sub-boy-for-you - Tumblr blog

[sub-boy-for-you]

[sub-boy-for-you]

So ranting time. I am done telling people why I wanted things to happen to the original plan because I realized noone gives a fuck about what I wanted and the never will because I'm not important. This thanksgiving weekend the plan was to go up to my asshole of a step dads house wendsday night and spend thanksgiving there then head home Friday. I'll tell you now that plan went amazing let me tell you. We stayed until tonight Sunday and are just heading home now. My mom made that choice even though she knows I hate my step dad and hate being up there. The thing she doesn't know because I don't want her to for a few certain reasons is I'm suicidal up there. I used to cut every time we where up there but thanks to my angel I no longer do. That just makes my mind worse up there. So I told my mother my plans (My plans if we where to have gone home Friday as planned was to hang out with friends and probably go stay the night at one of my buddy's. That was one part the other was to spend time with my girlfriend if she could, and spend time with my dad who I barely get time with.) And she doesn't care that I missed all that even though she told me I could stay the night at my buddy's house. Then she started telling me that I should like it up there because I make money and I should stop acting like everyone else is more important then family and bills really trying. First I don't fucking care about that damn money $50 for working all weekend for what most people would have made a couple hundred for that's b.s. and money is not happiness especially when while you are making it you feel like you would rather be dead. Second I do fucking put my family first. The difference is I have family who ain't blood and blood who ain't family. She doesn't get that And lastly and my step dad has done one hell of a job trying let me tell you how much. I got in trouble because I couldn't fall asleep until the sun was starting to come up and I was still asleep at 10. Bitch I'm hardly getting any sleep. But like I said it doesn't matter because its me who would give a shit about me sleeping or what my plans where. So I found out 212 days tell I'm free where I won't have to deal with that shit. Thanks just needed to vent.

[sub-boy-for-you]

They say you have to love yourself before others could love you. I don't believe that. I believe those who love you teach you to love yourself.

[sub-boy-for-you]

#empty

[sub-boy-for-you]

#depressing

[sub-boy-for-you]

[sub-boy-for-you]

Why am I me. I mean no one knows me. The real me. I was doing good, but stuff happens and I couldn't stop myself. I feel horrible because I broke a promise to someone that means the world to me. I hurt myself again. I didn't use a blade. Instead my hands are cut up from me punching things I knew would hurt me and I have bruses on my legs from me punching them. You see self harm ain't always cutting, it can be anything that You do to hurt yourself so you can dim the pain inside. I feel ashamed of Who I am anymore. I can't even look into a mirror because I hate myself so much I know I'd wanna lung at my own reflection. I'm not me anymore. I had a break down not long ago and all I could do is sit in the darkness emotionless. I still am emotionally drained wrighting this and want to feel something other then this nothing.