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[table-the-princess]

Part 8

[Fight back]

The Narrator: You do your best to ignore the excruciating pain in your face, and drive a fist into the Princess's stomach.

The Narrator: You see a flicker of surprise on her face, but other than that she doesn't seem to react. Then, she punches you again.

The Narrator: You continue to fight, but no matter what you do the Princess barely responds. It feels like attacking a wall. You dodge some of her blows, but every time you're hit you can feel your flesh tear and bones shatter.

Voice of the Hero: I'm not sure how much longer we can keep doing this.

The Narrator: Unfortunately, he has a point. Even if you manage to slay her, you probably won't make it out of here alive.

The Narrator: You see the Princess's fist fly towards your head, and you can't dodge in time. Everything goes dark, and you die.

Chapter II The Treasurer

The Narrator: You're on a path in the woods. And at the end of that path is a cabin. And in the basement of that cabin is a Princess.

The Narrator: You're here to slay her. If you don't, it will be the end of the world.

Choices:

A: (Explore) I'm getting a terrible sense of deja vu.

B: (Explore) Wait... hasn't this happened already?

C: (Explore) Okay, no.

D: (Explore) But I died! What am I doing here?

E: (Explore) She's going to kill me again!

F: [Proceed to the cabin]

[table-the-princess]

Progress update: The next part has been written, but the choices and poll haven't been yet, and it probably still needs some editing. I just wanted to let everyone know that things were still happening, even if it's at a rate of around 2 lines a day.

Sorry for the lack of posts everyone. We have been dealing with some mental health issues over the last few days, but the next post is being written (although quite slowly)

[table-the-princess]

Sorry for the lack of posts everyone. We have been dealing with some mental health issues over the last few days, but the next post is being written (although quite slowly)

[table-the-princess]

Part 7

"I'm really sorry. I didn't realize that trying to get you to buy the table was upsetting you. I'll make sure to avoid selling you any tables in the future."

You fail to understand the reasons for my anger, and the apology does not seem genuine. I regret to inform you that this apology falls below my standards.

Voice of the Hero: Does she want us to try again?

I gave you a chance, but you have turned it into yet another way to mock me. Did you really think I wouldn't figure out your deception? You are no merchant.

The Narrator: The Princess charges at you, the chain trailing behind her. It's long enough to allow her to reach anywhere in the basement without being restrained. Before you have a chance to respond, she punches you in the face. Hard. You feel bones shatter.

The Narrator: You should have listened to me earlier. But it's not over yet. You can still fight back.

Choices:

A: [Fight back]

B: [Run]

C: [Give up]

[table-the-princess]

Part 6:

"That's okay. I hope my suggestion didn't upset you."

I must admit, your attempts to sell the table are getting somewhat irritating. Still, I do appreciate the apology.

Voice of the Hero: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's angry at us.

Upon reflection, that wasn't much of an apology. I'm sure you can come up with a better one.

The Narrator: Her facade is slipping. You know what you need to do.

The Narrator: Or at least, I hope you know what you need to do. I've said it enough times by now, but it really feels like you're just ignoring me. If it somehow isn't clear, you need to retrieve the blade from upstairs and slay her.

Voice of the Hero: You aren't going to do what He says, right? If I was in her position, I'm sure I'd be a bit annoyed too. But she's been reasonable so far. We can just apologize, and stop with the table thing.

Choices:

A: "I'm really sorry. I didn't realize that trying to get you to buy the table was upsetting you. I'll make sure to avoid selling you any tables in the future."

B: "I'm sorry. Also I'm not actually a table merchant, I was just pretending to be one because it was funny. I found this table upstairs."

C: [Go back upstairs and retrieve the blade]

D: [Pick up the table and charge at her]

[table-the-princess]

We might have messed up a bit with the options in the last post (basically the way choice B is written seems like it either forces us to make the result similar to choice A, or make it completely different to the rest of what was planned for chapter I, instead of what was originally intended for it). Continue voting as normal, but just be aware that if we can't figure out a way to fix it the post might need to be rewritten and everything voted on again. We'll probably figure out a solution, but I just wanted to give everyone a bit of advance warning just in case.

[table-the-princess]

Part 5:

"I have an idea. Would you be willing to trade your crown for the table?"

The Narrator: The Princess ponders the question for a moment.

No. I'm sorry, but it's not for sale.

Voice of the Hero: She sounds less cheerful than before. I think maybe you went a bit too far.

The Narrator: How many times do I need to remind you that she is going to end the entire world unless you stop her? Please just go upstairs, get the blade, and slay her. And don't worry about hurting her feelings, I promise you that it's all an act.

Choices:

A: "Are you sure? I understand that it has some sentimental value, so what about this: you give me the crown, and not only will I give you this table, but you can choose any two of my other tables, and have them for free! It's three for the price of one, you can't say no to that!"

B: "That's okay. I hope my suggestion didn't upset you."

[table-the-princess]

Part 4

(Explore) Hey Narrator, how much would you say that crown she's wearing is worth?

The Narrator: What? Well, I suppose it must be somewhat valuable, but I strongly advise you to just slay the Princess. The monetary value of the Princess's possessions are entirely irrelevant.

Voice of the Hero: I don't think you should slay her, obviously, but I'm not sure I like the direction this is going. Are you planning to rob her? Murdering someone like He wants us to is wrong, but stealing from someone imprisoned in a basement isn't great either.

Voice of the Hero: Just... I want to trust you, but please, help me understand what your plan is.

The Narrator: The plan is to slay the Princess. Or at least, that's what the plan should be, because it's the only thing you can do that doesn't end up with everyone dead.

The Narrator: Go upstairs, retrieve the blade, come back down here and slay her. I get that you're trying to lull her into a false sense of security, so maybe make up some excuse. Maybe say you left a second table upstairs. That could work.

Voice of the Hero: Or, instead of doing any of that, we could free her.

The Narrator: Sure, if you want the entire world to end. Please don't listen to him.

Hey, are you ok? You were just staring off into space for a while.

Is that kind of thing normal for you? How often does it happen? Were you doing it intentionally, or does it happen against your will? Were you able to think during it?

Oh, that was kind of rude, sorry! You don't have to answer any of that if you don't want to. We only just met. Still, I'd appreciate it if you tell me!

The Narrator: Don't tell her anything.

Choices:

A: (Explore) "You're a Princess, right? Maybe you could give me some land, or some coins from the kingdom's treasury instead of borrowing them from someone?"

B: "I have an idea. Would you be willing to trade your crown for the table?"

C: "I'm sorry, I lied about being a merchant. I found this table upstairs. But it was pretty funny, right?"

D: "Sorry, you seem nice and all, but I'm not willing to free you from this basement. Not without something in return. Getting you out of those chains isn't going to be easy, and tables can be expensive."

E: "Sure! It would be pretty rude of me to try and sell you a table while you're stuck down here. But you have to promise me that you'll actually think about buying the table. I'm a bit worried you're just saying that to get me to free you."

F: "If you can't pay with money then you'll pay with your life!" [Pick up the table and charge at her]

[table-the-princess]

Part 3

(lie) "It's a pretty good job! You get to see all kinds of places, talk to all kinds of people, and sell all kinds of table. I've been in the table business for as long as I can remember, wouldn't give it up for anything. I actually have one of my finest tables right here, if you're interested."

Well, I guess a table might be nice. There's no furniture in this basement, and I'd love to have something new to look at!

Oh, right. As I said earlier, I don't have any money or anything. Maybe you could help me get free, and then we can work out the details? I'm sure someone out there would be willing to let me borrow some cash.

The Narrator: I hope I don't need to tell you how horrible that idea is. There isn't going to be anyone to borrow money from if the world ends.

Choices:

A: (Explore) Hey Narrator, how much would you say that crown she's wearing is worth?

B: (Explore) "You're a Princess, right? Maybe you could give me some land, or some coins from the kingdom's treasury instead of borrowing them from someone?"

C: "I'm sorry, I lied about being a merchant. I found this table upstairs. But it was pretty funny, right?"

D: "Sorry, you seem nice and all, but I'm not willing to free you from this basement. Not without something in return. Getting you out of those chains isn't going to be easy, and tables can be expensive."

E: "Sure! It would be pretty rude of me to try and sell you a table while you're stuck down here. But you have to promise me that you'll actually think about buying the table. I'm a bit worried you're just saying that to get me to free you."

F: "If you can't pay with money then you'll pay with your life!" [Pick up the table and charge at her]

[table-the-princess]

Part 2

(lie) "My name is Sir Tablemerchant, the finest table merchant in the entire world! I've been looking for new customers, and this seemed as decent a place as any."

That... doesn't sound like a real name, but I can call you that if you want. Welcome to my humble abode! I don't think I can afford a table, but you're welcome to stay as long as you'd like.

The Narrator: I see, you're trying to get her to lower her guard. I'm not confident she'll believe it for long, but I suppose it's worth a shot.

The Narrator: You continue down the staircase, but it starts to feel as if the table is actively resisting your efforts. By the time you reach the final step it becomes almost impossible to hold onto the table for more than a second as it slips and squirms out of your grasp.

Voice of the Hero: Hang on, I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be this hard to bring a table down some stairs. What's going on?

The Narrator: Yes, you're correct. Something is clearly wrong with either the table, or your table transporting skills, and I believe it's the former.

Voice of the Hero: You're avoiding the actual question.

The Narrator: I'm not avoiding anything. I have no idea why this is happening. You were never meant to bring the table down here in the first place, and I never even considered the possibility.

The Narrator: You reach the bottom of the staircase panting for breath. As you pull the table off the final step, you feel a sudden surge of resistance, and then it's over. The table feels normal again, and while it's still heavy, it seems lighter than it's ever been before.

Voice of the Hero: I don't like this. If even He doesn't know what's happening, we should be careful. Also, maybe stop with the merchant thing, yeah?

The Narrator: You take a moment to recover, and then lock eyes with the Princess. There's a heavy chain around her wrist, binding her to the far wall of the basement. She sits against the wall with most of the chain hidden behind her, preventing you from knowing how much room she has to move.

I'd come over and shake your hand or something, but I'm chained to this wall. But make yourself at home! Sit down wherever you want, I don't mind. I haven't talked to anyone else in ages. You said you were a table merchant right? What's that like?

Voice of the Hero: She's so beautiful, and kind too. Is she really a threat to the world?

The Narrator: Focus on the task at hand. She's clearly hiding things. Don't trust her, and don't tell her anything.

Choices:

A: "I lied, sorry. I'm not actually a table merchant."

B: (lie) "It's a pretty good job! You get to see all kinds of places, talk to all kinds of people, and sell all kinds of table. I've been in the table business for as long as I can remember, wouldn't give it up for anything. I actually have one of my finest tables right here, if you're interested."

C: [Stay far away from her]

D: [Pick up the table and charge at her]

[table-the-princess]

Part 1

I dunno, it seems pretty funny though.

The Narrator: Funny? I can't tell if you actually don't understand the threat the Princess poses to the world, or if you're just trying to irritate me.

Voice of the Hero: This really isn't the time for jokes.

The Narrator: Sigh. I hope you start taking this seriously once you get down there.

[Enter the basement]

The Narrator: The door to the basement creaks open, revealing a staircase faintly illuminated by an unseen light in the room below. This is an oppressive place. The air feels heavy and damp, a hint of rot filtering from the ancient wood. If the Princess really lives here, slaying her is probably doing her a favor.

The Narrator: Bringing the table with you is difficult. You end up having to walk backwards, and the table scrapes and bangs against the floor. It seems too wide to fit at first, but after some rotating and careful maneuvering, you figure it out.

The Narrator: After you make a small amount of progress, the Princess's voice carries up the stairs.

Hi there! Who are you? And what are you dragging behind you?

Voice of the Hero: She sounds friendly. And those are pretty reasonable questions to ask in her situation, I think.

The Narrator: Don't let it fool you. It's all part of the manipulation. You're playing a dangerous game by coming here unarmed, and no, the table doesn't count as a weapon.

Choices:

A: "Hi!"

B: "I think I'm here to slay you? And it's a table."

C: "I'm here to save you! And it's a table."

D: (lie) "Whatever it is, I can promise you it's not a table."

E: (lie) "My name is Sir Tablemerchant, the finest table merchant in the entire world! I've been looking for new customers, and this seemed as decent a place as any."

F: "I'm trying to bring a table to your basement, but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Do you think you could help me out?"

G: "I'm not really sure why I'm here, but I think the thing I'm dragging down the stairs is a table. I can't really be certain though."

H: "Just checking in on you."

I: [Continue down the stairs]

[table-the-princess]

Announcement: The character name at the start of each line of dialogue will be bold from now on to improve readability. Part 0 and the pinned post will be edited to reflect this change. If this makes the readability worse, or there is some other problem caused by this, let us know and we will change it back.

[table-the-princess]

Part 0

Chapter I The Hero and The Princess

[Proceed into the cabin]

The Narrator: The interior of the cabin is almost entirely bare. The air is stale and musty and the floor and walls are painted in a fine layer of dust. The only furniture of note is a plain wooden table. Perched on that table is a pristine blade.

The Narrator: The blade is your implement. You'll need it if you want to do this right.

(Explore) [Take the table]

The Narrator: You grab the table by the sides and lift it up, straining your muscles. The pristine blade tumbles off the edge.

Voice of the Hero: I'll be honest, I don't really understand why we're doing this, but I guess I'll trust your judgement.

The Narrator: I have to admit, he has a point. There's no reason for you to carry a table down there, and you aren't going to be able to take it as well as the blade, which I'll remind you is necessary to slay the princess. Just put it down, pick the blade up off the floor, and walk down into the basement.

The Narrator: I doubt you'll be able to carry the table for long anyway. It's heavy, and your arms are already getting tired.

Voice of the Hero: I guess we'll just push it? Or drag it behind us?

The Narrator: Fine. You set the table down on the floor, and start pushing it towards the door. What do you even plan to do with it anyway? Bludgeon the princess to death?

Voice of the Hero: I'm pretty curious about that too.

Choices:

A: I plan to do exactly that. If she's capable of ending the world, I doubt a knife will be enough to stop her. But this table is heavy, and if she attacks me back, I bet it'll make a decent shield.

B: If she's been trapped in a basement, I doubt the people who put her there were kind enough to give her any furniture. Bringing it will be a nice gesture, and if worst comes to worst and I have to slay her, at least she'll have something before she dies.

C: I dunno, it seems pretty funny though.

D: [Continue without saying anything]

[table-the-princess]

Slay the Princess: Table Edition

This blog operates on a fairly simple idea. Everything is pretty much identical to the actual game lore wise, except in chapter 1 you take the table down the stairs with you (without the pristine blade, since a table is already hard enough to take down a staircase). While we aren't able to create images, the rest of the format is as close to slay the princess as is reasonable to do in a tumblr post, and is somewhat similar to the history page in the game. The narrator's and voices' dialogue will look like this "Character: Words Words Speech." but the princess's won't have her name in front, instead being pink or red to indicate she is the one talking.

At the end of each post there will be a poll where everyone can vote on what option to choose. If there is only one choice that can be made, it will be written like this "(explore) do the action" and the post will continue.

There will be chapter 2's and 3's. Each chapter 2 will have its own new voice and princess, but chapter 3's might reuse voices from the game if it feels appropriate (there will still be a new princess though).

There is a very high chance that someone has done this idea before, or something similar, although we don't know of any examples. If you do know any, you're welcome to let us know, but we are going to avoid reading anything with the same premise (at least for now) so that our interpretation is as independent as possible and so that if someone has the same idea as us we won't have to change our plans to avoid copying them.

There won't be posts every day, but we'll try and create them as often as we can without risking burnout

Tags:

#table the princess - for anything related to the core idea of this blog and its lore or story #the pristine table - the mains posts, with the story and polls #asks - asks #part n - the nth main post, counting from 0 instead of 1 #announcement - for announcements

[This pinned post will be edited over time as we think of stuff to put in it]