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[tadhghoganreddy-blog]

why am i here?

so, where do i start. so i’m naturally a very angry person. though i don’t always show it, i have a short temper. but i snap because of odd things. for instance people insulting me rarely sets it off, but that depends. i mean when i was 13 i used to have people calling me a fag or a cunt or a waste of space, but i could deal with that. it was if they either insulted my family or they got physically aggressive first then i’d kick off. but there are two people that i am extremely protective of. the first is my closest friend, lets call him Bryan. Bryan has been with me since long before “the family” and has been here since all that ended, so i am very committed in ensuring his safety. the second person i’m protective over is my girlfriend. now lets be clear she’s more than capable of taking care of herself, but i will still protect her. that’s how i am. i no longer care if someone tries to insult my family. i no longer feel connected to them in anyway except blood. 

in my head, i have this... thing. he is the most destructive and toxic thing i’ve ever dealt with. i call him Grudge. and Grudge doesn’t fuck about. he used to be easy control. but the older i get the worse he is. leads to me struggling to not lose my temper, when i do, he comes out. he developed when i was a kid. anytime i got mad, even a little bit, i buried it. meant that when the big stuff came it was muscle memory in holding it back and pushing it down. it felt like a black lump in my stomach, getting bigger and bigger. i was angry not at people or situations, it just grew a hatred for everything, vengeful towards life, not people, i was holding a grudge (hence the name). soon it became a separate entity, with a voice. i got angry, it made hulk look like a baby throwing toys out of the pram. i was strong. that kind of power is a drug. each time you use its harder to tame it next time around and even more tempting to use. i’ll give you an example. when i was in school, someone shouted my name as i was packing up at the end of class, full room, everyone up and talking. anyway he calls my name, i turn, i get a schoolbag thrown right in my face, this is the of my first year in this school, this guy had been bullying me right through primary school and i wasn’t letting it carry on. so he throws the bag, fuck this out comes Grudge. and Grudge decides to pick the guy up by the throat, clean off the ground and throws him, sends him crashing through 7 tables. suddenly he leaves me alone. now there’s a reason to use Grudge, he helps. but every time he gets out, i lose my a bit more of my self....

fuck this, this was a dumb idea. 

Yours Sincerely