopher a PS5, right? That’s why you brought him here after you basically told me that I didn’t do enough to save Bobby.” He saw Eddie look away at that, shaking his head and clearly wanting to leave the kitchen. “You didn’t even apologize, you just threw Christopher into the ring as though that was gonna erase everything you said to me the night before.” Buck noted with a sigh, he was happy to have Christopher back, but it didn’t undo what Eddie said.

“You wanted things to go back to normal before I left!” Eddie pointed out, “Having Christopher back here is things getting back to normal, it’s us getting back to normal. That’s what you’ve been bitching about ever since Bobby left the team.”

“Bobby’s dead!” Buck shouted, the feeling- that feeling became unearthed. “He’s dead, Eddie, there’s no going back to normal!” he looked up, the tears stinging as he tried to not cry, he wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve and shook his head in frustration, “Bringing Christopher back wasn’t going to magically bring Bobby back, it wasn’t going to magically make things better. You didn’t even apologize for giving me two days’ notice for finding a new place, you didn’t apologize for saying I didn’t do enough to save Bobby- and what exactly do you think you could have done differently than what we all did then, Eddie? Huh?” he snorted, “I know you have a silver medal. What? Do you think you could have melted that down and created a new cure or something in the lab?” he quipped as he glared at Eddie, “Hen and Chimney are both paramedics, Hen went to med school and neither of them could save Bobby. Let’s be serious here, you wouldn’t have been able to save him either, you would have been with them- your nose bleeding and coughing up your lung just like there were!”

“You don’t know that!” Eddie snapped, his face red with either anger or embarrassment.

“But I do!” Buck yelled back, “Because it’s always the same with you, it’s always the same story with you, Eddie. You mess up and I save your ass and I don’t get a thank you or a sorry. I get to be your emotional punching bag.” He gestured to living room. “Did you even apologize to Christopher? Did you even tell him why you were dating Kim? Because I know you didn’t apologize to Marisol for cheating on her. Even after you made her your unofficial babysitter so you could “hang out with the boys”. Oh, and by the way, nice job on dropping Tommy the moment he couldn’t fly you out to Vegas on a whim.”

“The same Tommy that dumped you, you mean?” Eddie reminded him harshly, as expected.

Buck didn’t raise to the bait, “Yeah, it’s also the same Tommy that dropped everything when I called him to help me save Chimney when he was dying down at that lab while your behind was in El Paso.”

“I was trying to get my son back!” Eddie yelled in his face, Buck could see the redness take over Eddie’s face, his brown eyes dark with anger.

“AND I WAS TRYING TO SAVE THEM!” Buck yelled back louder, bumping his chest into Eddie’s hard enough that the other man staggered backwards. “You talked about having to get that call and having to tell Christopher Bobby died, I HAD TO WATCH HIM DIE, EDDIE!” he yelled, letting the tears fall without a care. “I watched Bobby, one of the most-the most important people to me, die. I had to call Athena to come in and I couldn’t do a damn thing to save him because he knew he was dying and chose to save Chimney. I had to watch Bobby bleed out, I had to pull Athena out of the lab after he collapsed, but yeah, you had it rough because you had to tell Christopher. “

“Most important person that you sued.” Eddie grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes as he swiped his hair back.

Trust Eddie to throw that in his face when he had nothing left to throw at Buck to use as emotional ammo. Buck clucked his tongue; he exhaled through his nose and pressed his lips tightly together. He looked at Eddie again and realized something.

The façade of Eddie broke right there in front of him.

Buck had always seen Eddie as this encompassing figure- calm and steady, but cool and collected. This brave guy that was tough as nails, big and strong because he was a hero. Even when Eddie was sprawled on the street and laying shot and bloody, Buck never saw him as small or broken.

But now he was seeing Eddie in a whole new and ugly light.

He picked a bad but perfect moment to realize that he was two inches taller that Eddie and had more muscles that him too.

He found himself snickering.

“What?” Eddie asked, his face twisted in disgust.

“Yeah, I sued Bobby, the LAFD, and the city because Bobby refused to have me back on the team even though I was cleared. I shouldn’t have done it, but I wanted to be back on the team. He knew that that’s why we were able to resolve it.” He stood up straighter and moved towards Eddie till he was face to face with him again. “Despite all that, despite being pissed at him for doing that because he was trying to protect me in his own way, I never threw it in his face that he somehow killed a bunch of people and his family just because he didn’t let me have my way.”

He saw the color drain from Eddie’s face, his arms falling to the side.

Buck nodded as it dawned on Eddie that Buck knew what he said to Bobby, “See? Selfish.” He walked back behind the kitchen island so that there was buffer between them again. “You always bring up about how I make things about me, but let’s be honest here Eddie, it’s you. You claim it’s about you putting Christopher first or thinking about the team, except it’s really about whatever the great Eddie Diaz wants.” Buck rolled his eyes, “It’s “Screw everyone else, I get what I want because I’m entitled to it because I’m Eddie Diaz” time.” Buck growled, “Screw the fact that you hurt your son, your ex-wife, your ex-girlfriends, your friends, your team, your captain, but hey, as long as you can sell it or spin it, whatever it is that Eddie Diaz thinks he deserves, then it's all good right?"

“Screw you, Buck.”

“Not even on a bet.” Buck seethed, “You can make yourself as innocent sounding all you want, you can make it seem like you’re trying to win father of the year or something, Eddie, but it’s not gonna work, not anymore.” Buck told him tensely.

“And what the hell is that suppose to mean?”

“It means I’m done fixing your mess, whether it’s Christopher or just with your life in general Eddie, I’m done with it. Find someone else to screw over.”

“I never asked you to fix my life! You’re being a freaking drama queen because I opened your bottle of champagne. If I knew you were this awful, I would have never accepted you taking up my lease.”

Buck gritted his teeth, “And I would have never agreed to be Christopher’s guardian!”

That gave Eddie pause. “What?”

“You keep doing this Eddie, jumping and making decisions without telling people. It’s your rules or nothing.”

“No wait, go back. What? I’m suddenly the bad guy because I made you Christopher’s guardian for when I die?”

Buck rubbed his head, he was getting really sick of Eddie now and this “innocent” act, “It’s more than that and you know it. You never told me; you wouldn’t have told me-”

“Yeah, I only told you because you were making me getting shot about you again! About how it would have been better if you got shot, remember?”

“Because I know that Christopher needed you here, his father!” Buck yelled to his face, “I wasn’t making it about me! I was making it about Christopher, because he comes first, remember?” he noticed how Eddie was avoiding looking at him now, “Isn’t that what you told me? Christoher comes first? But again, that’s only if he doesn’t get in the way of what you want because it’s always about what Eddie wants, we wouldn’t want to piss you off so much that you decide to blow up at everyone like you did with me and Bobby and drag everyone down with you and your mess!” He turned to leave, fed up with the fact that he wasted so many years on a friendship that was obviously one sided, where it was just give and take only when it was convenient for Eddie.

He felt Eddie grab at his wrist and pull him back. “We’re not done here, Buck!”

THWUMP

Buck stood frozen as he realized what he did.

He punched Eddie in the face. Hard enough that Eddie staggered back as he covered his nose, blood dripping from behind his hands as he landed hard against the fridge and slid down in pain and shock.

Eddie looked up at him, his eyes watery from the punch, filled with shock and confusion as Buck clenched and unclenched the hand he had punched Eddie with. He stood over Eddie, unsure what to do for a minute. The guilt of punching his former best friend was starting to build quickly.

He sighed loudly and picked up the bottle of champagne from the counter, corking it back as best he could. He said nothing as he walked away but made sure he knocked over the two glasses from the kitchen island, not wincing or flinching as one of the glasses fell to the floor.

He grabbed the last two boxes and left, leaving Eddie to finally clean up his own mess.

-

Buck heard his phone buzzing before he even parked his truck.

No surprise that Eddie probably told everyone what happened the minute he left.

He saw it was Chimney calling him.

“Hey Chim.”

“What the hell is wrong with you Buck?” Chimney has asked in lieu of a greeting. “Do you want to be fired? Because punching your teammate is a good way to get fired.”

Buck chuckled as he got out of the truck, pressing his phone between his ear and shoulder. “And yet you still have a job and are in the running to be captain, Chim. What’s your point?” he asked bitingly as he got the boxes out of his car. He didn’t want to juggle holding the boxes, the champagne bottle, and a cell phone all in one go.

“That was different!” Chimney said defensively, although Buck could sense the guilt in his brother-in-law’s voice.

“Why? Because I was the one that punched someone and not the person who was getting punched?” Buck asked.

“Of course not!”

“Then what?”

“It’s just- what the hell where you thinking? You’re not exactly the type to go off and punch your best friend, Buck.”

Buck dropped the boxes on the counter and walked back to get the champagne, “Well, things change when you realize your former best friend is a selfish jerk. Besides he grabbed and pulled at me when I tried to leave, I wasn’t gonna deal with him trying to hit me again.”

“Again?” Chimney echoed after a brief pause, “Eddie hit you before?”

“No.” Buck said honestly, “He just came at me when we had a fight about Bobby after the funeral, apparently I didn’t all I could to save Bobby.” He groused, slamming his truck door harder than needed.

“He said that?” Now it was Chimney who was starting to sound defensive. “He didn’t tell me that.”

“Shocking.” Buck fell back on the sofa, still holding the bottle of champagne, he brushed his thumb against the gold label.

“Why didn’t you tell me he said that?”

Buck rested his head back against the sofa, feeling drained and tired to the bone. The last thing he had expected was to blow up at Eddie, much less punch him.

He had been running on empty for so long that he didn’t even realize that his sadness had turned to bitterness.

Buck licked his lips, “Didn’t want to make it about me.” He confessed, it was the truth- it was petty to say it that way, but it was honest.

He heard Chimney sigh and could picture his brother-in-law looking worried but annoyed at Buck’s antics and attitude.

“Buck,” Chimney’s voice became softer, almost concerning sounding “He shouldn’t have said that to you.”

“But he did.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Look Buck, I know you’re pissed, and you have all the right to be, I’m not gonna argue with you there, but if the chief makes me captain, then I’m gonna have to know that I can trust you and Eddie to work together again.”

Buck was only half-listening now. He was looking at bottle, his heart cracking as he thought back to that morning after Tommy left. He hadn’t noticed the bottle immediately when he was putting away the breakfast that Tommy had made them. But once he did, he didn’t have the heart to give it away.

A part of him felt stupid for wanting to save it.

Like it was the last bit of something that was his and Tommy’s.

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

Buck said it without realizing what he meant.

What he was implying.

“What do you mean?” Chimney asked, slowly and cautiously, as though he knew what Buck was trying to say.

Buck sniffed, he stood up and set the bottle down on the kitchen table. “I mean…I’m gonna go through with the transfer.”

The pause between them was too long.

Buck knew that Chimney was trying to process the news, trying to figure out what he could tell Buck to convince him to stay.

“C’mon Buck, you can’t-”

“I’m serious, Chim. I’m leaving the 118, it’s time.”  

“Look, hey, I-I know what Eddie said pissed you off, it’s pissing me off. But you don’t have to leave the 118, we can work through this.”

“No, no we can’t.” Buck sighed, “I don’t want to work though it to be honest, I-I don’t think I can handle being with the 118 anymore, being with you guys. I love you and Hen and Ravi, and even Eddie, but I-I don’t think I’m ever going to be taken seriously by you guys.”

“That’s not-”

“Chimney, tell me the truth, are you going to honestly tell me that you don’t still see me as that dumb ass 26 years old?”

The silence was all the answer he needed.

“There’s my answer, I guess.” He laughed deprecatingly.

“Buck, look- it’s not like I-”

He could hear the start of Chimney starting to spiral and back track now.

“Chimney,” he started off firmly, “It’s okay, really. It’s time anyway. Don’t you think so?”

Chimney’s voice cracked a bit as he asked, “You really want to do this? The 118 is more than just a number, Buck. It’s the family we chose. Bobby’s team and family.”

Buck hummed in agreement, “Yeah, it is.” He rubbed the back of his head where a headache was forming, the heartache and stress from today was overwhelming. “But every family needs their black sheep, right?”

“Buck.”

“Besides,” Buck hated how his voice cracked but he felt safe saying this over the phone. He felt safe to let the tears slide down his face, “It’s not like we’re not gonna see each other after I leave, you’re my brother-in-law, your designated babysitter for your kids, man.”

“You’re more than that and you know it, you jerk.” Chimney choked out. “So…you’re really doing this? You’re gonna leave the 118?”

Buck sniffed, “Yeah, yeah. I think really need to leave and find another station.”

“Well…any station would be lucky to have you.”

“You think so? You don’t think I’ll “Buck it up” somehow?”

That got Chimney to laugh, “No, I think any station that you pick will be lucky to have you as a firefighter. Bobby would be proud of you too, wherever you decide to go, Evan.”

“Thanks…Howie.”

 That got them both to laugh and assured Buck that he was making the right decision this time.

-

It was stupid.

This was stupid.

But after staring at the bottle of champagne for over an hour, Buck felt like he was driving himself crazy with questions.

And after the day he had, he felt brazen enough to do this.

This being driving to Tommy’s house and waiting for him to get home.

When he arrived at Tommy’s he noticed all the lights to the house where off and that Tommy’s porch light was on, something he only did when he left the house at night.

He was about to doze off when a car pulled up to the house, the headlights shining directly into his truck. Buck shielded his face till the lights turned off, he could hear voices.

Tommy and another man talking as they got out off the man’s car.

Before he could think about what he was walking into and the ramification, Buck hopped out of his truck, champagne bottle tightly in his grasp.

Tommy spotted him first, even in the dim lighting of the streetlights, Buck could see Tommy was surprised to see him. His froze, his eyes wide as he saw Buck, “Evan.” Tommy looked back at Evan to the other man, a well-built guy with straight black hair pulled into a bun and wearing a nice button down and slacks.

They clearly were coming back from a date.

But Buck didn’t care.

“Hey Tommy.” He lifted the champagne bottle. “Can we talk?”

Tommy gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he looked at Buck, confused and uncertain before looking at bun head guy. “I-uh…” he looked at bun head. “Do you mind if we-”

Bun head frowned, giving he stink eye towards Buck before leaning forward towards Tommy and kissing him on the lips. “Sure, it’s late anyway. Call me tomorrow then?”

“Sure.” Tommy promised half-heartedly, or at least Buck hoped it was half-hearted.

He said nothing till bun head guy drove off.

“I owe you an apology.”

Tommy looked taken aback, whatever he had thought Buck would say, it clearly wasn’t that. Buck watched him as he frowned, his arms crossed. “Evan, you don’t have to apologize for-”

He cut off Tommy quickly before he lost his nerve, “Yeah, I do.”

“No you don’t, I shouldn’t have said what I said about Eddie. I just needed…” Tommy ran his hand tiredly over his face, “I was just being insecure and jealous and I just needed someone to blame for my mess up so –”

“Panicked?”

Tommy let out a sour chuckle, “Yeah. I’m sorry, Evan.”

Buck shrugged, “Well I lied, so I’m no better.”

“Lied about what?” Tommy frowned.

“About how much I miss you.” Buck said without a beat, he took a step closer to Tommy, “I was a mess after you dumped me, Tommy. I started baking every time I thought about reaching out to you and ended up using every ounce of flour at every Vons, Ralphs, and Trader Joes within a ten-mile radius. And I’m not exaggerating; I think everyone at the station gained ten pounds because I kept feeding them carbs.”

Buck could see the wetness shining in Tommy’s eyes, the other man lower lip trembled as he looked at Buck in awe. “You really missed me?” he asked softly, a bit of fear in the questions as though he expected Buck to take back what he said.

“I missed you so much that I couldn’t think of putting myself out there again, I missed you so much that the others were playing keep away from my phone because I saw you bubbling me over text.”

Buck wasn’t sure how, but he didn’t mind it, they were standing so close now.

Tommy laughed, his head bowed so close to Buck’s shoulder that Buck could smell Tommy’s familiar eucalyptus and mint shampoo and conditioner.

“Bubbling?”

Buck couldn’t help but smile at how Tommy’s smile and laugh always had Tommy scrunching his nose in the most adorable way.

“You were texting me something, what was it anyway?”

Tommy was standing closer somehow.

“It was probably me about to spill my guts about how much I missed you too.” He confessed breathlessly, Buck caught sight at how shaky Tommy’s hands were even when Tommy was trying to hide them.

“So, we both miss each other then?” Buck asked hopefully, his eyes never leaving Tommy’s.

“Yeah…I guess so.”

Buck lifted the bottle again, hope and fear building in his chest as he asked, “Maybe we can try again?”

“Evan-”

“Tommy.

Tommy sighed, his head lolling back as he let out a half sigh half chuckle, “You really want to deal with my mess? I feel like all I do is just drag you down and you don’t deserve that.”

Buck pressed his hand against Tommy’s cheek, brushing his thumb gently over Tommy’s lower lip, “After all the times I’ve dragged you into my messes? Tommy, I called you to help me with saving Chimney after we broke up and you still came.” he leaned forward till the tip of his nose was brushing Tommy’s nose, he could see Tommy close his eyes, relaxing in Buck’s hold and presence. “You’ve showed up for me even when you didn’t need to, I can show up and be there for your messes too.”

Tommy blinked back tears, he brought up a shaky hand and brushed away Buck’s own tears. “You deserve better, Evan.”

 “Fortunately, that’s you.” Buck leaned forward again, his lips so close to Tommy’s own lips, but he waited. “Tommy.”

Tommy brought him in closer, his hand still on Buck’s cheek as he kissed him. It wasn’t hurried and frantic like the last time they kissed.

This was reminiscent of their first kiss.

Soft, gentle, and hopeful.

So much more hopeful.

They stood there kissing till Buck pulled back, lifting the bottle again. “Can we open this together finally?”

Tommy looked at the bottle, realizing it was already open. “You opened it already?”

“Eddie did.” He replied thickly, “He didn’t know you bought it for us.”

Tommy couldn’t hide the brief flash of hurt that came over his features, “He must of have had good news to share with you then.” He didn’t do well with hiding the bitterness in his voice either.

“No.” Buck shook his head, “He was just being an ass.”

Buck laughed at Tommy’s reaction, the man’s jaw had dropped, and he looked rightfully confused. Buck couldn’t blame him; he had made the comment with such obvious disdain about someone who used to be his best friend.

“What happened?”

Buck waved the question off, “Don’t worry about it,” he honestly didn’t have the energy to go through the story now, “I just-I just want to celebrate us for now. I’ll tell you what happened later.”

“Evan…”

“Tommy.” Buck pressed his forehead against Tommy’s, “Please, I promise, I’ll tell you. I just don’t-I don’t want to get into that mess right now.”

“Your mess is my mess, remember?”  

Buck felt something catch in his throat, his eyes welled up with tears again as he hummed in agreement. He looked at Tommy and saw nothing but kindness and worry in his eyes.

It was what caused him to break finally.

What caused him to feel safe to finally break

Tommy caught him, holding Buck tightly as he broke down and sobbed as Tommy held him and whispered comforting words.

“You’re okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Evan.”

-

The champagne bottle was nearly empty now.

They hadn’t drunk any of it till the next morning, mixing it with orange juice and eating breakfast tacos in their sweats (Buck in Tommy’s borrowed sweats, including his favorite Tommy hoodie) while cuddled up together on the couch.

They celebrated getting back together again, they toasted to Bobby’s life and talked over Buck’s news about transferring to the 118.

Tommy let out a low whistle, “You ready for it?”

“You’re not gonna try to convince me to stay at the 118?”

Tommy frowned at that, “No?” his nose scrunched up in a way that had Buck smiling into Tommy’s shoulder, “I mean, I left the 118. I don’t think I have much to stand on there, if you think it’s the right move then that’s all that matters.”

Buck pulled him in for a kiss, licking away the taste sweetness and saltines from the mimosas and breakfast tacos. “What was that for?” Tommy asked, dazed and all smiles as Buck kissed him again.

“It’s just-I really missed you.”

Tommy kissed him this time, “Me too.” Tommy confessed, his voice soft as Buck leaned against him, missing so much at how they just fit.

It was a little bit later when they were putting away the breakfast dishes when Tommy asked, “So do you want to tell me what happened between you and Eddie yesterday?”

“Oh. That.” Buck shrugged, “We got into a fight, and I punched him.”

Tommy nearly dropped the plate he was holding, “Y-You what?”

Buck had to bite back a smile at Tommy’s startled reaction, “Yeah…sort of long messy story.”

Tommy snorted in disbelief, “I bet.” He studied Buck for second, “Do-Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck thought about it, he honestly didn’t want to waste anymore time or energy on Eddie. Especially after yesterday.

“No, not right now.” He pulled Tommy by his hips closer to him, “Is that okay?”

Tommy cupped his face, “More than okay, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Buck believed him, he knew Tommy cared about him, and he could feel it. In all the small and big ways Tommy showed it.

It was what Buck loved about him.  

“I know, I will be, eventually. I think I’m starting to get there anyway.”

“Good.”

[styxhuntress]

Buck unties the apron and hangs it up before uncovering the pot of chili. The scent is exactly the same and, a quick taste test later, is as close to what Bobby used to make as he can get it.

Taking a deep breath, he makes himself smile as he turns around and announces, "Dinner's ready."

"Not hungry, Buck," says Chimney on the couch.

Hen is at the table poring over paperwork. "Thanks, Buck, but I don't know if I have the appetite right now."

Buck swallows down the disappointment. "Right. Okay, uh, I-I'm just gonna leave that on the island. Help yourselves to it when you get hungry."

Gerrard and Eddie walk out of the office at that point and Gerrard sniffs the air. "Buckley, you made dinner again?"

"I've washed the dishes and utensils I used already, sir." Buck keeps his expression as pleasantly neutral as he can. "Would you like some?"

Gerrard harrumphed. "Well, I would. But I'll serve myself.."

After Gerrard takes a bowl and walks back to his office to eat, Eddie wanders over and plops into the chair next to Hen.

"Can't believe you're cooking for that old geezer," Eddie says.

"I'm not cooking for him, I'm cooking for everyone on shift." Buck stirs his chili. The color is rich and the scent decadent. He wants to throw up.

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Well. At least he appreciates it."

"You can have some too," Buck says quietly. "I'm not stopping you from getting a plate."

"Nah. Think I'll just order a burger, I'm gonna head home soon." Eddie stands.

Buck slaps his ladle on the counter.

He doesn't know why he did that. Abruptly, he stands and heads to the kitchen island to grab a dishrag to wipe away whatever mess he made.

"You don't have to be passive aggressive about me eating something else," Eddie says.

A bowstring in the depths of Buck's mind snaps. He grabs the pot of chili and dumps the lot of it, pot and all, into the trash.

He stares at the hours of work he's just discarded, and swallows down the tears before turning around to go downstairs, except the three others are now all standing and staring at him, like he's gone mad.

Maybe he has. Who the fuck cares.

Eddie has his hands on his hip. "What's with the dramatics now, Buck?*

"None of you want it anyway. Why should I bother?" Buck snaps.

"Buck, we just weren't hungry," Chimney starts, but falters when Buck glares at him.

Hen steps closer. "Buck, you didn't have to throw the food away."

"Do you even know what I made?" he demands.

All of them are silent. Buck feels another bowstring break.

"I made chili. Bobby's chili. With his secret ingredient," Buck says. "Hours. Washing, chopping, cooking. No one asked."

"Buck, we were busy," Chimney offers weakly.

"I know, I went out on the same calls as you. I mopped up the bay floors, took inventory, rolled the lines. I did my job and I cooked." Buck gulps down the sour frustration in the back of his throat. "I cooked for us. But I guess I should know better by now."

"You're gonna make it about you again, Buck?" Eddie sounds exasperated. "We've talked about this."

"No, we didn't. You accused me of it, just like you're doing now, and so what if I'm making it about me?" Buck explodes. "Am I not allowed to feel emotions? Am I supposed to just grin and bear it? To let you say those things like they don't hurt?"

The silence that falls over them is deafening.

Buck can't even look at them. "You think I don't know I'm being irrational and obsessive about all this? I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do, and there isn't anyone I can ask, but I am trying! I'm trying and I get no acknowledgement of it. Every time I reach out, you guys just brush me off or, or talk about me behind my back, like I am not mature enough to handle difficult topics. Like I'm a child."

"Buck, that's not -"

"It is, Hen, and you know it is. But I have a duty. I have to... I have to, I have to check in on Chimney, and on you, and I don't even know how to approach Athena but I will have to, and I have, I have to think about, think about how Eddie feels, what he thinks, because otherwise he would hide important stuff from me, his so-called best friend, and he gets angry when I find out even though he's the one hiding secrets, a-and work goes on, and no one eats together anymore, and I'm trying. I am trying so hard to keep the 118 as it was, but I can't do it."

"No one asked you to," Hen says gently, reaching for his shoulder, but Buck bats it away and steps back.

He stares at her bleakly. "Bobby did."

The atmosphere chills about ten degrees. Buck hugs himself. "Bobby told me... He told me I'm gonna be okay. That you guys would need me." He can't stop the tears now but he doesn't care, he's so tired. "But you don't. None of you do. And I don't think I'm gonna be okay, not anymore."

Eddie takes a step forward and Buck backs up. Incredulous, Eddie stares and folds his arms. "And you think any of us are gonna be okay?"

"I didn't say that-"

"So what are you saying? That you're special and your feelings are unique?"

"You weren't here," Buck spits out, cutting Eddie off.

Eddie goes pale and tense. "Buck, don't you throw that in my face-"

"You weren't here when Bobby fired me and took me back into the 118. You weren't here when he showed me that he believed in me. He was... He was the one who guided me through my first real relationship, and he had... He'd..." Buck wishes he could grab someone and point them to all the things Bobby's taught him. "The last thing he said to me... The last thing he said to me, was 'I love you, kid'. He was proud of me and he loved me, which is so much more than my own father ever showed. In every way except for blood, Bobby was my dad. And everything I've done since that night was to prove that... That I could live up to his expectations, but I can't, and I'm sick and tired of having to be okay, when I'm not, of trying to be the one you guys can reach out to, but none of you even have a hand outstretched, and I know I'm not Bobby, I can't be him, but all I wanted was for us to have a meal together, like the family he made us."

Hopelessly aware that he's a blubbering mess, Buck scrubs his palms over his eyes and cheeks before he pushes past Eddie and a silent Hen.

Chimney reaches out to him. "Buck -"

"I'm done, Chimney. You guys eat whatever you want. Do whatever you want. I'm done."

He tears down the steps and runs out of the firehouse. It's not about the chili. It never was about the chili.

But he wishes they had taken some and they could have eaten together.

[styxhuntress]

Chris saw it in the morning when Buck was making breakfast.

He wasn't looking for it, but he had long learned to pay attention to his surroundings.

When his dad came into the kitchen, Buck stopped talking almost immediately, and as his dad went from the fridge to the stove to see what Buck was cooking, Buck flinched. It wasn't a huge, dramatic flinch, but he did tense and withdraw half a step. Instantly, he plastered on a weak smile and said that he was making scrambled eggs.

Why would Buck flinch from Dad?

He was not a kid anymore, though, and didn't ask right there at the table. He didn't think Dad noticed either, since he was smiling tiredly and saying something about it being nice to wake up in Los Angeles again with his kid. Making sure to nod or respond at the appropriate places, Chris kept his attention on what Buck said or did.

And he could tell that Buck was faking. Fake interest. Fake smiles. Fake comments.

Chris did not like it. "Hey, Dad? Since I'm here, can I go visit some of my friends? I told them I would be in LA for a few days and they said they were free."

"Yeah, that's good. Want me to drive you? I'll grab a rental."

"No it's good, I can Uber to Kelly's."

It wasn't a lie, he was going to meet his friends. But he was also going to find out what happened.

Buck was his friend, after all.

---

As Kelly and Chance set up the game console and squabbled over which game to start with, Chris called Buck.

"Chris, hey buddy. Is everything okay?" Buck said, sounding a little frantic.

"Sorry, are you busy?" Chris asked. "I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed-" Fake. Artificial. Absent. "-distracted this morning."

There was a poignant pause. Then he heard Buck take a deep breath. "Y-yeah. I was, uh, just thinking. About something your dad told me."

"What did Dad tell you?" Christopher waved to his friends to start the game first.

"It's nothing. I just... I hadn't thought how it would be for him to... To find out about Bobby. While he was not here." Buck exhaled loudly. "I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry I couldn't save Cap."

"Buck, I know you'd have done everything you could," Chris said firmly. "And Dad wasn't here in LA because he screwed up and I got angry and he had to come get me and it wasn't anyone's choice for him to not be here. Don't beat yourself up about that, okay?"

Now Chris wanted to beat up his dad. What did he say exactly to Buck to make him guilty about something that wasn't his fault?

"...okay."

Chris could picture Buck's shaky smile on the other end of the line. With a sigh, Chris said, "Be safe, Buck."

"For you, buddy? I will do my best."

"For me and for you and for everyone. I love you Buck. We all do."

He listened to the sharp intake of breath. Then Buck sniffled and said, "Yeah? Thanks, Chris. I, uh, I didn't know I needed to hear that. Thank you. I gotta go. You have a good day today."

He needed to hear that? Has Tommy not told Buck? Chris went to join his friends on the couch and whooped at the next brilliant move, but when there was a lull, he texted Tommy.

this is chris in case you lost my number

pls check on buck

i think he's feeling bad abt himself and he shouldn't be

and i think my dad may have said some stuff that bothers buck

He didn't get a reply immediately. That was fine, Tommy might be working.

---

When he returned home - technically Buck's, but it still felt like his - he saw an unexpected truck in the driveway.

Tommy was leaning against the driver's side door and his face was a thundercloud, easing slightly when he saw Chris.

"Hey, kid. Wanted to text you back but figured I'd come see you instead." He hugged Chris. "I didn't lose your number."

"Sure felt like it, since I didn't get a single text from you. What, I'm not cool enough to hang with a pilot?"

Tommy's face crinkled up into a warm smile. Chris liked that smile. "On the contrary, I was the one not cool enough. You've grown so big!"

"I swam a lot in Texas." He tilted his head. "What's wrong? You seemed angry."

Tommy's expression went through several complicated iterations before it settled on resigned. "I, uh, had a difficult conversation with your father."

"What did he say?"

The front door opened and Dad appeared. "Chris, get inside."

"I'm just catching up with Tommy," Chris said.

"He's outstayed his welcome."

"Dad, this isn't our house, and I'm sure Buck won't mind his boyfriend hanging out here."

"He's not Buck's boyfriend anymore," his dad spat out coldly. "He's no one."

"I may not be Evan's boyfriend anymore, but at least I'm still his friend. And if Christopher weren't here, I'd be kicking your ass for what you told Evan."

"Don't use Chris as a shield. Come kick my ass," Dad said, stepping up. "You know you won't win." Scoffing, he added, "I didn't think Buck would go whining to you about our little fight last night. I didn't even hit him."

Chris couldn't believe what he was hearing. Neither could Tommy, apparently.

"You... You almost hit him?" Tommy asked.

"He didn't tell you that?"

"Dad, how could you?" Chris demanded. "And no, Buck didn't go running to him, I texted him to ask him to check on Buck. Because Buck was acting weird. Was that why he flinched from you?"

The look of guilt on his dad's face was soon masked by a cold indiference. "Go in, Chris. This has nothing to do with you."

"It has to do with me because Buck's my friend!" Chris yelled. He took a step forward and nearly tumbled, catching himself just in time, nodding at Tommy whose arms were outstretched to catch him. "Buck is my friend, Dad. And he's yours. How could you?"

"Grief makes us do strange things," Tommy said, but his gaze was hard when he turned. "I hope you apologize properly to Evan. He's been trying his best, and you know he has, he doesn't deserve any of your anger. You wanna fight? Come at me. I'm used to it."

Chris noticed the tic in his dad's jaw, and decided that it was enough fighting for the day. "Dad? Let's go inside."

"I'll be seeing you, Kinard," Dad said as Chris walked past him.

Chris looked out as Tommy opened his car door. "Counting on it, Diaz."

[styxhuntress]

"I was a jerk, yeah, but I was tired of Buck making it all about himself," Eddie said, slumped back in the chair at the dining table. "Like... He didn't even ask how I was when I got the phone call. How it felt to be unable to do anything. Not being here."

Ravi froze. "And you said that to him? Told him that he was making everything about himself?"

Eddie shrugged. "Not in those exact words, but pretty much."

With a deep breath, Ravi forced himself to unclench his fists. Then he stood up and grabbed their mugs and plates, dropped them in the sink, and began washing up almost aggressively.

"Ravi?" Eddie called out. Then his tone changed slightly, a little more conspiratorially. "Come on, you saw how he was with the, the grief assessment and all that, just obsessively checking off-"

"-because he cares about us!" Ravi snapped out. He squeezed the sponge and gripped the side of the sink so he didn't have to look at Eddie. "He's doing all that because he feels that he has to. Can't you see it?"

"I know he's spiraling-"

"You know he's spiraling and you still said that?" Ravi didn't bother keeping the disgust out of his tone. "I can't believe- You're supposed to be his best friend, and you said what you said to him?"

Eddie cleared his throat and mumbled something.

"He was the last of us who saw... who saw Cap that night, other than Athena." Ravi was breathing heavily, biting on his lower lip as he tried to find the words. "All of us knew... All of us know... That Buck was Bobby's favorite. Treated him like his son. We all know this, and you should know this better than anyone, and he had to... He had to walk away, knowing that Bobby was dying, knowing..." Tears rolled down his cheeks and he let them drip into the sink.

"We all lost Cap," Eddie snarled.

"And Buck lost his dad!" Ravi shouted. His voice echoed in the firehouse. Someone downstairs cleared their throat. Turning around, Ravi stared at Eddie. "You're a dad. Imagine how Chris would feel if you died. And now imagine anyone telling Chris that he was making your death all about himself."

Eddie stiffened. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

Returning to the sink, Ravi rinsed out the mugs and plates, setting them on the drying rack before he swiped away the tear tracks on his face. "I'm glad you're not my best friend, Eddie. And I'm sorry Buck would never kick your ass, no matter what you do. Because he has just too big a heart and too much forgiveness."

[styxhuntress]

About the argument scene in 8x16 and on the debate about whether Eddie was accusing Buck of letting Bobby die or if Buck was taking it too personally. Think about this: every time they argue, Eddie devolves into full on insulting Buck and attacking his character.

Maybe the Eddie defenders are right and Buck overreacted. But here’s the thing. That behavior is learned. Habit. Because whenever he argues with Eddie, he winds up forced to be on the defensive because he knows his character is going to be attacked. Eddie always insults and attacks him. It would make sense that anytime they argue that Buck would start to assume that everything said in the argument is an attack on his character. Because in the past it has been with Eddie.

Now for the sake of this argument, I am not saying that Eddie was indeed accusing Buck. Maybe Eddie didn’t mean it the way Buck took it. But it’s understandable why Buck would think that’s what he meant. Because in the past, Eddie always plays the victim when they argue and often makes everything Buck’s fault.

So maybe they are right and Eddie didn’t accuse Buck of letting Bobby die. But it’s understandable why Buck (and those who dislike the way their friendship and his character have deteriorated the way they have) took it that way.

[styxhuntress]

Just Buck and Ravi trolling the shit out of each other (featuring Tommy because it's fun)

[styxhuntress]

Some Sentences Sunday

One hour until it’s Monday, so it still counts!

Here’s a little something from a nonverbal!Buck BuckTommy fic I’ve been chipping away at:

When they’re all situated in the chopper and heading out to the Mexican coast, Tommy’s focus remains steadfastly out his windshield and on his controls, the words of Howie and the rest of the gang flowing through his headset and only somewhat registering. Sometimes there are pauses in the conversation flow, and out of the corner of his eye Tommy can see Evan moving his hands in fast, precise gestures that Eddie almost immediately responds to.

It’s only when Eddie remarks, “I don’t think ‘who cares’ is the best motto, Buck,” only to be met with silence and then respond with a laugh and an, “Okay, sure, but even with context it doesn’t quite work,” that it clicks for Tommy.

Evan’s using Sign Language. 

Tommy wracks his brain, trying to remember if he noticed a hearing aid or not in one of Evan’s ears when Howie introduced them. It wasn’t completely unheard of for a house to have a Deaf firefighter, though it was uncommon. But, no, Evan didn’t have a hearing aid from what Tommy remembered, and he hadn’t been reading Tommy’s lips. So perhaps not Deaf, but nonverbal?

There isn’t really a PC way of asking, at least not one that Tommy can think of on the spot. Thankfully, he’s saved from attempting it by the fire chief’s call coming through his headset, asking just what the hell Tommy thinks he’s doing taking an unsanctioned joy ride out to the middle of the ocean. 

Tommy does the only thing he can think of. He bullshits. 

Putting on the performance of his life, he spatters fake mouth static between his words, breaking them up until all that’s audible is, “Chief Simpson… trouble reading… can’t hear!” before abruptly ending the call. 

Tommy looks to a bug-eyed Hen, asking, “Do you think he bought it?” 

There’s an awkward silence, then Howie asks, “What’s our motto?”

Perfectly in sync, everyone drones, “Who cares,” and in the corner of his eye, Tommy sees Evan signing along too, making a motion like he’s throwing something over his shoulder with a roll of his eyes. 

Tommy suppresses a grin as he steers them into the brunt of the storm.

[styxhuntress]

I saw a post a while ago that joked about how fanfic writers love to give characters non-specific paperwork when they need the characters to be bored or tired from a long day. They speculated it’s because a lot of fanfic writers are either very young, or typically not very familiar with the jobs they’re writing about. And now that I’m back into reading merlin fanfiction I’m obsessed with how the equivalence of this for Arthur is shit to do with wheat and grain. Merlin wants to know where Arthur is? Oh he’s probably in a boring council meeting about wheat yields. Why has Arthur had a long day? Well he was spending all day surveying the grain storage for the upcoming winter. Arthur’s been arguing with other nobles? Probably because they all want more of the grain grown on their own land. This man is micro managing every single stalk grown in the kingdom of camelot no wonder he never noticed merlin’s magic

[styxhuntress]

I'm not gonna lie...I'm really enjoying the uptick of fics where Buck stands up to Asshole Eddie.

[styxhuntress]

Never have I ever gone so fast from "this character is hot and I want to write all the fic about him" to "IT'S ON SIGHT, BITCH"