summerpearlpen

[summerpearlpen]

Replace “what if I regret this?” with “what if this sets me free?”

[summerpearlpen]

sick today so the horses must suffer too

[summerpearlpen]

I'm watching Notting Hill and all I can think about is Luke Newton coming home after a long day of filming and watching romcoms to make sure he gave us the absolute best version of Colin Bridgerton to ever exist (he succeeded) and I can see bits of William Thacker in his portrayal -- the self-deprecating smirks, the well-timed nervous stuttering, the smiling when he's trying to shake off the nerves...

Luke Newton you sweet, sweet, sweet man I love you forever.

[summerpearlpen]

Which path should he choose?

The path of the warrior, the path of the scholar, or the path of the artist?

[summerpearlpen]

A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd. 

Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough. 

Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.

[summerpearlpen]

you ever wake up from a dream amd immediately think "well that was a bit heavyhanded"

[summerpearlpen]

My mom kept complaining that all of a sudden the Beatles are back and they're fucking everywhere and they're so obnoxious and were practically having an orgy in her garden under a cucumber leaf and that's when I realized she meant spotted cucumber beetles and not Paul McCartney

[summerpearlpen]

it is honestly amazing how much of writing and editing is just. logistics. like... do i use a name here or a pronoun? if i move this dialogue tag to the middle of this line and break it in half, does the end of the line hit harder that way? what if i move the tag to the front? what if i remove it entirely? ...wait, whose point of view am i in; can i reasonably say this character is appalled, or must i say they look or seem or sound appalled? is this a deliberate action or a step-removed one; is her hand closing on his shoulder, or is she closing her hand on his shoulder? environment environment environment, we need to break all this dialogue up with some narration, the scene is coming untethered. what! are! they doing! with! the rest of their bodies that are not hands! fuck fuck fuck FUCK i forgot we covered this two chapters ago and now i either need to cut this whole chunk or find a reason to reprise the conversation from earlier. name or pronoun? name or pronoun? name or pronoun? move this clause around in this sentence? oh i'll add this phrase-- nope, never mind, past!me added the same phrase two lines down. okay, if i add too much environmental narration it's going to take away from this bit, but not enough and it won't feel grounded. what if i move this to its own line? where the FUCK are their hands?

[summerpearlpen]

This is so wholesome

[summerpearlpen]

if you're writing and find yourself thinking 'this is too weird/gross/offputting/esoteric/ambitious/catered to my specific interests + sure to push away a broader audience' that is the devil speaking and it is a lie. you are already firmly on the right path and you need to double down

[summerpearlpen]

not to be like both sides are wrong, and only i’m right, but i have been thinking about sabrina’s album cover controversy. to me, it’s pretty evident that she is going to be exploring her own compliance in getting into relationships where she gets treated badly or well like a dog. while manchild is a tongue-in-cheek mocking song that is all about how she just keeps stumbling into bed with these loser men, woe is me, there is an obvious irony to lines like “won’t you let an innocent woman be?” “i swear they choose me, i’m not choosing them.” sabrina is hardly an innocent doe-eyed girl. she is very sharp and experienced in relationships, and no one is forcing her to date these men. the music video further emphasizes this point by showcasing her hitchhiking into increasingly more ridiculous automobiles with increasingly more ridiculous men who all let her down in various absurd and/or violent ways. and yet the closing shot of the video is her getting out of one car and immediately running over and jumping into the next, continuing the cycle. so while the song on the surface externalizes the blame for her mistreatment to basically everyone but her, the subtext is all about how sabrina is the one doing this to herself. when i see the album cover of her smiling at the camera on her knees while a man holds her hair like a leash, i see a deep and very uncomfortable self-awareness and acknowledgement happening here. it’s obviously going to be dressed up in the shiny pop music veneer and sabrina’s signature brand of dry humor, but this is a very sensitive topic that most upcoming pop girls wouldn’t touch with a ten feet pole because it is humiliating to admit that you’re complicit in your own mistreatment and degradation. that you aren’t just posing as a dog, but you actually let men treat you like one. manchild isn’t just the first single from the album but also the opening track, setting the stage for what the album will be exploring. and again while on the surface it looks like your usual my ex is a loser classic fare, in actuality it is all about how sabrina is deluding herself about her choice of partners. “manchild, why you always come running to me?” she asks, and i’m willing to bet that she is going to be answering that question in the album, eventually coming to the conclusion that these things aren’t as one-sided as she initially presented them to be. from what i’ve seen, sabrina is very smart and very deliberate when it comes to her branding. i highly doubt she chose such a sensational image just to “appeal to the male gaze.” yes the picture is meant to play into that trope, but hardly in a glorifying way.

[summerpearlpen]

[summerpearlpen]

[summerpearlpen]

I saw on your Instagram account you made a comment about having a partner!! Congratulations!! That makes me so happy for you. I feel a lot of hope with it too so if you feel comfortable I was wondering if you maybe you could share how you met and what they are like ?

Love your art so much ♥️

this is such an incredibly sweet message 🥲 i showed it to my partner as well and he thought it was so lovely haha. i don’t think i’ve actually updated anywhere publicly that i decided to try dating men again, but yeah i identify as bisexual or queer now. a lot has happened for me over the past year, i’ve changed a lot as a person in many ways. i never would have thought i’d date a man again, because i couldn’t see myself being happy long term because in my experience i’ve had a lot of difficultly connecting with men emotionally and feeling like my needs are never met in that regard.

i met my partner at the gym. he’s similar to me in that we both have similar interests and enjoy chatting about all sorts of things for hours, which i felt was always lacking with men who i’ve dated in the past. it was hard to have in depth, deep and emotionally intimate/vulnerable conversation, and i found i’d always have to resort to talking to my mum or female friends about a lot of stuff. but he meets all my needs and makes me so unbelievably happy. i think this is my first time experiencing real healthy love. it’s very special and i want him in my life forever.

other than having similar interests and core values, we are very different people in terms of our personalities. i’ve never dated someone who is so different to me before, but i think it’s been a huge factor in what makes us work so well. we balance each other out.

it’s definitely not how i pictured my dating life going, but it’s been one of the biggest blessings in my life and i wouldn’t want my life any other way.

i hope you can find someone just as special very soon ❤️ meeting new people and dating can be very draining. i struggled the most with being let down/disappointed time and time again, over and over, being straight out lied to/or given false hope, - then on top of all that i felt so lonely. i’m glad i didn’t give up and kept trying, it was all worth it ❤️ all the best and thank you again for your kind message! x

[summerpearlpen]

I am officially diagnosed 🧍

[summerpearlpen]

swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

[summerpearlpen]

Do join us in bidding our dear Ton a farewell as they conclude the production of the forthcoming season! Indeed, there is much to look forward to… (X)