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[sunraybby]

In honour of my unborn child.

My dearest Ethel, Our creation, The purest of souls,

There are some things I want to get off my chest.

When I find out that I was pregnant with you on the 23rd of July, I brushed it off as insignificant. As if this wasn't major. I refused to find a deeper meaning out of the fear that I would become to attached to you, or that the thought of becoming a mother suddenly would start to make sense.

You see, for most of my life, I resisted the idea of becoming a mother. I would harshly express this opinion in the past, making sure everyone knew that I had no interest in being a parent in the future. Some years ago, that changed. I realized that my deep resistance was actually a deeply rooted ancestral fear, carried throughout our lineage. I knew that I was, in some way, destined to become a mother.

So, when I found out about you, the mere thought of me potentially mothering a child exposed a deep distrust in my capabilities. So I pushed it away, and I pushed you away.

My body was changing rapidly during our time together, and I had a very hard time accepting that. I didn't want people to notice, as if I was ashamed of us, and my mindset towards the whole situation only made things more unbearable for me. There was a disconnect between my body and mind, and I couldn't keep up with the emotional and physical changes. I didn't feel anything like myself.

In all honesty, I never took the time to sit with you. All I did was reject you. I want to apologize for carrying you as if I was carrying a burden. I want to apologize for neglecting the connection we could've had while you were still physically present inside of me. I want to apologize for not taking the time once to let your message be heard.

Now, you are not physically with me anymore. And I can't help but to express regret. I regret how I handled something so magical in such a neglectful way. I regret not being more appreciative of what my body is actually capable of. I regret being so careless.

After my abortion, I looked myself in the mirror, and it dawned on me. What did this mean to me? What was the essence of the soul that I had carried in my womb? What was the significance?

That's why we decided to name you. I couldn't just let you go as if you meant nothing to me. That would not have been right. Ethel is Hebrew for graceful and righteous. Linked with the number 5, it represents magnetism, energy, expansion and vision.

Naming you was the first step in honouring you as our creation. What you did was open up a portal to gaze in. I saw myself, truly. I saw my imperfections. I saw the flaws and fears I was not ready to come to terms with.

You showed me that I am afraid to transmute from girl to woman. You showed me that I am afraid to grow up. You showed me the side of the fire that I chose not to see.

Now, the insignificance turned into importance, and the neglect turned into love. And now, I have allowed myself to embrace, cherish and in some way, grief you.

I thank you, dearest soul and I hope you are on your way. May we meet again someday.

[sunraybby]

Between leaping and falling - part III

By setting up this unattainable example for myself, I simultanuously set up an unrealistic expectation of life itself. It made me shy away from reality, unable to accept the duality of it. It was black or white, good or bad, nothing in between.

My decisions and actions, or rather lack of, were based on this notion, making me not pursuing things out of the fear I would not get the desired result. And I set my life on hold in many ways. I haven't started building a career, I haven't figured out what my body wants and needs, I have neglected my sexuality and sensuality, my identity as a woman, I have not created financial stability, I have not explored the world.

And with this knowing, there comes compassion. I feel for the version of myself that thought she was not good enough how she was. I feel for she who thought she had to maintain keeping up appearances. I feel for girl afraid to transform into a woman.

It starts here. I have walked a long path to find my way home to love, and I have shed blood, tears and sweat to be here. My life is not perfect. It will never be. And now I look back at every mistake and see that they were necessary. Because if it wasn't for all of my life choices, I wouldn't be able to see life for what it truly is.

I am not perfect. And I am not broken because I am not 100% fully in acceptance of who I am today. I am human, and the most beautiful thing about that is the ability to adapt, to transform, to grow. In order for me to reach a new kind of fulfillment in my life, I need to pursue getting to know myself deeper. I'm not there yet. And that's okay.

The "problems' that were casting a shadow onto me, now have dissipated. I am no longer fighting to be loved or desperately wanting somebody in my life. I surrendered my weapons months ago and ended the war for love. And then it came. Naturally, spontanuously, I found someone who I truly see myself building a life with. There is no doubt whatsoever - just peace.

It makes me realize that you just can't force it. Just do you. The rest will come. By creating an intimate relationship with yourself, you step into your authenticity. Only then a portal is opened to things like success, ambition, abundance, adventure, and more elaborate life paths. Only when you embrace yourself, will life embrace you. If you are hard on yourself, life will be hard on you.

I asked to find meaning in my pregnancy. And I found it. It had nothing to do with the question if I wanted a family, or if I was ready to mother a child. It had everything to do with the reminder that the spotlight had not been pointed at myself. It showed me that, in many ways, my relationship with myself is still not what it should be, but it also showed me that it has improved tremendously.

Being shook up like that, gives you the opportunity for a clean slate. It has made me very reflective again, intuitive. It has made me question what I actually want, what I love and like, what I desire.

And writing is one of those things. It truly is my passion. So, this is the first step. One of my biggest childhood dreams is to write books. When times get hard or chaotic, it's the first thing that I drop. I push aside the only way I know how to express myself, how to process. I disregard my medium, my voice. The amount of times that I have promised myself to write consistently is ridiculous. So I'm not going to do that this time.

I'm not going to promise myself to do anything, solely advising myself to follow my heart. Because everytime you make a false promise, you disrespect yourself. Eventually you can't take yourself seriously or hold value to your own words. That's destructive.

But what I am going to do, is commit to myself. Get to know what it means to be me deeply. I know now what loves means to me. But what about the other fields of life? What inspires me? What drives me? What gives me energy? What gives me butterflies? What makes me calm? What makes me feel safe? What does my body tell me? What scares me still? When do I feel alive?

It's important to reflect on this regularly, as the answers are fluid and ever changing in a person's life. And I feel like the first quarter of my life ended, and with it, a chapter closed. I used to say that a lot; "a new chapter," "the end of an era," ... at the end of a relationship or moving houses, but we are talking about 25 years here. It has been a crucial period for my development, and I'm sinking into the shoes of a woman now.

So let's begin.

[sunraybby]

Between leaping and falling - part II

With this new sense of relief and this space that has opened up to see more clearly, become aware more faster, and just generally be more honest with myself, I had a big face-off with a part of myself that I had not yet dared to face, or wanted to see.

Everything changed when I got pregnant. It was the ultimate ephipany, focal point of my suppressed irresponsibility. I was reckless. I was impulsive. I did not regard any of the consequences. And when I found out I was pregnant, I still took it lightly. Like it wasn't a big deal. Like I could just go get that morning after pill and treat it like a small hick-up that would be fixed easily.

But I was wrong, and in total I had to go through 6 weeks of a very intense pregnancy and ultimately, an abortion that shook up my body even more. Going through the hormonal changes, my body and mind were not connected anymore.

And even then, I didn't care to take care of it. I found it hard to rest, to eat or sleep well, to keep track of my bills and other responsibilities, to go to work consistently and to be a good partner. Of course, you have to cut a pregnant lady some slack, but the way I went about the whole situation was just careless.

After the abortion, I realized that I had done nothing with it, and I felt this inmense guilt because of that. During the pregnancy, I did not take one moment to sit with my body and myself, open a conversation on why this happened and what it means to me. I just wanted it gone and I wanted to face it as little as possible.

I crashed after the abortion. All of the neglected responsibilities came my way and I hadn't felt this type of anxiety and stress before. Combined with the guilt I felt for not doing something with this pregnancy energetically, not knowing what the significance of it was, I broke down.

And then, I saw it.

Sometimes, this is me. Irresponsible. Impulsive. Reckless. Desperately trying not to be perceived that way. I got faced with the fact that I would easily put my body through so much, just for my own selfish pleasure. I got faced with the fact that I didn't care as much as I claimed about keeping track of my finances, performing well at my job, and most of all, I didn't care as much as I claimed for myself.

I saw my fears, and as I unravelled them, the core presented itself: I am scared to grow up. I am scared to get my driver license, I am scared to stop smoking and face the repressed emotions behind that addiction, I am scared to quit my job and find something challenging, I am scared to start working independently. I am scared to fail.

Distrust faced me, and while at first it was just surrounding me and my capacity of being a mother to a child, it spiralled into a deeper distrust towards myself in general.

Do I actually know what I'm doing? Do I actually truly believe that I can achieve the things I dream of? Am I pretending to be something I'm not? Am I putting so much pressure on myself and thus, preventing myself to accomplish anything realistically?

I am a overpromiser, an over-committer. I overestimate my discipline, and keep ending up in situations where I'm faced with that reality. It's a cycle that continues to result in me putting myself down, by not knowing my limits and being mindful of my flaws. I rather not look at the flaws, as they make me worry and heighten my performance anxiety.

My drive has always been "I must," and not, "I want." Because in some kind of twisted way, I had something to proof to myself. Yet, the thing that I wanted to proof was impossible to begin with. I wanted to proof that I had no flaws. That I could get everything right. That I didn't make the wrong decisions. That I knew what I wanted in life.

Time after time, life send things my way that made me see a huge imperfection. And back then, I found that devasting. Ugly. Wrong. It was my responsibility to never let that happen again. Because I thought that mistakes were wrong, and that they made me a failure.

[sunraybby]

Between leaping and falling - part I

There are these points in my life where the continuous changes are sweeping the ground from under my feet. It feels like I am leaping and falling, filling me with excitement and fear at the same time. Everything is transforming, all the time. And even though I want things to change, to evolve, I have a hard time with keeping my balance and staying grounded.

It's like the Universe doesn't plan on throwing just one curve ball at a time my way. Every single time some major change shows its face, it brings forth many, many more.

It makes me realize how quickly I am willing to throw things out of the window that I deemed to be important once, now treating them as insignificant. Like my health, eating and sleeping habits, schedule and structure, hobbies and passions, social life and responsibilities.

It induces stress inside of me, and self-criticism, a voice inside my head telling me that I am not as put-together as I might seem. People's first impression of me is usually one of someone who is organized, responsible, grown-up. The truth is, I can't keep that up. After some months I always fall into that inevitable pit of chaos, and every time I have to build a new ladder to get out.

Lately, circumstances have confronted me with this aspect of myself that I have repressed or avoided to come to terms with. I love to claim that I have the capacity to create structure out of chaos, even helping others cleaning up their mess. But, I have come to the realization that I have a big tendency to be irresponsible, and I know that I judge myself subconsciously because of that.

The way I have started noticing was subtle at first. I had to check myself a few months ago on being to harsh to my new partner, wanting him to "get his shit together" and "make something out of his life," telling him to "break old comfort zones and patterns," and ultimately giving him the feeling that he was not good enough for me, that he had to change his ways to be a suitable partner for me.

Relatively quickly, I put two and two together, seeing that the harsh and direct criticism I gave him, was ironically a projected insecurity about myself. I never looked myself in the mirror, telling myself that I was irresponsible, or to break out of the very obvious comfort zones that I am still in to this day.

Yet, one comfort zone I have been growing out of, my old ways of having a relationship, my interpretation of terms like love, partnership and romance, has been a gateway to seeing things in a much more clearer light.

I have learned to love differently, to accept my partner and his flaws, not wanting to control the narrative or cling onto toxic situations or having attachment issues and insecurities. The relationship I am in today is so peaceful, but eye-opening at the same time, that I have found space to truly transform together with my partner.

Now, I have always had the impression that the type of guys I attracted were Peter Pan's and I was their (more responsible) Tinkerbell, making it more easier to accept adult responsibility and kind of taking up a motherly, nurturing role, taking things out of their hands to let them enjoy that eternal child spirit.

As above so below, now I can see that I, myself, am a very sneaky Peter Pan, pretending to be okay with adulting and the lifestyle that it brings, yet, subconsciously having a huge amount of resistance to actually behaving like an adult.

It's a mechanism based on fear. The fear of behaving like a responsible woman, protecting and nourishing her body and well-being while going after her dreams and ambitions.

The reason why I have this fear obviously dates back to childhood, but more so, it really rooted in my teenage years to early twenties. In that period, I really started to embody a huge irresponsibility towards myself and my life choices, as my household system did not provide me with a healthy sense of self-worth, rather, a huge amount of doubt surrounding my importance in my parents' life, in this world even, and thus, it made me shout and act out desperately to find some sort of confirmation.

For a couple of years, I was a reckless girl, getting herself into iffy situations, not thinking about the consequences, and consiquently, completely destroying anything that was left of my self-esteem and respect. I got myself into debt, ruined my college studies, abused multiple substances, got addicted to smoking, didn't regard my bodily needs, had constant licentious sexual encounters, and neglected my family bonds. Escaping from my reality (and responsibility) was much more important to me than keeping a job, or maintaining a stable income, or just having a structured lifestyle that I could build on.

As a reaction to those "wild' years," I retaliated against myself, and I became fearful of risk, fearful of the unknown, fearful of the future, completely consumed by the past and wanting to control my life, obsessively wanting nothing to change ever again.

This made me cling onto very damaging and destructive relationships and friendships, stagnant toxic family bonds, being stuck in a studio appartment for 6 years because I was too afraid to move, and working a job that drained the life force right out of me.

And there comes life with the slaps in your face. You can't control your narrative. In trying to do so, you resist life itself. In resisting life, you will indirectly create collisions, blow-ups and breakdowns in order for yourself to see that you have no way to "keep things as they were."

The thing is, back then, I was not able to see that the circumstances that I was so desperately trying to preserve, were really not serving me. I have lived 25 years of my life in almost solely toxic environments, thinking that they were good for me. With people that, in retrospect, were more lessons than life paths, yet thinking they were "meant to be," "soulmates," or "friends for life."

It's just delusion to be honest, and that is not something anyone should blame themselves for. You are simply not able to spot the difference if you haven't yet come to a point where the illusion is smashed and shattered.

I was so consumed with finding external love because of this never ending internal lack from it, that I couldn't see al the other aspects that I was neglecting in this human experience. I have been hyper focused on relationships for all my life, craving a life-partner, whilst not being aware of the fact that, in those years, I was clearly not ready to be one myself.

The frustrations and pains that arose because of that, were sometimes just too much to handle. I found myself with my hands in my hair, bashing my head against to wall, wondering what I was doing wrong.

And now, because of my attention being redirected, and the spotlight taken away from romantic relationships and onto me, now I am able to focus on the fears that have been there for ages, but had been overshadowed by the fear of not being loved, and the deep need of external attention and confirmation.

Now that I am in a normal, healthy, loving relationship, with two people sharing the same amount of respect, self-love, need for space and open communication - now, I don't have my head turned or focused there and it's all on me and my life choices.