summertimevibes

[summertimevibes]

What if Earth’s biomes are considered stupidly diverse by galactic standards?

You often see in science fiction planets having one biome with little to no temperature variation (forest worlds, snow worlds, desert worlds, ect.), so from their perspective Earth is a chaotic clusterfuck of wildly different worlds all stitched together into one planet. You can’t even go 100 miles on the planet without shifting between like 3 different biomes. The desert aliens could live in the Mojave Desert, but would freeze to death the moment they went north, and the ice planet aliens would feel right at home in Siberia, but anything below upper Europe and they die of heat exhaustion. The fact that humans can not only survive these extremes, but thrive in them blows their minds. We would be considered the galaxy’s expert survivalists, able to drop onto any planet with an atmosphere we can breath and dominate it like it was our cradle world. This would also terrify them to no end, because these durable, hyper-intelligent, apex pack predators could invade any one of their worlds if they wanted to. Everyone is super relieved that we pack bond with anything, and try their absolute hardest to elicit that instinct in us.

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Sweet silly baby and sweet silly uncle

Sweater town

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How would aliens react to humans having theme parks?

Like, would they think that it’s a temple of sorts, since we have so many Disney ones? And how would they react to rollercoasters?

Would they think that it’s some kind of torture? How would they react when they hear us say we pay to go on those, that we enjoy it?

Personally I hate rollercoasters so I’m wondering how an alien would look at it.

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Alien crewmate: Everyone thinks you guys are so cute, but they forget you're venomous. Humans are something else.

Human: Fun fact we aren't technically venomous, we just have so much bacteria in our mouths that most human bites get infected.

Alien crewmate, horrified: I preferred when I thought you were venomous.

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Extract from: The Human Guidebook:

Tip 87: Ensure that your humans are provided with every tool they require to do their respective jobs. It is also advisable to conduct an inventory at least every 30 rotations to make sure that no tools have been misplaced or destroyed. Lost or broken tools should be replaced as soon as possible.

~ Most intelligent species who see they do not have the correct tool for their task will postpone the task, or pass the task on to a being who does possess the necessary tools, humans (most of the time) do not. Humans have a saying, "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

Be very cautious of humans who do not possess the correct tools.

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Human: Dude I'm not so sure about this whole pack bonding thing you've been talking about humans don't even like each other

Alien: Well is it not true that your species collectively grieved over a non-sentient robot on the planet I believe you designate as "'Mars"?

Human: Okay look, that's different, Opportunity's last words just broke our hearts okay

Alien: But... it did not send a last message of words. It was merely the last data recorded by the non-sentient robot. The data showed scientists low power and also indicated the skies on the planet were dark to the point where no sunlight was visible at the time of the last data transfer, nothing more. x

Human: Exactly

Alien: So why does your species grieve over basic data?

Human: Well you just said it "My battery is low and its getting dark"

Alien: That is a poetic translation of basic data

Human: Are you trying to dishonor Opportunity's work?

Alien: N-no I jus- - -

Human: Opportunity was a good boy who did his best. End of story *huffs out and goes to grab some soda*

Alien: *watches human walk away without any farewell words* ?!?!? *jots down in notes* [ Humans can be very protective of their own even when challenged with basic facts, proceed with caution when discussing pack mates of any type, including all non-sentient pack mates. ]

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Imagine having a sleepover with an alien, whos species specifically only rest around those they've formed a very deep connection with. But they understand that humans are different, and they enjoy the sleepover traditions you introduce, like eating unhealthy food while gossiping about other crewmates and playing games like truth or dare. There's a certain comfortable intimacy they didn't expect, you two talking and laughing late into the night like it was what you always did. They're hardly even flustered when you stretch and yawn, letting your eyes close in a subconcious display of trust.

If you suggest building a pillow fort they almost decline. You're asking them to take your personal bedding and create a nest for the two of you to share, together? You want them to sit beside you, in a den you built as one away from the rest of the universe, that smells like you and you only?? But they can't just stand there and let you make one by yourself, and they know you don't mean anything else by the gesture. But that doesn't mean they aren't trying to subtly show off how good they are at making a nest, be prepared for the most plush and inviting pillow fort you've ever experienced.

And once you're both comfortable inside with a movie and snacks, they can't deny that they don't want to leave. Knowing that you trust them enough to share in this ease, knowing that you want to be this close, regardless of why, is enough to make them fall asleep beside you without any anxiety.

Don't be surprised if they suggest you do it again. Every night.

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Humans are weird: Best form of Revenge

Alien: What is the best way to get back at someone you despise?

Human: Why are you asking me?

Alien: Because humans are renowned for their ability to plan elaborate revenge schemes against those who have slighted them.

Human: On behalf of the human race I am offended by that.

Alien: I have witnessed you slowly drive your co-worker insane by moving everything in their office one inch to the left every day for 3 months.

Human: To be fair I only kept doing that because they refused to pay me back my $1.50 I loaned them for lunch.

Alien: *Stares at human with mocking eyebrows

Human: Fine, I see your point.

Human: Alright, here is what you do….

Alien: Wait, do you not wish to know why I want revenge?

Human: No.

Alien: Really?

Human: Yes.

Alien: Oh….okay.

Alien: So what should I do?

Human: Ignore them.

Alien: What?

Human: Ignore them, diminish them; make them feel beneath your notice.

Alien: That seems rather childish for an elaborate revenge plot.

Human: That is because I haven’t expanded it.

Human: If they come to you to gloat about something they did, anything, ask them who they are.

Human: When they explain who they are and how you should know them, still act like you have no idea who they are.

Human: If they continue to persist about how you should know them simply, and this is important, shrug and say “If you say so”, and then leave.

Alien: How is this revenge?

Human: Because in their eyes now they will think that they need to prove themselves somehow for you to notice them.

Human: Like a kid trying to win his drunken father’s affection.

Alien: That’s rather dark.

Human: So is revenge; keep up.

Human: Now they will continue to come back to you day after day trying to win your notice and you will continue to dismiss them or give them the bare minimum attention.

Human: If you want to get further under their skin start talking up someone else in their presence; someone who you would consider more of a rival then they are.

Alien: How would that work?

Human: Like this. *In mocking alien voice “Yes, yes, I’m sure you’ve done rather well for yourself; but not as much as Thomson on the 3rd floor. That bastard has been upselling me all week and I’m convinced he’s the one stealing my parking space.”

Alien: What good will that does to bring in someone else?

Human: By actually acknowledging someone who your target thinks is beneath them, they will further become enraged as you’ve just reinforced how little they appear on your radar.

Alien: And that works?

Human: Indeed.

Human: You need to treat your displeasure towards someone as gift to them, for you have deemed their existence worthy of acknowledgement.

Alien: Alright, I guess I could give it a shot. ------------------------------

*Two Months later

Human: So how’s the revenge going?

Alien: I’m not sure.

Human: What do you mean you’re not sure?

Alien: I mean they came up to me today and offered to have sex with me.

Human: Oh….in that case they must be very desperate for you to notice them.

Alien: What should I do?

Human: If you want to keep up with the revenge have sex with them, then afterwards don’t speak with them.

Human: If they come up to you and demand an explanation say that the sex was so bad you wanted to forget that moment by never speaking with them again.

Alien: ……………….

Alien: Who broke you to make you so devious?

Human: *Grins as they sip their drink

Human: I’m human; we were made broken.

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Alien: Human Avery I have noticed that you have repeatedly put off tasks today but never get back to them.

Human: I'm not sure if it's the exact reason but i have ADHD

A: I assume that is an acronym, what does it mean?

H: Attention Deficit Hyper-activity Disorder

A: so you are saying you are very easily distracted.

H: yup!

A: Well surely humanity has come up with ways to help deal with it yes?

H: there are various medicines and drugs that supposedly help but none of them really worked.

A: Well surely removing any potential distractions helps right?

H: … 

A: Right?

H: ………..

A: your silence does not instill hope.

H: you know how some people experience vivid hallucinations when they sleep right?

A: yes?

H: Well some people can do that when they are awake whenever they are bored or lack stimulation, such as whenever they don't have any distractions. 

A: Don't tell me. it's common in people with ADHD isn't it.

H: as far as I know that is spot on.

Edit: This post is doing numbers. Neat.

Edit 2: yo imagine if pm sees this. I know he recently went back to doing voice overs of the humans are space orks stuff

[summertimevibes]

so, i've fallen down the "humans are weird" rabbit hole, and i couldn't help but notice most of it is about how humans are just really durable, adorable, friendly, how we'd pack bond with anything, about how we have such a hive-mind and empathy and determination to survive when things get rough, how we could survive things most other aliens would die from, how we could eat stuff that would poison other aliens, how we inject ink into our skin and pierce it with pieces of metal and drink toxic substances for the sake of entertainment..

it's always human defences and endurance

but i never see people talking about human **aggression**

like, imagine a spaceship happens to have several humans on it even if most residents are alien species, and two of the humans get in a fight.

and i'm not just talking physical, i'm sayin' all kinds of fights.

imagine if two humans got in a serious screaming match and genuinely hurt a few of the alien species sensitive to loud sounds as they watch, flabbergasted at how the two are literally yelling in each-other's faces without breaking a sweat or getting tired from it, while one of the sound-sensitive aliens literally passed out because it was SO loud

or imagine them simply being in shock after interacting with humans for a long time and having this image in their head of humans being so friendly and able to get along with anything and anyone, including stabby, or any predatory, aggressive species we just so happen to find cute. that image getting completely shattered seeing two of the humans they're friends with showing clear anger and aggression in a display they could only describe as "terrifying" in the most visceral sense of the word

or two humans getting in an actual physical fight, and here's where the *several* humans on ship part comes into play,

so the two are duking it out in a violent display of pure hatred while other humans, amused and thoroughly entertained by the violence that would already have put any of the less durable aliens out of commission gather around the fighting pair and start ominously chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT"

prior, the aliens hadn't dared intervene or get any closer because either way they recognized it as a danger

meanwhile some humans JOIN IN for absolutely no reason and it becomes a full on riot

and the aliens just stare like ?????

confused at why they'd find it so endearing, at why they'd literally join for no reason at all, horrified by even just a punch to the gut because to some of the more vulnerable aliens that's their equivalent of literally getting an organ ripped out of them and somehow STILL fighting and then ripping out an organ out of the opponent themselves

and most of all, if humans are capable of befriending aggressive, large predatory beings and getting along with practically everything,

what from the fresh pits of hell triggered two *humans* to fight *each other* of all creatures?

(that is, assuming aliens don't have much knowledge of our history, wars, politics, etc of course.)

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Humans are weird

Have yall noticed how we somehow have strange aversions towards lights?? Like maybe not all of us, but we kind of know that if someone is sitting in the dark, you either leave them or join them. Like last night, I walked into class and there was just one guy there and the lights were off so i just sat down, 30 minutes later everyone else was in and the lights were still off. Only turned it on when the professor came in...

So like imagine aliens finding us huddled in a dark room, with our phones and what-nots, silently laughing at something we read, maybe there are other aliens with us who doesn’t really like light but we don't know that cus it's dark and also we didn't bother to check. Then one crewmate just turns on the lights and we all collectively hiss like a vampire or hide like bugs, so they just turn it back off and stumble blindly into the room until they find—feel through whatever they came for and leaves. No one ever mentions it.

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Alien: Why do you do that? What does it mean?

Human: Do what?

Alien: The verbal sound. "Um" and "Uh"

Human: Oh! Well, sometimes when I'm trying speak, I need to a moment to process. It's a pause while I think.

Alien: Why don't you just say nothing when you pause?

Human: Oh! Um...

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I don't know if anyone said this before, but, I think the one thing that would put the fear of an alien god into an alien would be just how territorial humans are.

Humans generally have small territories tightly packed against others, sometimes even on top of each other. They are social creatures, after all, and seem to enjoy inviting each other to their territories that might even contain other species!

So, you would think they would welcome other visitors, right?

Wrong. Humans are wildly territorial to the point even something as harmless as a fruit fly is murdered on sight. Then, surely they must allow other predators that repel such creatures, right? Wrong again, even 'useful' ones likes spiders are shown no mercy.

Alien: I apologize but I'm struggling to grasp this concept. You said you killed that arachnid as there was a possibility it could come in contact with your sleeping quarters. Doesn't your feline companion frequent there? I'm sure it couldn't do more damage than an apex predator?

Human: Uhh, okay let me rephrase that; it isn't about coming in contact with my stuff. It's about me allowing it. Mr. Pickle Jar is allowed to be here and touch my things, that spider isn't. So, it needs to die.

Alien, writing DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE in big bold letters in the notepad: Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing.

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Humans cracking their knuckles as an intimidation tactic against aliens

Can you imagine being an alien and this thing just broke its bones at you?????

I'd be scared tbh

Why did it make that noise

That's a bone breaking noise

It's like those ppl who bite off their acrylics before a fight

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a little bit of pretentiousness isn't the worst thing

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Hope anyone who sees this has the best day and feels amazing <3