sucker-for-dreams

[sucker-for-dreams]

Today the day started well again, and I started doing things to feel better, to get my life back on track. I put off a lot of unpleasant things like important appointments or therapy. It may sound silly, but I'm really scared of things like that, which is probably due to my social anxiety. Today I started to cut down my list a bit and work on it, and I was really, really proud of it. It was a bit overwhelming, but I did it. The rest of the day went relatively well. After I got home from work, I got another message. I'm trying really hard, so why does something like this throw me off track again? It's scaring me so much, all my energy and motivation are gone. I'm so afraid that everything will get worse than it already is. Please, I feel so powerless. The worst thing is that something like this is affecting me so much that I'm thinking about ending everything again. Please give me a break. I'm begging. I'm tired.

[sucker-for-dreams]

I guess I just want to be worth the time

[sucker-for-dreams]

I really need a long, tight hug today, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone I trust. Nothing feels safe or familiar anymore. I'm constantly in stressful situations, and I don't know where to turn or who to talk to. I feel like my worries aren't taken seriously anymore because I always do everything on my own and keep to myself. But right now, I wish so badly for someone to just be there for me. I want to curl up in my blanket and hide from my fears and problems forever.

[sucker-for-dreams]

Mom, please tell me how can I fix this mess? How can I fix myself? I'm so desperate for peace.

[sucker-for-dreams]

I don't know how everything will be okay again. It's so overwhelming, and I'm so fucking scared. I'd rather die than continue living with these feelings.

[sucker-for-dreams]

I've found that writing down my thoughts and letting out my feelings here helps me a little. I think it's partly because I know the people I love won't read all of this, and I don't have to worry about them having to deal with my headaches too.

[sucker-for-dreams]

I believe that at some point in life, you just simply accept your depression, learn to handle it with care, and understand yourself better to a certain extent. I would boldly claim that I can handle mine well—which is totally contradictory. But what I've realized is that the only thing that could throw me off the edge right now are all things that scare me and threaten my existence. Of course, that's why I only see ONE way out. I know I can get out of this- things can get better- and I'm working on it. But the thought that I'm currently walking on eggshells scares me. One wrong step, one small movement, and I would end my life immediately. For fear of consequences that would give me even more to bear than I can carry right now. And all because I always thought I could handle everything on my own. I've realized that I desperately need help, that I need support, that I can't do it alone. But when you're on your own, it doesn't bother you so much. You ignore it and stretch the thread until it rips. Until you wonder why it did now. I wish so much that I could learn to deal with this better, to reach for help and be strong enough to take it. I'm so afraid of myself right now. I'm trying to tie my threads back together and hope they hold.

[sucker-for-dreams]

Today I sign the contract for my dream job, but why doesn't it make me as happy as I thought it would when the time comes?

[sucker-for-dreams]

I feel so bad rn... Why can't I just be happy?

[sucker-for-dreams]

Yesterday I was at a concert alone, and the songs gave me strength. I thought, maybe, just maybe- everything will be okay soon. I just need to pull myself together and think more positively. Today, I've had a lot of pressure and stress again... I feel like a burden, (well- I guess I am, in some way) but also so alone with everything. All the strength I gained yesterday is already gone. Now I'm thinking so stupidly again. Maybe there's only one way for me, one that doesn't lead back but ends everything. Maybe that's just the way it is.

[sucker-for-dreams]

All the things I once loved are no longer fun anymore, they haven't been for too long. I've reached the point where I see paint black and plan everything ahead so as not to be a burden. I can't see the bright side anymore. Maybe I'll sell everything or give it away... Uhhggg, I'm so tired. Please, why can't I just function?