tad-aima

[tad-aima]

twenty seven and a half

Actually days hours until twenty eight.

This is like a review of the entire age. A review of a being a twenty seven years old.

I have moved to another company. Same job though. Hopefully I can finally adapt to the new place and new pace.

I think I go out a lot this age and managed to experienced a lot of things. Recently I just learned new things about myself. Rather fascinating I would say. A friend said something like “learning about other people sometimes also learning about ourselves”. I thought about that a lot. I think she is right. In interacting with others, especially new people, we may learn one or more things about ourself which previously hasn’t been discovered because we haven’t been interacting with the kind of person who would evoke that new side of us. (I don’t know what I’m saying). It’s the same with being in a new place and you learn something new about yourself. The walls have cracks and you learn that you don’t mind staying in a room with cracked walls. Or the water is too dirty and you just realise that apparently you have sensitive skin that easily irritated. It’s something like that, but with people.

One of the big things I’ve learned and practiced this age (and year) is that feelings need to be nurtured. And to nurture the feeling takes more than what I initially thought. It takes effort and time. Not a luxury that everyone managed to have, I also learned that. Those who successfully maintaining feelings for so long, I think they really put some work on it. Although I must admit not everyone realizes that they are doing any effort as some people are just born like that. (Again, I hope I sound like I make sense).

This age feels like moving super mega ultra fast. And really took turn in a way I’ve never guessed before. But to be fair, I don’t have much imagination when it comes to my own life. Everything feels like a surprise, not always pleasant definitely. Although I must say, the nice life surprises are nice. Really nice. I am really grateful for that. Alhamdulillah.

Turning twenty eight in a span of hours.

Let’s go

This year song from the cardigans because I listen to them a lot this year

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Happy birthday ❤️

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on feeling and growing and other things

things that once used to fill me with so much joy, now leave me with only a slight interest.

it is of course not unexpected. i've known that people change with time, me included, and that the way we see things shifts with time because we keep learning and unlearning things, that is inevitable. but experiencing it now, realizing it in real time, is kind of fascinating. and also weird.

this realization reminded me of a famous illustration of grief in a jar, saying something like: it's not that the grief shrinks over time, it is us that grow bigger while the grief stays the same. i thought, maybe it also happens to all the things that used to excite me before. maybe i grow while the feelings i have for some things don't, so they remain at the same 'size' while i grow and grow. the percentage of space that they once occupied lessens with time as i grow.

while i lost sentiment on few things, there are also things that still have the same effects on me as they did years ago. that the feeling stays even when i grow and change. these feeling i have for some others do grow with me.

maybe it's because the lack of nurturing of those feelings i lost. then another question pops up: how to choose which ones i need to keep and which ones to just let go? or do they just happen spontaneously? this one is for another time to ponder about.

that being said though, all the things that used to make me happy are still a part of me even though they are tiny now. as it is said, a person is all of their past, present, and future combined.

[tad-aima]

twenty six and a half

twenty six twenty six twenty six.

this age feels like not real? I don't know how to put it into words properly, but more than once i have answered I'm 25 years old. it's like I'm denying my real age that is 26. (or I'm just being forgetful).

so the pandemic is very much over, no? we don't have to wear masks outside most of the times and pcr or swab tests are not required for travelling anymore. the funny thing about not wearing masks, after like 3 years of wearing it every time I leave the house, is how conscious I am about my face, especially my mouth. the first time I left home without a mask, I was almost embarrassed? like I really didn't remember how it feels like to show my face to others. it took me like one or two weeks, to get used to not wearing mask. human is amazing in the way that we really just get used to things and also forget things that we used to do, and learning it again as if it was a new thing. I don't know what I'm saying.

there were some internet posts that go like "the age when a lot of people your age getting married, having a child, or getting a divorce". and I think, I'm at that age? my instagram stories are almost filled with weddings or engagement parties on the weekends. (baby posts are more sporadically, sometimes it's on wednesdays, sometimes it's on fridays. because you know people don't just have their kids on weekends. once you have kids, you have them every day.) and recently I just learned that someone my age was getting a divorce. some friends are going abroad for postgraduate school. some friends are completing marathons. some friends started building business. that made me realize that, unlike school years when most people have almost predictable life progress, life after school is really different for each person. I really need to remind myself a lot these days that I should not be comparing myself to others. each of us has different paths and different obstacles. that however is easier said than done. I think I've compared myself with others a lot these days and I did it unconsciously. it was so easy for me to feel not enough and anxious. it is only recently that I managed to get back to my old self (although that statement alone is confusing, which old self version of me that I'm trying to be? but that's a story for another day). my efforts of getting myself back include meeting up with some friends whose company I enjoy, reading books that I enjoy, listening to songs that I enjoy, and trying to completely savoring moments that I enjoy, feeling my soft pillows and listening to the sounds produced by the birds and the leaves. I think that's why it's important for us to know ourselves, so we can take care of ourselves and we can find ourselves whenever it felt like we are about to lost ourselves. that sounds like it makes sense now. we'll see whether next year-me will think the same.

other changes that happened to me is that I go to the gym more frequently now that they're open until 9 pm. some days when I feel like I have enough energy, I go to the gym after work on weekdays. I mostly use treadmill, but it's actually a progress that I go there more often hahaha. I still haven't shed the weight put on since I start living back at home, but let's not focus on that yet. all that matters is now I'm moving my body more frequently. my younger self will find this fascinating. to be honest, my current self actually feel very proud whenever I do go the the gym. I wasn't really an active person and really did have weak stamina (sometimes I feel like I still have weak stamina). the fact that I'm exercising regularly is just something my younger self wouldn't have expected.

a year is long and also not long, it depends on how we see it I guess. cheers to being 26!

this year's song: Banda Neira - Kau Keluhkan, because I sigh and complain a lot this age. and a little tmi: this blog name is inspired from this song. esok pasti jumpa. esok, tomorrow. tomorrow sounds hopeful. esok pasti jumpa

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Coin Operated

Written & Directed by Nicholas Arioli

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shinee; happy

it's another shinee post. i've talked about them on my instagram, my twitter, and in personal chat with some friends but those still are not enough. whenever it comes to them, i both don't have enough words and have too much words. both come to conclusion that when it's them i am rarely put coherent writing or talk.

i was a mere elementary student back then when i learned about them through a kdrama ost. i have the song on repeat for days on my ipod while not knowing what the singers look like. now i, an office worker, could close my eyes while listening to their songs and could guess whose part is it just by listening to the voice.

i've been listening to their music for so long. i've been following their idol career for so long. and throughout the years they still make me so happy. i think i've stated this several times, but back then i didn't think that i would like them this long. i was a person that will like something so hard and losing the interest after about a couple of years. with shinee too, i initially thought i would get bored with them after a couple of years. so now, for me to still celebrating shinee's 15th anniversary (and 14th with me) actually shocks me too to some extent. even after all these years that have passed by, they still have me under they fingers and i don't see myself stop stanning them in the near future.

i used to despise the negative sentiment put on the label of kpop fangirl, there really was a time when i suppressed my adoration for them - because i was afraid of being seen as a rabid fangirl. that others will reduce me only as a kpop fangirl (there was really time that almost close to this), but then i learned nothing good will come by hiding my feelings. i've been liking them for so long that i can't deny that they've become an integral part of me. they make me so happy. and why should i hide the things and people that make me happy? i should not be ashamed of the things and people that make me happy. after all, i am happy. hiding it will only lessen my happiness.

this change of mindset made me realise that i've grown as a person. and it is partly, thanks to them.

i'm a firm believer that love comes in different shapes and colors - it's not one solid definitive thing. at this point i think my feelings for them couldn't be anything less than love. seeing them feels like seeing a bunch of friends that i can't help but to cheer on them, to wish for them to be healthy, and for them to be as happy as me when i see them.

genuinely wishing everyone the same kind of happiness of that shinee never fails to give me.

and to shinee: thank you for being together and choosing to be together. you make me so happy. i love you.

adding real because they performed it on their 15th anniv fanmeet!! my jam!!!

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Happy 15th anniversary, loves ❤️

(look at these teenagers who sang Juliette hoo and can’t escape this habit of chasing after Juliette that spread like an irresistible poison)

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happy birthday, jjong.

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twenty five and a half

or counting weeks to twenty six actually.

but anyway.

twenty five might be the age when a lot of changes happened to me. I've changed jobs, I moved back to home, my family moved to a new house - leading me to getting a new room, I get myself a gym membership, I joined a writing class - that is to name some of the memorable changes that happened all while I am twenty five years old.

(this is pretty lame, but I was actually excited about turning 25 many moons ago because I was finally able to put retinol on my face. now that I am 25, I have one bottle of retinol serum which i put occasionally)

this age, this year, I'm actually in the middle of my 20s. this middle-est, that is 25. I no longer fall in the category of early 20s. no one will hear my age and think that I am a wee innocent little child clueless about the world. which is weird, because a lot of times, I feel like i'm just as clueless about the world as I was 5 years ago, but there are of course times when I feel like I know just enough to not let myself drown.

questions that pop up a lot these days in my head are more of something along the line about what is it that I want for myself.

do I actually want this? will I not regret this in the future? can I look at back at this, years later from now and not cringe at my past self?

although I must admit, these days I feel like I know myself better than before. questions like, why did I do that? did not pop up inside my head as frequent as before. it's like I finally get a glimpse what I truly like and a little of what I actually want. no rush I guess, I have all my life to figure myself out (like absolutely, self discovery only ends when one dies, right?).

and an IU's song.

I got this. I'm truly fine.

I think now, I know who I am a little.

[tad-aima]

happy birthday!

today I'll spend it by remembering all the good memories you shared with us. thank you. I miss you. a lot of us do.

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I am ugly.

Head too small, body too big, face too masculine, and the list goes on.

It's something that I have accepted although sometimes it still baffles me when I see myself in the mirror, photographs, or videos.

There was a time when I truly despised what I see in the mirror. My nose, my lips, my skin. I hated when someone taking a picture of me. My hips, my legs, my shoulders. I remember being so mad whenever friends or relatives took my picture.

But then I realized that I'm going to live with me for the rest of my life. I may have not live the rest of my years alone (or I may, who knows really), but what is sure is that I'll be going through everything with me. And it must be exhausting to spend every single time with someone that you dislike. In my case it's me that I dislike.

So, I decided to make myself like me a little bit more and hate me a little bit less. I forget when was it exactly, but I guess it was in college. I started trying to treat myself better. I tried making myself happy. And suddenly it's been years I've been doing this.

This is really just a thought that popped out this evening when I was standing in front of my mirror. I realized that I no longer have the same spiteful thought as I did years ago when I saw my reflection.

I wouldn't say that I have fully accepted myself as I am. Or that I love myself (there are still times when I see myself in the mirror and thought, "oh wow hi you little hideous creature"). But I'm working on it.

[tad-aima]

twenty four and a half

a year later and we're still in the middle of a pandemic.

and it's been more than a year since we all can go out freely without being worried that we'll get infected by a virus.

with this whole covid situation, I thought I haven't changed much since last year. the number changed but I am still just the same as last year. however, when I started thinking (yes, sometimes I do think), there are actually some big changes despite this very unfortunate situation. like I stated last year, I wish to graduate and get a job in my 23. but life rarely follows your wishes, dreams, and plans.

I graduated when I was 23. that happened. but I got my job after turning 24. life is like that sometimes.

as for now, I am about six months away from being 25-years old. I am finally in my middle 20s. but still, I don't feel like I'm in my middle 20s. as I said before, with this pandemic going on, days feel like they just repeating one after another.

I get up, go to work, go home, and sleep. repeat the same for tomorrow. and I stay in my room on weekends. really nothing much happens.

if there were something that I learned about myself in this past six (actually seven) months is that I actually like routine. it's just easy to live day by day repeating the same thing over and over. welp, that actually doesn't sound so nice but whatever. also, I tend to speak nonsense whenever I get tired - and that happens a lot. I am forever grateful for my family and friends who just put up with my yadda-yadda talks. must've been annoying but yet you stay, my friends. so proud of you. and pop songs are the greatest gift in this jaded world. I can't go through a day without listening to them.

these days, all I think about is how to not give up on things (and on myself too). let's see how this will turn out.

(I re-read this post and realize how this whole thing lacks coherency but this isn't meant to be anything serious and more like a personal stream of consciousness and just silly attempts to review an age - because it's fun actually to read how I feel of each age when I re-read them in the future.)

here have shinee's song simply just because:

[tad-aima]

Tiada hidup tak sahaja

Tiada doa selain bahagia

Kuserahkan semuanya di sana

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13th anniversary!

Pic cr. Ming's ig (yes I stole the pic from Ming's ig 😤)

Happy 13th anniversary, loves!

I can't believe this day has come. SHINee turning 13 means I've become their fan for 12 years and I've been a fan since I was barely 12 years old. I literally spend half of my life being a SHINee's fan - and every anniversary after this year meaning they have been a part of me for more than half of my life.

Once again, happy 13th debut anniversary! Thank you for being one of my sources of happiness. You mean a lot to me, always.

[tad-aima]

Ini salah satu lagu yang paling sering saya dengar tahun lalu. Iya, tahun lalu, sewaktu kepala saya isinya pergumulan "Habis ini mau apa?". Dan lagu ini tidak bisa lebih pas lagi untuk menggambarkan isi kepala saya waktu itu.

Tapi post ini, tidak akan bercerita tentang tahun lalu dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang berputar di dalam kepala saya waktu itu. Post ini tentang saat ini dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang timbul di dalam kepala saya saat ini.

Apa lagi yang kau cari?

Lulus, kerja, menikah, beranak

Apa lagi?

Saat ini saya berada di posisi yang tahun lalu saya perdebatkan dengan diri sendiri. Sudah lulus dan sudah bekerja.

Dan pertanyaan yang muncul tidak lain adalah, apa ini benar yang saya mau? Lalu dibuntuti lagi dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan klasik seperti, memang sebenarnya mau apa? Kalau bukan ini, memang alternatifnya apa?

Tidak ada pikiran bijak belakangan ini dan saya makin tenggelam dengan pertanyaan yang sebetulnya tidak perlu dipikirkan (mungkin). Jadi saya putuskan untuk tidak memikirkannya dulu. Saya akan pikirkan lagi nanti, saat saya rasa saya punya cukup waktu dan tenaga untuk sekali lagi masuk dalam kepala saya lebih jauh dan berkelahi dengan diri sendiri.

Akhir-akhir ini saya hanya ingin tidur dan bangun dengan perasaan segar bukannya diserang pertanyaan oleh diri sendiri.

Bagian akhir dari post ini tentu saja: ayo dengarkan lagu-lagu dalam album Semenjak Ada Internet-nya Petra Sihombing!