sunflowers-and-vials

[sunflowers-and-vials]

I think, one of the majorly frustrating experiences of all of this is when it feels as though I don't belong to this life at all, in any capacity

When I cannot fathom the motivations behind *any* of my previous actions, and I just try and, keep the ball rolling to keep up the tendency? Like I'm trying to construct a self-hood out of what I do, instead of doing things on the basis of what my "self" is Like how am I supposed to know what I even am? Or who I am? How am I supposed to follow a goal or want to go in a direction when I barely understand the idea that I like something? When it feels like I owe a couple people many favours and that I can't get around to them all. And it's like, a dream.

You know how in a dream there's little rhyme or reason to what you do, and sometimes you even feel vaguely aware that you're in a dream, but you can't do anything about it?

That's me

And I know for s fact I'm supposed to be in this brain with "others" but it just feels Confusing

[sunflowers-and-vials]

y'all not to doxx myself too hard but irl i have spent some time in my life in mental health recovery, and i am here to tell anyone who needs to hear it that people with multiples & schizophrenia & psychosis & BPD are fun and interesting and lovable people and my friends

[sunflowers-and-vials]

cat illustrations portraying a day in the mossy autumn forest

commission of lovely @/kiki_siber on ig <3

! do not reupload/repost my art anywhere !

[sunflowers-and-vials]

I cant believe it took them months upon months to give me an autism diagnosis, but now they see me for two sessions and give me a complex highly stigmatized psychotic disorder because i technically fullfill *checks notes

1 (one) OF THE SYMPTOMS???

[sunflowers-and-vials]

Make your system a Star Trek self insert

Star Treks got a fictional world where its very realistic for Systems to just be accepted as they are

[sunflowers-and-vials]

i don't think i'll ever forgive my psychiatrist for asking me leading questions and not asking for clarifications about my memory issues/ time loss

I don't think i'll ever forgive her for handing me that schizophrenia diagnosis on no other basis than that i "hear voices"

and whenever i try and argue now for my experience im called dillusional. I can't fathom how this is allowed

[sunflowers-and-vials]

Once in a while i get this. Push in my chest, and a deep sorrowfull feeling and i think/know there's some sorrow in feeling like i'm not allowed to express or experience what it is i'm experiencing. Like i have to hide that im many, like i have to hide that we want different things, that we're not in harmony yet.

Does Jon want things that seem to be directly against what we'd be able to healthily live with? Yes. I don't want him punished for that, he's allowed his sorrow. Let him have his sorrow.

[sunflowers-and-vials]

Hi Prideknights!

You're based in Europe, right? Could you help out signal-boosting this European citizens initiative to ban conversion therapy in the EU?

https://eci.ec.europa.eu/043/public/#/screen/home

I don't think I have to explain the horrors of conversion therapy to you, so let me explain how this initiative works.

For it to get taken seriously by the EU, we need two things:

7 countries need to reach the minimum threshold of signatures for their country. We're currently at 6 out of 7! Slovenia only needs 300 more signatures to become country number 7!

We need a total of 1 million signatures. This might look daunting, but there days ago we were still at 200.000. Yesterday we were at 450.00. We are at 535.000 right now. So we have a long way to go, but we are moving fast!

The deadline is in a few days, on May 17.

Anybody with a European citizenship can add their name to the pile! If we reach the right amount, the official citizen initiative will be put before the EU Commission.

With lgbtq+ rights getting rolled back across the world, including Europe, there is no time to lose to demand stronger protections.

MAY 14, 2025 (VERY RELEVANT) SPREAD. THIS. LIKE. WILDFIRE!!!

[sunflowers-and-vials]

i hate feeling fracture, I hate looking at things I've worked on hard for months and not understand why I even did it, why I even aspire to go to a school that I'm skilled enough to probably get into, there's a good chance I'll get accepted and I hate the idea, despite the fact I've been working on this for years

I don't want my dreams to come true, because it feels like I'm living someone else's dreams.

But the someone else is just... the guy who's here the most. I have to settle for the few hours I get to write and edit text. I could be an amazing researcher, or doctor, or vet.

And ill be an artist. Because id be an amazing one of those too.

And the person who dreams of creating, lives more than i do

[sunflowers-and-vials]

THERES A DOG IN OUR HEADSPACE

[sunflowers-and-vials]

its very typical that i hear nothing from anyone in this head for a week, and then I go to get a blood test and now I'm hungry and tired and it's 3 hours later, bleh

[sunflowers-and-vials]

Its been relatively quiet in my head recently. This usually makes me doubt myself a lot, have i just been faking it this whole time? But rn, I'm just taking it as a quiet moment to be alone. Jon's seperate and mysterious note book looms over me. The amount my roommate's remind me of things I've said and done I have no recollection of is, not reaching critical mass but, increasing... rapidly....

Its hard to doubt it now, that my psychiatrist have given me a diagnosis. Even if I think it's a wrong one.

[sunflowers-and-vials]

We've just gotten a Schizophrenia Diagnosis, and we're.... unsure if it's entirely correct?

My country used the ICD-10, and it does seem to be s little less strict than the ICD-11 and DSM-5 from what I can tell?

But it still feels like the only argument my psych had was that I "hear voices", tho they're more like inner monologue in a different tone from my own that I can fully converse with. And I experience a lot of the same things that I see DID systems talk about (memory loss, experiencing yourself from the third person, seeing someone else live your life, so on)

It sucks, we talked s lot about symptoms that I understood to be dissociative, and she's just, fully denying that I'm experiencing dissociation.

Any other diagnosed schizophrenics who feel like they're multiple people, who experience memory loss, and where people around you can tell who is fronting at any given time from something as simple as facial expressions and how we hold the body?

Or does it make sense to worry about misdiagnosis?

[sunflowers-and-vials]

lol, I should not be this surprised that the danish psychiatric system is incompetent as all hell

[sunflowers-and-vials]

At this point I just don't know what to do

I want to run away and refuse any treatment handed to me

I want to die? I also know I don't, but I do kind of want to die

I at least don't want to wake up tomorrow

[sunflowers-and-vials]

see, because of how systems are expected to still act like a singular person, we're very used to alters not really being percieved or cared about on an individual level? and i mean, whatever. but now, because of that, any attempt to interact with a specific alter will make us love you forever. so be warned

[sunflowers-and-vials]

I think the worst part is that I have no clue what someone said with my mouth those evenings, just what I interpreted to be the general meaning, and I also don't remember to whom. "You told everyone I know at that party" IM SORRY I ONLY REMEMBER TELLING YOU, AND THE SKATER BOY, AND MY FUCKBUDDY

I have no clue how many people in my life might hate me behind my back because they think I'm faking a disorder that I'm scared I have that is kind of ruining parts of my life

God.